Wife is having a hard time dealing with this

[Alexa Lynne]

My wife told me last night that she is having a hard time dealing with this and would like to talk to another transgender female's wife to see how they cope and deal with it. Any takers?

[aprilgirl]

Perhaps a good start would be for her to join the F.A.B. forum here, if she's open to the idea. I know it helped my s/o.

[Alexa Lynne]

April, i thought about that, but sometimes, I come here to vent about things and don't want her finding out i'm on here. . lol

[aprilgirl]

April, i thought about that, but sometimes, I come here to vent about things and don't want her finding out i'm on here. . lol

Ideally, anything you would share here would be something you would share with her, but I understand it isn't always easy. Like you, she may need another outlet to discuss the situation with someone other than you, if only for a different, objective perspective. You may consider going together to see a therapist that specializes in transgendered issues, if only to open up the line of communication between yourselves.

[Suzie Petersen]

April is right, having her join here and talk to people in the F.A.B room on in the Loved Ones room would be good.
I understand what you are saying about her also being able to see everything else you write, but as April also suggest, those things should be stuff you could talk to her about directly anyway!
Not easy for sure, but the GG's who come here would just be such a great source of help and advise for her!

Btw, her expressing a desire to talk to someone is quite normal. One of the worst feeling to deal with in all this, is that of being alone. She has most likely realized that she cannot share this with anyone in her normal social circle, not without potentially dire consequences at least. She likely feel completely alone with this. She needs someone to confide in!

Hugs
Suzie

[Tristessa]

Therapy could also be just for her, and not include you, so she could have a completely safe place to open up and explore. If you go this route, you should definitely make sure that the therapist is trans-friendly but doesn't have an agenda one way or the other.

[Alexa Lynne]

Suzie, that's what she's feeling. Now, back in May, I did leave her for another woman for 3 weeks, but realized that I still love her, so i went back to her. Right now, the trust is not there, then I drop this bombshell 2 weeks after i came back home, and she is constantly thinking I dont love her anymore, that i'm gonna leave her again, etc. I told her that i'm a transgender female who wants to be with a female. I choose her! She doesn't want to be with a female though. That's what's gonna be the killer of our marriage. I'm not gonna force her to be with me. I do know she loves me, as i love her too, but i'm not sure what to do. She is a public school teacher and knows alot of people here, especially band/choir directors (that's what she does), and doesn't want me going out in public on an account I would run into someone she knows, which would get back at her job, then god knows what would happen.

[aprilgirl]

Timing is everything, Mackenzie. I don't know what else to say, given the incredibly recent circumstances, but I hope you can work things out.

[Ineke Vashon]

April, i thought about that, but sometimes, I come here to vent about things and don't want her finding out i'm on here. . lol

If she doesn't know your femme name she might not find out who you are on this forum. What stands out to me though is what you find so LOL about venting. Doesn't compute for me.

Ineke

[Marcelle]

Hi Mackenzie,

The other option is to find a local TG support groups and perhaps find other couples who share this journey and that way she might find someone to talk to. The key thing to remember is to allow her the opportunity to question and learn as that is the only way forward.

Hugs

Isha

[char GG]

In my opinion, the trust issues will take a long time to heal. Maybe seeing a therapist together would help. Good luck.

[STACY B]

April, i thought about that, but sometimes, I come here to vent about things and don't want her finding out i'm on here. . lol

You better start venting in a PM,,lol If I were you I would tell her about this place asap,, My SO is here and was very reluctant to join and still does not come often because she fears confrontation from other TS girls and does not want to say or do the wrong thing.
I told her that it's cool and just say what you want if they don't like it they have mod
s that will put you in check,lol

But still she is afraid, When she first got on the boards she freaked out at all the CD stuff, An I told her that me being TS most don't apply to us and read all and believe very little,,,lol

But meeting the Real Deal Trans chic sure helps alot,, That's for sure, When I say the real deal I mean someone that lives it day to day,, Like we both met Badtranny and she was amazed at how Normal she was.

So put it off if you want to the only thing your doing is digging a deeper hole, She thinks your hiding on here,, My SO thought this was a dating site,,lol So there you never know what they THINK !!!!

[sarahcsc]

Hi MackenzieNicole,

You want your wife to get a balanced picture about whatever is it she wants to know.

This forum may be biased in a way that it attracts a certain type of people, especially people who are having problems in real life.

There are probably heaps of people like us who are happily married out there because they have somehow managed to resolve of their conflicts without resorting to the forum.

I'm not saying there is nothing to learn from the forum, but I just want you to bear in mind that this may not be the best place to look for a balanced picture.

It is worth a shot with PMs, and personal emails. :)

Love,
S

[Krisi]

You told your wife that "I told her that "i'm a transgender female" and she is having a hard time dealing with this?

Think about what you told her. She married a man and now she is being told that her "man" is now a female. That's a pretty serious shock to her world. She probably didn't dream of this when she was growing up, her plans were to marry a man and live happily ever after, not to marry a man who turned into a woman, thus making her an instant lesbian.

If you really believe you are a woman inside, you should probably set her free to find her dream man. If you are just a straight crossdresser, you should adjust the terms you use to describe yourself. Some women can live with and accept being married to a crossdresser. Very few will live and accept being married to a man turned woman.

[mykell]

im having a hard time with this, just from the short time you have been here iv read your intro 6-24 you revealed that you told her you want to be a women, you shaved your hair, pierced your ears, tried to book a marathon therapy session.....you are on a pink fog freight train barreling full speed ahead with no apparent care for what feelings she has except that she is not on-board with your wishes, not one sentence about communicating with her....seems fairly selfish.....slow down and talk to this women you shared your life with and communicate...who, what, where, when, and why things are going, talking to another GG here wont do that for you, and letting her find another place to learn about yourselves may work the opposite way, marathon not a sprint was my advise in the intro....im sure the euphoria of being among like minded here and reading all the positive stories has you feeling good... and it should, but some folks here on all different ends of the spectrum have a hard time dealing with this part of themselves....takes years for some to cope, this is still a shock to her, much harder for her to comprehend and deal with in such a short timeframe....work on including her and i think it will go smoother.....otherwise she may feel left behind and regret things....which you may regret...

sorry to be so honest with my opinion but since coming here and regretting being so with myself i do try to be without being negative.
so i think you need to slow down, include her in whichever direction you are heading.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Mackenzie, How did your wife handle you getting your ears pierced ??:daydreaming:

[Krisi]

mikell gives good advice above. Take it to heart.

[Zylia]

Yes, read Mikell's post and read it again. You need to educate yourself, talk to a professional and stop having daydreams about HRT.

[BabyTia]

Try to use this website as much as you can, as much as I have seen everyone here seems to be really supportive and understanding. I have not been here long and I have not been CD'ing much but my SO accepted it because we both have a liking to it. So maybe try and change things up a little? Like if you are the dominant in the relationship maybe she can be the dominant when you are CD'ing around her or maybe she can do your makeup for you? The little things could make a big difference - Tia x

[Suzie Petersen]

Well said Mikell!! Hope you read that a few times MackenzieNicole!

- Suzie

[Alexa Lynne]

Hi Mackenzie, How did your wife handle you getting your ears pierced ??:daydreaming:

Not well, but she's ok now :)

[Alexa Lynne]

im having a hard time with this, just from the short time you have been here iv read your intro 6-24 you revealed that you told her you want to be a women, you shaved your hair, pierced your ears, tried to book a marathon therapy session.....you are on a pink fog freight train barreling full speed ahead with no apparent care for what feelings she has except that she is not on-board with your wishes, not one sentence about communicating with her....seems fairly selfish.....slow down and talk to this women you shared your life with and communicate...who, what, where, when, and why things are going, talking to another GG here wont do that for you, and letting her find another place to learn about yourselves may work the opposite way, marathon not a sprint was my advise in the intro....im sure the euphoria of being among like minded here and reading all the positive stories has you feeling good... and it should, but some folks here on all different ends of the spectrum have a hard time dealing with this part of themselves....takes years for some to cope, this is still a shock to her, much harder for her to comprehend and deal with in such a short timeframe....work on including her and i think it will go smoother.....otherwise she may feel left behind and regret things....which you may regret...

sorry to be so honest with my opinion but since coming here and regretting being so with myself i do try to be without being negative.
so i think you need to slow down, include her in whichever direction you are heading.


This is going to sound selfish, but my feelings aren't changing, because I know 100% without a doubt that I am a woman trapped in a mans body. Yes, I realized that there is a high risk of losing her over this. I know this. But i am finally happy with who I am and I know all the changes don't happen over night and maybe it is a good idea to have more than one therapy session. . I don't know, but driving 3 hours to a therapy session twice a week for however long, is something I can't do due to my job. I am not ready to explain things to come out as transgender to my co-workers. I can probably get away with 2 full days total, but anything past that and they will question me about it.

[sometimes_miss]

Be careful. Perhaps start out with a female therapist. Because once you've started contact with other wives of CDers, you're going to expose her to every possible opinion out there, and at least one of those is going to be a wife who's husband wound up being TS and then transitioned. Which will fuel your wife's worst fears. Been there, been through it. Didn't work out well for me. We wound up getting divorced mainly because my ex wife's participation in CD'er's SO support groups convinced her that I was TS and would definitely transition. Nothing I could tell her would convince her otherwise. She even suggested that I move to San Francisco so that I could be with other people like me.

[Alexa Lynne]

I honestly think my SO is coming around. I was given a padded bra and a new dress today and makes me look like I have boobs (pics are in the other forum). I told her that It feels great except that I don't have boobs. I told her I wanted to start HRT. She is highly against that, BUT compromised with me and said that I could have fake ones if i wanted them. (Better than nothing, I guess). Slow and steady hopefully will win this face for me.

[PaulaQ]

Mackenzie, there are some trans support organizations in Arkansas. Check out this site, http://www.artranscoalition.org/, and if you don't find a counselor and support group, let me know via PM and I'll see if I can dig through my notes and find some of ones I know about. One of my friends in Tulsa helped establish a group in Arkansas recently. There are other trans women on this site who are also from Arkansas.

If you are in the western-most part of Arkansas, you might also find it worthwhile to visit the Oklahomans for Equality Center, which has a fantastic transgender support group. www.okeq.org

Please reach out if I can be of any help to you.

[Caden Lane]

It is highly unrealistic to think that you will progress towards HRT with one or two therapy sessions under your belt. Selfish seems to be a keyword here; you do not wish to compromise on attending therapy, no matter what the Standards of Care suggest. You are not willing to compromise due to your work, for fear they will question you. Simple fix; get your Psychologist to write you a letter saying you are under their care due to an unspecified diagnosis, and invoke FMLA (Family Medical Leave Act). The Standards of Care are pretty clear on the basic levels of care that are expected for individuals presenting as Transsexual, Transgender, or Gender- Nonconforming People. What follows is an excerpt from the 2012 version of the SOC;

Psychological and Medical
Treatment of Gender Dysphoria
For individuals seeking care for gender dysphoria, a variety of therapeutic options can be considered.
The number and type of interventions applied and the order in which these take place may differ
from person to person (e.g., Bockting, Knudson, & Goldberg, 2006; Bolin, 1994; Rachlin, 1999;
Rachlin, Green, & Lombardi, 2008; Rachlin, Hansbury, & Pardo, 2010). Treatment options include
the following:
• Changes in gender expression and role (which may involve living part time or full time in
another gender role, consistent with one’s gender identity);

• Hormone therapy to feminize or masculinize the body;
Surgery to change primary and/or secondary sex characteristics (e.g., breasts/chest, external
and/or internal genitalia, facial features, body contouring);

• Psychotherapy (individual, couple, family, or group) for purposes such as exploring gender
identity, role, and expression; addressing the negative impact of gender dysphoria and stigma
on mental health; alleviating internalized transphobia; enhancing social and peer support;
improving body image; or promoting resilience.

You do not seem to care about her feelings in the matter. You simply state "I am, I will, I do, I shall," and she seems to have to accept it or walk, yet you are doing nothing to help her understand, you are making no compromises in her direction. You seek advice, and then you seemingly pick and choose which comments you respond to, and which advice you will adhere to. I know you understand your new reality, but you have to give her time to adjust to it, and as was suggested earlier on by Mikell, you are pink fogging really bad. You are like a locomotive on a single track, and a deadline only you know. No one here is suggesting giving up on your quest, or compromising your femme aspect into oblivion; but please be fair to your spouse in this, give her a chance to catch up to you, to understand, to be a partner. You may be surprised if you will simply look around some, step from that fog, and compromise just a little. You may find she will stick through all of this with you if you give her the chance. Spouses who stick by TS/TG/CD are far and few between; even if she does not stick with you throughout transition, any time she is by your side has intrinsic value. It is a support network you may not have otherwise. To forsake a fragment of that network for selfish agendas or reasons only works against you in the long run.
The SOC may use the phrasing “therapeutic options” and “…number and type of interventions applied and the order in which these take place may differ from person to person…” but that does not mean you should forsake any one aspect of it. To do so is foolhardy, and running a risk of setting yourself up for eventual failure.
Best of luck and fortune to both you AND your partner.

Ever & Always,
Caden Lane

[PaulaQ]

@Caden Lane.

I hate to say this, but if she needs to transition, her wife's feelings about it matter not one iota, really. Yes, that outcome is not apt to be a happy one. Believe me, I know from first hand experience.

I predict there'll be a bunch of opinions from others here about all of this, but really, she needs, at most, a therapist's letter to be sure she is able to give informed consent. That takes a couple of sessions, typically. She'll need gender therapy to go any further than HRT, however. And I always recommend gender therapy to people, as well as support groups, because gender transition is hard. It is one of the most difficult things a person can attempt, at least in our society... Nobody really diagnoses us anymore. They just perform varying degrees of CYA. That said, again, I highly recommend a good gender therapist, and for way more than just a couple of sessions.

[Caden Lane]

I tend to agree with you Paula; Her wife's feelings about transition do not matter. However the way she approaches her wife about this, communicates with her, maintains their relationship until either of them or if either of them decide to forfeit the relationship, that DOES matter. Like it or not, she entered into a relationship, in her wifes eyes, under the pretense of being a man. While in that relationship, she still has some obligations to meet, and it would behoove her to try and maintain her support network wherever possible. As we all know, ours can be a lonely existence. But her wife still deserves to be treated like a human being, like she still matters to some extent, that maybe her thoughts and feelings do matter on some level, and that their relationship had value at some point, and wasn't a joke or a farce. All those things can still be accomplished without her wife's opinions clouding the matter. I may be in her shoes myself all too soon. I just hope I handle it better than she.

Ever & Always,
Caden Lane

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Its way more than how do you get a letter for HRT...thats easy

You need to take ownership of your own life, your actions, your gender... all of it..now
You may know who you are, but you obviously know very little about what you are getting into, and your wife knows even less

just based on this and other posts, you are going to have a very difficult go of it unless you get some serious on the ground support (therapy), and you get some serious real facts about what you are considering...

dont you want to succeed? what is your plan? don't you want to have a great life in your true gender? don't you want your wife to come to her own conclusions about all this with all the info she needs so that she can have a good quality of life with or without your marraige?

Nothing in your posts makes me feel you are heading in a constructive direction.

you need real support...that starts with a good therapist..it doesn't matter if its far, it doesnt matter if its inconvienent...find a way. if this is important to you, find a way

how much electrolysis have you done? how is your health? are you prepared to have people stare at you for the rest of your life? how much money do you have for procedures you may desire? what will happen in your job? what legal rights do you have? are there safety concerns? at divorce time will you pay alimony?(i had a union friend held out over a 20 story building in 2011..this stuff goes on)..i assume you have no kids...do you ever want them?? are you sexually active? are you ready for some seriously crippled libido(not always)

as a ts person i know how badly i needed to proceed...if you are feeling that way, you are going to proceed but you are well served to slow down and get some more information so that you don't start out something that is already doomed to fail.. nobody wants that, especially your female self.

[PaulaQ]

Paula; Her wife's feelings about transition do not matter. However the way she approaches her wife about this, communicates with her, maintains their relationship until either of them or if either of them decide to forfeit the relationship, that DOES matter.

I agree that she should be totally forthcoming about her intentions about transition with her wife. I think couple's therapy with someone who gets gender is an excellent idea.

I also know from experience that 8-9 times out of 10, it won't make any difference between the two of them. They'll most likely divorce.

Of the marriages I have seen survive, I wouldn't wish half of them on someone I really hated.

Some do make it, and are actually happy though. And regardless of how it turns out, I think we owe our spouses honesty, kindness and understanding. But realistically, it's all fun and games until you start taking estrogen, and then at that point, "shit gets real," as the kids say.

[char GG]

Why shouldn't she have a hard time with it?
Did she know about your wanting to transition before you got married?
Did you give her the chance to come on board with possibly living with a woman instead of a man?
Did she think she married a man?
Does she want to be married to a woman?
Good luck.

[Jenniferathome]

If I can just summarize the OPs posts:

complains wife is is having a hard time with OP transitioning but OP wants to stay together.
leaves wife for three weeks for another woman
returns and proclaims "love" for wife
shortly thereafter divulges desire to go on HRT
can be bothered driving to a therapist cuz it's far
receives a padded bra and dress (from wife?)
Wife doesn't approve of HRT but approves of breast augmentation

Really? The wife sure got over her "hard time" quickly. Is this thread real? You're just messing with us, right?

if this is for real, OF COURSE SHE'S having a hard time with this! By the way, in a very real physical sense, she IS losing the man she married. If you're a transwomen fine, but have some objectivity about what you are doing to HER life as well.

[flatlander_48]

MN:

Considering all of the interactions between you and your wife, flip them around and tell us what your reaction would be. In other words, your wife tells you that she is a male in the body of a female. It would have to be a major shock. Obviously, the result would be a very different life from what you had envisioned. Humans often do not do well with change and you've presented the possibility of a fundamental mid-course correction. From what I've read here and in other places, your wife's initial reaction was very common.

It is good to note that there is a process to working through major gender dysphoria issues. This is not a situation that can tolerate much Buyer's Remorse. When you're dealing with life-altering and potentially body altering decisions that are pretty much irrevocable, you want to be as close to 100% certain as you can get. Rushing into something helps no one. You want to give yourself every chance to make good decisions.

DeeAnn

[PaulaQ]

receives a padded bra and dress (from wife?)
Wife doesn't approve of HRT but approves of breast augmentation
Really? The wife sure got over her "hard time" quickly. Is this thread real? You're just messing with us, right?

if this is for real, OF COURSE SHE'S having a hard time with this!

I think her wife is still in shock / denial / bargaining - trying to find some compromise to make things work out, stay together, and maintain her current life.
I did miss the part about the brief affair. I'm changing my opinion of the chances for this relationship from 10% to basically 0%. It's never exactly zero, but, you know, lottery winner type odds.


If you're a transwomen fine, but have some objectivity about what you are doing to HER life as well.

I know, right? It's like those people who get cancer. So selfish. They spend all that money on treatment. Why don't they just take responsibility for whatever bad life decisions they made that lead them to get cancer, and just die already, instead of wasting all their family's money.

Well, one thing you for sure have right, Jennifer, she should expect zero empathy from her wife. I certainly never got any, and I didn't have an affair.

I think the fairest thing to say about a situation like this is that our society doesn't really allow for honesty in some situations. And even if things improve, as they have recently, we are often still punished for being honest about ourselves. In such a situation, the pressure to lie is overwhelming - because it's what the world expects you to do. Horrible consequences, collateral damage, and harm to others is a frequent outcome in such a situation.