Life getting weird.

[Tracii G]

I have a good male friend that ever since the Bruce Jenner thing broke in the news has gone off the deep end.
He thinks Caitlyn is a joke plus he sends me anti gay/trans emails thinking its humorous.
He even cancelled his Netflix account because they sponsered a gay pride event.
He has never said a mean word to me ever and we do a lot of guy things together. Never even commented on how I dress which isn't normal guy clothes by a long shot.
Never said anything about the fact I keep clear nail polish on my nails.Have both ears pierced and wear hoops or studs with different colors.
Never says anything if I wear a barrette holding my pony tail or a pink hair tie even.
Is he too close to even see the trans signs in me that I put out?
In the 2 years I have been hanging out with this guy and 5 or 6 other guys and one female, I have always dressed this way and nothing out of the ordinary happened and never been called by him a "homofagqueer." (his word not mine).
Anyway Its a really weird position to be in.

[Nadine Spirit]

I agree. I am in a similar circumstance. I think they can't connect "that" to us. To them "that" is something so far removed from thier world that they can'teven see "it" right in front of them.

Truly very weird.

[FeliciaCDSNJ]

I've been in a similar circumstance and the position that we get put in can be quite awkward. Normally, just let it ride and see if their blinders come off because then you can tell if they are true friends or fake ones.

[Tracii G]

Maybe so Nadine.
Felicia thats what I am going to do for now.

[Adriana Moretti]

Thats pretty interesting........they say that people do not understand us because most people dont know a transgender/cd....its amazing how many people DO know a transgender /cd ...they just dont know it. Not that I am saying you should out yourself ....but alot of the ignorance is based on lack of knowledge ...I wonder how they would react if they did know someone so close to them was one of us

[OCCarly]

Since I married my wife 15 years ago I have been living with one foot planted very firmly in the gay community. Her youngest brother is gay, and she has several close friends who are -- which makes for an interesting mix at our parties. I have only had a few incidents so far. Some of my guy friends have not so much shown hostility, as have said, "what's up with that guy?" The guy in question being a makeup artist who looks like an Asian version of Nathan Lane in "The Birdcage," or Hollywood in "Mannequin." And so I usually quietly take them aside and teach a little tolerance.

[Shelly Preston]

Tracii

Could it be he is overcompensating as he my have something to hide. Also he may think its the right thing to do to be see as a rough tough man.

With you he either cant see it or chooses not too.

[Marcelle]

Hi Tracii,

Interesting that he would all of a sudden get all trans/homophobic over one breaking story. Was he always this way or is it a recent behavior? I sometimes wonder if when a person protests so loudly they are in fact hiding something about themselves and all the over the top behavior is just camouflage.

Hugs

Isha

[AllieSF]

Maybe he has other serious issues and this is one way of letting off a little steam. Ask him.

[kimdl93]

Ha gotta wonder what is going on in such a mind. What do they find so troubling? Why invest so much energy in hating someone?

[Katey888]

Is he too close to even see the trans signs in me that I put out?

^^ This, I think Tracii... he probably just sees those as being a bit 'edgy' - but then there is a gulf between Caitlyn and most of us, although being so unaccepting of a transsexual says something about his understanding of any trans* issues or conditions. I guess there are actually a lot of men that feel that way and the whole publicity train around Ms Jenner is catching a lot of air time and bringing these subliminal issues into the foreground.

I'd be the last person to suggest outing oneself, but I'd be tempted to casually bring up some discussion about your overtly feminine aspects and see if he's actually noticed. Keeping quiet in those circumstances would seem really weird... :hugs:

Katey x

[CarlaWestin]

Jeez, I've noticed the same thing. I've had to unfriend a few on Fbook due to the seethingly hateful nonsense they've been compelled to repost. On the other hand, I get posts that are so far left that I wonder what planet these folks are from. It's just another one of those times to ignore everyone for a while.

[I Am Paula]

Last week I went to a car service center I had not been to since my guy days. At first they did not recognize me at all, then they saw my truck, and put two and two together.
We chatted for a moment about the new me. I said 'You must have seen it coming, I used to wear makeup, carry a purse, and keep my nails painted'. 'Nope, never saw it at all, you've always just been Paul, Harry's son in law'. I think short of a dress, and a tiara, people only notice that which they wish to notice.
BTW- They did congratulate me on the way out:)

[Erica Marie]

Tracii I do also believe that he is compensating for something. Either that or in his mind he thinks it is ok and some one he knows went off on him about it and now he thinks he needs to follow suit. Sometimes it is peer pressure. So either he is that backwoods that he cant think outside of plain male/female gender roles, or he needs to grow a pair, get a backbone and stand up for peoples rights.

[suchacutie]

To paraphrase Shakespeare, "...me thinks he protesteth too much..."

[ReineD]

Tracii, you're a musician if I recall.

It's a wild guess, but don't people make allowances for the unconventional way that some musicians (and artists) dress? Some musicians wear makeup, nail polish, have long hair, etc, all while not attempting to present like Caitlyn on the Vanity Fair cover. Maybe he's not connecting the way you dress to Jenner's situation, if he knows you as a male. Have you ever confided in him about your gender identity?

[CONSUELO]

Whatever is motivating his nasty reaction at least you have an insight into his personality. Sounds to me that this person is one to be avoided.

[Dana44]

Traci. wow the way people react to different things. I often wonder about people who get caught up in their views. None of those people are hurting him or bothering him. he is just reacting. I think gone are the live and let live days. I grew up in and area that had the term. Don't bother me and I won't bother you. He just may be feeling sissy about himself and over shows his manhood in this way.

[Stephanie47]

My wife and I have a friend, who is married to one of the most bigoted people I know. Now, he is not overly bigoted, but, the most bigoted I know. He always has to say something negative about anyone who is not like himself. If we did not have a relationship with his wife, we'd never have anything to do with him. Over the years I've seen people flip flop on a relationship, when there is a "reveal." The world is full of a@@holes.

Traci, you need to tell this a@@hole to just knock it off!

[Adriana Moretti]

Hi Tracii,

I sometimes wonder if when a person protests so loudly they are in fact hiding something about themselves and all the over the top behavior is just camouflage.

Hugs

Isha

I have to agree....I also get a kick out of reading all the hatefull comments on some of the news articles on the subject....you can see just HOW uneducated people are by saying we are mentally ill, and they get in these x and y chromosone discussions they know nothing about. The comment that really urked me was one in an article about a TG getting pushed on to the train tracks here in NYC...the comment was " Oh...NOW we have to hear about this too".....no honey THIS has been going on, YOU are just learning about our hardships now !!.....another comment was.." Why dont they go back into a closet" ......Really???? Hide a group of people? Shut them out & Pretend they dont exist because YOU dont agree or understand???

[LucyNewport]

The Caitlyn Jenner thing has really brought out the homo/trans phobes to be sure. What your friend is doing seems over the top even for that though. Of all the reasons to ditch Netflix - Pride sponsorship is what does it?

People are funny like that. They can get all wrapped up in an abstract ideology, rail against this group or the other, and not even notice it when their friends represent what they say they are against. Or maybe he just makes an exception for you because he knows you, and you don't pose a threat to his worldview. Or maybe this dude is just overcompensating for something :)

[Tracii G]

Maybe he is overcompensating? I really don't think so.
He is a very intelligent person and we do agree on political issues. He is a Constitutionalist/conservative very much like I am.
He is a devout Hebrew and we discuss religion quite frequently but its always very nice and he is not pushy about it so the discussions are always fun and entertaining.
Reine you may have a good point because all my friends know I play and work as a roadie/guitar tech.Maybe they see the way I dress as "edgy" so they accept that.
When conversations about gay people come up with this group of friends nothing mean or hateful is said and some even have family/friends that are gay and they accept that too.
I guess I should just play it by ear and not rock the boat too much.Maybe do a little reverse psychology on him.

[STACY B]

I tell ya ,, This whole Jenner thing with all the folks comparing Jenner to Military Hero's an putting stuff on facebook an just commenting about it an generally freaking about the whole thing seems really strange to me? Almost like the ones pointing it out are hidding something? Maybe it's just me ? But Tracy girl you know as good as I do that Trans stuff can be hid REAL DEEP so don't discount your Home boy. lol .
I just think Ye who yells the loudest has the most to hide, So it's just my Two cents,, But I got enough problems myself. That's why I don't sweat the small stuff! :D :D :D

[Gillian Gigs]

There are people out there that would not see the baseball bat until it hits them up the side of the head. Maybe your friend is having a more difficult time ignoring your taste in clothes since the Caitlyn story splashed across the news.

[kimdl93]

I tell ya ,, This whole Jenner thing with all the folks comparing Jenner to Military Hero's an putting stuff on facebook an just commenting about it an generally freaking about the whole thing seems really strange to me? Almost like the ones pointing it out are hidding something? Maybe it's just me ? But Tracy girl you know as good as I do that Trans stuff can be hid REAL DEEP so don't discount your Home boy. lol .
I just think Ye who yells the loudest has the most to hide, So it's just my Two cents,, But I got enough problems myself. That's why I don't sweat the small stuff! :D :D :D


That 'real' bravery thing falls in the category of a straw man logical fallacy. That guy wanted us to assume that bravery takes only one form,and that was participation in combat. Of course, we know that bravery takes all sorts of forms...children facing a horrible illness, people coping with disabilities, Gandhi and Martin Luther King, and yes, even Caitlyn Jenner. the person offering this straw man reduced bravery to one thing.

[Allisa]

Tracii since I work in construction I'm exposed to some of the most hateful remarks about anything dealing with trans issues and people. I too wear polish both clear and opaque white with top coat and both ears with studs and sometimes very small hoops, long hair pulled back but no comments about my looks always clean shaved face and hands and arms but no one seems to pick up on any signs. Maybe they don't want to believe any of us could be so close to them in their everyday world. I tend to avoid any conversation with these people and just walk away when the subject goes in that direction.

[Dianne S]

Have you challenged him? Have you told him you find his anti-gay and anti-trans emails hateful and pathetic rather than funny?

If not... then why not?

I get upset when people let hateful things like this slide and really upset when L,G,B, or T people let it slide. Enough; we have to stop it.

[flatlander_48]

T:

To me, a tell-tale sign that always worries me is when a response is 'way out of proportion to the stimulus. Doesn't make any difference if it is an over response or an under response, and this is really odd in that he has under responded to you but over responded to everything else. I'd say be prepared to step back with the stuff finally blows up...

DeeAnn

[TrishaTX]

Here is my take, you can't change the world in a day. I work in financial services and people's fears lead them to make fun or tease....that is their business. I believe you hold the line on who you are and over time people change. Again, if everyone was the same the world would not work...so we have the intolerant and many other groups, but in the end just be you!

[Dianne S]

Here is my take, you can't change the world in a day.

If nobody challenges transphobia, homophobia, racism, sexism, etc. then the world will not change in a billion days. It's one thing for CDs to be closeted... I get that and don't expect everyone to out themselves just to prove a point. But I don't think it's right to stay silent in the face of hatred.

To paraphrase an old saying: We are not required to complete the task. But neither may we refrain from beginning it.

[Jean 103]

My boss would sometimes says things about gay people and others for that matter that isn’t bashing but would still make you think, you can't say that. The things he says and way he talks is a bit colorful. I have known him since we were kids and know him to be a good person. Since I came out to him I haven't heard him make any such comments. He is who he is and still has a colorful way of talking. We are still on good terms just like before.
Love Jean

[Tracii G]

We talked on the phone today and everything was normal.
I do speak up when he or most anyone I know makes hateful remarks about trans and gay people so I'm not silent by any means.
When he said the Netflix/ Pride thing I said well that is just stupid. He said They won't get my money if they sponsor things like that.
I didn't argue that point because its his money.
I don't want to push my beliefs on him because its not right IMO. If I can educate with out being confrontational thats a better way to handle it.

[sometimes_miss]

I think part of it may be 'if I ignore it, it will go away' and another part, behaving as others expect us to. There's a lot of people out there susceptible to 'mob behavior'; you see it in all kinds of situations, best exemplified by the recent riots and looting in the news of late. Most of the time the vast majority of these people aren't behaving as criminals. But they get caught up in the frenzy and do really bad things. how may of us, when growing up, have ever done something with someone else that we would never have considered when alone? And have our parents tell us that one of our acquaintences were 'a bad influence' on us? I know I did. Your friend probably has been influenced by certain others to feel that ' as a REAL man, you must poke fun at homosexuals', and of course anyone who even vaguely resembles one, in order to make sure that no one would ever think that YOU might be one. It's not unusual at all.

As far as the jokes? Some are funny. Some are based on stereotypes that are based in some truth. Do they accurately portray all of us? Probably not. A quick one that pokes fun at part of my ancestry? A German man, at a comedy show, says what a wonderful performance it is, and wonders to the comedian why they don't have such comedy in Germany. The response? 'Because you killed all of the funny ones'. I don't know quiet where I was going with that. But if your friend isn't going on the offense agains you, he probably has mixed feelings about it, and just doesn't know how to handle things yet; he's dealing with knowing that someone he likes is something that he's supposed to NOT like, and doesn't know quite how to deal with it in discussion yet.

[Nyla F]

It could be binary thinking.
Maybe your friend thinks all trans people present fully as their preferred gender. It's a lot easier to believe this than to try to understand the many variations.
My wife once told me I wasn't transgender, I was just a crossdresser. Again, binary thinking.

[Rhonda Jean]

I think he does notice all the things about you that you detailed. He just talks behind your back.

As far as challenging him goes, I think Tracii challenges him all the time without saying a word or being confrontational. She rolls her hair, wears nail polish, earrings, etc.. That's challenging in itself, in my opinion.

[geek]

Did he idolize Bruce "the olympic athlete" Jenner? It could be that a pillar of his young life just seemingly crumbled away as far as he sees it. If so, that might be what triggered this bout of anti-trans sentiment.

[Tracii G]

Today my friend and I went and had lunch.
We talked about the usual stuff for the most part.
Nothing out of the ordinary.
He seems to be back to normal LOL

[Sarah Doepner]

This sounds like one of the 93% of Americans who don't "Know" anyone transgender. It's amazing how invisible we can be.

[Tracii G]

It is funny sometimes how we as trans folk can see one a mile away and regular folks can't.
The city I live in has a pretty decent sized trans population that are very visible in all parts of town.
Maybe people here are just used to us these days.

[Dianne S]

It's amazing how invisible we can be.

Well... a lot of us try to be invisible. It's a bit of a paradox. I do my level best not to be read in public and I'm usually fairly successful at it. On the other hand, I'm not shy about saying I'm trans and becoming activist when the situation warrants.

[Tracii G]

I'm surprised anyone can't see trans when they look at me.
Honestly all the signs are there.
Maybe my friend is an idiot LOLOL

[Sharon B.]

In my opinion if Jenner wasn't making a mockery out of it by having a reality show and making money off of it. people might try and understand. That's just my opinion like everything else everybody has their own beliefs.

[Tracii G]

Maybe CJ is of the mind if she does a reality show it will help the cause.
You can't expect her to do the show for free can you?
Will I watch the show probably not.

[Teresa]

Traci,
I guess something about the Jenner story brushed him up the wrong way, either he just vented on a genuine dislike of that lifestyle or it touched a nerve and he has something to hide ! Could be that he accepts you as a friend the way you are but couldn't handle it if you go down the transition road !
Whatever it is, he has a problem not you he may now open up and tell you once he's got over his venting !

[Tracii G]

Teresa who knows for sure?
I'm not going to worry about it or push him into explaining himself.
Maybe in time I can educate him without him realizing it or at least reduce his homophobia a bit.

[TrishaTX]

If nobody challenges transphobia, homophobia, racism, sexism, etc. then the world will not change in a billion days. It's one thing for CDs to be closeted... I get that and don't expect everyone to out themselves just to prove a point. But I don't think it's right to stay silent in the face of hatred.

To paraphrase an old saying: We are not required to complete the task. But neither may we refrain from beginning it.

I understand but patience is truly a virtue....sometimes doing things slowly is much better than shoving it down someone's throat. I truly believe had MLK not been assented this country would be much further along in race relations....just my thoughts

[ReluctantDebutant]

Tarcii, this isn't really that odd. I find a lot of people have one opinion about a "group" that is much different than a person they know who is a member of that group. The "group" is often seen as some negative stereotype view from a great distance with all the details being missed. While the person is seen more up close and with all the multiple facets that make up the person and that make them different from the one-sided stereotype. they can't see the individual as part of the group and they can't really think of the group as being made up of individuals. which in the end isn't that bad because people usually meet and befriend individuals rather then whole groups.

[flatlander_48]

I understand but patience is truly a virtue....sometimes doing things slowly is much better than shoving it down someone's throat. I truly believe had MLK not been assented this country would be much further along in race relations....just my thoughts

But there was always the text that said:

If NOT Here, Then WHERE?
If NOT Now, Then WHEN?

Note that we are talking about behaviors and NOT changing anyone's mind. If you don't get the behaviors right, then you have nothing...

DeeAnn

[Dianne S]

sometimes doing things slowly is much better than shoving it down someone's throat.

Doing things slowly, maybe. But not doing things at all? That helps no-one.

Also, why are we afraid to confront these sorts of attitudes? You don't have to be Black to fight anti-Black racism. You don't have to be Jewish to fight antisemitism. So why then are people afraid they'll be outed if they fight homophobia or transphobia? There are plenty of straight, cisgender people who are staunch allies to the LGBT community and are completely secure in their sexuality and gender identity.

[Tracii G]

Within this group of friends the subject of gay and trans people has come up from time to time and they have heard me mention I have gay and trans friends so its no secret.
It never comes to point of bashing gays or transgender as a group.
Most have said they don't care what they do its a free country.
This one guy is a bit more vocal about his opinion and he has a problem with getting his head around the idea of transgender.To him its a black and white thing guys are guys girls are girls and why would a guy even want to change sexes.
I have mentioned well some people are in between and in that grey area between black and white.
He said well you are just more tolerant than I am then.
One of the other guys said jokingly to him so you're not going to the PRIDE parade?
He just laughed and said hell no.
I'll keep working on him.LOL

[Jacqueline85]

I think a lot of these very bigoted people think that there is something seriously 'wrong' with people like Jenner. But being a friend, they know us and know that there is nothing 'wrong' with us in that way. So then their mind will ignore the tell-take signs in us because, despite hair, nails, accessories and whatever, we don't fit the major part of their erroneous preconception.

[Tracii G]

That makes perfect sense Jacqueline.