my path.. my choices..

[Melissa_Rose]

I have not posted or given any real updates on this forum or site in a while. In November, I posted on here asking about counseling. I took the necessary steps to face my issues. I am working still to come to terms with who I really am and struggle at times with the idea of what to be. Since November, I have also started with a regime of medications, and hormones, in an effort to help calm my mind.
The combination of therapy plus medication has had a fairly profound effect on me and I am experiencing the first time in my life where I have anything close to positive thoughts or positive feeling towards myself. I feel there has been a big change in my state of mind and I like it for the most part. I kind of feel the positive response I have had is a lot of validation or verification that yes indeed I needed to do this.
The past few years I had become increasingly aggravated with the transformation process it tool for me to dress and pass. The times dressed were the only times I ever felt I was able to be myself. I wanted to be able to just be myself. I didn't want to have to spend a day to transform to myself.
I am making daily efforts to make my physical self align more with my mental image. I am happy with some changes. I am now at a point where I am increasingly unsatisfied with different aspects of my appearance that had not previously bothered. Not sure if that's normal but it's where I am.
So. This is my official announcement that I am in fact a transsexual. I am in the process of figuring out what I need as a person and what will make me happy.
I have tried my best to include my wife in this and keep her informed. We are still together and seemingly happy. I am well aware I could cross a point where it's too much for her and she snaps.. that's probably my single greatest fear, hurting her.
I thing she understands I didn't choose to be like this. I am just waiting for the day where I am confident she accepts me and isn't just tolerating me.

Just wanted to provide an update to the people here.

Melissa

[Persephone]

Hi Melissa!

Very glad to hear that you feel that you have found your path. Not an easy thing to accomplish!

Looking forward to hearing from you a bit more often!

Hugs,
Persephone.

[Debb]

Melissa,

I am in very much the same situation. Life-long questioning / distress / doubts. I started with my therapist in January (New Year's resolution), been seeing her every week, and will go to the endo for hormones in August. I'm in the process of coming out to family & friends.

I too worry about my wife; right now, she's not talkative about it .. which is normal for her when she's still mulling it all over .. but it sure would be reassuring even to be yelled at sometimes, just to know for sure where she stands.

Congrats on having gotten this far. It's a truly long, arduous journey we're on, but there have been many trailblazers ahead, and I'm glad a forum such as this exists so that we may follow the wisdom along.

[ShayLeigh Dominique]

Congratulations on finding your serenity. I hope your relationship with your wife resolves positively for you both!
I commend your strength and your courage to accept your truth; I only hope I can find my own strength to accept mine, whatever it may be...

[Laura912]

There is a path. Just do not be too surprised at the rocks and briars that pop up.

[Badtranny]

sheesh, I was just texting with another local T-girl this morning about our damn transitions.

We've both had some bumps recently and we were kind of lamenting the suckiness of it all.

I'll say it again. Transition is a hell of a thing, and I'm one of the lucky ones. Pay close attention to the sunshine and rainbows crowd, 9 times out of 10 they are NOT full time.

Be very wary of this path. Very very wary. It's very scary.

...LOL I crack me up.

but seriously, being a tranny is NOT for sissies. Stiffen up kids because you're about to learn what courage really means.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

its really empowering to feel you are coming to terms your identity.

i'm very happy for you because you are getting a reward for your courage and hard work kudos to you!!!

remember that the fantasy woman you've always had in your head is not your friend..you will never ever ever be her... you can only be you...(sounds kinda cliche i know)..... being smart, realistic, patient and unafraid of your own truth are qualities that will help you...

serious steps towards transition will lay you and you loved ones bare in a way that you cannot anticipate... the way to fight that is to be all of the above and prepared for whatever fallout happens...i personally had less fallout than most...i saved up money, my family supported me, my kids grew to accept me and even though we had a nasty divorce my wife quickly fell back to her good nature and realized i was not the scum of the earth and deserving of a slow death and we are now best friends and co parents... i did lose my job but i was financially prepared for that...i worked very hard at preparing and i was very lucky

its a very up and down thing to go through this... remember the ups during the downs and take steps to prepare during the ups...
like i said, kudos!!! its so hugely rewarding to feel like you know yourself but that brings vulnerability to all kinds of things including rash decisions and unrealistic dreams...

you really can live your life in a new way...that's the good news!!! but its really hard... do you have support in your area...people you know that are trans??

[Amanda M]

Melissa Rose. "My life, my choices!" I seem to hear a tagline here "and if you dont like it, tough shit!" However, you go on to say that you would hate to hurt your wife"

How, may I ask, do you think you can accomplish these two almost irreconcileable goals? The only way that that is going to happen - if it ever will - is through open and honest comunication, no matter how scary that may be. That, at least, is some thing you both deserve.

The ladies here who have gone through - or are going through - transition may well be your best resource. Me, I am a plain vanilla crossdresser who will never transition. One of those who was recenty dismissed on here as "a part-timer". That said, through many years of professional practice as a psychotherapist, I have found that if intra-personal problems are to be resolved the two most important things are communication, and a will towards resolution from both parties.

Take care,
Amanda

[Melissa_Rose]

Thank you all for the replies.
I am essentially isolated in that I haven't met any other trans people in my area. This forum is my only outlet as of now. I haven't identified an active local group as of yet. And honestly, I am just now in a place to begin announcing and dealing with this more publicly.
My line of work poses a lot of challenges to me and is the source of lots of stress. I own a business is a smaller community, I am know to everyone. I have considered moving a starting over vs making myself less public in my current setting. I have a lot of choices and decisions to make about how to secure or minimize the financial impact of my choices.
As for my wife, I am optimistic that she will be accepting of me. I do not want to hurt her, and communication is the key. It's uncertain if she or anyone else in my life will ever truly be accepting. If I could only keep one person though. It would be my wife.

I Have had a hard time coming to terms with everything. I didn't really want this. I went to therapy and psychiatrist hoping to be told I was not transsexual. I lived my life trying to hide myself from the world. Now I am Trying to make changes that allow me to just be me..

melissa

[cheryl reeves]

melissa if your going to transition,you better talk to your wife before you take your first hormone pill. you also need to prepare yourself to the fact she might divorce you. my wife is the one who keeps me from going off the deepend,for she knows im ts and she knows i am not going to transition.

[Melissa_Rose]

I began meds and hormones almost 6 months ago. My wife was aware and fully informed. We had about a month discussion before, but once she realized torn apart I really felt and could see examples of my related depression and social issues as a result of my gender dysphoria, It was easy for her to support.
My initial hope and plan for medication and hormones were to easy my mind and find some relief from how I was feeling. I am 100% satisfied with the difference in my state of being and how I feel. I never would have believed it was possible for pills to alter so much of how I view my daily life and how I react in different situations. I believe these medication are truly a life saver. But I did start them before I had any plan or idea as to how to do any transition.
The need for help and medicine for me was a bit rushed it was urgent as I was at the end of my ability to compensate any longer. I hated myself. I hated my body and I hated my situation. My wife was the guiding force in me admitting I needed help.
I was honestly afraid of a diagnosis of transsexual. I was afraid of what it would mean and what it would cause. I have know all of my life I was this way but always managed to act as expected. I was just running out of ability to act or hide any more. Three years ago I began feeling a deep desire to be open and honest with my wife. I suffered thru those consequences and our relationship has actually improved. Since I have been on medication, I believe our relationship has continued to strengthen and we are closer. I know I feel closer to my wife because she is the first person to really know me.
I don't know why something changed 3 years ago and why I couldn't go on hiding my secrets. I had always been able to detract myself but not now not any longer.
I am happy with the changes hormones have cause. I am happy with aspects of my body for the first time in my life. I am taking this one day at a time still. I have a lot left to work out. I am no longer feeling rushed or pressured.. I have taken that first step and I am happier because of it..

Melissa