Can't get over the fear

[Alice K]

There I was sitting in the parking lot of the mall. The opportunity to buy a well known cosmetics company's gender neutral products but with them came bonus gifts of lipstick, eyeshadow, mascara, etc. and a 10 day supply of foundation. But I couldn t bring myself to approach the counter. What a prison fear creates. So disappointed in myself.
Alice

[chris63]

Don't be disappointed! You had a victory in that you made it farther than you did last week or last month. Today the store was conquered. Next week or so the make up counter awaits. Don't beat yourself up. You are loved and beautiful !

Hugs and Kisses
Chris

[Lauri K]

Alice,

It has happened to most everyone here at least once I am guessing (most likely), I cannot tell from reading your post if you were dressed up or in guy mode sitting in the mall lot.

If you were dressed and this happened, you may want to start out with a smaller activity like just a walk down a sidewalk down town to get comfortable.

There will be another promotional offer for makeup I am certain, so don't beat your self up too bad over missing the deal today.

Just take smaller steps until you get more comfortable, then go make that purchase with confidence of Alice.

[Heidi Stevens]

Alice, fear will stop you every time you let it. Until you prove to yourself that nothing is life and death here, nothing but your own fears are holding you back! Think about it, you're just going in to buy a product from a vendor. Do you freeze up when you go in to buy bread? No! So keep trying my friend, it's time for you to control your fears and start having some fun.

[Kristy 56]

Alice, most of us have been where you are. The first time was the hardest for me. Then I thought about all of the other difficult things I've do on in life,and shopping paled in comparison. The rest is history,although there are times when it just doesn't feel right, I just go home and try it another time. Good luck ! :)

[justmetoo]

I've known the fear, too. I overcame it over time and go out from time to time now with little fear, if any. A key for me was self-acceptance. You will get there in your own time. Don't be too hard on yourself in the meantime.

[Alice K]

I was in drab and could have even lied that it was for the wife....which proves fear is all in your head. But thanks for the en'courage'ment.

[Meghan4now]

Alice. I get it. Sometimes I can go for it and sometimes not. It depends on how crowded it is and how far from home I am. And if their are families with noisy children. The crowd has a big influence. Try early mornings, you may feel more comfortable.

[Alex!]

Don't be hard on yourself. I've been there before - it is paralyzing. It can be frustrating, to be sure, but it takes one step at a time. One can focus on these steps as things to look forward to, because in the end, you look back fondly at them as milestones achieved - and each time it was such a thrill!

[Jorja]

Don't be so hard on yourself. You tried! Keep trying and one day you will just walk in and buy what you want and not think a thing of it.

[paulinescotlandcd]

Don't worry we have all been there, a year or less from now you will laugh at yourself. The fact is the counter staff don't give two hoots and just like to make a sale.

[flatlander_48]

A K:

Tell us about your fears. Please be as specific as you can. Sometimes it is helpful to describe our fears and how they make us feel.

DeeAnn

[Vanessa_V_Ed]

Alice I am at your same state with makeup.
I will follow the valuable advices.

I already have purchased clothing at some stores. I will use those small successes to help me when buying makeup.

[Sara Jessica]

Call me the Honey Badger, I just don't give a s#*%!!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4r7wHMg5Yjg

(The most bizarre...but oh-so applicable...motivational video!)

[Sarah-RT]

Every Journey begins with a small step

I get weekend passes from the prison of fear, its hard to get out there but when you do its all for the better!

Sarah x

[pamela7]

Men buy "presents" for their partners all the time, so its not as if you're even "outing" yourself when shopping for anything female.
If you want a way to clear the fear FM me.

[Alice K]

To describe the fear. I know it is simple enough. Walk in buy moisturizer or facial soap. The free bag - no problem.

Me: "Thank you. My wife will love this. Oh and the foundation."

Me- "I need to match the area around my eyes because the mottled look around my face is what I am trying to balance out.
Sales clerk - "but why would a gentleman need foundation?
Three other sales clerks standing by: " snicker, snicker, ha, ha.
Hope that was descriptive of the fear. Maybe as mentioned earlier the issue is self-acceptance.

[Nadya]

You'll get there eventually. For me, it's been slow getting over the fear but I still have the drive to get over it which I'm assuming you have as well. Think of it as a step closer to being where you want to be. <3

[flatlander_48]

To describe the fear. I know it is simple enough. Walk in buy moisturizer or facial soap. The free bag - no problem.

Me: "Thank you. My wife will love this. Oh and the foundation."

Me- "I need to match the area around my eyes because the mottled look around my face is what I am trying to balance out.
Sales clerk - "but why would a gentleman need foundation?
Three other sales clerks standing by: " snicker, snicker, ha, ha.
Hope that was descriptive of the fear. Maybe as mentioned earlier the issue is self-acceptance.

No, that's the scenario. Describe your feelings. Are you sick or worried or angry or what? What is happening for you inside? What do you see? What do you think about? I think it is very hard to face up to a fear if you don't get a handle on what's happening for you.

I understand that the issue is self-acceptance, but you can accept yourself in your living room. Evidently there is something in the scenario you describe that hits a nerve...

DeeAnn

[Kandi Robbins]

I know it's hard to believe, but shopping in a female specific store, even in guy mode, is so much easier than in a store that caters to both.

They want your money, they'll treat you well.

[CynthiaD]

It's kinda scary at first, but trust me. It gets a lot easier quickly. Just keep at it.

[Launa]

To describe the fear. I know it is simple enough. Walk in buy moisturizer or facial soap. The free bag - no problem.

Me: "Thank you. My wife will love this. Oh and the foundation."

Me- "I need to match the area around my eyes because the mottled look around my face is what I am trying to balance out.
Sales clerk - "but why would a gentleman need foundation?
Three other sales clerks standing by: " snicker, snicker, ha, ha.
Hope that was descriptive of the fear. Maybe as mentioned earlier the issue is self-acceptance.

I have been in many situations like this before and it has always worked out like this:
Sales Clerk - sir the things you have bought are great. Your wife will love them as I can tell you that I use them on myself everyday.
Me - actually I want to use them and they are for me. I'm transgendered and don't always look like this if you know what I mean.
Sales Clerk - no problem if that's the case you should maybe try this too.....
Me - Thank you I need all the help I can get having a male face has other challenges. If you can think of anything else that could help let me know.
Sales Clerk - calls over some friends and explains the situation and before I know it I have lots of help.
Sales Clerk - when are you going out next and where? You should stop by sometime when your made up and we can help you out even more. Or stop by and show us some pictures! Have a nice day.

I can tell you I have had more experiences like this than you can imagine. Most of the young sales clerks that are women are gung ho to help us out. Usually to them it seem kind of fun. Or different from their normal activities.

You'll see!

Launa

[Jules Spirit]

I think the problem is that you have preconceived notions about what people are like. My husband has bought make up en femme and in DRAB, and never once have the sales people been rude. If anything, they have been more kind and generous with him than they are with me. Go in the store and try it. You will not die. You might just be a little uncomfortable.
You can do it! ��

[Genny B]

Great advise from all. Take it in. That is what I have always done. There was a purchase I have been wanting to make for years but never did for fear. I even thought about trying to talk the wife into getting it for me but I knew she would want to be reasonable and state I had no need for the item. I knew that, but the want was great. The funny thing is I eventually made the purchase in a local store in my own community during peak business hours and didn't make an excuse or anything, just purchased what I wanted! And I love it! As many say, just own it!
Genny B

[Trinity Sue]

Fear is being seen by someone , I was at the mall , in front of one cosmetic stores they had couple chair and these two young girls were doing eye makeup demonstrations for free . I walk by very slowly ,looking over everything when one of the posters caught my eye. It was a purple blue glitter shadow with black outline and it tailed of the corner of the eye . I went over to it and looked at every detail to see if I could do it by myself , when one of the girls walked up. I did not see her ,but when she said I like that color too , I froze, my heart raced ,I looked around to see who she was talking to and realized it was me. She then went on and asked me if I would like to have it done. I could not talk , I just stood there, seemed like an eternity, and some how the words left my mouth " I can? " and the girl said sure sit. I walked away ,, I do not know why but I walked away . For the next few visit to the mall I avoided that area . The eye haunts me , I have tried to create it on myself but I look like an alien shot me. I so wanted to sit ,,but I guess the fear was to great.
Trinty

[hope springs]

Alice my heart goes out to you. I've been shopping about 8 times now and only had a minor issue. Some lady looked like a deer in the headlights when I was carrying dresses into the change room (unisex btw). I asked her "were the dresses that hideous? I thought they were nice". She stated at me for a second, said she was sorry and I laughed. Never let them get under your skin. But 99.99% of the time everything is fine.
My approach is own it. I'm gonna try and get into those sephora classes and if anyone asks ill say straight up I'm a crossdresser, lets do this. Each minute I'm not living as I choose to express myself is time wasted. Some days I want shorts, beer and football. Today, right now as I type, I'm wearing a LBD with some Sam moon accessories and a great pair of sandals. Get your chin up girl, the world isn't against you. We, the forum gurls, are always with you in spirit.

[heatherdress]

Alice - Don't feel bad about your fears. Shop on-line.

[cheryl reeves]

fear whats fear? what is there to fear? i asked myself this for yrs. then my wife went pyromaniac and burnt down the closet i was hiding in,and standing their without a comfort zone,i didnt have much left to fear. since that day if i want something i can careless what others think..the old saying goes the only thing to fear is fear itself,and i dont spook easy.

[MissTee]

Most of us have those fears during our journey, Alice. Don't be hard on yourself for that. I am a lot more comfortable with buying cosmetics nowadays. I still remember the first time I waded into a CVS and purchased a tube of lipstick. It took me 30 minutes to get up te courage to go to the register with that and check out. Nowadays, I stroll into Ulta or Sephora like I own the place and take my time shopping. The SA's are great, though they likely know.

[Alice K]

flatlander-48,

worried that I would be exposed and embarresed and ridiculed. And angry that I couldn't over come the fear.


I think the problem is that you have preconceived notions about what people are like...If anything, they have been more kind and generous with him than they are with me. Go in the store and try it.

Thank you Jules. My experience shows me that people are cruel to TG folks. I think there may be varying degrees of acceptance depending on where you live,

But maybe my experiences from decades ago are dated everywhere. Or as you said. try it, I won't die.

That is probably where I have to get to in my mind. Thanks for the words of advice.

Alice

[larry]

You are so right. I remember it well and it is always there to some extent. I know cause it happens whenever I buy at J.C.Pennys-Walgreens-_Lane Bryant-Nordstrom-Fred Meyer-Soma-VS. Well I guess you see what I am saying-hehe

[Dannigirl]

As many have said most of us have had that fear. I read a sign once that said "Worry is a waste of imagination". So now I just say that to myself a few times when I am feeling anxious and go for it. Yes, sometimes easier said than done.

[flatlander_48]

worried that I would be exposed and embarresed and ridiculed. And angry that I couldn't over come the fear.

And what would be the consequences of being exposed, embarrased and ridiculed?

Also, the anger is secondary. That is an internal reaction. If you get a grip on the exposed, embarrased and ridiculed part, the anger goes away.

I think there's 2 ways to go about this:

Figure out exactly what the heart of the matter is. This requires some very specific thinking, but you can't begin to fix a problem until you know what it is. As you said "exposed" above for example, might that relate to a specific person? or your family at large? or work? or? So, if it comes down to a specific person, then is the issue their negative reaction, can they do something against you, etc.?

The analogy is that when you go off to fight a battle, you don't just shoot at any and everything indiscriminately. You have to know who you're fighting and why.

The other approach is "Fake It 'til You Make It". Basically you summon ALL of your Wherewithall and go off and Do It even though your pulse is racing, your palms are wet and you can feel sweat running down the middle of your back. Now it might mean just charging into the store first time or lurking outside once or twice, then going in and walking around once or twice, and then finally actually talking to someone. It amounts to getting into the activity before the flight reaction becomes strong enough to force you to leave.

DeeAnn

[bridget thronton]

Most sales people are more than happy to help - i usually just ask for help with foundation colors and the sales people are very helpful

[Adriana Moretti]

yea I think we all been there at one point ( as said)....it does get easier, then..it dosent even matter, and you wont care at all....at first it seems like a big hurdle, but once you get past it, you will see it was all in your head.

To help, I used to pretend I was a makeup artist when I was buying makeup ....now I dont pretend. xoxo

[Dana44]

No fear.... If you go to a cosmetic counter have no fear. When I was a man in a cosmetic counter on a few stores that I went into to look for stuff for my wife at the time. They had no trouble making me up and showing me how it looked. LOL, then I wasn't even trying to use makeup.
Now I do and they still will gleefully show you what you need to buy. Never had any problem.
Same with nail places or hair.
Have no fear.

[donnaS]

Never know how the outcome will be until you try. I want no regrets when I die. If I had only.....

[justmetoo]

I went into one of my local drugstores this morning and browsed through the makeup section, and bought a few items. No worries, no fear. The SA didn't say anything, just rung me up and asked if I had one of their discount cards. Then I was on my way. If your fears are based on "decades ago" times have changed.

[chris63]

I can totally relate. I'm fearful as well. I live in a very conservative area in the heart of the Bible Belt(Nashville).

[Eryn]

To describe the fear. I know it is simple enough. Walk in buy moisturizer or facial soap. The free bag - no problem.

Me: "Thank you. My wife will love this. Oh and the foundation."

Me- "I need to match the area around my eyes because the mottled look around my face is what I am trying to balance out.
Sales clerk - "but why would a gentleman need foundation?
Three other sales clerks standing by: " snicker, snicker, ha, ha.
Hope that was descriptive of the fear. Maybe as mentioned earlier the issue is self-acceptance.

i understand it perfectly, because I was in the same place four years ago. I made contingency plan upon contingency plan. If the salesperson said this, then I would have this justification. It was so entangling that it paralyzed me.

Slowly, I figured it out. The salesperson wants to sell their products. Unless they are incredibly stupid they will not do anything to drive a customer away. They would never question why a man would need foundation, they would more likely think "hey, this person is probably transgender, I hear that they are big spenders." You are unusual, and will be a memorable high point in the salesperson's day. Will you be talked about? Probably, but what is the harm? We all talk about people's various characteristics out of their earshot. It is what people do. No other salesperson is going to stand by snickering as they will incur the wrath of the salesperson whose sale was lost. More likely, they will gather around and help make the sale.

It is correct that the issue is self-acceptance. I'll never be a gorgeous, shapely genetic woman. That goal is unattainable, even to many genetic women! What I am is a person who wishes to express herself in a manner that society considers feminine. That counter exists to serve people like me and once I accept that using it is perfectly natural. I belong there as much (probably more!) as any genetic woman.

The last time I was at a cosmetic counter I did pretty much what you wanted to do. I bought some moisturizer and there was a gift with purchase deal. I was helped by a young man, very well groomed and dressed in black T-shirt and pants, to match the black uniforms of the female salespeople. He initially could not find the moisturizer in their kiosk drawers, so he went to the storeroom. He returned without the product and then remembered another place that it might be. He went there and found two tubes!

When he came back I realized that the moisturizer wasn't quite expensive enough to trigger the gift with purchase deal (clever, those marketers!) so I had to find another item. I went through he lip colors, sampling several to find one that I liked. "I'll get this one" I said, handing the sampler to him. He looked through the drawer and it was out of stock. I gave him my second choice and they had that one!

Then it was on to the gift with purchase. There were several options to choose from so there was more interaction while I selected the items I wanted.

When we were done he took my money, said "Thank you" and we both parted happy.

Oh, I'm 6'2", fiftyish, and shop en femme. Do I get looks? Of course I do. All women get looks. Do I get undue attention? Not very often. I used to be scared to death to interact with anyone, but with experience and practice I now do so all the time. the biggest giveaway that we are TG is not so much our looks, but our demeanor. If you behave like a confident person who belongs in her situation society will most likely accept you as such.

[flatlander_48]

Have no fear.

D:

That isn't quite right. As humans, we ALWAYS have fear. The question is what you do with it and how you manage it. Fear is what keeps us from doing stupid things. You know, those "Hold my beer..." moments. If we didn't have fear, the population would be a lot smaller than it is now.

Many folks tend to think that race car drivers or test pilots or astronauts have no fear. That is patently not true. Clearly they have a higher threshhold than most people, but they have learned to deal with it and how to prepare in such a way as to minimize the fear that they have.

DeeAnn

[suzanne]

I got through my first couple of times with the help of a little mental preparation. You know a sales person will approach you and offer to help. So, in a dress shop, start with "Do you have this dress in size (16, let's say)?" Or in a makeup shop, "Could you show me what color lipstick would work for me? ". Relevant icebreakers. A comfortable conversation will ensue. Just go with it. You will find the sales staff very supportive everywhere you go. The more you go shopping, the easier it gets, and the more your confidence grows. Better luck next time you try!

[Alice K]

the biggest giveaway that we are TG is not so much our looks, but our demeanor. If you behave like a confident person who belongs in her situation society will most likely accept you as such.
Wise words thanks self acceptance and confidence are Moe on the agenda before the next give-away. Thank you Eryn,

Alice