View Full Version : The urge never ends
mishmam32
06-23-2015, 06:53 PM
So, as usual the binge and purge or my closet life is in full swing and I find myself wanting to dress more. Since coming out to my wife several years ago I've kept and full beard and really kept my full dressing almost obsolete, but like a pressure cooker the urges just keep getting greater and greater. What scares me a little is that when I finally left the confines of my home and joined a local support group (attending once) I found that my dressing was very advanced, make-up, hair, clothes, even shoes were stylish and I felt natural. Since then I've struggled to let that moment return. I fear there's a monster that could wreck a lot of good things I have going on. I struggle with the balance of feeding my urges and living a pretty good life. When I came out to my wife several years ago she feared I would "become gay" now with the whole Caitlyn thing I fear she might be thinking I want to be a woman.... I love dressing and feel natural, but I love my wife and kids more. I know a lot of people share my situation in life, so I would love to know how you deal. I'm still pretty young and so is my family, the struggle is real.
Angie G
06-23-2015, 07:53 PM
I dress in something about 60 or 70% of the hours in a weeks time. I have no thought of changing my sex or being gay. My wife knows who I an and we are both happy where we are.:hugs:
Angie
Badwolf
06-23-2015, 08:00 PM
The struggle is real, Purges ALMOST never help. Restraint may help parts of your family life.
I think you do need to see a therapist though. I notice a clear lack of definition of what YOU think you are, and I think that's something you need to figure out before you can ask for advice here. If you are definitely a Transexual of some kind, the eventual potential resolutions for your "urges" will be a completely different situation than if you just like to crossdress. Most people here are focused on their story and may give you advice that is more about their life than yours, and if you don't have what YOU are at least defined enough to tell us you can end up getting yourself into trouble. Most people try to be conscious of what they say in these situations but it's hard.
And remember you don't have to have it clear to ask for specific issues, or to express yourself here or find support. You will find it here. I almost feel like I'm being harsh but I really feel like your struggling with shame, under a delicate situation with a lot of people's emotions involved, and I'm giving you advice that I think will help you.
As for the purges thing at the beginning, I see it over and over again and my biggest issue with the "purge" habit is that it is a pure waste of perfectly good clothes. Out of site & mind stuff can help reduce urges temporarily, but in the long run if you have what most of us do, then purging is just throwing money and effort finding good items literally into the trash (unless you donate which is somewhat better at least).
I have no science to back this up, but my observation from reading this forum is that people who try to suppress their need to crossdress build up pressure on themselves. People who learn to express their fem side, even if they don't fully dress, seem to cope better. The amount of relief you experience is completely dependent on what you perceive to be masculine .vs. feminine. When I'm being male for long periods of time, I can get by just by putting on a couple of rings and a male/unisex bracelet -- that's because when I was growing up I learned that "real men" didn't wear jewelry of any kind. Feeling the bracelet on my wrist or seeing the rings on my hand put me in touch with my inner female. You could try underdressing or just wearing male bikinis -- again, it depends on you.
The Jenner thing has enough talk going on in the vanilla world that there's plenty of information out there on the wide range of transgender folks. Have a talk with your wife. Tell her the facts are in and the majority of crossdressers are straight and do not want to transition. Then explain that it turns out you're nothing special; you're straight and you don't want to transition either, but for your mental health you need to acknowledge this part of yourself. Again, just going by what I've read here, when a transgender male gets to take care of his needs in this regard, he's happier. And when he's happy, people around him are happy too even if they don't know about his crossdressing (because he stops being the guy on the verge of going psychotic.)
:2c:
Tina_gm
06-23-2015, 08:47 PM
You are in a typical struggle that many CDers are in. Unfortunately our femininity doesn't always fit well with the life we have built, and the life we do not want to have torn down or torn apart. I often feel as you do. Sometimes, just little things like Jennie CD said can help. My wife does accept some aspects of my femininity. I shave my body. And this will be my 1st summer where I am staying shaved. My nails sometimes get a bit long... Not seriously long, like an inch past the tips, but just a bit on the long side. Little things like this do give some venting of feminine expression.
Rachelakld
06-23-2015, 11:05 PM
I'm 50 now and took my first swim in public pools with a one piece and breast forms and felt so relaxed that I would love for it to become my "norm".
It's a "norm" that I don't want, and it scary.
Bridget Ann Gilbert
06-23-2015, 11:53 PM
Mishell
I can tell you that after 18 years of not dressing the desire will never go away completely. The struggle waxes and wanes, but it is possible to get through the tough times if you keep focused on the things that matter most to you. If that is your family then hold on to your commitment to them. I have found that limiting my female life to the online environment helps take the edge off. Just being a part of this community is a great help. Feel free to PM me if you'd like to know more about how I deal with being a non-dressing CDer.
Bridget
stefan37
06-24-2015, 05:20 AM
GD is a condition we have no control over. There are ways to mitigate it to an extent. Thinking you have it under control is a slippery slope. and yes feeling as if you are on a runaway train is common and can be scary.
Marcelle
06-24-2015, 05:47 AM
Hi Mishell,
From what I read is that you spend an inordinate amount of emotional energy trying to submerge this side of lest you all of sudden discover something about yourself. I also read that your wife knows but what you do not tell us is "does she accept/support" and to what level (e.g., no issues, DADT). If you have support on some to level to express this side of you, then I recommend that you exercise that ability to get in touch with this side of you. The one constant I have noticed from this site is that it never goes away no matter how hard someone tries. It is almost a double edged sword of sorts "I like to dress and the urge to dress is strong but I am afraid I am moving too fast so I will suppress the desire which in turn makes me want to do it more". It is like a cork on a bottle of fizzy water, shake it too much and the cork will eventually pop. Talk to your wife, explain to her what it means to you to dress, come to a compromise and exercise that dressing option on whatever level you both agree. See how that goes for awhile as it is probable you will reach as steady state and maintain. However, if it feels like more, the it is probably wise to see a therapist who specializes in gender identity issues to help bring a bit of order to chaos. Is it is possible you are TS? Could be but then again it is also probable you just like to dress up from time to time. :)
Hugs
Isha
Confucius
06-24-2015, 12:41 PM
Dear Mi-in-a-shell,
If you want to love your wife and family more than your crossdressing, then you may not be happy with the responses at this site. The crossdressers here want to celebrate their condition and gain greater respect and acceptance for crossdressing. If you are looking for help in repressing your urges they you might have better luck contacting Thorin at this site: https://healingcd.wordpress.com/
Personally, I think our condition is just a natural part of how our brains is hardwired. Our neural networks are wired in such a way that stimulation in one pathway produces an automatic and involuntary response in a secondary sensory pathway. That's why most men can wear something feminine and not feel anything special. With us, our brains release a host of neurotransmitters (dopamine, serotoin, oxytocin, and others) which produce a host of sensations that we love. You can't stop your brain from releasing neurotransmitters. So each of us must determine what we need to do to be comfortable with ourselves.
Hell on Heels
06-24-2015, 02:48 PM
Hell-o Mishell,
It is a struggle to find that balance, and it maybe similar, but it is certainly different for each of us.
Your wife knows of your dressing, and it's a fear in your mind that she may have a fear of her own.
The only way for you to clear your mind is to talk with her about your desires.
Confirm with yourself where your at, and may be going with your dressing.
Then have a talk with her about the way you feel.
Much Love,
Kristyn
mishmam32
06-24-2015, 04:55 PM
Everyone has had great feedback, I really appreciate it. I have made subtle comments to my wife about it to encourage more discussion but she is very non confrontational which makes it harder to understand how she feels. My kids are really young but I have been sure to interject conversations in a playful manner that daddy is always daddy and list off silly things I could be including wearing a dress. I'm not sure finding a category I fall into is helpful, but I could be wrong. This feed back has been very supportive, mainly because it shows I'm not alone. Thank you, and keep it coming.
STACY B
06-24-2015, 05:09 PM
From my own Long drawn out Life of this Crap,, Listen up as far as your KIDS GOES,,, Do it now in front of them while there young if your going to do it . You might not think so but they will respond BETTER NOW than later. You will be surprised how flexable kids are while there young. You hide and act like something totally different and what do you expect them to think, Confusion is all they will know.
I have made subtle comments to my wife about it to encourage more discussion but she is very non confrontational which makes it harder to understand how she feels.
Geez, passive people... Subtle comments don't get deeds done. I can't count the number of times I've heard people talk about the subtle hints and foreshadowings they've expressed and they're always mystified that nothing comes of it. ("...well, I just looked at him and arched my eyebrow, that's what I did -- I totally arched my eyebrow and he acted like nothing at all was said!")
Try saying, "Honey, something is bothering me and I really feel that I need your help. Can we talk about it?" Any more subtle than that and the conversation isn't happening. Cast it as your feelings and your needs and ask for her help. Then roll the dice...
docrobbysherry
06-24-2015, 10:53 PM
I have no advice regarding your family, Mash. You'll need a qualified counselor for that I believe.
However, I may be able to help with the urges. When I began serious dressing 7 years ago, I found myself either thinking about it or clothes to try on day and nite. What I finally had to do was dress constantly. Not easy for a closet dresser. But, I dressed in a spare room at work. Whenever the kids were away. And, in the middle of the nite if necessary. After 3 months of that, I became so sick of dressing the urge vanished!
It returned 4 months later. And I worked out a compromise with myself. I would dress whenever I needed to. Which seems to be about 4 or 5 times a month for the last 7 years. I can recommend this method. Denial DOESNT WORK!
ChristinaK
06-25-2015, 12:34 AM
Why can't we have a passion for stamps or something?
The desire won't go away. Your wife knows. Reassure her that you are not Caitlyn. Find out what her boundaries are. Compromise knowing where she stands and try to empathize. How would you feel if she wanted to dress like John Wayne (if you know who that is)?
Find a way to have private time when you can dress. That may mean away from home, the wife, the kids. I have dressed in a parking lot and gone shopping. Find a secure place for your stash unless you want your kids to find it first. There is no place they won't go!
Good luck. We can't help who we are, and most of us have been that way most of our lives. Might as well find a way to make it work.
Krisi
06-25-2015, 06:31 AM
I don't understand how your "dressing is very advanced" yet you still have a full beard. Maybe it's just me, but when I dress and look in the mirror or at photographs, I want to see a woman. A classy woman, not a bearded lady.
That said, please remember, you are in control of your body and what you do to and with it. If crossdressing is making your life or family situation difficult, limit or eliminate it. You have the power to put on men's briefs, not panties. You have the power to put on an undershirt, not a bra.
And you have the power to stop thinking about it if that's your decision.
mishmam32
06-25-2015, 02:04 PM
Blunt...I love it. I'm like that in every walk of life but this one, it scares me to death. I think that's part of my issue. I'm a boss and a business owner I am direct and assertive 90% of my life, this need exposes huge venerability and that drives me nuts. Perhaps I'm giving my male side too much credit. Ego's make this more difficult.
Natasha V
06-25-2015, 02:13 PM
The Urge is the pink fog be careful and think of what you do before you do it when under the pink fog. Time will help cope with the desire to dress and little things like keeping your toes painted or under dressing helps quite a bit. Take it slow don't rush into your thoughts because they may change at any given time. We are here for you. Take care
mishmam32
06-25-2015, 02:17 PM
I didn't realize my earlier reply wouldn't attach to one person so:
@Jennie- Blunt... great advice
@Docrobbysherri- I am doing exactly what you described, and it seems to be working to an extent
@ChristinaK- Of course I know who "The Duke" is :-) and my stash is well hidden, except the wife found it...see earlier threads of mine for that story...wish she found stamps ;-)
@Krisi- My beard was shaved when I attended the meeting, I don't view myself as a bearded lady, I meant advanced in that a lot of the people in the meeting simply had some skirts and tennis shoes and only a few were "dolled up" and I was one of them. It kind of took me by surprise, the ones that were really dolled up were very involved in the organization and it made me feel like I was well....advanced, maybe its a poor choice of words.
Again I love the feedback, very helpful.
RADER
06-25-2015, 03:22 PM
I love to dress, and now that I am retired, I can enjoy dressing more.
I do not go out, I have a Mustache for 40+ years, and it is just me;
With that said, I still love to dress at home and under dress as much as I can.
Now to the point.
When certain things come up where I can't go out with my bra on under
my Drab shirt, I just do not feel rite. Adding the bra with panties and
female jeans, just completes me, I feel that I am not me when I can not
wear my bra.
The more I dress, the more I want to stay dressed; I guess it is addicting.
I go along with the others here, I just love to dress, And I have no desire
to change my sex other than with clothing in the closet.
Rader
stefan37
06-25-2015, 03:27 PM
And you have the power to stop thinking about it if that's your decision.
Yeah if it was only that easy. It's not in our power to not think about it. Maybe to not take action. But thinking about it or not is not in our control. That urge is what drives us to dress, go out and for some ultimately transition.
docrobbysherry
06-25-2015, 11:52 PM
Mish, it may interest u to know I have a full beard and stash in nearly every pic I post here.
As far as this affecting your business? If u can keep it completely separate from your "hobby" u should have no problems. I don't with my businsss because no one knows what i do away from work. That will work if u r a closet dresser. If u feel compelled to come out as a female to the world? That's whn it may become an issue.
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