Perhaps feedback Needed.

[Dana44]

I would like to get some feedback. My SO a couple weeks ago, yeah I've been thinking on it.
On Friday nights we have a romantic evening , we drink wine and have a snacks etc, she was feeling it a bit and then revealed to me that deep down she does not like me to dress.
Also, she would never say my female name.
Since then, she has asked me why I haven't dressed. Every thing seems alright. Except that I guess, I'm questioning myself. I think my confidence is broke. I know that doesn't make sense. Yet I wonder. I am an optimist in all of my outlooks. So why am I questioning myself?
She told me that it is not her fault so don't blame her. I know that I should suck it up. Yet I feel empty.:sad:

[Rachelakld]

Personally I think 99% of our wives, deep down feel the same way.
I also think that were we given a choice of not crossdressing, without the negative kick back, a lot of us would stop, well I would.

For me the negative kick back (depression, anger etc) from not crossdressing, is worse than the crossdressing.

[Teresa]

Dana,
If you're only out to your wife and thought she was OK with your dressing now she says she's not if you have no one else to accept you then it's only reasonable to question what you're doing !
I have never been in that situation with my wife, so at the moment I only have pictures to validate what I do, people I have shown them to and members here have all been very kind in their comments ! I would love my wife to accept me openly but as I don't rely on her to give me confidence she can't knock it either !
Perhaps you could work on getting some good pictures to give you that boost at least you could dress in the knowledge that some people do accept you and the knock backs from your wife won't hurt so much !

[SamanthaSometimes]

I'm not surprised that most women would not "deep down inside" want their husbands to CD. Since she was a little under the influence of alcohol, she was telling you her preference with little inhibition. She, being honest and all things equal, just does not like you to dress. But that doesn't necessarily mean that she abhors it, thinks you are a pervert, or is going to divorce you over it. There are some things that bother me about my wife too but that doesn't mean I'm going to make a federal case about it. Perhaps for many wives, their husbands CD is a matter of rather tolerating dresses rather than all weekend golf outings, fishing, etc. Maybe the emptiness you are feeling is that she isn't fully accepting or doesn't encourage you to dress. I understand your emptiness.

[heatherdress]

Dana - Would it be a surprise if, after a few drinks, your wife told you that deep down inside she did not like - your family; or your occupation; or your best friend; or your love of golf; or .....

That would not mean she won't accept your family, or support your career, or be nice to your best friend, or let you play golf. Simply put - because she confided a deed-down dislike that you dress, that does not mean she does not accept or support your dressing. Maybe it is disappointing to realize her innermost feelings about something important to you. But it is better to be aware of her true feelings, acknowledge them and be realistic about her feelings. But it seems like she is still OK with your dressing and there should be no reason to discontinue dressing. Maybe you can add new dimensions to your cross-dressing which would benefit her. Like always giving her a simple gift or card when you dress, or maybe a massage, or provide some maid service, or simply doing something special for her. Maybe she might move beyond acceptance, deep down.

But do be thankful for what you have and thankful that your wife trusts you enough to confide her deep-down feelings.

[Jenniferathome]

Were you under the impression she DID want you to dress? That's kind of crazy. Tolerance and acceptance does not equal want. She is and has been accepting you. That's not enough?

[ChristinaK]

To me, it's like wearing a shirt my wife doesn't like but I do. I would always be reluctant to wear it around her because I respect her feelings. Sometimes I might, but the thought would be there.

We want our spouses to see us as desirable, but for most, what we do is the antithesis of desireable. So, out of respect for us they let us get away with what they can tolerate.

I do rejoice over those that post about their wives not only accepting it but liking it. Good for them, but not bloody likely for most.

I think time will heal your feelings. Be happy that she even tolerates it. Mine tends to throw things out without asking. Kind of irritating, but she does allow some things.

[Dana44]

Thanks for the feedback. I am grateful and talked to her about it. She did mention that we were getting into a routine and that she was getting used to it. I posted this because I wanted some feedback and I felt pretty broken over it. I know that I should go with the program. Yet a deep down thing like that is like a stomach punch. I've been over thinking on it and wanted to get some opinions. Thanks for posting.

[ReineD]

Although it's true that the average GG doesn't go out looking for CDers, there are SOs who are perfectly OK with it or who become OK with it in time.

Please don't take to heart what your wife said when you were drinking. Often when people drink they say things they don't mean. Your wife may well prefer it when you don't dress, but this doesn't mean that she thinks less of you or she doesn't love you. If you want to look at it another way, all of us have personality traits or characteristics that our SOs 'love less" than our other parts. For example I'm a terrible procrastinator while my SO is just the opposite. I'm sure he wishes that I didn't procrastinate so much. But, I don't feel less loved by him.

So just give it time. :hugs:

[Barbara Black]

I liked your advice Teresa, getting photos out to other people to get acceptance elsewhere. Even if my wife were to tell me that she accepted my crossdressing (which she never will), I would always have a doubt that she was saying it to please or pacify me. It's good to have someone giving you a positive opinion.

[Nadine Spirit]

You gotta figure out you. But I can relate some of what my wife and I went through.

Early on I would always look to her for reassurance. I did this in a variety ways by asking how I looked WAY too often, or needing her opinion about too many things like makeup, or just being hypersensitive to any comment she would make. Eventually through us talking about these things a lot I began to understand that the largest critic was inside my own head. I severly lacked confidence in what I was doing and I was looking to her to let me know that I was okay and not some weird freaky person. Because it was really me that thought that I was a freak. Understanding that about myself has really allowed me to remove the need to have her reassure me. It is the main thing that allowed me to be able to begin the process of growing my confidence by being able to look inside of me instead of constantly searching for ANY outside reassurance.

[docrobbysherry]

Dana, it,s all about compromise and balance. U,ll have figure this out between the two of u. We all have our own experiences. But they may not help because yours r your own.

[DebbieL]

You need to get into communication with each other, and stay in communication.
There can be many different issues, all in play at the same time.
First question - who are you when you are not cross-dressed? Are you typically masculine, an alpha male?
If she fell in love with you as an alpha male, she may be very heterosexual and not attracted to you when you are dressed.
She can see that you are very happy when you are dressed, so she allows your your time.

On the other hand, if you are a beta or omega male, someone who is a bit feminine already, then your wife may be bisexual.
Her struggle may not be that you are dressed as a woman, but that you are not doing it well.

My wife knew about my dressing, but she had to finally explain that even though she like the way I was when I was dressed, she did NOT like my wardrobe.
She told me that I dressed too ****ty, and that if I wanted to go out with her in public, she would need to have approval of my wardrobe, and I had to let her take me shopping.

The process was very much like an episode of "What Not to Wear" - with her going through my entire wardrobe and pulling about 90% and throwing it into the trash. Most wasn't even suitable for charity.
Then she took me to some really nice stores and helped me shop for clothing that was age, size, and situation appropriate. After a while it became second nature to choose well.

The irony is that now I don't want to shop without her, because I know that she knows what will work for me, feminine and attractive, yet appropriate.

Of course I almost immediately found that it was much easier to pass, not getting read at all. I have since transitioned and now life full time as a woman.
Lee loves Debbie even more than she loved Rex. we BOTH couldn't be happier.

[Nyla F]

I have a wife who disapproves of my crossdressing. We have a DADT arrangement. It is easy to feel down, guilt or shame. We can't expect positive validation or encouragement from our spouse. All we can do is make peace with ourselves and let go of the guilt and shame.

[JennyTV]

Dana,

Lots of GREAT advice in this thread. The only thing that I can add is to also encourage communication.

Without it what happens is we take a simple, often off-hand comment, and extrapolate it into something that simply isn't true. Then that invented, extrapolated "truth" hurts us far more than the original statement. Then you start building walls to keep from getting hurt again. You withdraw, start shutting down. The SO notices this and starts doing the same thing, extrapolating on your shutting down and they get hurt and start building walls. And without communication, a few years down the road you are where I am tonight, proof reading a final divorce decree.

My divorce isn't because of my crossdressing. But I can point to a time when not communicating a deep hurt sent me into a deep, deep depression that led me to start crossdressing again after I had stopped for many years. My reignited crossdressing was just the final blow to an all but dead marriage that was dying from a lack of communication.

So that's my advice to everybody here, communicate. And if you can't work that out for yourselves, then get some professional help. We finally did, but unfortunately it was far too late to save the relationship.

Sorry if this message is too much of a downer, but I want everybody to learn from my mistakes. Trust me, its a road you don't want to travel.

Anyway, all that downer talk aside. It really does sound like y'all have the basis for a great marriage with a wonderfully understanding, if not 100% accepting, wife. Treasure that!

*hugs*

Jen

[Lilian Sport Lover]

I do not blame her. When people drink they tend to let go of their guards and say what they truly feel. Women s sexuality and arousal is different then men. They usually get turned on and feel good about themselves by knowing that there is a real man close by. He offers psychological, social, physical, and financial protections. He offers Power. A CD destroy that image in her mind. How many times did I hear my musician male friends telling me how women go crazy about meeting them when they are on stage (power) while in real life it may takes them a year to get just a date.

[Marcelle]

Hi Dana,

I guess for those whose SOs know, we all deep down wish they not only tolerate but accept in on par with the way we accept it. Indeed, I think most derive a sense of confidence and strength from this perceived support . . . a sense of being able to be our true selves with love and support. Now, should an SO (as you wife did) confide that she does not truly like you dressing, it can shake our sense of being as our one anchor to the Vanilla world has been removed and we are left adrift to try and find acceptance elsewhere.

I am with others here in that your wife did not say she doesn't love you anymore, she just does not like you dressing. It doesn't mean she is going to throw you the curb or leave you but that she has declared a sort of boundary which needs to be discussed. I would open dialogue with her as soon as possible. You might start with something along the lines of "The other night over wine you mentioned you did not like to see me dressed. Would you prefer I keep this private and not dress around you?" Assuming she does not ever want to see you dressed could be wrong and while I understand "not feeling like dressing" you really should sort this out, "not dressing" (even though you don't feel like it) may be construed by her as a declaration of blame . . . "Fine you don't like me dressing, so I won't and I will be miserable and it will be your fault". I am not saying this is what you are doing, but without communication things can be misconstrued all the time . . . talking is one of the most important things in our journey with our SOs.

Hugs

Isha

[Krististeph]

the easiest way to get the idea of how she feels is to reverse the situation. If she were crossdressing male: Would you really want her to dress male? Assuming you are the "typical" (i'm gonna get pummeled for that word, i know it) CD like me, heterosexual, it would not turn you on (let's forget about those wonderful gorgeous man-tailored pantsuits for a minute).
But would you accept it? Of course. Would you actively try to encourage it? Probably not. The problem with this analogy is that you understand first hand what gender dysphoria is like. She cannot.
But the key to most problems is communication (well, communication or high explosives, to be accurate...). This does not mean telling her the negative aspects of how what she said makes you feel, but drawing out more description from her. It involves her more. Many spouses feel sidelined by our crossdressing- although it is usually due to some form or level of embarrassment on our part- this does not help or explain sufficiently. She obviously loves you, and also trusts that you love her enough to not letting that admission affect you unduly.

[BethanyCross]

Hi Dana,
My wife and I have a DADT relationship on my CDing. Early in our 30+ years of marriage she tried to accept me for what I was but could not get over it. She couldn't get comfortable with seeing me enfemme. My brief foray out of the closet ended then. I don't blame her for being who she is anymore than she blames me for being who I am. Ironically, after all my years of being in the closet, I don't think I could get comfortable with being feminine in front of her!

[kimdl93]

She spoke when she was intoxicated. That isn't necessarily the truth, in fact it's most likely muddled, overly emotionalized misstatement of her thoughts and feelings. Have the next conversation over a cup of coffee in the clear light of day. Mention that her comments had bothered you, and had caused you to hold back. And then see what she has to say.

[Rachel1225]

"Typical" ?? What's that? Ha ha ! Love it ! To everyone here embrace who you are! Your all very special creatures!

[Dana44]

A lot of good answers here. WE do communicate a lot. It does keep us close. I had talked to her about it, yet she didn't know that it hurt me deeply. She read this post and said that you all answered very well. Last night was Friday night and we talked it out. I want to thank you all. She said that JennysTv was right on. I read it. It was good that she read this. We communicated and she said that she never wanted to hurt me. She knows that I'm a strong man with a fem side. She wants me to be happy and told me to put on makeup more to practice. I think all is well, yet I know how she feels deeply. She is accepting and wants to go out. She did ask me what feeling empty meant. LOL, I told her that was male feeling and that a woman would never understand it. I don't think I could explain it. I think its the stuff all the way back to childhood of the crap we had to go through. Deep. I got the best world with her. I just had to get my head straightened out. I thank all of you who responded.

[Teresa]

JennyTV,
Sorry I skipped your answer the first time but your words ring so true !
I think and hope that I've managed to get to the communication problem before it's too late ! It's still like walking on eggshells most of the time !
My counsellor urged me not to keep working on assumptions, my head was just going round in circles thinking what if all the time !
No it's not downer talk it's common sense but we often can't see the wood for the trees !

[Alice Torn]

It sounds like a good ending to this one!