Overwhelming fear

[Emma Beth]

Sometimes a road block will come your way like a Mack truck and hit you in the face. Somehow we figure out how to get through these and do what we need to do.

For me, I had a few over the past few months and they just seem to keep coming. So I figured it was time to vent and figure a few thing out here. So, I'm going to apologize if my thoughts in this post are a little unfocused.

First of all, I have to say that today is the day I will tell my wife that I am going to get the help I need regardless of how she feels. The reasons for this step will become a lot more apparent as my venting continues.

With my transfer at work, I had discovered recently that I have had some issues with my insurance at work. I learned that I have been paying for it since the beginning of the year and had none at all. This hurdle has been cleared and now I can begin to look for a therapist that I can talk to about my issues and seek the help that I have been needing for quite some time.

A few days ago, while I was in bed reading, I had some very disturbing suicidal thoughts enter my mind. What made them so disturbing was the fact that they were out of the blue while I was trying to relax before going to sleep. I cried myself to sleep that night with the comfort of my dog laying next to me. He has been such a blessing to me since we took him in.

A few years ago, my Dad was diagnosed with lung cancer and declared in remission by Thanksgiving of the same year. I found out a couple of weeks ago that he was back on chemo again.

Last night I found out from my sister, who my wife and I have been living with since we moved back, that because of the higher dosage of chemo his health isn't that great. So, in about three weeks both my parents will be moving in with us here.

My sister also told me that things were going to get financially tight because my parents were paying the house note and the lot rent here and that we needed to band together to make up for this to keep a roof over all of our heads and food in all of our bellies. Not to mention keeping all the utilities that we depend on.

The fear that I am feeling right now seems a bit over whelming. I'm scared to not get the help I need. I'm scared of all of us ending up on the street. I'm scared of loosing my Dad and seeing first hand the decline of his health. I'm scared of seeing what loosing my Dad will do to my Mom. I'm scared of how far it looks like I will need to go for my own well being.

Yet somehow, I am managing to keep myself together; for the moment anyway. Writing this post seems to be helping me out some. Mostly on an emotional level.

I know we will figure this out. My Family will survive. We are fighters and survivors. But, it can be a bit overwhelming.

Thank you all in advance for taking the time to at least read this.


Liz

[Kaitlyn Michele]

You are "allowed" to get help for yourself!!!! Please don't let anyone tell you differently.

I realize and you realize this will impact lots of people and you are well served to consider their needs, but the fundamental principle is that its YOUR life.

They are not living your unlived life, you are.

Money and health care are real issues you are facing. You can get the help you need and progress to fight gender dysphoria in the short term and nobody else but your wife needs to know about it...

many of us went through this type of period as we struggled, including the suicidal thoughts... this is just another sign you need to make some progress in getting help... I know in my case fighting gender dysphoria felt like a fight for survival, and i too was cursed with thoughts that i don't deserve to do it and about how i was only going to hurt so many people... i got through it...the way i got through it was therapy and then HRT which cleared my mind and led to transition..

your path may be different in every way but it has to start with you getting help!!!

You may not realize it, but if you are deeply suffering with gender dysphoria, the best thing you can do for you family is to get help

[Jorja]

Something for you to think about. How are you going to help anyone if you do not help yourself first? How are you going to help anyone if they find you dead because you didn't help yourself? Get the help you need to control your GD. This will allow you to better help the family.

[Dawn cd]

Life changes, like moving, divorce, job change, illness, etc., put enormous stress on us, and sometimes--as in your case--they happen all at once instead of one at a time. It's going to be rough. It's important that you find a calm place to go to amidst the coming turmoil. It might be exercise, or meditation, or therapy or something else. A place of peace. Beware of taking on big projects yourself while trying to cope with those that are coming your way.

You speak of getting "the help I need." Presumably this is counseling and not medical help. Counseling is good. But I wonder if it's wise to raise the issue of transition with your wife when all this other stuff is happening. It may be enough to tell her you are seeking counseling just in order to cope with all the stuff going on. (Of course what you actually talk about with your counsellor is another matter.) Later, when life quiets down, you can talk about transition with your wife in a calmer atmosphere.

[Badtranny]

Maintenance on the ship is best done in calm waters.

My unsolicited advice would be to deal with your immediate needs first. Even Maslow recognized that there are more important things before Self Actualization.

[kimdl93]

I gotta agree with Melissa. Dealing with financial and health crises is quite enough. You'll be in much better condition to make decisions when this period of turmoil is behind you.

[Emma Beth]

I would like to thank everyone for their advice.

I needed to vent, so I could clear my head.

I am going to wait and see how things are going to end up for all of us financially before I make my appointment with a therapist. About one month should have things settled down enough for me to begin to set up an appointment.

I found out from my sister that my parents are already on partial disability and now that they are no longer able to work that will change to full disability. I know it's not much, but it should help on that front.

My youngest nephew has also agreed to help as much as he can.

Just to reassure everyone, I am not suicidal. I have no real desire to take my own life at all, I have far to much to live for. I have just been having these thoughts that scare the crap out of me on occasion, and I see them for what they are.

With everything that's going on, including a wife that wants to take the out of sight out of mind stance with my issues. Everything just hit me all at the same time rather hard.

As a matter of fact, I got a lot of writing done on Wednesday after I posted and went offline. I find writing very therapeutic and I really enjoy doing it a lot sometimes. Maybe some day I'll get some of my work published. For now it's just a hobby.

[CutieJulie]

Good luck... I wish I had the courage to move on and get help myself.