How to tell my girl friend

[Jess6887]

I threw out most of my stuff but kept some items, I want to start wearing it again but I don't want to lose my girl friend, she doesn't know I do this as we have only been together for 4 months and I'm finding it really hard to even mention any thing as she is really important to me, I don't want to full on dress I only want to wear a nightie to bed some nights how do I tell her with out losing her, or should I just get rid of everything and not dress anymore

[Stephanie_83]

I was about at this same point when I told my gf - it was definitely scary! I agonized over it for months, too; but I finally realized that this was an important part of who I was, and not telling her would feel dishonest - and if she didn't respect me for it and wanted to leave, even though I knew I wanted to be with her, it would be better in the long run. I finally did it in bed one night - she was over for the weekend, and we were cuddling. I usually wear a beard, which she really likes, so that was how I brought it up... "Um, hon, you know how I've been shaved a few times since we've known each other? Well, it's because I'm a crossdresser..." And we went from there. Of course, she had questions, but she was open to it. We've taken things slowly - she's seen pictures of Stephanie, but hasn't met me en femme yet, but I think that will happen soon. Honestly it's been more my nerves than her.

I know that it's a scary feeling! But I promise it feels so much better having the truth out. Hiding it was so much work psychologically, I really don't know how I could have gone much longer, myself (and that's not a slam on anyone else in a different situation at all - just my own feelings). Unfortunately, it's like ripping off a Band-Aid -- you just have to gather your courage and out with it!

I did find that showing her some (classy, not lingerie) pics of Stephanie really helped for her, but everyone is different, of course. Maybe have some good shots on your phone? And be ready for questions, and to reassure her that you're there for her and will talk about anything with her.

I can tell you that for me, it built a ton of trust and respect between us, so it can definitely be worth it. And I personally think that, especially at the point where you are in the relationship, it's better to be able to build a foundation of trust with a person who loves you for all of you, not just one part. Give yourself that chance. I'll be thinking of you and wishing you the best!

[Jess6887]

Thanks for your reply I'm so happy for you it worked out, I'm just so nervous but that would be normal, just worried about her maybe sharing it with someone she is close with, it is hard not telling someone and trying to find the courage too, I want to tell her because I do have that much respect for her and for us and keeping secrets is not good we are both open with each other but just this is so hard as no one knows I do it not even my family

[Dana44]

I was in the same position, at about probably one year, I came out to her by telling her before I did anything. I then showed her all of my clothes and heels. She was in shock to say the least, however through a lot of communication we came to an agreement. Things got better from there. I did not want to lose her either. Yet I went for it and things worked out.

[giuseppina]

Here is an old thread by a respected GG member who no longer posts:

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?13841-How-to-tell-your-partner&highlight=

The gist is tell her straight, no joking around. Hinting generally doesn't work. Presenting crossdressing as a problem is also not in your best interests, as it suggests it will go away.

Any alleged therapies that purport to make the CD go away tend to have as their message that the client is not allowed to accept themselves as they are. That tends to create mental health issues (anxiety & depression) for the client, which are generally viewed as creating a bigger problem that it purports to solve.

[katieann1]

I told my wife but she has not and will not have anything to dowith me cd

[char GG]

Good advice, everyone.

How important is CDing to you? If you don't want to (or can't stop), then tell her everything about your interest in CDing, including wanting to wear a nightie to bed. Bringing CDing into the bedroom may not always be accepted some GG's, however, it is better for both of you to get everything out in the open - the sooner, the better.

[Jenniferathome]

Jess, would you rather be discovered in 6 months or 6 years when the deception is greater? The result can be like mine or it can be worse.

You will be happier, as she will be, being honest early. When you do tell her, tell it all. Tell it once. No leakage. And to Char's point, the bedroom is an especially sensitive place to introduce cross dressing. Take special care.

best of luck

[Beverley Sims]

Getting rid of everything and purging is a waste of time.
You soon come back to it.

It will be a slow process with your girlfriend if she opposes it.

[Stephanie_83]

Thanks for your reply I'm so happy for you it worked out, I'm just so nervous but that would be normal, just worried about her maybe sharing it with someone she is close with, it is hard not telling someone and trying to find the courage too, I want to tell her because I do have that much respect for her and for us and keeping secrets is not good we are both open with each other but just this is so hard as no one knows I do it not even my family

Oh, I know how this feels! Yes, it's definitely delicate, but you can do it :hugs: I'm not sure how old you are, but there's a lot more acceptance among folks my generation and younger, so she's likely to be more open than you might think. As for her telling someone else - just let her know how you feel about that. It's so unlikely that she'll intentionally try to hurt you... she's stuck with you this long, right?

[kinkyboots]

All of us in committed relationships worry what our S.O. will think when we've hiden our secrets for so long. Before my panic attack/ breakdown about a year and a half a go; my wife of 20 years had no idea. confessing was good, but hard.
Personally never had my own stash before the talk, but now we communicate more. I have a small bag now buried in the dresser that I can break out when I need too. while my wife and I don't exactly have a DADT relationship going on; I respect her feelings and only do dress up when she's not around. She said it was fine, but not her clothes and to take it slow around her, so I don't push, and I try to use a lot of humor to make light of the situation.

[dawn459]

Jess being honest telling your girlfriend should be done with in the first three weeks after you start dating as a couple. You could ask her what fanties she would iike for her man to be in a role play situation. You could ask her if she had the chance to dress you in lingerie what would be her favorite item for you to model for her. I told my gfriend now wife one friday night we got a buckett of chicken+a motel room +i had purchased 2 red gowns that was split to the waist+we modeled our gowns for eachother+ate fried chicken wearing our gowns. I wear a gown+panties to bed+she will ask what if you had a heart attack how would she be ablf to get me in male mode before the rescue squad arrives.. As before doing anything that would hurt her ask her if she wokld mind seeing youdressed in a nightie 4 bed you might get lucky andshe might help you shop later 4lingerie that looks sexy on you.

[Rachelakld]

women in general, put a value on having an honest & truthful relationship.
For some reason, anything less is just a lie and a waste of time (or even waste of their lives if they have spent most of it, living inside the lie).
And as they feel their lives are worth something, they do not want to waste their lives.

So the question should be,
Do we want our SO to waste the rest of their lives, or do we love them enough to let them decide how they want to live?

[Marcelle]

Hi Jess,

I am a firm believer in giving a balanced view of the "big reveal". Many who respond (myself included) have told our SOs (e.g., wife, gf,bf) and they have been accepting and things were fine. However, in reality the "talk" is going to go one of two ways: (1) acceptance on some level (this may mean a DADT relationship or completely fine with it); or (2) the relationship ends. For everyone where the talk goes fine, one or two loose everything.

Now this is not to say you should or should not tell . . . only you know what is best. As Char pointed out if "dressing en femme (in whatever manner suits your fancy)is extremely important to you to the point where it will cause you emotional stress not to dress, then yes perhaps it is time for the talk. However, if this is something you can do once or twice, put it away and go back to being a loving and supportive partner, then IMHO what is gained by telling. Many here stay closeted, enjoy themselves and lead a healthy wonderful relationship without the reveal.

Should you decide to tell her then communication is going to be key to moving forward. I started a thread about communication post reveal to which many folks here contributed great advice . . . give it a read if you do decide to tell you gf as it might help past the point of no return.

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?226009-Communication-and-moving-forward-All-observations-welcomed-GGs-encouraged/page2

Hugs and good luck.

Isha

[Kate T]

Down to basics and break it down:
1. "should I just get rid of everything and not dress anymore?". Clearly NOT going to happen. You know it, everyone on this site knows it. Most of the social sciences community knows it. So this option is not an option.
2. Should you tell your GF? Are you serious about her. Do you want to keep the relationship going, maybe eventually marry etc? If you do then the simple answer is YES, you should tell her. She has a RIGHT to know. If you don't want to have a long term relationship and just want a bit of a "friends with benefits" then maybe you don't need to tell her about your CD'ing, BUT you do need to tell her you aren't serious about your relationship with her.

So basically yes you should tell your GF. How to do it. Thats the harder bit. Get information, make a time when you can talk to her, DO NOT TURN UP IN A DRESS!!! or any other piece of female clothing. And take it from there.

[Tina_gm]

So the question should be,
Do we want our SO to waste the rest of their lives, or do we love them enough to let them decide how they want to live? This sums up so much. If you are serious about her, yet know that CDing is a part of you that you cannot shed (as it is for just about all of us or we wouldn't be here) then honesty is best. What I would suggest though is that 1st, you disclose your CDing, but maybe hold off on the nighty to bed desire. That may come in time.... Let her digest and deal with the fact that you are a CDer 1st. Nighttime and intimacy is a very delicate thing for many women. She may be ok with it, but many would prefer any CDing to be out of the bedroom. That is reserved for her to be the only woman in the bedroom, Or in some cases, that maybe the only time she wants it or can deal with it. But regardless, disclose it 1st, be patient and then proceed slowly and cautiously from there.

[Lilian Sport Lover]

Have a nice dinner at home. Follow that with few high impact drinks (whisky, gin, ...). Have fun together (dancing , joking,...) and for continuos fun wear some of her clothes. See how she reacts. She liked it ? then you are super lucky. She hated it..? Then you need to be ready to loose her next day (once you tell her that you liked it when you tried her clothes on.)

[Tina_gm]

No^^^^ it is not quite this simple. I suppose it can be if you don't care that much for her... but just getting her drunk and seeing if she gives a shit about it is not the way to go. Please do not take this advice.

[Jess6887]

Thank you for all your advice I wont be taking the drunk method thats not right, Ive just gotta get the right timing where it's just her and I alone

[I Am Paula]

There is a simple way to predict the outcome of 'the talk'.
Take a coin, any one will do. Flip it up in the air.
If it lands one way, your girlfriend will have a conniption, move out, and post pics on facebook of you dressed as Frankenfurter.
If it land the other, she will say, OK, as long as she never sees it, and you don't talk about it again.
If it lands on edge, she will dress you, do your make up, go out with you as girlfriends, and let you have sex in a pushup bra.

Sound like bad odds? My coin landed on it's edge, many years ago.

[Suzie Petersen]

Paula, Does it help the odd's to use a small coin? I mean .. the surface of the edge will be proportionally larger than the surface of the faces on a small coin, thereby increasing the chance of it landing on the edge, right!!

Or am I over engineering this somehow?

;)

[hope springs]

I was in your shoes about a year ago with my wife. I told her and she cried quite a bit for a couple of weeks. Flash forward to today and she is helping me with my makeup and we shop together quite a bit. If your girlfriend is generally accepting then she will likely pull through this. What they need more than anything is time to digest this. Be really honest about the amount of dressing you would like... Good luck

[AnnaMarie]

I think one thing has shown here, regardless of the way you tell your SO, everyone is unique, everyone takes things a different way and coupled with a lack of understanding certainly initially it's one of the most daunting conversations you can have. Apart from being gentle, I don't think there is a specific way to do this, if there was, I'd be out to my wife

[Tina_gm]

Just remember, that GG's have such a wide range of how they accept and what they have a hard time with. Some can deal just fine that their man is a CDer, so long as she does not see it. I have read where some GG's can't see or be around their man when he is in a half dressed state. Others can't handle the full dress, like when a wig goes on. If they still see part of their man, that seems to work for them. Others have a hard time with earrings, which is odd to me because so many men wear earings nowadays, even in both ears and it doesn't mean anything in particular. My wife does not mind my body shaving, but has a hard time when my nails get a little long. And by a little I do mean a little, not a WTF kinda thing 1/2 inch past the tip and painted kinda thing. Unless you are up close, they are not noticeable at all, and even up close, I have not seen anyone giving me cartoon pop out eyes over them. So just remember that it is all very unique and individual for them, and things may change over time. Overall their acceptance may grow, but something along the way might become bothersome or more bothersome than in the beginning.

[Dana44]

Ah, GG's do have lot of different flavors. Mine doesn't want to see me in a wig. However she wants my hair very long and can style it anyway. So it goes down to boundaries of what they want and accept.

[cheryl reeves]

when i came out to my so 15 yrs ago,she dragged me out of the closet kicking and screaming then burnt the closet down so i couldnt go back into it. but my wife has known some before we got married an was fine with the lingerie time to time but the whole story i kept to myself. that was a bad mistake which i found out later and wasted yrs of not full dressing.

[Jess6887]

I still haven't done it, I just don't know how too it's so hard to be telling her, Somebody said I'll stop for awhile but then it'll come back, well they were right I've been looking up sleepwear and other things I like in women's clothing and it's just so tempting to click buy, but I don't want to at the same time because I haven't told my girl friend yet, I'm just so stuck it's hard to be in the right moment

[Robin414]

I feel your pain Jess, I don't want to prescribe bad medicine but I think you need to weigh the outcomes...the pain of giving up dressing (or being in the closet to your GF), and the possibility of losing your GF. Don't forget the latter might not be that bad, there are LOTS of GG girls who are completely OK with it and losing this one might not be a bad thing...in the long run mind you...yah it would really suck short term and I get that 😢oh yah, the moment. ..might be a little messed up but for me...I was completely shit faced drunk and she was stone cold sober (needed a ride home from a bar with my buddies at the time) 😵

[karynspanties]

Well, you should have told her on the first date. Then you would not have this problem.

[Angela Marie]

As I noted on a previous thread; I told my GF, now wife, on our second or third date. I really could not have moved forward in our relationship without telling her. Thankfully she was ok about it. Although she does not doing me on my outings she is very understanding.

[Saikotsu]

I've come out to quite a number of important people in my life, and so far it has never gone poorly. While that is in part because of the disposition of the people I've come out to, part of it was my approach.

Be honest and direct. Be willing to answer any and all of her questions. Let her know that you have something important to tell her, but you're worried about how she'll react. Also, make it clear to her that the reason it took so long to tell her was because she's so important to you.

I literally came out of the closet with a close friend last night. I let her know that I have a big secret that I would like to tell her. I then took a couple of minutes to gather my courage and then I just said it. She was hardly surprised. She then asked if she could come to me for my opinion on various dresses and shoes.

If it helps, you should think of it like this: if you come out and she accepts you, then you've relieved yourself of that burden and shown your trust in her. If she rejects you, then it's better to split now before things get more complicated. Its possible that she might impose limitations she's comfortable with. You'll have to work those out with her. Regardless, it's best to get this out of the way early before things get more complicated. The longer you wait, the harder this will impact you both.

[Belle Cri]

I suppose I'm fortunate in that my wife has always known from the day she met me. The real shocker was "guess what, so does everyone else, or they suspect." I can't tell you how many times in past relationship's I've gotten "are you sure you're not gay?? The canapés are great." After awhile and a lot of work in learning how not to care, it just slides off, and now I just say 'would it taste better if I were?"

She'a always been accepting and I've always known that, hell she dressed drag queens when she was 16. That's not everyone though - so folks are right, be honest, but kind - and do NOT get defensive, put on hurt airs, or get snitty. Be supportive, honest, open and caring. If she can't deal with that, I honestly doubt the cut of your clothes will help that issue.

[fiona frisson]

I like that turn of phrase 'loves ALL of you' ..a good starting point for many .. thanks

[Tashee]

This worked for me. It was before my future Wife & me became serious. I just flat out told her, no BS as we had a great friendship which we built the relationship on & I based it on that explained how being together meant together, openness open lines of truthful conversation with no secrets & I let mine out in which she could have walked out & we been together now for 15 years. I did do my best to find a woman who was my type open minded, and built our relationship on being friends best friends putting sex a distant 2nd. Can't say that it will work for others my Wife is special. Thanks for reading.

[NoraTV]

My ex-wife had no problems with it, and she even encouraged me. Our relationship actually became better for a while. We split for other reasons, but Nora was not one of them. There comes a time when you simply have to discuss this with that one person about whom you care the most. When is that time? That's a highly individual question. I would never presume to tell one of my sisters when that is. You will know when the time is right.