SO and sex

[Katie01]

Although I don't dress in front of my SO, except for panties (most are hand-me-downs from her), she is very supportive. It has never been an issue. Until recently. During sex I flipped into role playing as a female. She seemed turned on at the time but later confessed that she was repulsed by the activity. We've had "normal" m/f sex since and that has been fine. I am perplexed. I truly enjoyed the feeling of sex as a woman... A dream come true really. Perhaps I went too far too soon? I'd love to get back there but fear it's not in the cards. It's not at all a deal breaker but now I miss the sensation.

Should I be posting this to ask a GG or Loved Ones forums?

[Jenniferathome]

... but later confessed that she was repulsed by the activity. ...

"Not in the cards," is an understatement. Give up the notion of doing that again and why would you want to given your wife's feelings about it. By the way, unless you have transitioned ,with SRS, you don't have a clitoris.

[Rachelakld]

Many women want their partner to be their "rock".
As CD we tend to be more like flotsam than a rock.

[Teresa]

Katie,
Offering something new in your fifties may have phased her out ! Just enjoy normality while you can if your wife hits the change that could be the end of all the fun !
My wife lost total interest ten years ago all contact went , I said I respected her wishes, and no I didn't suggest HRT it was her decision ! She knows I use dressing as a substitute, she's given me no choice ! Some days I know she doesn't feel good about it, but this is part of the reason why I feel she should cut me some slack and let me be more open with it !

[anna.h]

Nothing to do but talk to her about it. If she used the word "repulsed," though, there probably isn't much hope. But you could ask her to clarify her feelings on it. Maybe it repulsed her because she was into the sex and you threw something unexpected at her; if she knew it were coming in advance, she might be willing to do something for you occasionally.

[Kate T]

Firstly Katie, it is great that you and your wife can actually talk about it. So points 1 to you guys for being able to have a conversation about what you do and don't like.
Secondly, try to think of it from her point of view. Very few people's sexuality is particularly flexible. Also try and think of sexuality not as "homo" or "heater" sexual but as what gender you are attracted to i.e. gynophilic or androphilic. Now your wife is Androphilic, that is why she married you. She can't suddenly become gynophilic no matter how accepting she is if it just isn't in her make up.
So why did she seem to be into it. I can't say from personal experience and maybe some of the GG's would have a more experienced view but it seems to me that women generally are far more "giving" and other focused during sex than men. What I mean is that many women will be willing to do something or certainly at least try something, if they think that it will make their sexual partner happy. Sometimes that works out OK for her. Sometimes it doesn't work out for her.

Essentially I think it is great that you can try things and then also great that you can talk about it. BUT make sure you respect her feelings. If she isn't into it, don't try and "make" her like it. That is not fair to her and is only likely to alienate her.

[Katie01]

Thank you all. Very wise words. And yes I fully appreciate how lucky I am.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Sounds like her heart was into it but not her head- she was too turned on to heed her head at the time. Go easy, make sure she feels she can be sure of your caveman side, give her lots of great sex, then in a month or two try 'going there' again and see how she reacts. Believe me, I know exactly what you're talking about, but you may have to accept that her head rules her heart on this one. Best of luck!

[Claire Cook]

I'd let the lady be your guide -- it's really about how both partners find satisfaction.

[deebra]

It's a normal progression for a CD from just wearing feminine clothes to take it one step further to play the role of what it feels like to be a woman in bed having sex, it just makes you feel more like a woman. Apparently your wife is straight hetro-sexual and has no inklin to try/play/experiment in the role of a lesbian. This could really take some work to get her to try it, with her acceptance of your Cding she is somewhat onboard for your desire to be on the feminine side, talking to her and explaining your curiosity and desire to see what it would be like is the key IF it will ever happen. Also ask if she could handle you wearing fem jeans and some other androgenous clothing, if the bed thing is definitely out then don't get stuck in just panties.

[Krisi]

I'm trying to imagine how a male can play the part of a female during sex. Being on the bottom? That's not unusual. Cunnilingus? Also normal.

You could wear your wig and forms but there's not much you can do with the bottom half. Her parts and your parts only fit together one way.

My wife has made the comment "I'm not a lesbian." several times so the "girl stuff" has to come off before sex.

[TrishaTX]

I agree with most posts on here. The main one is to talk about it more explain what you like and see how it fits with her. Be flexible and slow as women are much likely to run into something...as example mine does not like the wig and we have yet to use one in bed. Careful, if you love her slow is worth it.

[HollyLuv]

Just as you want her to respect your desire to dress, you have to respect her lack of sexual desire when dressed. Count yourself fortunate to be able to express yourself as far as you have.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Katie, Although she is very supportable the ball is in her court, :hugs:
Just don't overwhelm her with this program.:daydreaming:

[Greenie]

Sounds like her heart was into it but not her head- she was too turned on to heed her head at the time. Go easy, make sure she feels she can be sure of your caveman side, give her lots of great sex, then in a month or two try 'going there' again and see how she reacts.

As a GG and and SO... PLEASE DO NOT TAKE THIS ADVICE. I am sorry Nikki, but this is some of the worst advice on this thread. OP: You need to TALK to her about what happened. Ask her why you thought she was into it during and then not after. IN my relationship, I also do not want to be surpirsed. and being asked to do it during is a huge turn off. Women have needs to and sometimes we just want to finish too, but that thing you said totally killed the mood. Sometimes also, we do things for our partners that make us uncomfortable, to try to make them happy. Then we realize, that wasn;t fun, I didnt like that, or thats not my cup of tea. Doing something once, does not mean that its a floodgate.

But asking strangers on the internet will only get you so far. You need to talk to you SO about how it happened, why and why she didn't like it. And then, you need to let it go. The ball will be in her court and she is the one who decides if it happens again.

And nikki, ALWAYS CONSENT. The "she didn't like it, but give her good sex so you can she how see reacts when you try again next time" is such a mantra that men use for rape that its not even funny. "She wants it" esk. Please change your line of thinking. Its horrifying.

[Nadine Spirit]

In my opinion what you did wrong was to try something without speaking to her prior to doing it. I am all for adventurousness within sex but everything needs to be discussed about and agreed upon prior to engaging in it. If you can't talk about it outside of the bedroom then it shouldn't be done inside the bedroom.

[Badtranny]

LOL, thanks Greenie. It was getting a bit testicular up in here.

Look, I don't know what you were doing in the "female role" but if my guy suddenly got all power bottom on me while we were having relations, I would be seriously concerned.

First of all, unlike your wife, I know what's going on, and the 'female role playing' would be a very strong indicator that Mr Man, man not be a good match for me. There is nothing wrong with it, just not my thing. I don't think it's hot.

This kind of thing requires honest and open communication. The key word there is honest. The toughest thing about being a closet case is sorting out who and what you really are. It's like trying to solve a Rubik's cube in the dark. For me, coming out of the closet was the first step in actually finding myself.

Of course, coming out is not an option for most CD's so if you want peace, then you have to work harder at deciphering all of these weird conflicting feelings. I think a long wine soaked chat with the missus would be a good first step.

[Krisi]

Nadine, we don't want to have to script our sexual encounters, a little spontaneity is good and is expected. But in this case, trying to have sex with your wife as another woman (however that is done) is probably a bit over the line. It's not something to spring on her without warning in most cases. Some women, of course, might be fine with it or even enjoy the fantasy. It depends on the woman and the mood.

[STACY B]

Yea Melissa is right, In a Hetro relationship I really don't think the wife would want to take a male role and you a female role and you two wouldn't already be aware of it? Taking a female role during sex is a shaky subject none the less, Someone that would do that may have more of a sexual dysphoria more than a Gender dysphoia?

The lines of this whole thing are blurred because of the way the Public have portrayed us as sex objects in past years in history and made it hard for us to work and be normal in a so called normal world. Think about it before we were all chix with you know what and we were freaks of nature,, Like the bearded Lady at the Fair.

Now we are more main stream and they have been more and more Doctors willing to cash in on the whole trans thing and get paid for helping us. So now we can spend all our money trying to right a wrong from birth, What the hell ,, We would have just spent it all on Hot Rods and Beer anyway so might as well change our gender since we have nothing better to do? But always remember it's got to be better than before where they put you in a nut house or just cast you out to a life of Sex work in the Old Brothel ,,lol

Anyway the few that told you to talk to your SO were right on time,, You think it's not a deal breaker but your not thinking like a Woman ether? Women's Brains don't work like Men's brains, Remember all the time she told you,,I'M Not Mad,, Go Ahead I don't care? No I don't mind if you go out with the Boys? Or No it's Fine? An think about all the hell you caught then?

Talk,,,Talk,,Talk,, An keep HER talking about it and if she don't like one thing or the other DON'T DO IT ! They NEVER FORGET--- EVER--- Just saying?

[Momarie]

Katie,
Offering something new in your fifties may have phased her out ! Just enjoy normality while you can if your wife hits the change that could be the end of all the fun !

Menopause is part of a woman's experience...few men appreciate this.

I don't understand how you can emulate a woman and yet be so misogynistic.
It seems you have a very shallow, superficial view of women.

Like your wife, I chose not to use HRT, it seemed unnatural and artificial to me, especially when you consider the many harmful side effects: http://www.medicinenet.com/hormone_therapy/page3.htm

Your sexual needs and desires seem to be all you can write about.
If you are so miserable, leave.
I suspect you need your wife a lot more than she needs you.
You want to do it....you just don't want to pay the consequences and your ego says you shouldn't have to.

[Nadine Spirit]

Nadine, we don't want to have to script our sexual encounters, a little spontaneity is good and is expected.

Who is it that you think you are speaking for other than yourself? Maybe it would have been more accurate to say "I don't want to have to script my ...." I also think it is a bit much for you to describe speaking about things you intend to engage in, prior to doing it, as "scripting" your sexual encounters. You can have open discussions about likes and dislikes within sex without actually having it and still have spontaneity while having it as well.

[Katie01]

Thank you Greenie for your insight. I agree. A big reason why my fantasy/role playing escalated was because, like most good sex, we were in a loop. The more I got turned on the more she got turned on and visa versa and it just progressed. Upon relection though, she felt terribly uncomfortable about having "lesbian" sex. I can understand that and respect her feelings. I have no judgements about gay sex, for good or bad I'm simply not attracted. So I get it.

I guess I wasn't looking for advice per se, but mostly sharing my experience/feelings and hoping to hear from others on the subject. It felt good to share and equally good to hear from others. Thanks again to everyone who responded.

Momarie, are you saying I am a mysogynst or Teresa? Because I certainly am not.

[Badwolf]

I definitely say talk about it!

Your experience DOES NOT HAVE TO BE ANYONE ELSES.

Most people's sexuality is a bit flexible, but everyone has their lines. Mixing the man they are dating with full on lesbian sex, is an area I doubt most women are prepared to go. Women interested in women wouldn't be dating you as a guy (it crosses their line), and truly Bi/Pan sexual people are still statistical anomalies. The NEED to reconcile the experience with the person they DO wan't to date makes it even tougher.

You have a sexual desire to have some female roles, and there are ways to broach the subject and discuss things and potentially find something that is satisfying your needs without bothering her. Hopefully she is clear enough in her sexuality to tell you what she wants so you can both bond over each of your desires. In the end respect her and listen to her completely.

[LilSissyStevie]

In the many years that I've been a part of this forum I've noticed that CDs, especially fetishistic CDs like myself, have a knack for getting involved with the kind of women for which they have no hope of being sexually compatible with, women that have narrow and rigid ideas about sex and gender. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but they would be better off with like minded people. Maybe it has something to do with shame and wanting to suppress these strange desires. It's sad because everybody loses. Fortunately, for many sex is only a secondary consideration in the relationship and they can work around it. I'm lucky in the sense that, although I had not disclosed any previous CDing to my wife, she was aware of and on board with my emasculation fetish (which doesn't necessarily have anything to do with CDing) well before we got married. When I first CDed in my marrige it was her idea. Although I have a libido that is somewhat below average, sex has always been important enough to me that I'm just not going to waste my time getting romantically involved with someone that can't or won't work with my...ahem..."special" sexual needs. We can still be friends, though.

[Katie01]

So this is how great my SO is... Her position is I can have whatever fantasy I want in my head just don't verbalize it while we're doing it (puts pictures in her head that she doesn't want). For us sex is intimate and affectionate and an expression of our love, but mostly just plain FUN. With my ex sex became fraught with meaning and symbolism and even politics... Not so much fun. It made it hard to get up for things (pardon the pun!).

[Jennifer0874]

I have never pressed the issue of dressing or role playing as a female with my wife. She does bring it up on occasion. We've been together ten years and it has taken time for her to get comfortable with it.
I guess I understood from the beginning it really wasn't her thing, but she is open minded and decided that for us to have a great relationship she would have to give in sometimes.

My wife is an alpha female and it took some time for her to bring that side of her from the business world into the bedroom.
I never really play a female role. She prefers that I am some guy she is humiliating. Which works for me. Our role plays can get quite elaborate.

Luckily for me this works for my wife, but if your partner will never be into it the worst you can do is try to force it on them.

[jigna]

You are very lucky to get such wife Katie.
My wife support me only at times, when in proper mood.

[Teresa]

Momarie,
I really don't understand your comments !
What more can I do ? I say I respect my wife's wishes , whether I'm a CDer or not she isn't interested It's only recently that my of my body hair has been removed so that has nothing to do with it !
The fact that her sexual appetite has ebbed away doesn't mean mine has and she realises this and does accept I have to find an alternative ! When she does get irritated by it some of that is because she knows she's not treating me right as a husband being a CDer or not !
As I've said before I do not force anything on her and ask nothing of her, if she offers that's fine but what hurts is she doesn't !

[litlejohn]

Wife and I experienced something similar, except we started out with me in fem. Everything went well. Next day she informed me, we probably would never do it again as right at the end it bothered her. We talked a bit about it and it seemed the sparkling, dangling earrings is what got her and then other things the more she thought and talked about it.
We finished our conversation with I would like to do it again, if she decides she would then let me know otherwise I won't bring it up. Whether it was a CD thing or the room is cool and she wants bottom, the bedroom activities have to be enjoyable by both.
She has been amazingly supportive. She is a wonderful wife, mother and true friend. I am blessed beyond belief and I know it.
Best of luck and as many have said, keep communicating.

[Krisi]

Well, somebody seems to be wound tighter than a two dollar watch!

I began having sex with women long before there was an Internet with people offering advice on how it was to be done so I just "winged" it. It worked out pretty well for me. If my partner wasn't comfortable with something, she would indicate it either by words or body language and I would just move on to something else. Same for my partner. I can't remember ever sitting down and discussing how we would proceed ahead of time.

[TrishaTX]

after coming out to my wife...and not in the right way...(I should have gotten a therapist involved and slowly let her be comfortable) we talked and talked and talked...and it lead to a happy medium. I get most of what I need in bed, and she does as well. Yes I would like a few more things but for the most part things have progressed and we are happier than ever. I understand everyone situations is different and every person different but my thought is I should have been honest from the start, then I would not have had the stress of hiding and lying for years. If they love you and your willing to get help and be honest, most SOs I suspect will work with you. I think we as CDs need to take on most of the challenge to work through it if we did not come clean upon the start of the relationship...I feel this way...It is a slow process but it so worth it.

[Jazzy Jaz]

Hi Katie, if you look up the term crossdreaming it might help you learn more about your true feelings and possibly enhance your communication on the subject with your wife. Crossdreaming is when you fantasize about being the opposite sex during sex and apparently its alot more common than we think, especially among cds. I personally am very attracted to women however I regularly fantasize about being a woman during sex. I usually satisfy that fantasy while dressed during my alone time and am usually in man mode during sex with my gf, exept in my mind when im on the bottom. Since I,ve come out to her i've been able to cd a few times with her and have explained my desires to her. Shes not really turned on by them but has expressed willingness to try certain things as long as its a two way street and i am willing to try things that shes into even if its not my cup of tea. We can rediscuss at any time and drop what really doesnt work for either of us. She also agreed to allow me some alone dressing time and i can do with that what i wish within reason. I believe masterbation is healthy even in relationships and is a way for you to get some of what you need while respecting your partner and making sure she gets what she needs. Communication is crucial no matter what.

[Katie01]

Thank you Jasmin! Crossdreaming... sounds interesting! I think I do it naturally but didn't know there was a term for it. Google here I come!