Cats kept me from ending it all, last night.

[Alice Torn]

Big trouble with my sister lately. As depressed as I have ever been yesterday. No one to talk to anywhere in this cliquish, unfriendly town. Almost got in fight at a gas station,, nothing but negatives piling up . I decided to write out a suicide letter, and instructions on what to do with my things,and cats. Was planning on doing it today. But, i woke up with both my cats on me, purring, and looking at me caringly. I decided to put it off.

[Shelly Preston]

Alice if your thinking like this, your seriously need to call the professionals.

I am sure they will provide the support you need

What you had planned is not the answer. You are worth more than that :hugs:

[Katey888]

Cats are great, aren't they Alice...? :)

Companion animals of any sort are important to us and we to them.... here's my little boy, cute as a button and on my pillow where he shouldn't be!

246893

Alice, we've all got problems in addition to this condition or nature we share - I know your issues are compounded by where you live and your family, I'd be trying everything to move away from them, even to go live in a hippy commune or whatever ranks as alternate lifestyles nowadays... but think of your cats - they do need you and while a lot of it might be cupboard love (my cat loves his food) their love is often more unconditional than that which humans give us... :hugs:

Chin up! Keep Calm & Carry On! Find a little of that frontier spirit you folk have always had... :)

Katey x

[Maria 60]

I know people don't think so but life is a gift and we must treasure our gift of life. Especially if your healthy then that's even a bigger gift. Take a big breath and only think positive, only the things that make you happy, never give up that's the easiest thing you can do. I think you are much more then that, if your still getting thoughts like that you should talk to someone and if there's nobody we are here. From now on I only what to hear about positive things in your life.

[Samantha Clark]

Alice, I've suffered from depression too and no amount of cheeriness from anyone can penetrate it. There is help in the form of meds or therapy or both. I urge you to get in to your doctor right away and talk about this. Don't put it off.

Oh, and cats do help a lot but meds help more.

[jigna]

Behind a thousands of darkness, there is one hidden ray of light, which you will find soon, you will shine and remember all our community members.

[mechamoose]

Hello Alice,

I don't know you, but I'm glad you are still here. Cats, for all their aloofness, really can tell when there is something wrong and will give you love. You are part of their Pride, the leader of it in fact, and they will get all squishy over you.

I have often heard quoted "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem", which I have mostly believed. Then I read some interesting counters to that : Suicide Prevention News and Comment/ (https://suicidepreventioncommunity.wordpress.com/2010/03/05/please-stop-saying-suicide-is-a-permanent-solution/)


The problem a suicidal person is trying to solve, according to Shneidman, is how to escape from psychache, which Shneidman defines as “intolerable emotion, unbearable pain, unacceptable anguish … [that] cannot be abated by means that were previously successful” (emphasis added). In other words, from the point of view of someone who is earnestly considering killing himself or herself, the pain from which suicide would provide escape is not temporary.

I have lost beautiful, intelligent friends to suicide. They felt trapped, and just wanted it to stop. Just like someone being deliberately tortured would do just about anything to make it stop. The difference here perhaps, is that it isn't deliberate. This isn't happening to you on purpose.

To me, if you are THAT distraught, you need to get assistance. You have gone through the tools and options that you know about. You need someone to throw you a line to help you get out of this pit, to help you find a way to make things not feel 'permanent'.

One of the biggest things that I believe people forget is the idea that someone else always knows something that I don't. I'm an alcoholic, and until I started with talking with other people who were fighting it rather than the people who were trying to help be but DIDN'T have those experiences, I was coming up empty.

Reach out please. There are other answers, and there are people who can help guide you out of this hole. You just have not cried out in pain to the proper people.

<3

- MM

[Alice Torn]

Thanks everyone who replied. i appreciate it. Yes, Moose, the pain and anguish i was feeling, is indescribable . Every now and then, i fall into such a deep crevasse, on a steep mountain emotionally, and mentally, that putting myself to deep sleep seems the final solution, to the anguish. I have had a number of friends end it all. My first, and one of only a few girlfriends, did it at age 21, in severe mental anguish. Also had a few guy friends do it, after a divorce, one, this year. I don't like to say it, but just positive thinking is not enough, when in such a deep pit. It is good. Today, i am feeling a bit better, but i have struggles with this all my life. I am hoping to go to a 12 step meeting Sunday, then to my VA woman therapist Monday morning. I have been on Lithium for over 20 years for bipolar, and various anti depressants. There are times, when the pills don't work. I have read books, daily meditations, and prayed to go to sleep, or be healed. Still struggling with the dressing guilt and shame, family "curses", having a deep male grief, of being an unwanted, low income, losermale , with secret crossdressing problem. I know that when i finally go to sleep , the dressing, and other issues will stop. Since i started having troubles with my sister who is six yrs older than me, I have been turned off about wearing my lady stuff, foweeks no dressup, at all, thinking of purging it all.

[Marcelle]

Alice,

Pets love unconditionally in that they never ask anything of us or judge us. I am glad your two kitties gave you a bit of a wake-up call. As difficult as things can get, ending things is not the answer. Please seek out someone you can talk to.

Hugs

Isha

[RADER]

Alice:
Purging is a very bad word, Try to box it all up and put in a storage place, Attic, or Basement.
Now about other topics; Yes My Cat (Clyde) would send the night next to me all the time.
I lost him last March, He was 18 and Diabetic, the Vet said it was his time.
But you have to live on; Yes Sisters can be a problem, sometimes you just have to forget
all about them. Mine has been a thorn in my side for over 10 years now, I just do not listen
to her anymore.
You said that you are going to a VA Doctor; If you where in Viet-Nam, your depression
might be caused by Agent Orange.
The VA is treating me for it, Maybe it would be worth looking into it.
Hugs
Rader

[mechamoose]

Hi Alice,

What your reply tells me is that you have been trying a bunch of things, but you are still in that hole. You probably need to make some major change in life situation, counselling, companionship, medication or some combination of those.

Don't keep doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Try to find another path, another route. Don't be afraid to be an advocate for yourself, because where you right now all you *can* be caring about it yourself. Don't worry about friends, don't worry about 'duty'. None of those things matter if you are not there anymore. If you have already dropped consideration for those other things, then go the REST of the way on the selfish route and figure out what will make you feel safe and happy. Those other people will actually appreciate that you did that, honest.

Hunker down in your fort for sure, but then figure out how you can no longer feel under attack. Everybody on this board will empathize on wanting to feel safe. You are 100% justified in wanting that.

I applaud all the steps you have been taking. I have issues with 12-step myself, but only because I can't give up self determination (Step 3).

Besides 'not working', what do you think is missing from those things you have tried? Not logically, but emotionally? I believe that if this were all dealt with through cold logic, you could find 100 ways out. Such as root changes to yourself, your identity, cutting family ties, moving far away, starting a fresh, new life. Therefore (I think) it is all about emotion, acceptance and fulfillment.

What space isn't being filled? Identify that, and you will have the basis for a good roadmap out of this situation.

Please keep yourself safe. I do not feel that any person is valueless. I don't feel that any problem is unsolvable, depending on how far you are willing to change.

A trap is only a puzzle you have not figured out how to solve.

<3

- MM

[Samantha Clark]

Alice

If your current medication isn't working then I urge you to get in to see your doctor right away and advocate for yourself. They need to hear loud and clear that your current meds aren't doing the job.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Alice dear, I'm glad you're still here, and I hope you will stay with us for a long long time.

Your sister, not so much.

Hugs, Nikki

[CynthiaD]

Alice:

I echo what others have said. Get professional help. NOW. You're right. Positive thinking isn't going to help. There are lots of different meds, and nothing works for everybody. You and your doctor need to find something that works for you.

I'm old. I've lost a lot of friends. I hate losing friends. I don't want to lose you.

[Robin777]

I also echo what others have said. Get to see a professional now. If you cannot afford it, there are agencies that will direct you to someone that is of low cost or free. I have had episodes with depression when I was young and had professional counseling that was provided through the governmental agencies. I don't know if it was low cost,I believe it was as my family wasn't that wealthy growing up.

there is a national suicide prevention hotline and website.

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

[ReineD]

Alice, everyone gave you wonderful advice. I just want to say that I'm glad you decided to stay with us. I would miss you if you were not here. :hugs:

[giuseppina]

Alice,

Please book an urgent appointment with your doctor. NOW.

I've been where you are now and for similar reasons, from what I've seen of your posts. Clinical depression can be beaten.

Suicide is a permanent solution for a temporary problem.

[Nadya]

Hi Alice,

As you can see here, people you may not know care for you. A lot of us go through depression, shame and guilt over this. It might be a cliche but you aren't alone and there's a lot of people here that want you to stick around. It sounds like you've been through therapy and medication before, sometimes it takes a while to find the right combination to help you feel better. It's hard to think this way but I think what we do is a positive thing and to not pursue it and end it prematurely would be a waste of a truly wonderful thing. <3

[jaleecd]

Alice,
God dont make junk, and you are not junk, to be thrown out as trash. Depression has been defined as anger turned inward. We are angry at our selves because we feel that we failed in life. In my 12 step program, thay said that 90+ of the inmpacts we have on others lives is hidden from us, as God uses us in ways We will never be aware of. You might try to find an A>C>O>A meting. they are a twelve step program for suvivors of acholic familys. it helped me to see where a lot of my stinkin' thinkin came from. and the lies I held as truths about who I thought I was. Life is a gift to hold on to at all costs.

[docrobbysherry]

I wanted to post a catty reply to your thread. But, just couldn't do it. U r too valuable of a contributor here and I would miss u!

Its one thing to have appointments and quite another to admit to having suicidal thots. So please be sure that u do. That's the only way they can help u, Alice!

[Sarah-RT]

Alice I am sorry that you felt so low and I am glad that you are still here. Mental health is no laughing matter and is just as important as your physical well being. I suffered depression a few years ago and came close to ending it too, the worst part I found was that nobody else can pull you out of it, though they try. What I mean by that is that I felt uninterested in the support offered, I still felt bad and they couldn't help, I also had no motivation to seek professional help. The only thing you can do is get help for yourself and while friends and family seem like they cannot pierce the veil just know they are trying.

If you would like to talk further about your situation as I've found strangers are easier to open up to then please send a PM, talking is the first step!

Take care of yourself,
Sarah x

[JessMe]

Alice, I'm very sorry to hear about your troubles, and extremely happy that you didn't go through with it! Whether it be a pet, a group of people on a forum, or friends and family you MATTER to someone, and you should matter to yourself just as much.
The fact that you are discussing this with people speaks well for you and I hope you can get the help you need to sort out your thoughts and problems on the road to recovery. There is a certain unfair and unjustified stigma that people tend to place on mental health which stops many from discussing things until it's too late, but if you talk to people privately, you find that most have had an issue or two in the past. If you feel bad, you go to the doctor and get well... it's really that simple and there's no shame in it.
Get well, Alice, and be kind to yourself.

[Claire Cook]

Dear Alice,

By all means listen to your cats and your many friends here. Please please talk to your doctor!

Hugs, Claire

[Di]

Alice please listen to everyone's great advice here. I am very glad you are with us.Your cats showed you how much you mean to them and we are too.:hugs:

[Samantha Smith]

The cats are right alice:)

[Tracii G]

Alice I for one have read your posts for several years and what you are going thru is truly heartbreaking at times.
Your posts here always make me think and reflect on my life as well.
Your cats love you and we do too.

[flatlander_48]

A T:

Sorry to hear that things are not going well at present. To me, the fact that your circumstances are unique in a number of ways only adds to the richness of this community. We're not all the same and therefore our challenges and experiences are not the same. So, what that means is that we have an opportunity to get varied perspectives on what is going on around us. I have always appreciated difference and what it has to tell me. It allows us the unique ability to see beyond our own lives. I have to tell you that while I have not always agreed with you, I do thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts and perspectives. It is how we learn and how we progress.

DeeAnn

[Alice Torn]

I am feeling absolutely cursed, and this whole family is a closed, fusion, extremely bizarro lie! Parents who were against their kids dating, and marrying. Dad jealous of the sons he fathered, but never wanted. Smothering mother, who would not let her kids go. Sister, the firstborn, very spoiled who was taught to believe boys and men were nasty, sex was evil, , then got dystonia, a very rare disease. parents took her to new York, for two brain operations, that helped one problem, but caused severe speech impediment. I am grieved that , since i left Seattle to move to this very unfriendly, closed area, i have not had a date, in over five years, no guy friends. I just about got into a vbad scene five minutes ago, with a guy. I recognized the lady on the computer next to me, from talking to her, walking her cute dog, and said how is your pooch?. I did not know the guy on her other side was her boyfriend, and he did not like it. They switched places, and he is definitely guarding her from me? Can you believe it??? America is becoming an insane asylum!!! I did nothing threatening to her. Just asked her how her pooch was, and that i have two cats, and they get threatened!!! That is the story of my life!! No girlfriends, other than an aquaintance in Tacoma Was, who is in the church i used to attend. She is not the nicest person, either.. Being only around the toxic fusion family is not healthy. I stay away most of the time, but they know where i live, and pass my place often, to go the the store. if i had the money, i would move a bit further away. I cannot afford to move anywhere now, though. To me, family = hell on earth. I believe my whole family has severe denial, and emotional, mental illness, bitterness and rage inside. I hope the next world is not like this cruel one.

Thanks again to all of you. Jalle, Yes, i have been to ACOA 12 step meetings, back around 1985, started, and went for ten yrs around Seattle, but being forced to move back to the toxic family in 2010, there are no meetings around, this small town area, except an AA meeting, which i will try to get to Sunday. Sadly, it is Father's Day again. These holidays are HELL for me! My toxic father is in his 95the year now, denial personified, never said he was sorry about anything. My sister thinks she is withoput faults too. I always struggle to find a card for Father's Day. He never wanted me, and resente having to support me. He treated my sister like royalty, though. My sister said i am holding grudges, and not forgiving. If i had not forgiven them, i would not have been willing to sacrifice everything for the second time, to move back to help him, after my older twin brothers were arrested. In 2011, one brother was released. if i had know that would happen, i would not have sacrificed everything to move back to help. Father's Day, Mother's Day, and birthdays are very difficult for me. I cannot sign, "love". I sign, Sincerely. I have had a number of suicidal episodes especially the last three years. I bought some lithium oratate, and it seems to help a little, but having connection with others occasionally helps, most. I know i am damaged severely, and i have trouble with friendships, and any relationships. Too self centere, in a sick way. It is so hard to always be helping others, when i am a sick loner. I will try to get to the 12 step AA meeting, and my VA therapist. It could be i need to be in the hospital a while, but then, no one to care for my cats. My family are all against recovery, and are in 150% denial, think they are good. My sister may need care, soon, but i sure as heck am not going to be her boyfriend, or roommate! She has the money to get assisted care, i think. I wrote her a letter, that she and i need friends outside of the family. She thinks i am the less smart baby of the family yet. SORRY! I am rambling on so much. I I need to talk at the 12 step meeting. Moose, 12 steps sometimes bother me, too, in that we are all different. I know that if i go out in this small town area all dolled up, a crowd with clubs and pitchforks may show up, or possible vandalism. bad area for dressing. I need to get help , and become stable before i go out, anyway.

[char GG]

Alice, I am so sorry about the situation you are in. I wish I could offer some words of wisdom but all I can say is that I hope you are able to make a plan to move away from the people who are so unpleasant to you and find happiness in a new place.

Cats are very good judge of character, they love you and need you as much as you love and need them.

Best of luck to you.

[heatherdress]

Alice - Thank you for sharing your feelings and your situation. You do know you need help and that help is available for you. Please see your VA therapist ASAP. There is a terrific hotline for immediate help 1-800-273-8255. Please consider calling. They help Veterans like us and there is always someone there for you.

Let us know how you are doing because you can help others, too. I am asking you to be my friend in this forum and I hope you accept.

[Heather_Shirly]

Plain and simple.... NOTHING IS WORTH HURTING OR ENDING YOURSELF>

If you feel alone reach out to someone to talk to. Seek professional help but please.... remember NOTHING I WORTH hurting yourself.

[JenniferR771]

I always appreciate your posts, Alice. Intelligent--at times very insightful. Sorry you are in a sad place. I am sure your cats love and need you. I think they need a back rub and a special treat today.
Now get out there and go shopping. A new spring outfit will probably pick up your spirits. I am looking forward to some photos.
Lots of people have nutty families. Thank God for the good times and forget about the bad times--you can't change the past--only the future.

[Rachael Leigh]

Alice life is tough no matter what your circumstances and it can be more difficult for some more than others, but life is a gift and I hope you find it somehow to try and move on. You have had a tough life it sounds but the world is better with you than without you
Hugs Leigh

[giuseppina]

Alice, please stop the lithium NOW. I don't know if it is the form used for bipolar disorder, but lithium is toxic in high enough doses. Self medication is dangerous to your health.

Please book an appointment with your doctor on Monday.

Given your remarks, I doubt you will inherit anything significant from your aged father.

[Teresa]

Alice,
Sadly we can only write kind words but I hope you can take great comfort from them you know we all feel for you as most of your circumstances are known to us .
I value my dog highly and it's so good your cats used that uncanny sense animals have of knowing when something is going to happen and react in the way they did !

I'm just going to pick up on something MM said about suicide, not all are premeditated , mine almost happened like a switch going over, yes I was desperate after coming out to my wife, but it was an instant moment of seeing a truck speeding up to me on a junction and my foot sliding from the brake to accelerator to drive myself under it ! It that split second a voice almost shouted in my ear, " You selfish b******* how is that truck driver going to live with your death !" I plan not to go down that road again , life is too precious !

Alice I hope you don't mind an ironical story of a guy who tried to gas himself by putting his head in an oven supplied with natural gas, obviously it didn't work so he sat back in the chair and not thinking lit a cigarette ! He achieved his goal but not the way he intended !

[Sarah V]

Ms. Alice, I don't know if this will help any, but the VA has a suicide prevention hotline also. Here is the info: http://www.veteranscrisisline.net/ or phone 1-800-273-8255 (press 1,) the VA even does live on-line chats for this too. I would encourage you to call it and speak with someone, esp. if you are more comfortable in talking with folks from the VA. Hope this helps.

[Sarah Beth]

Alice,

I don't know you and can't imagine how difficult things have been for you in your life and continue to be. Just take the advice that is being given here about consulting with professionals and calling a hotline when you feel you just can't handle it anymore. I don't know you but I would be sad to here of you passing because you are on of the family from here.

I live in Kansas, not sure how close I am to you but if you want a friend to email or maybe call or something just to unload to you can pm me. I know how difficult it can be to not have someone to just vent to.

[SometimesJen]

Alice, I'm sorry you have such a challenging home life. It says good things about you that you gave of yourself to care for your father when your family didn't. Remember to care about yourself too; you're definitely worth it!

Several years ago I was also severely depressed, unemployed for over a year, didn't speak to my friends or family for several months, and was ready to give up and end everything. I finally realized that we don't need to rely on anyone for our happiness but ourselves. I began doing something each day that made me feel good. It was small things at first - taking out the trash, watering my plants, washing the dishes, smiling and wishing a stranger "have a good day", watching a butterfly on a pretty flower. I *chose* to be happy about each one. These small joys grew - the plants grew bigger and greener, my whole apartment was clean for the first time in a year, and I made new friends. This gave me the confidence I needed for job interviews, eventually leading to an even better job. It wasn't always easy, but I learned to let things that bothered me just slide off and focus on what I needed to make my life better, and it did get better!

I'm so glad you listened to your cats, reached out to us, and are doing things to get better. Sarah posted info for the VA helpline, put it in your phonebook, keep it handy, and don't be afraid to use it. Talk openly with your therapist. Tell them what you've been considering and what you're doing to help yourself. They have other resources that can help. Also tell your therapist about the lithium. While it does wonders for some people, it's not for everybody. Let your doctor help find the best thing for you. Btw, if you want to explore more natural sources for it, beans are a good source of lithium, not to mention fiber. A girl has to keep regular, you know! ;-)

We may have never met in person, but there are a lot of people here who care about you and are glad to listen. As Pink Floyd says, "just keep talking".

[kimdl93]

Alice, do seek professional help. As part of that help begin making plans to leave your family behind and begin a new life away from their toxic waste.

[Alice Torn]

Computer ran out of time here at the library. Trying again, Thanks again, all ot you who replied, and for your concern. I made it t an AA meeting, yesterday. It was all married women, and one married guy, but that is fine. I just is a bit difficult being a 61 yr old lonely lifetime bachelor, being around women, and they are all married! Hoping to go to 2 12 step meetings a wee. Missed my VA therapist appointment today, because the car would not start. Finally got it going, but too late. Going Friday. I have been in 12 step groups, emotionl/mental health recovery, since 1985, mainly around Seattle. Now, in small town Illinois, where everyone is married, or redneckish, it seems close to an old bachelor. A lot of my problem, is being blocked all my life from having an SO. My first female friend ended her life, at 21. My sister is 66, never had a relationship. Brother in prison does not. Brother out of prison now, does not. A patter, and that makes me feel my family has curses. I did buy some cherries, and a funny Father's Day card, and went to see my dad for a little while. I have to forgive him, and my family, but also not be around them too much. I also have t learn to be good to myself, with out beint too self centered. I am very self centered, and it ranks on people. I apologize to you people for being so damned self centered. I am happy to say, that my brother in prison is going to in prison AA meetings now. He wrote me a letter, and for the first time was not mean, and critical. It will not be smooth for me, with my emotional ills, , paranoya, and schizophrania, and i cannot grantee i will not hit deep bottom again. I t really is one minute at a time. It has been very hard for me, in the work world , at times, with these struggles. I know you all, and every honest human being has trouble , and struggles, not all the same, though. Some people have occasional trails, and tribulations. Some of us, all moments are a battle. I know quite a few TG, and TS, have terrific struggles, and some have ended it all. I am only cdTg, and have not been out much. My troubles strted long before i put on a dress. When another minute of anguish seems like too much, and the mental pain is so great, a person can go all the way, and end it all, and it as very hard to see any reason to keep going in the agony. I have been ther many times, but Thursday evening was the lowesat low ever for me, seeing no way our, wrote my suiced note, and wrote down instructions on what to do with my body, and stuff. I had a thing i was going to end my cat's lives with, but the big gray one was playing with the thing. Prayed also, but decided no, I cannot put them to sleep, and must be there for them, even if no woman ever wants me. Thanks fro hearing me, letting me share. Best to all of you.

[Trishpdxcd2]

Alice,

It sounds like you are seeing a professional who is prescribing meds. I hope you will be insistent on having them adjust your meds. Lithium sometimes stops working, I saw this in my mother who was fine for 20 years then went back into a deep depression. I am sure there are difficult things in your life, but your body chemistry may be leading you towards an avoidable outcome. Please insist that your medical provider help you by trying other medications.

[Alice Torn]

Trish, I hear you. I take a lot of vitamins and minerals, and they help me a lot. I have heard for several radio doc, that lithium carbonate, is not good for us. Lithium orotate is better for the body, i have heard and read. I think i will asked to be taken off lithium carbonate, and hopefully not get on a worse med.

I received a PM from a person, on here, who was quite angry with me, for writing this thread. I am sorry this has made someone angry, and i apologize if this tread caused hurt. I was simply fighting for my existance when i wrote it. Please forbear me, and i hope you, who are offended will find healthy outlets for your angst, too. ONE DAY AT A TIME IN A CRAZY TIME.

[Barbara Black]

Alice, I share your lifetime of depression, although not for any diagnosed cause. But as many times as I thought about suicide, I have never attempted it because I always have this deep down feeling that there is always something I will miss that is positive and enjoyable, no matter how much crap floats by in the meantime. I hope you clutch this floating straw and keep it with you in the worse times. There is always something good ahead.