Fearful of going out? Here's why you should't be.

[Jenniferathome]

I was out last night with a friend and of course it was an enjoyable time and nothing happened. If I was in guy mode, the result would have been exactly the same. But I had some observations I thought I'd pass on to the fearful and newbies (even you lurkers).

1) Leaving the house, apartment, condo, whatever. Here's the secret. Ready....? Open the door and walk out. Yep, that's it. I realized I didn't even think when I opened my door last night. Maybe that's the real secret. Don't think. When I stay in San Jose, I have no garage. My parking spot is a short walk from my front door. I left in broad daylight, people were about, I passed several walking to my car. No reactions.

2) Driving. I was meeting a friend and drove about 30 miles. I was on residential streets, highways and stop and go traffic. No one is looking at anyone. I noticed that beyond my peripheral vision, I was too busy driving to look at anyone really. Even in the stop an go traffic, I barely noticed more than shoulders and heads. I think I was virtually invisible.

3) Parking. Parked ont he street and in a garage. Broad daylight still. Hundreds of people on the streets. I made the typical, minimal eye contact one makes with strangers on the street and I noticed nothing unusual.

4) In the bar. Walking in to the first stop of the night, a bar that seats perhaps 100 people, it was 70% full. My friend and I walk in and unlike the saloon scenes in old westerns where everything comes to a stop, nothing happened. Did anyone notice us? YES! I do not pass as a woman beyond a fast glance but people's eyes naturally rise to see a new person entering and just as naturally, the eyes moved back to their friends. The reactions would have been the same if I was in guy mode. We sat at the bar, got a drink and shortly thereafter a group a three men sat next to us. There were other seats available. We were just people who happen to be cross dressers, not just cross dressers.

5) In the restaurant. Our second stop was for dinner. Again, we walked past groups of people on the street, in daylight, entered the restaurant and nothing happened. We were welcomed by the hostess, and sat. We ordered, chatted and a received our meals. Just like normal people. Shortly thereafter men and women sat to the left and right of us. These same people engaged us in conversation asking about what we ordered, sharing what they like and the guy to my left recommend a dessert he particularly liked. He and I chatted about his new job, living in the city, just basic chit-chat. And HE started the ball rolling with the conversation. I was just a person. He recognized I was presenting as a woman and appropriately used all the proper pronouns and terms to reflect that he was speaking to a female. The place was packed and I never felt stared at.

So, if there is one piece of advice I can offer to help you get out, it's this: stop thinking. You are your own worst enemy.

Or, put another way, be in guy mode in your head. The normals are not out to get you. Now, I'll add that you should not give anyone a reason to fear you. Dress like a drag queen and you will not get the same friendly banter. Over the top never flies in the real world. Dress appropriately for the venue and you will be welcomed by the other patrons.

This is how I went out. I paired it with a red sweater to cover my arms and farmer tan. The pop of color looked good.

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=246703&stc=1http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=246704&stc=1

[Nadine Spirit]

You are so right! The secret is not passing so well that no one knows you are a guy, it is in understanding that everyone knows you are a guy and no one cares.

While I know that bad things happen, it is the exception rather than the rule. In ten years of going out, I have yet to be in a bad situation. I know that violence happens to those of us in the TG community and I keep a lookout for it to occur and yet it has never materialized. I have attempted to look up the statistics, a difficult thing to do well, and from what I have been able to gather the group that suffers from the most assaults is..... men. And yet none of us say how dangerous it is to go out dressed as a man now do we?

Btw... Nice outfit!

[Meghan4now]

That's very encouraging advice Jennifer. I think attitude is the biggest portion of your experience. Also appropriate presentation is important. That takes skill and practice.

I would like to point out, however, you often claim to not pass. Based on what I've seen from your post, you are dang close. I would expect that you probably pass with some folks. Additionally, I would point out that you are fairly attractive, enough so that even if you are read, there is likely a more positive response. People treat attractive and neat individuals with more respect in general.

"Hey that was a dude"
"yeah, but dang did you see IT'S legs!? Just saying"
"Whoa I didn't know you went that way"
"I don't but just sayin"
"Yeah maybee... want me to introduce you?"
"F*** You man"

[I Am Paula]

Passing? Not nessasary. People near you are doing one of three things. They-
See a woman, big deal
See a transwoman, big deal
Are looking at their phones

They're a little like dogs. We give them too much credit.

[Kristy 56]

Jenn,I think they were all busy looking at your legs ! All good points you've made,thanks for sharing:)

[jenni_xx]

You are so right! The secret is not passing so well that no one knows you are a guy, it is in understanding that everyone knows you are a guy and no one cares.

Great comment!


While I know that bad things happen, it is the exception rather than the rule. In ten years of going out, I have yet to be in a bad situation. I know that violence happens to those of us in the TG community and I keep a lookout for it to occur and yet it has never materialized. I have attempted to look up the statistics, a difficult thing to do well, and from what I have been able to gather the group that suffers from the most assaults is..... men. And yet none of us say how dangerous it is to go out dressed as a man now do we?


Only in terms of numbers, but yes, it is true!

[Dana44]

Jennifer, you look nice. Yeah, I think it is in our minds. Yet, one always needs to be careful, right. Men are attacked the most by other men. But a girl should be able to protect themselves and stay away from trouble. Seemed you had a typical great evening and yes don't over think it.

[docrobbysherry]

I'm NOT fearful of going out, Jenn. I've had a couple chilling experience and learned to be careful.

However, since I can never pass? I find going out dressed to be stressful. As opposed to dressing in private. Where I'm free to celebrate Sherry any way I like without a care!

I'm NOT afraid of going out dressed. I just prefer NOT TO!:battingeyelashes:

[jigna]

Your legs are very attractive.
II am wondering, how did you manage to remove hairs.
I have been using epilator for many years to remove every traces of hairs, however this hardly happens that I could remove all of it.
I do not prefer shaving, since the newly grown hairs are hard and irritating.
Kindly share your experience and provide guidelines.

[justmetoo]

Great points, Jennifer! I'm pretty sure you present as a pleasant and confident person, which I believe helps a lot in going out and in interacting with the general public. The experiences you describe fit well with mine and many others I've read here and elsewhere.

[Jamie Christopher]

Great read Jennifer, and I agree; people are so busy doing their own thing they just won't see as much as one would think they would.


Jamie

[Kandi Robbins]

Well said, and I would tend to agree on every point you made.

I will say, however, it doesn't hurt to look like you do Jenn. You are very attractive and that certainly helps!

If I could add my two cents, the most important point in my mind that you made is to dress appropriately for your age and your surroundings. The best advice possible.

Thanks for the advice!

[FoxxxyBri]

I went out for the first time at night about a year ago and for the first time in the day time around last November. And you're right...nobody notices or cares. I think the more I do it the more I will get weird looks or laughter but I think it's worth it in the end...

[Allisa]

Right on point Jennifer, I believe we over think everything but one more reason... it's fun.

[Donnagirl]

Well put Jen and so true. It does take awhile to gain that level of confidence but once you have it, well....

I'll also add it helps to look good, and have that smile of yours.

[Maxi]

I have been out twice now, and found people are nicer to me as a CD, than in guy mode. I have been told I can be intimidating as a guy. I am the aggressive go getter who gets things done. When dressed I tend to relax and enjoy life. Jennifer you look great, and your right, we over think it. I know if I open my mouth, people know I'm a guy, and I will be the first to tell you, Yes I'm a guy, and still I have gotten compliments.
Getting caught by my neighbor was probably the best thing that could have happened. I got out of the pink fog, and caught the pink wave. Wow, what a ride.

[LucyNewport]

Sound advice, all of it! I find that the most important thing is confidence. If you believe in yourself and look generally happy, it is infectious. Passers by will let things slide more if you carry yourself like you know what you are doing. What is that saying? "Fake it till you make it"?

[Ineke Vashon]

Well said, Jennifer. Even so, to some of us, that first step seems to be the size of the Grand Canyon. I have not taken that step yet. If I were to dress my age I would have to dress up and wig up like my late grandmother, bless her heart, and that ain't gonna happen.

A pro-makeover is in the planning, however. And that might just be the bridge across that big ditch.

Ineke

[antonyio]

246714you are so right,it took me months to just go outside,then I slowly went out in the city where no-one knows me,now after 9months just went out in the little town I live in where everyone knows everyone and yes people looked but not one had a bad thing to say,so yeh what are we scared of,people today don't care who you are

[bimini1]

That is a great read. The last time I went out I had the exact same experience. I mean I could have written down what you said damn near word for word. I only realized this when I looked back on it. At the time it was happening in real time for some reason (my mind) it was still nerve-rattling as hell. But the fact I was en femme was such a non issue it scared me that I was being lulled into a false sense of security.
Not unlike a basketball player that is so wide open when he took the shot or attempted the dunk it scared him into missing the shot lol.

[Diversity]

Thanks for sharing your comments Jennifer. While I would not be able to pass as a female, I must say you certainly do and as an attractive one at that. Anyways, thank you again, as your comments lead to encouragement. Much appreciated.
Di

[Jean 103]

That is true. Nobody or almost nobody cares. I go out a lot, while I have gotten some different reactions I have never been treated badly. Well there was this ----- in Vegas that pushed me off onto a coworker instead of ringing up my stuff on the cash register she was standing in front of, doing nothing and had to move so this nice guy could ring up my new brushes at the MAC store, but I don’t hold the fact that she is a ------ against her. I love my brushes. Anyway the other night at the bar one of my girlfriends asked if I would walk her to her car out back. I think the bouncer was out front. It is well lit and there are cameras. She as well as I am over 6’ in heels, yes I told her I love her shoes that her 12 year old daughter picked out for her. My point is if you feel you need help ask. I walked her to her car a really nonevent, but she felt better.
Love Jean

[Jenniferathome]

...Btw... Nice outfit!

Thank you fashion Yoda!


...

"Hey that was a dude"
"yeah, but dang did you see IT'S legs!? Just saying"
"Whoa I didn't know you went that way"
"I don't but just sayin"
"Yeah maybee... want me to introduce you?"
"F*** You man"

LOL


...I'm NOT afraid of going out dressed. I just prefer NOT TO!:battingeyelashes:

and that's fine. it a choice you make as opposed to thinking you can't!



II am wondering, how did you manage to remove hairs.
Kindly share your experience and provide guidelines.

Hi Jigna and welcome to the forum. I shave every day with a three blade razor. No magic to it. But it is everyday.


...I think the more I do it the more I will get weird looks or laughter but I think it's worth it in the end...

Bri, I think it will be the opposite. Your confidence will prevent weird looks. Really. If you don't care, no one else will.


... but one more reason... it's fun.

Absolutely Allisa! It is just fun.


... Even so, to some of us, that first step seems to be the size of the Grand Canyon. ...

I felt exactly the same and that's the rub, it's not the Grand Canyon. Stop thinking. Maybe meditation is the answer;-) I do not go out frequently. Maybe 10 to 15 times a year at most. I simply stopped thinking about "being out" and am just "out." No difference from guy mode, well... some differences ;-)


... But the fact I was en femme was such a non issue it scared me that I was being lulled into a false sense of security...

It's not false. The feeling you had bimini, is Nirvana for a cross dresser. Well done!

[Tracii G]

Very well stated Jennifer if you act normal people tend to go with the flow.
Today for me was pretty much like your story.
Went and played miniature golf with two friends of mine One is a GG and the other is her partner who is a MtF in transition.
Myself being a mix in between naturally in 50/50 mode, girls jeans and top hair in a ponytail blue earrings to match my blue toenails and sandals.
We played golf and enjoyed ourselves just as all the others around us.
We chatted and laughed when we missed shots with the other couples playing before us and behind us nobody seemed to be bothered by us at all and we all had a good time.
When we started the first hole the father and his family in front of us gave me a snide look so I just smiled and let it go.
After a few holes and him enjoying time with his family we were of no concern to him.
The thing is just be yourself smile have fun and be respectful to others around you thats the best way to represent.

[MonctonGirl]

Thanks for this post - it's motivational.
The first time I went out and was truly in public ( a mall ) I was with a young woman who did my makeup & hair expertly, so I felt good about my appearance and if anyone "made" me, she was there to offset any fear in the minds of other women ( eg in the washroom ) and act as a hedge against any confrontations from males.

My first time out alone, having done my own makeup, and obviously not the best job, I was dressed normally, acted normally, had my walk & movement down pat - but still was "made" by a male and a female ( both separately ) as soon as I stepped into the mall - so I turned around and left. lol

If I looked like you it would be much easier. :) But I did learn from the experience and it will be better next time! (Can hardly wait! )

[Robin414]

Thank you Jennifer! This is truly inspirational!!!

[Marcelle]

Hi Jenn,

Very true in that for the most part people are so busy with their own lives they take little time to look around and truly scrutinize people and unless something glaringly jumps out are unlikely to give anyone a second glance in a crowded venue. Naturally "confidence" is big thing and that is not just the confidence to go out but confidence in yourself and as others have said, the confidence to accept your own limitations. In my case, I blend but the "kid ain't pretty" and I never survive first contact. However in the end "the kid doesn't care" if people see a guy in women's clothing, for at that moment I am a woman (in my mind) and that is all that counts.

The one bit of advice missing is "preparedness". Specifically, it is easy for those of us who are day walkers to say "just do it and all will be well". However, unless you are ready and have a relatively thick skin your first time out can go well or it could go bad. If nobody bats an eye it goes well but that is not always the case. As first timers to the Vanilla world, we tend to be hypervigiliant in that we scrutinize every glance, every whisper and every laugh. It may or may not have been directed at us but ones perception is ones reality. If you are not prepared to accept that some may be rude (real or perceived) it can send you scurrying back home with your tail between your legs setting you back ten-fold on your journey. So, you truly need to be ready for this and you will know in your heart of hearts when it is time.

While there are lots of high five, sunshine and lollipop stories out there about day walking or for that matter night walking, do play safe. Don't launch yourself out to a venue where you know trouble could occur and always have an exit plan should things go bad. Some cities, towns, venues are very TG friendly others . . . not so much. Just because one poster can walk into a bar in a city at night with no issues (have done so myself) does not mean you will meet with the same results. Know the venue and know the people who frequent it. In my line of work we always say "time spent on recce is seldom wasted". The reality of life is that in 99.9% of your outings you will have no issues but there is that .01% which you always need to keep in the back of your mind where things can go very bad and that will give you a healthy sense of caution . . . I am not trying to scare anyone, just providing a sense of caution which we all need even if your out and about dressed "en boy".

Hugs

Isha

[donnalee]

Great advice, Isha.
Always read the street, Know who's around you and what they are doing and whether it makes sense; particularly whats going on behind you. One of the best techniques is to move illogically and see if you're followed. Stop to adjust something (always with as many people and as much light as possible). Do this particularly in unfamiliar areas when you can't avoid them altogether. If something looks out of place or unusual, find some people and stay with them, indoors if possible. There are predators about.

[Claire Cook]

Hi Jennifer,

Many thanks for this! As much as I've been out and about I've been having withdrawal symptoms --- it's been two weeks! Your post is just the kick in the tush I've needed -- and I'm sure it will help others as well. And Isha and Donnalee, thanks for the sound advice. Not having been brought up as women, we often don't think of the dangers that women (GG or TG) can face in that not always vanilla world.

[kimdl93]

Excellent advice on how to survive and prosper in the real world!

[Crystal Beth]

How true! The first time I went out I was nervous and scared as hell but then thought "when WON'T I be nervous and scared?" After I got out my front door the rest was just SO easy for me! I have never had a more liberating moment in my life

[sometimes_miss]

<snip>So, if there is one piece of advice I can offer to help you get out, it's this: stop thinking. <snip>

That's a good way to get yourself hurt, or even killed. Any college girl can tell you that you have to be aware of potential dangerous threats. All it takes is one homophobic idiot, with a little hate in his head. Think. Be careful.

[Jenniferathome]

Lexi, I clearly did not indicate to stop being a normal person. Stop thinking was obviously meant to stop beating yourself up before getting out the door. Bad things can happen to anyone, that's the cost of being a resident on the planet earth these days.

[ReluctantDebutant]

Jennifer, this is some great advice. When I used to go out the only hard step was the first. It doesn't matter how you look for the most part the general population doesn't care how others present themselves. To further add encouragement I will share this: I never learned make-up and there were times I wanted to go out and didn't have money for a make over. I'd go out neck down en femme, clothes shoes hip padding, breast forms, and from the neck up me buzz cut and scraggly beard. Few people looked and no one seemed to care. I stopped going out out of boredom and not out of fear or bad experiences. Just go out if you want don't let fear hold you back.

[DanielleLee]

Jennifer, while I agree with you that we have a tendency to overthink at times... I do think Lexi raised a valid point. The fact of the matter is that life isn't always a rose garden. There are folks out there that would seek to do us harm. People need to use common sense when and where they go out, along with the clothing they wear. Additionally for many of us... it's not a matter of lacking courage to go out. It may be because of "boundaries" set with a SO, or as fathers and husbands we don't want to risk being detected and then have our loved ones experience negative repercussions of our actions. Wives harassed, kids bullied... (E.g. The Sins of the Father)

To clarify, I don't want you to think I disagree with you on your post. For those wanting to get out; or for those who've made the decision to go out, but are still struggling... I think you you've provided some really positive feedback. The majority of the time a CDer is seen out and about, it is not going to be a big deal. People are too wrapped up in themselves and whatever they have going on.