Fiancé troubles

[kaylyn]

My fiancé said recently that she is getting tired of my cross dressing. Any ideas how I can make it more fun for her or how to include her to get her back on my side. She used to be all for it but now is saying that she isn't. Any help is appreciated.

[DanaR]

You probably should ask her, why her feeling have changed. She might be seeing something that you aren't seeing.

[franlee]

Simple, ask her what she wants to do while incorporating the CDing. And if she has no answer discuss hypothetical situation until you find common ground. If you can't then it is time for a much more serious discussion and decisions. There is no trouble it is or it isn't something you can live with. It isn't going away.

[ReineD]

Yes, do ask her to elaborate a little.

In the meantime, take a look at how things have changed since you first came out to her. One fairly common experience is that at first a gf who is new in love will see the CDing as a harmless kink, or if it's not in the bedroom she will see it as a fun extra-curricular activity as long as it doesn't take over. But judging by stories I've read here over the years, a gf's initial acceptance (or lack of negative judgment) will often encourage a CDer to want to do more. And more. And more. That's when the red flags go up. Then the gf wonders how deep this is, she wonders about her place in the relationship if the CDing seems to become more important or more frequent.

Of all the time you spend with your fiancée, how much is in guy mode not even thinking or talking about the CDing, and how much time are you dressed (fully or partially) or wanting to talk about related things (like makeup, fashion, etc).

You didn't give a lot of detail and I can't get into all the different scenarios that might cause a GG to say this, but let's just say that you aren't the first person who reports a cooling-off of sorts.

I have bad news though. If your fiancée said that she is tired of the CDing, I think you're past the ability to "make it fun" for her. Keep in mind that it is fun for YOU (you are the CDer), and your gf was going along to make you happy while expecting some balance ... until she sensed that the CDing was a threat to the type of relationship she wants to have with you. This doesn't mean you have to stop entirely. But, she may not wish to be as involved as she was before because she may want to spend more time with you as a guy?

So, what happened? How have things progressed?

[Michelle (Oz)]

I so like following Reine's replies :) And good advice above.

My wife has absolutely no interest in seeing, talking about or participating in my CDing. That's been the case for some years now. One suggestion is to ask yourself what you would do if your fiancée took a similar view. Would you stay together? Would you hide your CDing? Would you force your fiancée to participate knowing she was unhappy to do so? In this way you prepare yourself for her not wanting to participate. You also might be a little more cautious about the amount of CDing you do with her.

[Jenny Elwood]

Time to cut back a bit?

[AnnaMarie]

It's a really interesting thread and question because it raises further concerns further into the relationship. My SO knows nothing about my CD'ing and I don't think I will ever tell her for various reasons. It's posing bigger questions for me too as the more I think about how I am the more I realise I'm heading towards wanting to possibly take another step. I'd always wondered why I always had an interest in how women walk, dress, talk, act etc and I'm starting now to think that's who I want to be. However, as for you Kaylyn, you probably need to decide what it most important for you and if you can live without it. For me I'd hate to live without it but I'd hate to loose my wife, family, kids and the life I've got more. It's a balancing act. Just my 2p worth!

[Marcelle]

Hi Kaylyn,

I can only agree what most have said and that you need to talk to your fiancé and discuss what she means. Being introspective on how you may have changed, increased or whatnot in your relationship would be wise prior so you can appreciate where she may be coming from. But communication is the key the ingredient here.

Hugs

Isha

[PaulaQ]

BTW, I know it's popular to feel as if we have some control over people and situations, it's entirely possible that your SO has realized this isn't for her, and that nothing in your behavior has changed.

Hopefully you can find some type of balance with her, but know that isn't always possible. Understand, though, that it could just as easily be disagreements over money, household chores, or any number of other problems that couples have. This isn't anything special, other than its a lot rarer than arguments over money.

[Maria 60]

I believe as everyone else said to just ask her, it sounds easy but it's not. I found with my wife when it was just pantyhose and skirt she was alright, but then when it came to wigs, and make-up she started getting worried. I slowed it down a bit and then little at a time I started asking her what the problem was. It took time but she did come around.

[Kate Simmons]

Give her more attention perhaps? When it comes to choosing to spend time with my GF or dressing, I most always defer to her. That shows her what I feel is more important to me.:)

[SherriePall]

Could just be a case of you were her boyfriend. Now you're going to be her husband. I have read that some women tolerate dressing boyfriends, but don't want to marry one.

[Dianne S]

Think very hard about this. It is my experience that problems at the start of a relationship usually get worse, not better, as time goes on. I would pause for a while and explore whether or not she really can tolerate your CDing and if so, whether it's to a level that will satisfy you.

Please do not get married until this is resolved.

[kaylyn]

Thank you all for your comments. As far as my dressing goes it's bra and panties everyday. I normally don't go full dress unless it's a special occasion or she's not home. I will definitely talk to her about it and try and understand where she is coming from.

[ReineD]

Kaylyn, I would like to point out that to some GGs the frequency is more important than whether it is partial or full dress in determining "how deep this runs". So if you went from occasionally putting on these things to wearing them all the time, your fiancée might be wondering if you will want to add more items in the future to wear every day (leading up to dressing like a woman in front of everyone you know). Also, wearing a bra every day when a person does not have breasts and is not presenting as a woman in public (which is understandable for passing purposes as a means to hold forms in place), can lead a SO to wonder if you do want breasts and this brings up the question of whether you are unhappy with your male body ... and then all the other questions that come up about that topic.

On the other hand, if a CDer is happy dressing up fully say once or twice per week, I think it is easier for a GG to see the dressing as a part-time thing and that her SO is happy being a male the rest of the time.

I'm glad you're going to talk about this with her, but I would suggest getting down to the fine details just to make sure you are both on the same page.

[DonnaT]

Could you get by, satisfy your need to CD, without the bra? Might help.

However, from your last remarks, my guess is she is having second thoughts about marriage. Whether she is using your CDing as an excuse or not will have to come from her being honest with you.

[Lori Kurtz]

Some of the previous responses have suggested (wisely) that you honestly examine yourself to consider how your CDing might have changed since she was okay with it. I think there is another possibility to consider: she might be the one who has changed. You both are entitled to have some changes happen in the course of your life. It might be that her attitudes and feelings have changed about your CDing. If that's the case, it's possible that the two of you don't belong together. Nobody's fault, just maybe the way it is. It's much better that you both discover this now rather than later. I'm not saying I know anything--obviously I don't. But this might be something for you both to think about.

[kaylyn]

@ReineD I wear a bra daily because I am used to one and it's not an adjustment with my forms. I just use my forms and a different bra. Just doesn't feel right without one and I have worn panties and bra daily since she met me and I was very open up front with her before we started dating.

[kaylyn]

@DonnaT I could get by without a bra but I've always worn one daily since we've met and it would be weird to stop. Plus she has even bought me bras and panties before which does nothing but add to my confusion and frustration.

[Jenniferathome]

Give up any notion of "making it fun" for her.

What you can do is talk to her about what she can handle and what she can not. Honor her boundaries. Over time, she may come to stretch the boundaries. Time and conversation are your friends.

[brynnewilliams]

In my situation, my wife knows and doesn't care. I just choose to do it when she is not around so as I don't press the issue. The last thing I want is to make her uncomfortable. Could you maybe try doing it only when she is not around?

[kaylyn]

Another complication to this is that we are about to move in together for grad school so hiding it from her wont be an option.

[Jenniferathome]

You don't have to hide it from her AND it's ok if she's not into it. Talk to her and set boundaries that she can live with.

[ReineD]

Just doesn't feel right without one and I have worn panties and bra daily since she met me and I was very open up front with her before we started dating.

I do know that most GGs become alarmed when their SO's expand the CDing. They don't know how far it will go and the average GG tends to lump the CDing and transexualism together. Also most CDers do expand the CDing. It is rare for a CDer to start out at a certain level and stay there indefinitely without any changes whatsoever. Most CDers do expand their feminine presentation, or they begin going out dressed, or they do both.

So there have been no changes in your case, and everything is the same now as when you first met? Then I was wrong about your situation and you can forget what I said, or maybe just keep it at the back of your mind when you talk to her.

I have a question: if you wear bra and panties to feel comfortable, why is it important for you to make it fun for her?

[PaulaQ]

My first wife grew tired of my cross dressing, as well. I really didn't do it often around her - nor did I really go all the way. It was, from her perspective, just an occasional bedroom kink. (Oh little did she know.) Later on, after I met her again last year, she told me that had she known I was transgender, she'd have probably stayed with me, particularly after I'd sobered up. (We were really wrong for each other, so there's no way that could've worked.)

I agree that inquiring after her feelings about this - what she means by "tired of it". I think it is also worth pointing out several things to her:
1. This is a part of you.
2. It isn't going to go away. It just isn't.
3. It doesn't mean in and of itself that you are going to transition. Most crossdressers do not transition.

You can tell her this came from "the scary trans woman on the forum who was a CD who did transition," if that helps. You can further buttress your argument by mentioning that "that woman was crazy, I'm not, so I'll be fine." I live to be a negative and unrelatable example.

You're welcome.

[kaylyn]

@ReineD I just thought if I made it fun for her she would be more accepting of it.

[ReineD]

@ReineD I just thought if I made it fun for her she would be more accepting of it.

I know it sounds like a good idea, but really most GGs aren't looking to have fun with this, not unless it is just a kink in the bedroom. If you wear bra and panties for comfort, then I don't think it's a fun, kinky thing for you and something you enjoy doing just once in a while? You need your fiancée's understanding. Try to explore your own feelings and what you want out of all of this, and communicate that to her. Hopefully she will be OK with whatever you have to say, but don't minimize anything. Tell her your feelings from your heart.

[TeriJean72]

*giggles*

I know that my wife's big concern is that she wont have any place in my life, from a romantic / erotic stand point, with this. She is not bisexual in the least, and my dressing as a woman holds no interest for her. It's touchy, as this is a new facet to our relationship (but I not really to me in a way.. but it's complicated). Right now it's all about discussion, and figuring things out, and deciding what boundaries each of us can work with. And therapy.. There is gonna be a lot of therapy involved..

[Sarasometimes]

If you have ALWAYS wear bra & panties with her and she brought up her getting tired what was your reply at the moment? This is a women who knows about this and is planning to live with you and your response was to check here first? As for living together and hiding it, unless you are living in a dorm room there is likely a way to keep it less in her view. So you are usually in drab but were bra and panties all the time and get no feedback from others? I'm not getting a good picture and as others suggested why now try to make this fun for her?
Curious what you are studying in grad school? Communications?
You best work this out before you marry her because that will likely result in you two also living together.

[giuseppina]

Kaylyn, one thing I don't see mentioned is this turn-off on CDing may be a cover for something else and the CDing is a convenient scapegoat. Food for thought.

[Stephanie47]

You need to get this resolved before you and her marry. I've said numerous times when a relationship is new, just about everything one does get a pass. Kind of "Love Conquers All!" Even if you're married, everything is subject to change and renegotiation. It's better to resolve this before marriage, and, especially before children.

[CherylFlint]

Put the dressing on hold and see what happens.
Seems to me she’s tired of YOU and is using the dressing as an excuse.
Good luck.

[Beverley Sims]

In this situation I would back off for a while, maybe there is a bit too much at the moment.

Sometimes less is better and keeps the novelty alive.

[VtVicky]

Reality check, people.

Genetic Women choosing to live with us are choosing to accept "not normal" to some degree.

No little girl grows up fantasizing about "happily ever after" with a CD. Living with us is a comprimise of her expectations. We had better be worth it somehow. At the very least, we better be ready to comprimise our fantasy as well.

I recall many times thinking how perfect my last marriage was. I was getting practically everything I could hope for...and maybe a little more. In the back of my mind there was a little voice saying that this was too good to be true. But, I squashed it. I should have listened.

The divorce was focused on other things. But, I continue to wonder if I had been a little less selfish about the CDing, could we have survived her mental health breakdown differently.

Living with us is a strain. We need to know that, and always watch for signs that it may be wearing thin on our partners. And be prepared to back off a bit in order to give her some room to regroup. And, of course, time to realize how wonderful living with us really is, inspite of some "irregularities".

[CONSUELO]

I think she is really telling you something important and it is not "I'm bored with your cross dressing"

[Sarasometimes]

Something does add up back in March Kaylyn was asking for advice about getting a boob job and dressing all the time while seeing a gender therapist? bye bye

[char GG]

Kaylyn, just out of curiousity, what is the fun in your CDing for your girlfriend? What do you think that you are doing to make it more fun? I would hope that you hold off getting married until any current or foreseeable future issues are resolved.

[Tina_gm]

I would ask your fiance to describe what exactly it is that she is getting tired of? is it the amount of time you CD, or the amount of time that it is talked about, or whatever else too much may be. When there is advice about backing off, I think sometimes that members on here may think that means a total shut down of any and all CDing or related stuff. You may not have to do a complete shutdown, but pulling back on the reigns of it might be a good idea.

VTVicky does give some awesome insight and advice here. What was said in that post is a true reality check that many of us, myself included may need from time to time.

[Sarasometimes]

I think the OP has left the building.

[kaylyn]

Sorry, I'm still here just been super busy. I had a chat with my fiancé and she said she doesn't mind the cross dressing or the bra and panties. The only reason she said what she said was because one day I made the mistake of wearing a bra and a thin shirt in a hot day around her parents and they saw my bra. She wanted to set rules about it such as around her parents maybe just panties lol. She then loaded me in the car and we went to Victoria's Secret together spending more money on lingerie for both of us than we should have and then had a fashion show when we got home. But on top of that I was super busy moving things from my house to a storage unit so that we can move at the end of the summer to our new home!!

[kaylyn]

And yeah I was talking to a gender therapist for a while and we determined transition wasn't right for me and the boob job thing was fleeting because I saw a guy did it for a bet and I was super jealous and wanted one for like a week, the end.

[justmetoo]

kaylyn, sounds like you're doing the right thing, keeping the communication going. I'm glad to hear it sounds like things are going well! Best wishes!