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ShayLeigh Dominique
05-26-2015, 05:01 PM
My moments are very small, much smaller than the accomplishments of some others I have read here, but I feel they should still be shared to show those who follow that you must seize your opportunities and successes where you can.

Today was my first day to give ShayLeigh her face; to put on full makeup, a wig, an outfit and just be "me/her" for the day. A female friend from work (who is one of four people, other than my doctor/therapist, who know I question my identity, gender or otherwise) gave me some makeup for my birthday and I have not had sufficient opportunity to experiment with it. Fortunately, I am an information sponge, and research is my watchword. I have hours and hours of background study in the theory of makeup as well as experience with makeup from High School theatre. I took pictures, and sent them to my friend, and she made a recommendation of a "darker lipstick".

This led to First the Second: A foray into the great outdoors Dressed!! There is a Rite Aid drug store a mere block from my house, so at 8:00 AM I walked my pretty skirted butt (mid-calf length, I'm no hoore) over there. I spent 15 minutes or so looking for a new lipstick. and since I was there I got an eyebrow pencil, and a roll-on powder eyeliner in purple (my color palette is currently shades of brown). With my selections, I walk up to the counter to pay... Which leads to:

First the Third: The young lady who was my cashier never batted an eye. Never questioned, looked askance, made comment or e'en gave appearance that she wished to comment. So I pushed my luck. I commented that I hoped the lipstick color would be right, and she proceeded to tell me about the store's makeup return policy with nary a hitch in commentary. Now, to be fair, my natural speaking voice is on the high side of normal for a typical male, and I was pushing it just a touch higher to ensure a more "feminine voice", so maybe this isn't too surprising, but still. I paid and we said our "have a nice days". And I went home.

First the Last: As I was switching back to drab (because the wife doesn't know yet) I noticed I didn't have a makeup specific face cleanser (to ensure it ALL comes off so as not to give away the store), so I did the best I could with what I had at hand, and made my second trip to the drug store for the day. I walked over, walked into the store and lo, who is still on shift? The same young lady who checked me out this morning... I collected what I needed and wanted, and walked up to pay. And again I pushed my luck. Call me stupid, call me whatever, but she helped me feel normal and I felt that deserved a "thank you" of some sort. So, as a boy, I said "Thank you for helping my sister this morning." NO CONNECTION MADE! I reminded her of the lipstick, and she remembered helping me as ShayLeigh, and bought hook, line and sinker and the fishing boat too, my "story" that ShayLeigh was my sister. She commented on my concern regarding the lipstick to which I replied “It looked fine on her, I don’t know what she was concerned about.” I know, I was still feeding her lineand she was still eating it up. As she finalized my sale, she asked if I had a Rite Aid rewards card, to which I replied “no” then as my male self and that morning as my femme self, and again, as she had that morning, she asked if I’d like one. Considering that was the second time in the same day I had been there for makeup supplies, I responded “yeah, sure.” And she told me that because there was a keyfob and card, that both I and my sister could use the rewards card!

Maybe I shouldn’t have repeatedly pushed my luck and just accepted what wins I had already gained, but can you really tell a gambler to walk away from a hot streak?

Lori Kurtz
05-26-2015, 05:10 PM
What a great story! That would be a dream come true for a lot of the girls here.
I'm guessing that your brother is probably going to end up paying for all of your makeup. Lucky girl!

Julie Denier
05-26-2015, 05:39 PM
That's terrific! Thanks for sharing such a great experience ;)

Kandi Robbins
05-26-2015, 05:44 PM
Good for you, thanks for sharing!

Baby steps eventually become bigger and bigger.

pamela7
05-26-2015, 05:45 PM
congratulations, great story, it just gets better!!!

CynthiaD
05-26-2015, 05:48 PM
Congrats ShayLeigh! Sounds like you had a great time.

Pat
05-26-2015, 10:58 PM
Cool! But it sounds like you're going to have to have that talk with your wife soon.... good luck. And, oh, by the way -- your firsts were awesome. ;)

Marcelle
05-27-2015, 03:28 AM
Hi ShayLeigh,

You may think that your day of firsts was minimal compared to some of the adventures recounted here but it I would argue the opposite. It took a lot of courage to just jettison yourself out of the house down to a drugstore, interact, purchase and leave. Well done!!

Hugs

Isha

ShayLeigh Dominique
05-27-2015, 08:29 AM
Thank you everyone! With support like you have provided so far, I'll make it through this morass of confusion into the sunshine of a new day and a complete me... whether it includes CD, TG, TV, TS or not...

Here are before and after pics to help give you perspective on the whole thing... It may not be as impressive as you think...
246052 My Outfit on my "star trek"
246053 A less blurry look at my face and top...
246054 And what the SA saw after... (not the same shirt, but this is my best face pic... Who looks at men's faces anyway?)

Helen_Highwater
05-27-2015, 12:56 PM
Hi ShayLeigh,

You may think that your day of firsts was minimal compared to some of the adventures recounted here but it I would argue the opposite. It took a lot of courage to just jettison yourself out of the house down to a drugstore, interact, purchase and leave. Well done!!

Hugs

Isha

I'll second that. It took me literally decades to get to to the point where I could walk into a shop and interact. What I can understand from my own experiences is the desire to make that second store visit. Being out there is a drug and it can be very addictive. Enjoy the ride.

Claire Cook
05-27-2015, 01:21 PM
Wow ShayLeigh, a red letter day of firsts indeed! Now you can take a deep breath, you did it, indeed you did. Thanks for sharing this. BTW there have been lots of tips on the site about makeup removal -- olive oil, baby oil, and others. But I note Jennie's comment .... you have told others, but not your wife....

ShayLeigh Dominique
05-27-2015, 03:13 PM
Wow ShayLeigh, a red letter day of firsts indeed! Now you can take a deep breath, you did it, indeed you did. Thanks for sharing this. BTW there have been lots of tips on the site about makeup removal -- olive oil, baby oil, and others. But I note Jennie's comment .... you have told others, but not your wife....

Everyone else is expendable... All the other people I told, if I had to, I could walk away from this very second and not lose a step. With the exception of my brother (who is gay and has experience with "trying to be one's own self" and whom I told first) and my mother (because I was pumping her for information about my past from her perspective to see if there were any "tells" that she had noticed). I've told my psychologist (I need her to help me sort this crap out), and a couple of people I work with.

Right now, from where I stand, I'm doing the experimenting/self-exploration that many on this site did over decades while dressing in secret, or testing the waters, or just plain "knowing I'm really a girl (or boy, for those transmen out there)". And I'm doing all in fast-forward, and it scares me more than a little. I will have to tell her, this I know, but I also have to know that this is really a part of me/my identity, because there is no way in Hades/on the gods own green earth/the anal cavity of Satan I will risk losing her over some psychological/psychosomatic fluke.


I'll second that. It took me literally decades to get to to the point where I could walk into a shop and interact. What I can understand from my own experiences is the desire to make that second store visit. Being out there is a drug and it can be very addictive. Enjoy the ride.

I underdressed today... I thought about Dressing and going to the Mall for shopping and stuff, or going anywhere, but I was afraid... Don't applaud me for yesterday, because today... today I was afraid. Either afraid I would do better than yesterday, or that I'd do worse and be savagely beaten for being "not normal", I'm not sure which...

I think I really need to have that talk with the wife very soon... Send me your thoughts/prayers that when it goes, it goes well.

Helen_Highwater
05-27-2015, 07:37 PM
Shayleigh,
I also understand your reticence to go out once again. Self doubt eats at us all at some time. I will guarantee that at some point not all will go swimmingly. Everyone who has been out and about and posted here will have experienced some less than desirable outcomes. Some only minor, some more so. But nothing ventured, nothing gained.

I, as a closet dresser, don't want to be hypocritical. My steps into the muggle world have not been that many but I can live with the restrictions being closeted brings. You seem to be in a different place. Tell or not tell is a judgement call only you can make. I do truly wish you well. If you can achieve that freedom then it will be a wonderful thing. However I would council not letting the pink fog take you down a road that could ultimately rob you of your relationship with you SO unless you know that being Shayleigh is of more importance.

ShayLeigh Dominique
05-28-2015, 07:39 AM
However I would council not letting the pink fog take you down a road that could ultimately rob you of your relationship with you SO unless you know that being Shayleigh is of more importance.

Oh, don't I know it sister... But that is the thing and the whole of the thing... Right now I am in the "state of confusion" which, of course, borders the "state of denial" and the "state of acceptance". Though I could certainly use her support getting "through" this morass, right now that need is not so strong as to be worth losing any support whatsoever. Once I, as Jim Morrison once said, "break on through to the other side" I will have clarity of purpose and self at which point I will either not need to tell her anything because there is nothing to tell, or I will have to tell her everything because it is really not my nature to be dishonest (it isn't dishonest if you really don't know what the truth is.) She will need to be given the opportunity to accept or reject the person I have then resolved to be (hah, multilayer meaning there on "resolve"). At that point, going forward will just be a matter of "going forward", either with her or without...

Hmmm... It seems to me there is an awful lot going on inside that head o'mine... Insights are welcome.


This is certainly one of the most difficult things we face. How many of us have had similar thoughts?

I want to share with her... It's the eternal question of "should I burden her with my issues (that may be resolved soon, it was never really an issue)" or "let me battle my daemons on my own until they are defeated or I need help".

Will this go away on its own? Will the therapy help resolve whatever identity crisis I am experiencing? Will Batman escape the Riddler's fiendishly clever trap? Find out on the next episode...

I would love for her to walk this path with me, to help me define or redefine who and what I am. But she has mild social anxiety, is somewhat conservative in her mindset, and though she joked about dressing me as Wonder Woman to go to a Comicon she backed off when I agreed to do so because "I don't want you looking better than I do..."

Pain has its own beauty, tragedy has its own attraction...

Claire Cook
05-28-2015, 09:34 AM
ShayLeigh,

This is certainly one of the most difficult things we face. How many of us have had similar thoughts? I can only speak for myself, and for me my relationship with my wife was paramount. Admitting to her (and to myself) that I was transgender -- whatever that meant -- was a huge step. How to fit that in with our marriage has taken years of working out, and I'm so fortunate that she has been as understanding (and special) as she has been. After all of this time I'm still developing in terms of my TG -- I guess "gender fluid" is a way of putting it. The only absolute is that I will not transition, and if that is the "other side", that is a side to which I at least won't be crossing. But I speak only for myself; as you know from this site, others have had quite different experiences. This is so much a question of the two individuals involved.

All the best, however that works out.

Claire