Opinion Needed, casual or full reveal?

[Katie7]

Hello my friends,

I know I’ve not been posting here since a long time ago, but I read this forum almost every day! I learned a lot from people here and I can manage my little hobby much better as the resault of it. Now I’m in a situation that I need some opinion from you. Any input especially from SOs/GGs would be much appreciated.

A bit of background first! I came out to my girlfriend three months after we met. The conversation was left at that. Nothing else was discussed until a year later when she realised that my CDing does not belong to the past but is something that I would like to do. Same as many other partners, she had her concerns which I tried my best to resolve and give her the assurance she needed. She is mostly ok with it but still has some worries. We talk about stuff regularly, our feelings and concerns and some times about fashion, makeup etc. She is quite accepting (7 out of 10 as she rates it) and also had a few participations as well. For example last New Years Eve we decided to stay in and she did my nails for me (and I did hers). The next day we went to cinema with me having all my nails painted (that’s was a first for me!). We recently went for a holiday abroad and we both went for a manicure (her suggestion). She sometimes gives me the toiletries that she is not using anymore or got free as part of a deal, and I some time give her the cloths that I buy and don’t like! However, she has never seen me fully dressed yet. Overall it’s been a learning curve for both of us but we’re managing.

So, we got engage last summer (yay!) and we’re getting married in September. Over the past few months’ things have been very good. Though recently she told me that getting married is a very big step (same for me!) and she wants to know what she is getting herself into! When I asked what does she mean by that she said she want to see me fully dressed (which she never seen before). I know this is dream come true for many of you, but I DON’T FEEL IM READY FOR IT YET! I don’t know how or when to do this but it needs to be soon as she wants to see me before we book the venue! I thinks it a lot of pressure.
The other problem is that when I’m at home by myself I don’t always dress-up fully. Most of the time it is just leggings and a top, nothing too fancy. That’s what gives me the comfort. I know I look stupid in those and I don’t feel like I want her to see me like that. So my confusion is whether I go full reveal (ultimate goal) or as I am normally. AND I’m worry of the consequences of each decision.
The other worry of her was that if I want to go full time or become a women in future and how much of a risk this is for her. My reply to that was that no one could guarantee how his or her way of thinking would change in future. But what I can guarantee is that I will never be prepared to sacrifice all the good things that I have and I may loose if I chose to live my life as women or become one. I don’t know how that went down but since I base my relationship on honesty I had to tell her the truth. Any thoughts?


Katie x

[Lexi_83]

My experience is that most women assume 1. crossdressers are gay and 2. most want to fully transition. Any protestation is met with "Oh, come on, you can be honest with me."

You might want to find some studies that should the reality (that most are hetero and have no intention of transitioning) but I don't know where that is. "Alice in Genderland" was recommended to me and is useful on many fronts, but Alice was in an "openish" marriage.

[Sandra]

Why don't you suggest that she helps you dress make a night of it, try on different things with her, tell her that at times you just like to be comfy in leggings and a top...make it fun for both of you.

I applaud you for being honest with her it does go a long way, I do think that you both need to sit down and talk more though, keep those lines of communication open.

[Dianne S]

But what I can guarantee is that I will never be prepared to sacrifice all the good things that I have and I may loose if I chose to live my life as women or become one.

Katie, I have bad news and good news.

The bad news is: You can't even guarantee that. Trust me.

The good news is: The odds are overwhelmingly in your favor that you're not going to want to transition. Marriages fail for all sorts of reasons, so in my opinion any sort of marriage is a gamble. The fact that you like to crossdress is just one factor; if your girlfriend is indeed willing to accept it, then it probably won't be much of a factor in the success or failure of your marriage.

Oh, and BTW: Congratulations on your engagement and good luck in your life ahead together!

[5150 Girl]

Why don't you suggest that she helps you dress make a night of it, try on different things with her, tell her that at times you just like to be comfy in leggings and a top...make it fun for both of you.

I applaud you for being honest with her it does go a long way, I do think that you both need to sit down and talk more though, keep those lines of communication open. Very well said...
I think what I'd do, is set a day and time for her to come over, and do the whole thing together, have some your your fave things laid out for her to try on you. However, greet her at the door in the top and leggings combo.

[Lexi_83]

//Marriages fail for all sorts of reasons, so in my opinion any sort of marriage is a gamble. The fact that you like to crossdress is just one factor; if your girlfriend is indeed willing to accept it, then it probably won't be much of a factor in the success or failure of your marriage.//My ex-wife could not get pregnant. This surprised both of us and she was completely devastated.

Sometimes those life events through a curve ball you can't hit. Part-time crossdressing isn't an issue in comparison.

[Rachelakld]

My first dress up in front of my then GF, we both raided my wardrobe, we both tried on my clothes and wigs, we both had fun, we both ended up naked.
So let her dress you......... the fear you feel is natural, being vulnerable is often scary and making it in to fun takes the edge off the fear.

Do NOT promise - you will never give up the good things to live as a women.
Promise to love her the best you can, promise to honour her the best you can, but do NOT make the other promise.

[Beverley Sims]

As Rachel has said let her take the lead and she wil become comfortable with what you do.

Remain self conscious and guilty and you may never shake it.

[ReineD]

The other problem is that when I’m at home by myself I don’t always dress-up fully. Most of the time it is just leggings and a top, nothing too fancy. That’s what gives me the comfort. I know I look stupid in those and I don’t feel like I want her to see me like that.

When two people decide to commit to each other, they are prepared to show the other person every aspect of who they are. It's a lot more than just the type of clothes you like to wear, it's all the aspects of your personalities (both of you) that reveal themselves after you move in together. For example, I'm a great procrastinator and this is not something that I advertise to the world. But, now I live with my SO and he sees it firsthand! lol. He also sees what I do in my downtime, he sees that I don't always pick up my clothes, sometimes I don't do the dishes until two days later, sometimes if I don't have to go out I'm happy staying in my comfy (but very ugly) bathrobe until way past noon. And sometimes I'll watch six episodes of a Neflix serial back-to-back! :o Do you see what I mean? When we live with someone, we HAVE to be OK with how they lived when they were alone. Because these things will not change much. You both need to know you don't need to pretend to be someone you are not.

So if you like to wear leggings and a top for comfort, you do need to spend some time with your fiancée wearing these things.



So my confusion is whether I go full reveal (ultimate goal) or as I am normally. AND I’m worry of the consequences of each decision.

If you do dress all out occasionally, then it's important for your fiancée to see you this way too. If you're still working on perfecting your appearance, then you can show her where you're at so far, but tell her what else you would like to do or master in order to perfect your appearance.

If you feel you would like to go out in public dressed and interact with others as Katie, you need to tell her this as well. This is rather common among CDers, although it can take a while to build up the confidence to do so.



The other worry of her was that if I want to go full time or become a women in future and how much of a risk this is for her. My reply to that was that no one could guarantee how his or her way of thinking would change in future.

So you don't know if you feel you need to come out to everyone in your life as a woman, go to work presenting as a woman, change all your gender legal markers, and begin to modify your body? This isn't something that just "comes up" thirty years from now out of the blue. It might have been for people who lived most of their adult lives in past eras when even homosexuality was believed to be an illness, but the world is not like that anymore. There is still bias against people who cross the gender barriers in some sectors of our population, but it is entirely possible today to do both: go out as a crossdresser, or transition as a TS, and live a happy life.

Who do you feel you are NOW, today? Are you a man, a woman, or are you gender-flexible (do you wish to experience the best of both genders).

If you honestly do not know what gender you are NOW, then my suggestion would be to tell this to your fiancée (while explaining that if you do determine you are a woman, it is possible you will want to live as one) and possibly postpone your marriage for about a year while you explore the options with a good gender therapist. And in the meantime, do finish perfecting your appearance so you can start going out, if you don't already. Doing this on a regular basis will help you to put things in perspective.



But what I can guarantee is that I will never be prepared to sacrifice all the good things that I have and I may loose if I chose to live my life as women or become one. I don’t know how that went down but since I base my relationship on honesty I had to tell her the truth. Any thoughts?

Telling your fiancée that you don't know how far this will go but you know you are not prepared to jeopardize anything, is not a good answer I'm afraid. If you don't know who you are, then how can you know where this will lead and how much you might want to change things in the future?

Are you by any chance still closeted?

[justmetoo]

Great advice from Sandra and Reine!
(not that I have much experience with relationships)

Congratulations and best wishes, Katie7!

[heatherdress]

Katie - "My reply to that was that no one could guarantee how his or her way of thinking would change in future." - Seems like you are avoiding her question. Of course, no one can guarantee future feelings, but you should be able to confide how you feel now. If you do have thoughts that you might want to dress full time or transition in the future, you need to be honest. If you think you might want to transition, you should not be thinking about marriage.

"I can guarantee is that I will never be prepared to sacrifice all the good things that I have and I may loose if I chose to live my life as women or become one." - What does that mean? If you choose to live your life as a woman or become one, you are "not going to sacrifice all the good things that I have". It seems like you are telling her that you might have these feelings but you won't fulfill them because of her. It seems like you are putting some guilt on her already, that possibly losing her is what will prevent you from what you may really want to do.

I honestly would not want to hear this from my fiancée. if you are really in doubt, that is OK, but maybe you should get some professional help and think about what is best for your girlfriend if you really care for her. Are you really ready to get married?

[Marcelle]

Hi Katie,

As many have said "open and honest communication" now that your fiancé knows and has even asked to "know what she is getting into".

My recommendation is to ask you fiancé what she means by dressed (all out or partial) and go with that. Irrespective of the answer though, as Reine mentioned, if you are going to build a relationship in the future you should reveal all modes of dress so she can understand this is who you are. I spend a predominate amount of time at home partially dressed "en femme" which to me means, female clothing, wig and no make-up. It does look odd especially when I have not shaved (laser has helped but the kid can still sport a goatee of sorts). We have just gotten used to it. My wife has seen me fully dressed as well and again . . . we have gotten used to it. Isha is just part of our lives the same way "boy me" is.

I am also a big fan of "never make a promise you are not sure you can't keep". Just be honest with your feelings about being TG and if you don't know, simply state "I am not sure but should things change (and I am not saying they will) then I will discuss them with you immediately" I made this same statement to my wife a year and half ago when I was sure I was just a stay at home dresser and have availed myself of this pledge on several occasions to the current status of a 40/60 female/male split.

Hugs and good luck.

Isha

[kimdl93]

The only truth you have to share is that which you know about yourself in this moment in time. It's not possible to predict the future...but if you need to give her probabilities, the odds are you are not going to want to go full time in the future. That's not a guarantee...it's just simple odds,.

As for the full reveal, tell her your reservations. If you really prefer not to go full femme, let her know that.

[MonctonGirl]

Why don't you suggest that she helps you dress make a night of it, try on different things with her, tell her that at times you just like to be comfy in leggings and a top...make it fun for both of you.

I applaud you for being honest with her it does go a long way, I do think that you both need to sit down and talk more though, keep those lines of communication open.

Excellent advice.

[Katie7]

Thank you all for very useful replies.

Katie x