How would you approach this?

[Robertacd]

Yesterday at an unrelated club meeting I noticed a guy that was wearing a bra. The back was actually quite visible through his shirt. I did not say anything at the time and I do not believe he was trying to show it. Because of the way he seemed to stay separated from the rest of the group. I feel as though I missed my chance by not saying anything yesterday, But I did not want to start a scene or out him to the group.

How should I approach him to let him know we share another hobby.

[Hilde_Morales]

We really need a secret handshake, don't we!

I don't know, balancing the potential self-consciousness against the joy of finding 'another'... I would certainly prefer to be spotted by a sympathiser.

As long as it is done sensitively away from the group, where there is definitely no risk of humiliation.
Personally, I don't underdress, so if I get spotted, I am bang to rights.

Are you certain it was a bra?
How would you feel if the positions were reversed?

[Katey888]

Take care Roberta... perhaps there is some curious medical condition that requires a non-CDing male to wear some similar apparatus to a brassiere... :thinking:

Perhaps some time you could engage him in conversation about Caitlyn (still big in the media, right..?) and see if he is prepared to talk around the subject... I know he may not be TG, but most CDs would at least be prepared to discuss the context... this might provide an opening...? :)

Of course, you could just surreptitiously sneak up behind and give it a good 'twang' accompanied with a friendly grin... :facepalm: Mind you, that never did get me very far with Jayne Rolfe when I was in the Lower Sixth... perhaps a more subtle approach is preferred...

Try chatting to the guy first - it may turn out to be some sort of strange prosthetic - think how embarrassing your assumption may be...

Katey x

[AllieSF]

I am never afraid of approaching a stranger to start up a conversation. However, in this situation I think it is better to leave well enough alone. He has his reasons and you may cause discomfort if you mention it.

One thing that you could do if this is a regular group meet-up would be to get to know him better over time as a club friend. Then see what happens.

[ClaireTaylor]

The first rule of Bra Club - don't talk about Bra Club.

[Brenn]

Remember the Seinfeld episode where Elaine thought the guy she was dating was wearing a bra? It turned out to be a setup to hold sensors in place for some experiment. You never know.

[Victoria Demeanor]

OMG Claire you just made me spit my coffee out through my nose....LOL that was a good one.

[CarlaWestin]

The first rule of Bra Club - don't talk about Bra Club.

As funny as this is, it's of the correct approach. Just say nothing. Possibly, in the course of conversation, you could mention that you are a crossdresser. You'll get either, "So am I!" or, Stinkeye!

[Teresa]

Roberta,
I assume the club meeting wasn't a Cding event so saying something would be more difficult ! I think I would have tried to get a front view to make sure it was a bra and not some sort of medical support ! If was evidently a bra and the guy appeared approachable I would have got into a conversation to get round to the subject . If i was in that situation I would be fine to talk about it as long the other person wasn't trying to be sarcastic and belittle you !

[Robertacd]

I kind of cut the original post short because I had to leave. Anyway thanks for the concerns, but I know it was a bra because I have been doing this for a long time and I know what a bra looks like under clothes. I myself often "underdress" and always check to see how visible my bra is. I could plainly make out the clasp, straps, rings and adjusters in back and in front there was the tel-tail wrinkles of under filled cups. As much as we often want to pretend there is some mysterious medical device that looks exactly like a bra under our clothes, there just isn't and he is too skinny to make the gynecomastia claim.

I guess I will have to ease it into the conversation or maybe have my wife do little snooping when talking with his wife.

[Melissa_59]

It is entirely possible that it is a medical lifejacket - basically a wearable defibrillator. Or even some other medical device.

You don't have to be old to need one either.

~Melissa

[Badwolf]

Most people in the T community tend to say outing someone in public is a bad thing. You don't know how it will affect them, and normally people don't appreciate getting "clocked".

If your open enough to expose yourself first it can start the conversation, the more you expose the better the odds that the person won't feel as blindsided.

Me personally I sometimes just make sure I'm out of earshot and go straight to the bottom line. I have a lot of success with it since most people are happy to find a friendly face. I normally am willing to expose myself at least some after, but I prefer just to ask point blank. Of course when I'm saying this none of the cases where I do that are specifically about CDing but I have asked some that would be considered tactless by some. I can still look at myself in the mirror because I weighed the REAL risks in terms of how I asked. I knew my response would be positive so I just give them the opportunity if they want to take it.

[Nadya]

I think there's a lot of good advice here. Even if you are sure it is a bra. Tremendous care should be taken to not embarrass this person. I'm not sure how I'd handle seeing another person like me in public. I would be overjoyed and would want to meet and talk with them but I know it can be a very sensitive situation. :/

[Pat]

Let me ask a counter-question -- why would you approach this? What's it to you? Why do you think having gleaned the information you believe you have gleaned that you have an obligation to do anything about it? If you feel you must, then don't do anything that puts him on the spot -- put yourself on the spot. Wear your bra to the next meeting and let him "discover" you. Or get a T-shirt with the trans-symbol on it and wear that. If you're not willing to put yourself out there, leave him alone.

[Amy Lynn3]

I'm not sure how I would react seeing another cder out and under dressed. My first thought was, if I saw a real gg out, with a thin top on and her bra was showing through, would I walk up to her and say, I see you have a bra on and I wear one to. I really think one should find out more about the person, before you out yourself.:2c:

[JenniferR771]

I think Jenny is right. Just to be sure--you have to make the first reveal. For instance, paint your nails with a mostly neutral color, clear, almost. Let him notice you.
Maybe wear a woman's sweater.

[Robertacd]

Let me ask a counter-question -- why would you approach this? What's it to you? Why do you think having gleaned the information you believe you have gleaned that you have an obligation to do anything about it? If you feel you must, then don't do anything that puts him on the spot -- put yourself on the spot. Wear your bra to the next meeting and let him "discover" you. Or get a T-shirt with the trans-symbol on it and wear that. If you're not willing to put yourself out there, leave him alone.

I don't feel obliged to do anything, but I have always wanted to have a CD friend. My wife is excepting, but other than that I have been going solo for the last 40 years and I could miss the chance to not only make a girlfriend but become good friends with another accepting couple. I do not want to put him on the spot and the last thing I would want to happen would be to out him, which is why I did not say anything yesterday.

You are right Jennie, I need to make the first move at this point, but I want to keep the two hobbies separated for now so underdressing to a "club event" is out of the question.

I guess I will have to talk this over with my wife and see how or even if she thinks I should peruse it.

[docrobbysherry]

I suggest sayind, "Did u know your bra is visible thru your shirt?" Then, don't speak again no matter what he says.

Plan B. Invite him and the wife over for dinner and see where the conversation goes after a few before dinner drinks.

[Marcelle]

Hi Roberta,

To be honest, I would leave it alone and let the person be. Remember that for many who span the TG spectrum at the close end of CDing, it is a very private affair and they wish nobody else to know or partake. Yes, you can imply the person is deliberately outing themselves by having tell-tale signs of a bra and that is reason enough to make contact. However, whatever their motives, politeness should still reign. If the person is CD (and I say if because you truly do not know what is below the shirt even though you are 100 percent certain it is a bra), this is perhaps their fledgling attempt at expressing this side of themselves and someone wandering in saying "Hey are you CD? Coincidently, so am I" could scare them off. Remember, not everyone wants company in this thing we do and some just want their private moment of joy in whatever form they wish. I find sometimes we wish so much for a kindred spirit to share our own dressing with that we forget about the sensitivities of the other person. Tread lightly please IMHO.

Hugs

Isha

Hugs

[Jorja]

So what if the guy wears a bra? Go strike up a conversation with him. He might be a really nice and interesting person. He might be looking for someone who accepts him for himself no matter what he wears.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Roberta, The man may be suffering with Gynaecomastia and wearing a bra .:daydreaming:

[Claire Cook]

Maybe with a wink and a snap of your bra strap?

[Sara Jessica]

I think this guy is probably a member of these pages, one who says "I underdress with a bra and no one notices".

To which the proper reply is that everyone notices he is wearing a bra but no one says anything. Ignorance might be bliss, depending on your POV.

As for whether anything should be said, you did the right thing in not going there.

[Krisi]

Yep, he thinks no one notices.

Your observation is the answer to every post asking if a bra can be seen under clothing.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Trying to put myself in his position...

At the end of the next meeting, right when he's about to leave, you could very discreetly hand him a note and say 'Sorry to be cryptic, but could you read this once you're outside'.

The note could say, 'I think you might want to know that at the last meeting I was pretty sure I could see you were wearing a bra under your shirt. I'm a crossdresser by the way.'

But saying nothing and trying to befriend him first is probably safest. Remember the ending to American Beauty?

[Jodi]

Have known several men who suffer from gynaecomastia and they must wear a bra. These men were very self conscious about the bra wearing.

When you don't know--don't ever say nuttin.

Jodi



Hi Roberta, The man may be suffering with Gynaecomastia and wearing a bra .:daydreaming:

[Isabella Ross]

I'm going to play the devil's advocate here (why stop now?). Gynaecomastia is most often fairly obvious...in other words, the bra would look at least a little filled. If that's clearly not the case, why not say make some friendly overtures, and if you seem to be on the same page, say something? I've thought about this carefully and tried to place myself in the same situation...and the answer I come up with is that I would not mind someone noticing my bra strap (or nails, or lace panty waistband, etc.) and commenting if they were friendly, sincere and from the same community.

[Stephanie47]

Heck, at the next meeting ask him out for a cup of coffee or a beer. Talk about whatever the club's interest is based on. Get to know the guy. There is no reason to comment on his bra. I bet he was wearing panties and hosiery too!

[Babeba]

Definitely treat him as a human being. Just because you both like bras doesn't mean you will be super special BFFs forever. Strike up a friendly conversation, get to know him as a person, and then bring up the bra strap thing if it comes up naturally.

[Jacqueline85]

he is too skinny to make the gynecomastia claim.

I was really skinny as a teenager. I still am, but I have better muscle definition now. I got gynecomastia around puberty, except I didn't know what it was. I know now. It's not caused by being overweight. It's a hormone thing. So you can't say he is too skinny for it.

[Krisi]

I don't know why people keep saying that a guy with gynecomastia would be wearing a bra. Most normal men would wear a compression garment to try and hide it, not a bra to try to enhance it.

[pamela7]

oh why so cautious folks?
I'd wear a bra,obviously, go talk with him, make sure he notices, be friendly, and open up with something like, "hmmn, my bra's showing tonight" :-)

[Sandie70]

Periodically I clock another crossdresser and so much want to approach her and chat her up. But I don't. Maybe I'm wrong? Maybe she wouldn't appreciate a stranger in drab imposing on her space? Maybe she just wants to be left alone.

And then, maybe, like Hilde mentioned, we need a special secret handshake or signal to recognize each other. I know that many lesbians wear key chains on their belts or clothes... an outward sign to others of who they are? What if we had something similar?

Anyway, when I see someone whom I think is a crossdresser, I want so much to break the wall of loneliness and interact with a sister - to share a bond that must exist between us.

[melanie206]

I suspect that if you keep observing you will see other clues such as how he sits or maintains his skin or whatever. I would not be too direct because you could easily cause him to never return to the meetings. If you are determined to know, engage him in normal conversation to learn about his life. In the espionage world this is known as social engineering. Just remember he is a person with feelings.

[Tammy Lynn Tx]

See if he is a regular or just a one timer. No one says you can't talk friendly and maybe over time drop subtle hints. I have found subtlety is better than a ball bat ( or cricket for our over the pond friends)

[jigna]

He must be like me.
I am crazy to wear bra and panty.
Sometimes I take a calculated risk and wear bra beneath my male T-shirt.

[sometimes_miss]

We really need a secret handshake, don't we!
Absolutely not. It would eventually be found out, and those of us who are closeted would be outed. So no thank you to the secret handshake.

Are you out? If so, you can just approach him when he's out of earshot from everyone else and ask. If not, it's more problematic.

BTW. Know how many people it takes to keep a secret? One. Because if more than that know, it's no longer a secret.

AFA engaging him in conversation, if you can find out his email, you can send him an anonymous message explaining that you crossdress and wonder if he'd like a friend who does (just create a free email address, either yahoo, gmail, or some other web portal that offers free email).
After all, as unlikely as it may seem, he may be wearing it because he has man boobs and needs the specific support.
Going up behind him and giving his bra strap a Twang might get you a punch in the nose. I'd avoid that one.

[Carmen]

Perhaps he broke a collarbone and was wearing that bra-like brace that the Rx prescribes.

[BillieJoEllen]

My wife came home a number of years ago very angry and very upset. She told me that someone's brother was visiting his sister in a nursing home and he was wearing a bra. Then she turned her anger on me because she knew I was a CDer also. She wasn't accepting at that time. We separated a few months later but eventually did get back together.

[Caden Lane]

If you approach them, you risk outing yourself in a social setting which you apparently are involved with regularly, if it turns out it is not a bra. If your wife snoops around with his wife and asks questions, you may out them to their spouse if they are not already out. If your wife did not know, would you want someone to out you in such a fashion?

Do not get me wrong, I'm an advocate for telling a spouse or Loved One early on in relationship. After a certain number of years, it sort of becomes discretionary on the dressers part, because only they know what they truly stand to lose or gain if they reveal later in a relationship. But to out another CD/TG/TS to their possibly unknowing spouse seems like a huge violation upon that person, and I am not so sure I could advocate that. If you wish to broach the subject and risk outing yourself, that is one thing; to out another, that is an entirely different thing.

Ever & Always,
Caden Lane

[Robertacd]

All's well that ends well.

I saw my friend yesterday and was not surprised but happy to see she had gone full time and is on the path to be who she really is.

As we were waiting for the rest of our group to arrive she made a comment like "You're not even going to say anything? I expected more explaining." I told her we share more than one hobby :battingeyelashes: and since I am currently going through a purge I offered her first pick before I take it to the Goodwill.

I think I made a friend.:thumbsup: