Discouraged

[MonicaMarie]

Normally I don't dress by myself at home, but tonight I thought I would try some new makeup techniques and take pictures in different outfits. After spending about 4 hours doing this, I looked at the pictures and don't like what I see. I have an idea in my mind of how I feel and how I would like to look, but the reality is very depressing. I'm suddenly really down, which isn't a good thing, since I have bipolar disorder. The medication that I take keeps me pretty even, but I haven't felt this down in quite a while, which in my case can be dangerous. I want to pick apart every facial feature, bone structure and bit of belly fat. The reality of my male body does not match what is inside. My makeup skills can be hit or miss, and tonight was a miss. My problem there is that I'm lazy and don't practice enough. I have a ton of makeup, shoes and clothes that will arrive in the mail soon, and I really want to go out dressed soon, but I don't know if I have the confidence right now. My initial thought is to give up, but I know that I will never be happy unless I express this side of me.

Surely some of you have gone through this. Any words of wisdom and/or encouragement?

[Nadine Spirit]

Monica that sucks! Sorry to hear that about your evening.

I am currently quite happy with my look, but it took time. Lots of time. And effort, and energy, and persistence. I believe in try, try, try, and try some more. If something doesn't work, then try something else. I have been through numerous wigs, lots of makeup, lots of different clothes and styles. Generally nothing that I did in the beginning do I still do today. But if I wouldn't have tried what I had in the beginning and then been unhappy, I wouldn't have ended up where I am today.

Photos are also quite difficult to do well. I have literally hundreds, if not thousands, of head shots alone that I have taken over a 5 - 10 year period. Of which I kind of like about ten and really like about two or three. Again, the more I have taken the better I have gotten.

Practice, practice, practice, and you will get better!

Good luck!

[RADER]

Check around, there might be a place near you fro make over help.
We all can't look great every time. I never did get the way to put on
make-up with out looking like a clown.
My wife would do a great job, but I never could get the hang of it.
Rader

[Suzie Petersen]

Monica,

Dont be too hard on yourself :) What we do involves a level of magic! Not the Harry Potter kind of "Poof, there you go!" magic, but the kind of magic that comes from soul and body working together to get to a level of personal happiness. Sometimes it works out, and sometimes it doesn't. When it doesn't, you work on it and next time it will.

Nadine is right, Try, Try and Try again and suddenly it all comes together. And the other thing Nadine is absolutely right about, is photos. More often than not, the photo does not show what we hope for or what we see with our minds eye. I too had thousands of photos, and probably just a handful I liked!

I think these little moment where we look in the mirror and get discouraged are just moments to get past. It is not actually what you see in the mirror that gets you down, it is a combination of things around you and a result of other stuff going on in your life. Sometimes we set ourselves up for disappointment when we expect something great to come from an otherwise kinda' low moment. Maybe tonight your mind was elsewhere! Thinking about something else that isn't going as you want it. You might not even realize what it is.
Could be something as simple as something sad you saw on TV or on the way home from work. Could be because it is raining!
Then, when you look in the mirror after playing with makeup, you see a reflection of your sad mindset, not just the reflection of your girl face!

Tomorrow is a new day! The sun will come out and you will find your self in nothing by smiles :) Try and Try and Try!

Hugs
Suzie

[SharonDenise]

MonicaMarie,
If there is a local professional make-up artist in your area that offers lessons, you might want to try that. If you haven't had a professional make-over yet, I suggest going for one. Hopefully, you will enjoy the experience and outcome and it will give you tips and a goal to strive for. If you do go be sure to take many photos of yourself to capture that image.

[Marcelle]

Hi Monica,

I believe we have all been there because in a way I think we all expect a little bit of magic which will transform our male faces to a woman's. Unfortunately, you have been staring at your guy face for your entire life and even when you put make-up on, it is hard not to see the "guy" behind the "girl". It is like anything else, we always notice our own limitations. The reality is, that while none (well perhaps a minutia percentage) will ever be mistaken for a GG (no makeover is that good) we can get a close approximation and blend quite well unless people come in for a closer look. Practice and confidence are two key ingredients . . . make-up is an art form so practice, practice and more practice then keep on practicing . . . however, eventually you will need to accept that people will read/clock you and have the confidence to own that.

The one thing I would add as you mentioned your bipolar disorder, if dressing is causing more angst above and beyond what your medication is leveled for, I highly recommend that you discuss this with your medical professionals so they are aware of a potential wild card in their dosage recommendation.

Hugs

Isha

[kimdl93]

As stated earlier, of course you need to practice. But you also need to have attainable objectives. It sounds as though you're early in your learning process. Don't expect perfection. Try to enjoy the process and the experience rather than judging yourself on the outcome.

[Kate Simmons]

We are usually our own best critics. Why not post some pics of yourself and see what we think? :)

[Meghan4now]

Isha ' s last bit of advice is REALLY important. You need to put yourself in a good place, and that may or may not include dressing. BP is a cruel mistress.

[MonicaMarie]

Wow, thanks everyone, I do feel better now. I'm inpatient by nature, and even though I've been dressing off and on since I was little, it's only been about five years since I started pursuing it more vigorously and accepting that it will never go away. Expecting too much too soon and then experiencing dissapoimtment when it doesn't happen as quickly as I'd like is a recurring theme in my life. I can see now that is what was going on last night. Again, thank you all for your input. I came here partly for support, and hey, look, it worked!

Isha - I'm not that worried about the depression because it was just a momentary thing. Normally it would go on for weeks and begin to have really bad ramifications for my life. I'm still titraring on a new medicine, which is a really slow process because of potential side effects, so I'm not yet at my target dosage. I do see the head shrink tomorrow and I will mention it, but I don't think it's a big deal.

Kate - I don't want to post last night's pics; in fact, they'll be soon deleted. But some better ones are at my Flickr page (Monica Marie Richards - link in my profile). My makeup in some of the earlier pics, like from 2013 and prior, was done by an ex and is much better. The difference should be obvious.

Now, I'm going to commit to practice, practice, practice and get better!

[bobbimo]

Monica,
I know exactly how you feel.
I work all spring and summer to get my figure where I like it, and then the 'holidays' start, and I'm back to 180Lbs, and I hate it!
Some days my hair looks amazing and other its just crap and nothing helps, And makeup is a whole other drama, eyeliner is my nemesis!
But when things dont work I just become the slovenly male for a few days until I cant stand it... Then anything I do on the femme side is perfect.
Dont let life get you down, It always changes from moment to moment.
Hugs
Bobbi

[Jaylyn]

You got to remember that most GGs have been practicing this makeup thing for all their lives, and probably even had moms that helped them get started. Most of us on here started at different times. Some have developed faster than others in the makeup applying field. My encouragement to you is don't quit keep practicing. Just like playing a stringed instrument it takes time and practice. Also quit being hard on yourself every one of us has flaws that we think we have worse than the next person. We are all in the same boat and every one is different. Would be a dull world if every GG looked the same but they don't and that's what makes them unique in their own way. If you want to express yourself on the CD side then presue it with a passion. Now this bi polar si order I can't help you with but you can and probably know how to handle it to keep from getting depressed.

[Adriana Moretti]

hey monica...consider it a learning experience.....take a look at the photos and see what you like and dont like and try to improve on it.What area needs improvement? What areas do you like? Whatever needs fixing, do some research and learn the proper application techniques and the theory behind it. That is something I have been doing since day one and STILL do. There is also no race to see who can get out the front door the fastest so take the time to get comfortable with yourself, and the look you desire and with THAT will come the confidence you need to have an enjoyable experience outside of the closet. If you want a good laugh at some bad makeup, and some awful wig disasters of mine in the past when I was first learning makeup check out some of these pictures here http://sexycrossdressergurl.blogspot.com/2014/11/my-year-in-crossdressing-pictures-happy.html

We all go thru it, and we are our own worst critics...good luck and dont give up before you start.

[Katey888]

Don't be discouraged Monica... :hugs: like Adriana says, we all have to start somewhere and we're trying to catch up on GGs that have years of practice (and obviously a much better canvas, in most cases..)

I'm inspired to post some of my early disasters in the Beauty section (that's an oxymoron in this case.. ;)) - it really is about practice, being prepared to experiment and it does help if you have a little artistic temperament, which many of us seem to... You can't study enough of the vids on YT, imho... The drag queen ones are perhaps a little OTT, but they are good for techniques that help to cover our male features - in some ways they're more useful than watching a skilled teenager 'gilding a lily' which is all a little too easy.

All of what you've described you can work on, whether it's techniques for makeup or working out and working off a little belly flab - we almost ALL have to do that, so keep telling yourself you CAN and YOU WILL get there! :cheer:

Chin up! Smile - and keep going... :D

Katey x

[Beverley Sims]

I say don't give up, keep experimenting and you will eventually strike a look that you like.

You are probably being over critical of yourself anyway.