Caught...sort of

[dandy]

For quite a while now, I've been mulling over the idea of coming out with my crossdressing. I think it's gotten to the point that I'm actively taking risks that I never would have before. Today, one of those risks jumped out and bit me.

I have a home office, and the window is right next to my front door. This morning, I decided to dress, but conservatively. A simple top that if you didn't look closely could pass as a regular t-shirt, slacks, and heels, and some pearls on my ears. No makeup, no wig, just sort of drab-light. My girlfriend walked up and decided to surprise me, and leaped in front of the window, scaring me half to death.

Now, like I said, I've contemplated coming out into the open, but she's definitely said things that dissuaded me from doing so in the past. So, I shrieked and ran off into my bathroom and did a quick change into gym clothes that I had in there and spent a few minutes calming down. I swear, I felt chest pains and had a hard time catching my breath. She didn't say anything after, other than to check if I was all right; I'm not sure she saw anything because I moved like lightning and she was too busy cackling at her prank, and the window into my office isn't exactly a panoramic view.

Honestly, it's strange. I've never felt sillier about dressing. How silly it was to be so terrified of being discovered, compounded by how silly I felt when I looked in the mirror and stripped out of what suddenly looked like a chintzy Halloween costume as opposed to clothes I've been accepting more and more as symbols of identity. I felt downright diminutive, and I still do.

[Amy Fakley]

Is embarrassing, getting caught.

Even if we logically know that it's no big deal ... some of us (maybe most) have lived with this as our deepest, most dreaded secret our entire lives. Being caught, even by someone accepting feels to me, like stripping naked, and walking down the street flying a banner that announces every awful thing you've ever done to the world.

It is a horrible, horrible feeling. Maybe that's a function of some deeper self acceptance that's not yet been achieved ... I dunno.

But I get what you're saying, because getting caught feels exactly like that to me.

You might want to rethink "getting caught on purpose". Not that I have a ton of experience in the matter ... bit I've purposely revealed myself once, it was nerve shredding, but over all a very positive experience. I've also been caught once, and while the long term fallout has been positive as well ... I'd rather not ever go through that experience again as long as I live.

[kimdl93]

Probably it's better to come out in a planned way rather than by accident...

[Badwolf]

See getting caught doing anything you didn't intend to tell them is always like laying yourself bare. The other person may feel deceived, you have to depend on their understanding and trust not to let it get out even farther etc. It's like getting seen naked. There shouldn't be anything wrong with it but it still feels awkward.

These are the types of things that "coming out of the closet" liberates people from. When a community goes this way, there is a lot less problems because the support structures sort of exist. Either way the benefits exist. I'm not sure you're "getting caught on purpose", but the fantasy (and yes it's normally a fantasy), is that it will be fast and painless, and accepting. Because you didn't know it was coming you'll be less nervous and feel it a bit less, kind of like a nurse who doesn't tell you when the shot is coming or a few other examples.

Sometimes you might live the fantasy, sometimes you might not. In real life be willing to live with the consequences.

[Teresa]

Dandy,
I'm trying to to get to the point where being caught doesn't matter, having your heart in your mouth wears a bit thin after a while !

The funniest one I had was when I was working in my upstairs workroom dressed in a skirt blouse and heels but no makeup or wig when my sister-in-law called from the kitchen to find some one ! I called back that I'd be down in a minute , and suggested that she make a coffee . Somehow I had to get down the stairs and sneak passed the kitchen door to get to my darkroom where I'd left my drab clothes, doing that in heels wasn't easy but I managed to after nearly leaving my forms in as I stayed underdressed !

[Pat]

If you have the sort of girlfriend who leaps at windows, she's probably already adventurous enough to deal with you. ;) What you had was panic. Panic made you see yourself as pathetic in the aftermath of being startled. Adrenaline totally changes your perception of the world around you and it also messes with your memory of events. That's why people who have scary events happen often have a much different story to tell than the people who witnessed it. Don't let the memory of that interfere with you if you can help it. But it might be time to come out at least to the girlfriend. If she's a surpriser she's going to surprise you again....

[Badwolf]

Jennie, you are right that panic was a huge factor in the reaction, but I think you misunderstood a small detail. The girlfriend knows and is convincing her not to let OTHERS know for now. The problem with this front facing window is people who just decide to "pop by".

It's a concern I actually have as well since my home office is in a similar situation, but I actually spend time working in the living room area which has been a good way to avoid the problem short term.

[Pat]

Ah. I guess I got confused by "I'm not sure she saw anything because I moved like lightning..." That made it sound to me like she wasn't aware of the crossdressing.

[dandy]

I'm not sure I'm clear on what's being said, either; she doesn't know, or at the very least I've never told her and she's never expressed that she knows.

[Hell on Heels]

Hell-o Dandy
Odds are that she doesn't know, or she would have asked about what she may have seen.
Years ago I had a similar close call, not a peek through a window, but a key rattling in the door lock! And yes I moved light lightning!!!
I felt the same exact feelings that you mentioned. I had no plans of a reveal, but those feelings weren't going away.
An immediate purge was put into action. Everything was gone, my desire to dress as well.
A few thoughts of dressing came,and went, over the next 20 years. I guess the important thing to note here is that desire to dress didn't ever completely go away.
Ive since made a major comeback with my dressing, been caught, and had to explain everything.
It was difficult, but it's made those silly, and diminutive feelings fade away.
I'm not saying that coming out is the right thing for you,
I'm more concerned about those feelings your experiencing.
It can be hard to accept that we are crossdressers, but that's us!
Much Love,
Kristyn