Ok, I give up I am TS

[kimdl93]

Disclaimer: for CDrs and SOs, my experiences are not representative or predictive of your situation.

I've been following and occasionally commenting on a series of threads that I guess are aimed at clearly and definitively drawing a line between those who (for whatever reason, God forbid I should presume) choose to wear women's clothes for the fun of it and myself or others who to some degree feel that they are women.

I know...I reassured my first wife that it was a simple fetish...and in some ways I hoped that was true. And at one point I assured my present wife that I didn't 'want' to wear a dress. I will acknowledge that I wasn't entirely forthright with either of them.

At the same time, I didn't know for sure...I had heard of Christine Jorgensen as a child and her life attuned me to possibilities I otherwise couldn't have imagined at that age. Later, As a young adult, I felt some kinship and some recognition and some fear of Rene Richards. And with each tabloid revelation, I felt the same mix of recognition and fear. In part, fear that we were indeed alike and fear that totters could see the likeness.

Even after coming out as TG to a growing circle of family, of friends and of business associates, I've clung to that notion that, well yes, I'm TG...and yes, if not for (insert your own list) I would, but...

Well, it's not nearly as ambiguous as that. I've swept aside the sands of time, denial and repression only to reveal myself as a woman. This has been exhausting, and, as you know better than I, it's only beginning.

Wish me luck?

[ReineD]

Good luck, Kim. My heart goes where yours goes. You know that. :hugs:

[Donnagirl]

Kim,
You have my heartfelt wishes of good luck on the journey that now reveals itself before you... I often wonder how many of will eventually come to a similar realization. And I include myself within such a group...

Donna

[Rachelakld]

In life, we change as do our emotions, hormones, brain chemistry etc.
I feel sorry for your wife, yet you also need to be you, so best of luck on this massive re-direction in your life.

[Gretchen_To_Be]

How do you feel now that you have internalized it, said it, written it down? What does that mean for you?

Good luck, friend.

[Badtranny]

You have my sincere condolences.

Approach transition cautiously as if it were an enemy.

...then if you decide you must transition, do it with your whole heart.

[Suzanne F]

I too went down that path. It does seem daunting but for me it has given me relief. Finally I am not fighting it anymore. I hope you and your wife find peace. Good luck with your next step of the journey.
Suzanne

[Nikkilovesdresses]

hi Kim, I found your post very moving. There are a small number of members whose comments I find again and again reflect a truly wise, intelligent spirit, and your words to others are invariably full of kindness and wisdom.

I barely can imagine how much thought and soul-searching must have gone into arriving at your present realization and I wish you the very best of luck in the future. Thanks for allowing us to be privy to your thoughts.

Nikki

[kimdl93]

Here at least, I can feel fairly secure I speaking the whole truth. I've kept even that to myself for a long, long time.

I appreciate your kind comments and cautions. I assure you that after all these years of hiding one part of my nature, I remain I am as I have always been...cautious and careful.

[PaulaQ]

Congratulations on coming out to yourself, Kim. Please contact me if I can be of any assistance.

[STACY B]

Hell I could have told you that long ago,lol

Well your a Big Girl, So lets get on with it, Come on an go with me , Misery loves company you know,,lol,,

[VeronicaMoonlit]

Hell I could have told you that long ago,lol

I personally thought it was fairly obvious. In fact I thought she already identified as such. Then again, took me a while too.

Veronica

[mykell]

kim i wish you the best with your new journey, dont give up, celebrate your self acceptance, im sure your decision weighed heavy on your heart, i hope your wife will be kind and supportive with your decision....

[Rianna Humble]

Hi Kim, I know from reading your, often thoughtful, posts in this forum that you have not come to this conclusion lightly. I do wish you luck as you navigate this minefield and sincerely hope that you can salvage something of your relationship with your wife.

[Angela Campbell]

Kim, ....seems like sometimes we...ourselves. ..are the last to realize. After fighting this our entire lives, it is hard to just stop fighting.

[CarlaWestin]

Kim, it's nice to hear that you are following your heart after careful consideration. I wonder what conclusions many of us here will arrive at after 16,474 posts?

[Amy Fakley]

Oh, Kim ... you have been one of the most encouraging and reassuring voices of reason on this forum. Especially to me, personally. Your thoughtful and kind pm's have pulled me back from the brink so many times since I joined a few years ago.

I know you couldn't have arrived at this, without the most soul achingly thorough introspection. I hope that you find the happiness and wholeness that you surely deserve, and that you and your wife are able ... if not to stay together, than at least to separate amicably, and remain close as I know how much that relationship means to both of you.

I wish you the best on your continued journey. You are a wonderful person, who truly deserves happiness, Kim :-)

[Dianne S]

Good luck, Kim. I'm sure that along with trepidation you feel much happier now having acknowledged yourself to yourself.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

It's always good to feel you know yourself as yourself for want of a better way to say it.

I hope that as you consider your next steps you get lots of support and that you reach your goals!

You are smart and competent, you can do what you need to do and do it well. I am sure of that.

[Frances]

It sounds like a typical story... and, to echo Melissa, I am so sorry.

[Heidi Stevens]

May I join you in this journey? I too have only just realized that I am TG. But as it is always said, you can't resolve a problem until you identify it. Since you have now resolved your position with yourself, you can start to plan your next steps with a bit more assurance. I've gone to lengths to plan my future and work for results that will make me happy and hopefully those around me. Good luck as you move ahead!

[LucyNewport]

Wow! This is such a momentous step - to admit to yourself who you really are. I imagine that you, yourself are the toughest person you will have to come out to. It is really difficult to shed an identity (CD, TG, male etc) that has been a part of you. I wish you the best of luck on the journey. May the wind be ever at your back!

Lucy

[PretzelGirl]

Kim, you already know how I feel. I do wish you luck as there is always some layer of it. But your loving and caring heart will serve you well. You are thoughtful and very considerate and people already feel that warmth. And you always have all of us to lean on......ummm....okay.....don't cry on that.

I wish this could be in person, but it is in my heart. I know this was a long, hard process.
:bh:

[I Am Paula]

Kim, You and I have been reading each other's posts for a long time, and our stories have echoed in many ways. It is such a sudden revelation. We don't slowly build up to our realizations, we wake up one day and say 'Crap! I'm TS'.
I wish you all the luck in the world. It's not easy, but always try to make the best of it, and see a brighter side, even when it is well hidden.:hugs:

[Bria]

Kim, I'm sure this has been a hard decision for you. I'll remember you and your wife in my prayers.

Hugs, Bria

[Leah Lynn]

Make room girls! One more passenger on the Crazy Train!! Welcome aboard, Kim.

Hugs,

Leah

[michelleddg]

Wishing nothing but the best for my special friend, I'm always there for you, let me know how I can be of assistance in your new direction! Hugs, Michelle

[Julie Denier]

Best of luck, Kim, and be happy! ;)

[Jamie Christopher]

Best to you Kim, always.

Jamie

[Nigella]

Self acceptance is the first step on the journey ahead of you :hugs:

You have a journey ahead of you, one which many have done before you, but then again they haven't. Remember it is your journey and is going to be unique to you. There will lots of help and guidance along the way, should you need it, but always take it at the pace that is yours. If you need to pull into the service area for a break, do so, there is an end to the journey, but it is not a race.

:hugs: and :love:

[becky77]

Hi Kim

Some how that's not a surprise, I wish you all the best.

I have to wonder what has changed since last we spoke?

[Laura912]

Kim, pre-flight the plane, file a good flight plan, take off and soar with wings on your feet and our best wishes to buoy you upwards my friend.

[Dana44]

Good luck Kim. Hope all goes well.

[Amanda22]

Approach transition cautiously as if it were an enemy.

One of the wisest bits of advice I've read on this forum. I'm living this now and it's not a party. Prepare to lose just about everything. There seems to be a chasm between being TG and TS when it comes to acceptance from our loved ones. I've learned this the very hard way. Consider your steps very, very carefully, Kim, and know yourself fully. Do what you must.

[Rachel Smith]

Ah the dreaded ah ha moment. I was so afraid of finding out I was TS I delayed the journey as long as I could. Like me I am sure from reading your posts you too were diligent in your research. Weighing the pros and the cons, the acceptance and denial, but the answer was always the same. Take the trip at your own speed.

[Janelle_C]

Congratulations Kim you have a long journey ahead. I hope for you way more happiness than pain. There be so much of both. Keep the line of communication open with your wife. I hope the best for both of you.

[Eryn]

...I reassured my first wife that it was a simple fetish...and in some ways I hoped that was true. And at one point I assured my present wife that I didn't 'want' to wear a dress. I will acknowledge that I wasn't entirely forthright with either of them....

Kim, were you intentionally deceptive with either, or did you simply address the situation as you hoped it was at the time?

I can see a lot of parallels with my situation, with realizations about my status coming along as I learned more about the TG world and about my own feelings.

I empathize with your situation, and like many others I am here for you if and when you need us.

Hugs, Eryn

[Carlene]

Kim, there are others here that find themselves in similar situations to yours. I am so pleased that you are finally able to move in one direction or the other. I wish the very best and most rewarding outcome for you. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and glimpses of your journey with us.

Carlene

[Barbara Ella]

The most obvious things are those that we tend to deny the hardest. As my wife said when we began discussing this. "I knew you were a woman before you did." Even knowing that has not made my slow transition any easier for her. You have my love and best wishes for both you and your wife. Now just go and be yourself as well as you can.

Hugs, Barbara

[Marleena]

Kim you need to come back after you dropped that bomb!:) It's quite common for us to be the last to know although we already knew. I'm sure you wife knows as well. I just know you'll be fine because you have a good head start on all of this. Take your time with your new "discovery" but don't ask me for advice because I suck at this.:heehee:

[Amanda22]

How are you doing now, Kim? Have you fully disclosed your needs to your spouse? How do you suspect your family will respond?

[flatlander_48]

Wish me luck?

Certainly! We can either deny or embrace. Embracing is much healthier...

DeeAnn

[kimdl93]

Hi! Let me first apologize for my brief absence. I really didn't spect the kind of response this my little announcement...and now I feel a tad guilty for not checking back in for a few days. Life gets in the way.

I jut finished replying to twelve very kind, supportive, encouraging and/or concerned private messages. It's heartwarming and honestly unexpected for me to receive such a response. Thank you all for your concern, caution, encouragement and friendship.

Now let me assure you that nothing, and I mean nothing, substantive is in the offing. I am anything but impulsive. As I said in one or more replies to PMs, I am inclined to plan exhaustively, come up with multiple risk analyses and fail safe options, then reevaluate again, before making any concrete changes.

Beyond that, my foremost concern is not for myself, but for my family. As some of you may know, my siblings have know I was..,well different...since I was a preschool kid. And my kids learned from my ex. My present wife has known to some extent since before we were engaged. Still, I am not going to do a big reveal and change in any dramatic or imminent manner. I have a couple years left till retirement and other than planning and positioning, I don't foresee big changes.

Also, there is the matter of my health. For 62, I'm in reasonably good health, but I can feel the effects of time and youthful indiscretions. I am at this point quite reluctant to put my health at risk for what I suspect would be relatively little gain. I guess I'd sum the potential benefits in my case as 'too little too late' for me. I know others have found benefit...but as with all health related considerations we each have to make our own decisions based on the best available information.

Finally, I want to assure you that I am in a very good place in my life. Other than the birth and childhood years of my own kids, I don't think I have otherwise been as happy in a personal level, nor any more productive in my professional endeavors. I approach the future, what there is of it, with a measure of caution and optimism.


Kim, were you intentionally deceptive with either, or did you simply address the situation as you hoped it was at the time?

I was certainly not being deceptive. It reflected what at the time was the explanation I found most acceptable at the time.

[Teresa]

Kim,
I'm so glad you added reply #43 .
I'm not sure I'm heading down that road or not ! At 64 I can't jump on the Bruce Jenner bandwagon ! I felt so much rang true with me from his interview but I'm an ordinary guy who still has responsibilities and a family who know but may not be so supportive !
You know what you feel inside and you know what's going to satisfy it but age has to bring compromises ! Knowing something in hindsight is always going to bring you pain because you can't act on it !

[Sophie Hogletta]

Interesting thread to read as a newbie long-time CD. I would SO LOVE to transition and be a woman, but very scared. Very very scared.

[Badtranny]

Interesting thread to read as a newbie long-time CD. I would SO LOVE to transition and be a woman, but very scared. Very very scared.

but of course, transition is indeed very VERY scary.

That's why only the properly motivated are able to go through with it.

What is 'proper motivation'? That's entirely up to you.

[Katey888]

Good luck Kim! :bh:

As we have discussed and (some of us) learned recently, 'transition' seems to be an individual journey with unique outcomes - I hope fate treats you kindly with your decision... and as always:

Keep Calm & Carry On! :D

Katey x

[Kaitlyn Michele]

What I have found Kim about this whole "arc" some of us go through is that the person you are stays the same..

if you are in a good place, and if you are smart and thoughful about others, there is no reason to beleive steps you take to proceed down whatever path you choose will end in a bad outcome..

that's not to say going forward with drastic measures is without difficulties or even huge problems...just saying its doable, and who you are right now as a person will shine through.
another way i've heard it said is that "transition lays a family bare"...all the big and all the little stuff will all bubble up.... problems from 20 years ago, insecurites long buried...it kind of puts everything on the table...

but your own good nature will win out....if others around you have a good nature, they will support you even if at first they respond poorly..

and if your head is on straight now this knowledge empowers you to manage whatever GD feelings you have..

[donnalee]

Kim, having read and enjoyed your posts for some years now, I feel sure that you have reached this decision after plenty of serious examination of your feelings and thoughts over time,
I am very happy for you and wish you the best in your journey. I recently came to my own conclusion about myself and, while a considerably different one, I understand the relief you must be feeling as well.
The greatest thing about those conclusions, in my opinion, is that, finally, you get to be your real self, free from societal roles and expectations. Whatever you decide to do about it, you do with this knowledge and a sense of wholeness of self.
May you be happy and content with your new life.

[Tina_gm]

Kim, good luck with anything you decide. All I can say is I realized I was feminine, and am going with that. That does not make me less or more of any gender. I am not this nor that or anything really. Yes I do at times wish I could be her, yet sometimes I wish I could just be one of the guys. I personally seem to be caught in some sort of gender purgatory. I just try to live and let live as best I can, myself and for all others.

I do truly wish you the best of times in whatever you feel you should do. I am like you and it takes a crazy amount of time sometimes to come to a decision, but it will be the right decision when made. truly best wishes.

[vanessalaw]

Good luck Kim!
A few years back I shared your struggle, and worked through a series of thoughts with my psychologist to understand whether I was actually transsexual, or whether I was embarking on a journey I would quickly look back with regret on. I shared some of my mental journey here - Am I transsexual? (http://www.crossdresserheaven.com/category/advice-and-encouragement/am-i-transsexual/)

It's a big step, but I'm sure that even now you feel a measure of relief mixed in with the trepidation. You have a path, a way forward - a rich blessing that many in this world don't share. You've dug deep and displayed a courage that few will know. Bravo hon!!

I pray your journey is beautiful and wonderful and filled with love, new friends and new discoveries!

[StephanieC]

Good luck. You have obviously thought about this long and hard.