Misgendering... bah...

[Dianne S]

I had a meeting today with some web developers to talk about redoing our web site. They instantly saw I was trans, but that's fine.

Unfortunately, the three people from my sales and marketing team were constantly misgendering me. :( I know they didn't mean anything by it because people at work have been great, but I found it quite upsetting.

The one good thing is that I did some research to find a good article explaining why misgendering is such a big deal to trans people and I found this excellent piece: http://www.therainbowtimesmass.com/2014/08/06/misgendered-whether-intentional-causes-pain/

[stefan37]

Might as well get used to it. If you are transitioning in place at work and they have known you a long time. You will be misgendered. It may and probably won't be intentional but they'll do it.

I have been full-time at work for close to 2 years. My employees are really accepting and do their best. But they slip up. It's just a fact of transitioning late in life in place.

[Jennifer-GWN]

For me go live is June 26. Close colleagues have been duly informed and will be ready. Some already referring to me 1:1 as Jennifer. Some will have a struggle as we've known each other for many many years... For the most part I'll be ok with the occasional slip. Org wise it will take some time but I'm very visible to the global base. Been working hard to make coming out as much of a just another update process and back to work approach as possible. Nothing to see here... And our over all org is very mature with topic like this.

We'll see how it goes in the end.

Cheers... Jennifer

[Dianne S]

I'm fine with the occasional slip, really. I was more sensitive to these ones because they were in a meeting with people from outside the company. Anyway, when I sent my employees the article, they were pretty understanding and one of them thanked me for giving some insight into how important it is.

[AllieSF]

I agree that it is a problem that probably won't go away very easily, if ever. People are human and humans make mistakes all the time. I mis-gender friends of mine from time to time. I feel terrible when it happens and make special efforts to not do it again, which usually works for a long time, until the next time. Now, in your case in front of clients, your accompanying and participating company employees need to make that special effort at that moment. Sales, inter company and client relations quality are all at stake and risk being damaged. Maybe a smile and a light comment to watch the pronouns before the meeting would be in order to help avoid that. Good luck.

[I Am Paula]

Sure, I've been misgendered, but it occurs to me. At the Catholic School, nobody EVER misgenders me. I'd never really thought about it. From the day I went back to work, it's been Paula.

[PaulaQ]

It takes people a while to really get their minds around this. It generally seems to be harder if the person has a lot invested in the relationship, or they are really hostile and transphobic.

It should get better over time, but it can take a while. If it doesn't, that often suggests a problem. In your case, if I had to guess, I'd guess that since you are the boss, (right?) that they are used to investing an extra bit of respect when they talk to you, and unfortunately, in our culture, that usually means male pronouns. I'd assume it's innocent, anyway.

It really sucks when this happens, I know. My boyfriend's lieutenant constantly misgenders him in front of his officers (my BF is a sergeant), and yeah, for the officers in his command, this is confusing. It's a pretty hostile situation, really. It creates a lot of stress for him. The thing that's so frustrating about it is my BF passed really well for a guy even before T. I knew him back then, and I'd always thought that the hard pronoun usage for him would've been trying to remember, before he came out, to use female pronouns. The really awful part about all this is that his lieutenant, and fellow sergeants who do this crap to him are stickler's for their own police titles to be used properly.

[Jorja]

First, I agree that it can take people some time to adjust to the change. However, you need to call those three in to your office for a meeting. You need to set them straight. If not, they will continue to misgender you each time their mouth opens. I would even make sure they know where the door is if they have a problem with it.

[Rianna Humble]

Might as well get used to it. If you are transitioning in place at work and they have known you a long time. You will be misgendered. It may and probably won't be intentional but they'll do it.

I'm not sure I entirely agree with this. I transitioned in place and work was the area where I had the fewest occurrences of misgendering, certainly nothing like what Dianne relates.

[Dianne S]

Jorja,

I did send an email voicing my displeasure. I'm not yet ready to start ramping up the pressure because I do believe it was inadvertent. However, if it continues I will lay down the law.

[Badtranny]

I recently visited my sister who hasn't seen me since, ...the change.

She knew what I was doing and has seen pictures (facebook ya know) but she hasn't SEEN me since I was her brother. Needless to say she had a hell of a time with the 'he's' and the 'hims'. I totally understand, and I really didn't mind EXCEPT when we were interacting with other people. It's sooooooo embarrassing when you're at a pawn shop buying a guitar or somethin' and the three people standing around doing nothing (pawnshop thing) are totally unaware of the tranny in their midst until my sister busts out with the 'HE' and the 'HIM' like somebody just pulled her string and she won't stop! :-)

anyhoo, I'm 5'11" so that's not real tall, but it's taller and I have recently put on a ton of weight (don't ask) so I'm bigger than average and taller than average so after hearing me referred to as a 'him' ...they look a little closer. Well my voice isn't all that masculine but it isn't all that feminine either so all of these little things that normally go unnoticed start to be noticed. ...and I can feel it. You girls know what I mean, you can just feel the lights come on in their previously dark little minds.

So yeah, it's embarrassing to be under the radar one second, and then instantly glowing like a cold war ICBM on the next.

My sister was really sorry every time she did it, so she eventually just stopped saying anything at all. lol If you can't get the pronouns right, then the next best thing is to just keep it zipped I guess.

[Dianne S]

So yeah, it's embarrassing to be under the radar one second, and then instantly glowing like a cold war ICBM on the next.

:) I love that simile; the imagery is fantastic!

I can generally pass pretty well for casual encounters since I'm only 5'2", 130lb. Beard cover is a slight problem since my hair is #(*&$ resilient and dark hair still shows up even after 14 laser sessions. I'll need electrolysis to zap the last of it.

I won't pass scrutiny in a one-hour meeting, but that's OK as long as everyone maintains the fiction... that keeps everyone comfortable. I'll make it clear to my staff that they will not meet with outside people in my presence unless they get it 100% right. They'll just have to stay extremely alert.

[stefan37]

Good luck with that one. You are just starting out and as well intentioned as they may be. Be prepared for them to inadvertantly out you. I've been full time almost 2 years and they still screw it up occasionally.

Even after you hire new employees, once they know you're trans, it changes things. It is a slow process and you can threaten them and lay down the law. Just be prepared for slip ups. The only way to escape it all is to fire them all, including present clients and hire new staff and new clientele.

[Nigella]

I accept the occasional mis-gender if it is unintentional generally the individual will correct themselves straight away and apologise. I will voice my displeasure at deliberate mis-gendering by colleagues, if that should happen, so far it has always been Joe public.

[PretzelGirl]

For months, they were few and far between except for one guy that would talk to me and always get it right and the minute he focused in another direction, went to he and Steve. Not malicious but plenty annoying. Recently, a lady I get along with great and love went through three meetings with me. Nothing but one he after another and she never did it before. After I put my arm around her and asked how her day was going. Yup, extremely stressed out. I like to call it muscle memory. We get attuned to something and it won't flush out of our brains. Just last week I referred to myself as my wife's husband. There was zero delay before I belted out a loud WTF and my friend was dying laughing. Just talk with them if it isn't intentional. Show love and they will show it back.

[Dianne S]

Sue, yeah. They were honest mistakes. Everyone at work has been super-careful since the meeting and I think they're getting it.

[riancd]

the only ones i hate is where they misgender you and you politely correct them and they ignore you and still misgender you on purpose
that is the one that bothers me

i know my voice is terrible but i figured the boobs the hair and makeup would help with how i want to be gendered, but i guess i was wrong

[Ann Louise]

Dianne, misgendering still hurts me deeply, though I've become very good at covering that over when it actually happens. Some surgeries have seemingly allowed me to pass in many circles, but I still get very wary and apprehensive in closed quarters like a meeting setting whenever there is more than one other person present. That "third-person" pronoun feels lethal. Unfortunately we have to be resilient and keep our spirits up as best as we can, educate, be patient, but aggressively defend our trans-ness when called upon by a particular situation. I've been evolving my thinking on this whole pronoun thing with the ultimate goal of being a proud-and-out transwoman no matter what the situation or who I'm with, but no, I'm not there yet. I don't know if I ever will get there, meantime the "he" and "him" pierce me deeply.