The complexities of gender, or, why categories are only useful tools

[RachelsMantra]

Hi all,

I've been doing a lot of soul-searching lately, trying to figure out who I have been, who I am, and who I want to be. I watched the Bruce Jenner interview. It was inspiring. It made me do a lot of thinking about whether I am "just" a crossdresser or a crossdresser who deep down wants something more, something more permanent.

I love crossdressing. I have been doing it in one form or another since I was a little boy. But I was a happy boyish boy who loved sports and riding bikes and playing outside. I'm pretty sure I never experienced gender dysphoria - I was always comfortable being a boy and wearing boys clothes. It's just in my private time I enjoyed dressing up in female garments (especially pantyhose) and pleasuring myself. For years it was just a sexual thing. But as I have gotten older and recently gotten divorced my crossdressing has been taking it up to new levels of seriousness and attempting to pass, filling out my wardrobe, getting all the accessories, etc. I have started making it more public. I go outside dressed now on occasion. Dog walks, shopping, coffee, taking the trash out. Sometimes I wear nair polish when in male mode. I've shaved my arms and legs and body completely.

So I recently heard about the term "genderfluid". The idea is that you are neither 100% male or 100% female but something in between and your identity shifts from a daily, hourly, or weekly basis. I asked myself, am I genderfluid? Sometimes I go for months in male mode never crossdressing. Other times crossdressing is all I think about. Right now I am in the grip of serious pink fog. But I don't really feel like a woman - never have. I don't have many if any female mannerisms. I dont talk feminine or walk feminine or have any "natural" feminine behaviors. I dont think like a woman, except for maybe empathy (but it's a stereotype that women are more empathic anyway).

Here's where it gets weird. If I could press a magic button and turn into a genetic girl I probably would press that button. I could see myself very happy living fulltime as a woman, getting to dress all the time and be supported in society doing so. But the thought of transitioning in real life doesn't really appeal to me (right now). I definitely wouldn't want SRS - I would prefer to keep my penis than a surgically created vagina. The thought of boobs appeals to me somewhat but I worry that I would eventually go back into a male phase and regret any permanent decision. I hate shaving but the thought of 200 hours of electrolysis is not appealing in the least. HRT doesn't appeal to me because I want to keep my sexual libido and not sure if I want breasts for real (though I love the feel of breastforms). In a nutshell, I dont need to be a woman but I want to be a woman. But I know realistically I will never pass unless very drastic measures are taken, measures I dont think match my current level of dysphoria (which I think is very low compared to true transgendered women).

Am I a manly woman? Or a womanly man? Or a mixture of both? Or neither? Genderqueer, genderfluid, crossdresser, transgender, bigender. All these labels apply to me in some respects but none is a perfect label. Lesson learn? I think I need to give up on finding the "perfect" category to label myself. I need to take into account the possibility that my feelings about categories will evolve over time. Maybe I will be more on the transgender side of things once my career prospects are more secure in the future. Environmental context matters a lot for the expression of desires.

What I really want to do is just be myself. But it's hard to do that when you don't really know what you want and your only certainties are science-fiction scenarios involving magic transformation buttons. The harsh realities of being a trans woman in this society don't really appeal to me - I dont want to worry about harassment on a daily basis. I don't want to give up social power as a man. But by feminizing myself, dressing, wearing nail polish, I've already lost power to some extent. The question is, how much power do I want to give up?

The classic questions involve thought experiments that radically change society. If society was 100% accepting of crossdressers, I would probably dress female 100% of the time yet never pursue physical or medical modification. I would be happy as a feminine man. But since society is not accepting of crossdressers, I want to pass as a female. Which makes me want HRT and electrolysis etc. But that desire is a contingent function of current society. It is not an idealized desire. Do I pursue realistic desires or idealized desires?

At the end of the day gender is a complex matter. Maybe I will figure it out. Maybe I won't. Either way, it's ok. It's a process of exploration and discovery. Do what makes you happy on a daily basis. Think about consequences but learn to stand up against the pressures of society. Life is short. There is no afterlife. I only have one shot to make myself happy.

Sorry for the rambling wall of text. I just wanted to get some thoughts down on paper and used this forum as a vehicle for self-expression. Thanks for reading! Feel free to share your thoughts on the complexities of gender and whether in your case you feel crossdressing is distinct from genderqueerness or whether they are two sides of the same coin.

[ErikaS]

A very good read not a vent. I too am torn is the same way but i have been suppressing those female thoughts for a bit I don't know where i fit into the game I dress every day i wear almost 90% female clothes but i am a man I feel better as a women i like myself but i am so afraid of the do I take the red pill or blue pill. I want to take the right one but at what cost. its a long process and i am just starting the therapy to hopefully try to understand whats going inside of me. I think through support and others we will do the right thing.

Stay strong, hugs
Erika

[Teresa]

RachelsMantra,
Many of us live with that confusion , I'm twice your age and just entering counselling now. After all these years the feelings don't go away and now I would like to know some answers , even now I don't know want direction I'll finally take .
I'm sorry you've gone through a divorce but you are young enough to start over with a new partner and help you in whatever direction you choose to take !
Yes there are many labels that we can attach to ourselves if we choose , many of us don't fit in a single box but up to a point I think they do help to guide us and others rather than drifting aimlessly .

[Alyssa Lane]

I have only done what i like, do what makes you happy the most. That is the key, the sometimes passing is fine, buy the most realistic but at the end of the day you can do anything you like best.

[Alex!]

Humans love to sort and organize. Sorting and organizing folks based on gender or sexual preference is a natural thing to do. It is a useful process, I think, in helping to understand how and why people are the way they are. The danger, of course, is that such categorizing can be abused.

Clearly, folks are very complex, and no category captures a person entirely. We all know this. But I do feel that crossdressing belongs more in the sexual spectrum and not the gender spectrum. In the formative years, crossdressing seems to be a behavior boys engage in while exploring sexuality - a convenient "girl on demand", if you will. Perhaps, for most who exhibit this behavior, the dressing never goes away; it becomes a learned behavior. Crossdressing is pretty harmless, though lay persons feel threatened because a) it challenges notions of virility (i.e., the dreaded accusation of being a "sissy") and men can respond violently when this is questioned, and 2) women in relationships with men who do this may feel betrayed (if dressing is revealed after marriage or later in a relationship), or that the alter ego is "another woman" (because, I believe, the alter ego represents a sort of archetype of an ideal woman).

There must be some sort of overlap, though. While some boys are exploring sexuality via crossdressing, others might be exploring crossdressing because it seems to fit their identity more effectively. Or, while many boys might explore sexuality through crossdressing, a small percentage might realize that the behavior reveals something more - gender dysphoria.

Anyway, I'm no expert in transgender matters, but I am a bit of an expert in crossdressing because, well, I am one. I am also aware that within the realm of crossdressing, there are many shades and hues!

[franlee]

I read you post with empathy. Many of the same questions have been present in my own adventures. I came to realize a long time ago that the only Label so to speak for myself was Cross Dresser and even that wasn't exactly true all the time. The clothes were mine and my choice some times is completely with out regard or even checking to see what the labels indicate. They are mine, I am a man and I enjoy and benefit from CDing. The rest of all these titles are for whom ever needs a Label and change nothing. Spending time or effort on finding justification is taking away from me enjoying my wardrobe, I have a hard enough time finding the energy and opportunities to dress with out distractions of my own devise. I would say you are in a similar boat with your description of thought and practices. So my suggestion is let all that sort go and enjoy who you are "Right this second." We are all in a state of flux when it comes to dealing with the Maybe's and What if's. Be and do what ever as long as you do no harm.

[Pat]

Rachel --

I feel much of what you're feeling and I think many if not most on this particular forum do too. I'm happy being male but I need whatever it is that crossdressing provides. Not just putting on the clothes, but going out into the world and being the person I am while presenting female. My personal term (actually gifted to me by a more insightful friend) for what I am is "transgender male" though gender-fluid is also good. I find that if I go out thinking I'm impersonating a woman then I'm like a mouse running along the baseboard of society, afraid of being "discovered." If I go out feeling that I'm a transgender male then the makeup and the clothes don't have to be explained or justified -- it's what transgender males do; what they're supposed to do and I have a right to be wherever I am. Funny how an adjustment of nomenclature can make a profound difference.

I believe we are a natural class of male who have this need and probably would fulfill a purpose in society if we got out there and generated some respect and became good role models for others. I'm trying to figure out how I might do that and I think there's a groundswell of others who are doing the same. So are you a manly woman or a womanly man? No, you're something we don't have words for yet. But there's nothing wrong with you. You have a right to exist and live peaceably; you have something to contribute to society.
:2c:

[JamieTG]

Hi Rachel. I know exactly what you are going through. Uncertainty, especially about who we are, can cause a lot of internal stress and turmoil. I'm somewhere in the middle and dress in an androgonous manner. I wish I were one or the other; a masculine Xdresser who feels comfortable in his masculine body, or a TS who wants sex reassignment. I think its much harder being in the middle trying to figure it all out. Sometimes we seek a label just to calm the anxiety we are feeling. Best of luck in your journey!

[CherylFlint]

All I can say is, “Welcome to the club”.
I suppose most of us feel as you, I know I do.
The solution? Just enjoy your times as Rachel and be thankful we live in a society that we can dress without being hung from the nearest lamppost.
And, yes, I suppose that, given a choice, I’d have preferred to have been born a woman but we have to play the hand that we’re dealt so just make the best of it.
Stay safe and have fun.
Actually, dressing is the most fun I’ve ever had.

[Marcelle]

Hi Rachel,

You have described my life perfectly. My therapist refers to me as "crossgender" in that I spend about 40 percent of my time female and 60 percent of my time male. After a year and bit of this, I decided to stop questioning and just see that as part of who I am, embrace and just be me irrespective of the gender I present. I have come out to most everyone and will be presenting part-time at work soon as female. I can't explain why I need to do this any more than I can explain why I need to dress as a guy . . . it is what it is. I think many in the Vanilla World and to some extent some on this site, see what we do as a neat binary: (1) you are either TS or; (2) just a cross dresser. We know from many who water here, that is not true and that a whole spectrum exists.

As Cheryl said . . . just enjoy being Rachel . . . life is too short to not be the person you were truly meant to be in whatever guise suits your fancy.

Hugs

Isha

[MonicaMarie]

This is an excellent documentary on gender identity: https://youtu.be/ZFoe_0_gThw

My take-away was, as one interviewee explained, that nature loves diversity and society abhors it. The variation of gender identities and sexual preferences among humans is as varied as our appearances and personalities. We make ourselves so unhappy trying to squeeze into society's tidy little unrealistic boxes.

[Bridget Ann Gilbert]

Hi Rachel,

As you can see you are not alone. Many of us struggle with terms to describe ourselves, not so much for ourselves but to help others understand us better. Like it or not we humans need language to convey concepts but sometimes there is an inadequate vocabulary. What really matters is that you develop a complete sense of self that you are comfortable and confident with. As to your current desire to take radical steps to overcome your stronger male attributes, I think you are right to implicate your current case of pink fog. As other elements in your life get back on track and the fog dissapates you will probably find you are comfortable going back and forth in gender identities.