An extremely different family problem.

[nikkim83]

My 3 year old is showing some interesting gender related behaviour. He loves having his nails painted (only in pink) only wants pink sippy cups, and is showing a preference to his cousins clothing. My wife knows about me, and she is extremely ok. The rest of the family does not. My dad saw Chris last weekend with his nails painted and flipped out. My reaction was not the best i.e. he is my child he likes i am ok with it and if u dont to freaking bad.. I am really unsure the best way to handle these things in the future As I will not force my son to not have it if it makes him happy.

[DonnaT]

If your child becomes unhappy if you remove the things he likes, like polish, dresses, etc. Then he could be expressing gender issues. You are right to let him experiment to remain a happy kid.

There are support groups for trans (if he is) kids, such as http://www.transkidspurplerainbow.org/

http://www.transgenderchild.net/resources/support-groups/ (http://www.transkidspurplerainbow.org/)

http://www.transgenderchild.net/resources/support-groups/

[AngelaYVR]

My daughter wanted to wear nail polish when she was very young, too. I told her she had to wait until she was older.
Don't get me wrong, I asked for [and received] a doll when I was three and had a natural affinity towards flowery things and my neighbour's dresses but makeup is another matter altogether. And I didn't grow up with GID so just let things play out.

[Jorja]

First, your child is only 3 years old. At this point he doesn't even know what he likes and dislikes. He is exploring and hunting for his identity. I personally feel that you handled well. So what if grandpa doesn't like it. He is not grandpa's child. He is your child and you will raise him as you see fit as long as you are not violating the law.

[kimdl93]

The rest of your family needs to chill. All little kids like to play with clothes and such. And why shouldn't they?

[Rhonda Jean]

I'd read nothing into it. I'd let him do it without judgement and try to neither encourage nor discourage. I think people are way too quick to think that something like this has larger implications. Take it for what it is without making something bigger out of it.

As for the rest of the family, if they're going to flip out over it, I'd avoid them. It's nothing to flip out over.

[Pat]

I'm going to go with the crowd and say that at 3 he doesn't necessarily understand subtexts like color choices and fingernail painting. Just let him roll with it and neither encourage nor discourage. Keep an eye on Grandpa and as the kid gets older let him know that grandpas were brought up in different times and may have ideas that seem odd these days (I know I sure do.) You don't really have to tell him not to pay attention to the adults in his life -- he'll know that naturally. The first time a friend tells him there are spider eggs in chewing gum, you'll find that he trusts his peers implicitly and you not at all. ;)

[nikkim83]

I really am trying not to read anything it to it, He is 3 and he is supposed to be exploring and learning. I think what upset me most is as a parent I want to nurture that growth not stifle it.

[Tristessa]

Your child got a valuable lesson in navigating social norms - he both got to see that some people are very committed to them, but also got to see that others (you) aren't, as well as an example of how to respond when someone else disapproves of what you're doing. If you keep modeling the same behavior, your child will be much more tolerant and well-adjusted later in life.

[Fany27ab]

your child is very young to be a crossdresser, its very normal at this age to feel curiosity about the girly things.

but its a call to be watching him, maybe he really is a crossdresser, and you can be an excellent support

[MarinaKirax]

Three year olds have a job, and that is exploring the world and its opportunities, without exception. They've only been independently mobile for a while, their ability to interact by language is exploding, and they are beginning to communicate in a meaningful back and forth with other people. Its a time of experiencing everything. It will be a while before he understands that only girls are supposed to wear dresses and paint their nails. That idea is probably way more complicated than "hey! look! I can paint my fingernails!". besides, pink was traditionally a mans color hundreds of years ago. Women wore deep green, deep reds, and blues. men wore black, white, gray, and soft accents like moss or pink. This means nothing, trust me.

[charlenemichaels]

your child is very young to be a crossdresser, its very normal at this age to feel curiosity about the girly things.

but its a call to be watching him, maybe he really is a crossdresser, and you can be an excellent support

Absolutely an opportunity to shape a life to the happier side of things:)

Let em be kids really. :)

~Char

[Teresa]

Nikkim,
I have two grandsons aged eighteen months and three and a half years, if my wife saw the older one with nail polish on I'm sure she would think I had something to do with it but saying that she did let him wear one of her necklaces ! I will have to admit it made me feel slightly uneasy only because of her critical attitude towards my CDing but it was OK for him to play with her jewelery !

[STACY B]

2015 Remember , At the least you need to listen to Him, Don't be like our parents were,, If it still happens take him to a GENDER Therapist and let them decide on what to do !

[Rhonda Jean]

Shasta,
I absolutely LOVE your hair, but I so disagree with the gender therapist thing! Maybe if he/she is a teenager, but I think people are so quick to react one way or the other. Either to try to suppress "it" or to jump completely to the other side.

If he wants to wear nail polish or braid his hair with a blue ribbon... just let him do it without intervention! Therapists have their place. I've been to a "gender therapist" as an adult. Not sure it did anything for me other than to provide a place to speak freely, which was pretty helpful at the time. Just allowing him to be his own person without having to choose a side would be, I think, invaluable.

[Sometimes Steffi]

First, your child is only 3 years old. At this point he doesn't even know what he likes and dislikes. He is exploring and hunting for his identity. I personally feel that you handled well. So what if grandpa doesn't like it. He is not grandpa's child. He is your child and you will raise him as you see fit as long as you are not violating the law.


There are a number of trans girls who new at 3 or younger, and I've even met some. They were probably trans even earlier, but didn't know how to verbalize it.

Let it play out, but you should take it as an early warning.

[nikkim83]

The truth if the matter is I honestly think that he is to young to understand the "social" norms anyway. I am not yet going to run him to a gender therapist or anything. My primary concern is dealing with my family and not wanting to stifle him. I was called many horrible things by many family members growing up that should never have happened. And I do not want my child feeling the same. I know right now my life would be incredibly different had I not been stiffled. I know at 18 I would have transitioned which is all but impossible now, and I am concerned with how to address family that may or may not want 2 do the same to my son. I never ever want him 2 wake up with that hollow void and hate who he is.

[Tristessa]

He may be too young to cognitively understand something as abstract as social norms now, but on an emotional level, he can sense approval or disapproval. Whether he is expressing himself or merely experimenting, experiencing disapproval is a behavioral reinforcement of said norms. Things learned via this route are typically preverbal and difficult to unlearn, as they are "felt" and not "thought". So what he needs are counter-reinforcements that balance out those messages and give him space to explore without shame. Think how different your journey would have been if you'd had just one person, much less a parent, who accepted you and encouraged your exploration.

[Rachelakld]

Let him be himself, and stomp on anyone who says otherwise.

[Jazzy Jaz]

My gfs three yr old likes to have his nails painted, most other stuff he likes is considered "boy stuff". We dont know if theres anything to it or if he just saw her do it and wanted to join in. I believe people are born tg and so only time can tell. His father takes him once in awhile and recently tried to demand that she stop painting his nails and that he was going to buy polish remover and take it off. She firmly told him " I dont just put it on him, he tells me that he wants to put it on. You know, he might be gay or trans and we're still going to need to love him, right? If you want to take it off when hes with you then go ahead but you'll be the one dealing with him screaming, im not going to stop supporting him if thats what he wants to do". He seemed to have sort of a change of heart after that and apologized to her.

I think its important for your son to see you stick up for him and to support his feelings and even at a young age also learn about why people have some of the opinions, prejudices, and stereotypes that they do. I started talking to my now 6 and a half yr old son about lgbt and gender issues at about that age as he has a close adult cousin who is gay plus my gender issues,( he doesnt know about either of us specifically). I broke it down to his level just like i would teach him anything else but also learned his comprehension grows the more i talk to him intelectually. More recently we've watched youtube videos about trans children and i explain and answer any questions he has. I dont suspect any gender issues with him but he seems to be sympathetic and understaning of those children which was my gaol, also to lay the groundwork if the day ever comes that he knows about me, and i think it could go a long way in preventing him from bullying at school as well as maybe stick up for others if he sees them getting bullied.

[DressyJenny]

Its not uncommon for kids to experiment at that age. It doesn't mean they are crossdressers or transgendered. They are just being children. Their gender idenities are also still developing. Its great that you are there to watch over and support you're son. Its a shame that some people have this wierd idea that being a CD or transgendered is a learned behavior. Your son will probably grow out of it. Plenty of family members can disagree with how parents raise their kids. But as long as the parents are doing whats best for the kids their families have no right to tell them how to raise their children. But in any case its good that you are trying to be understanding of you're son.

[kathtx]

I've got twins, one boy, one girl. Around age four our boy went through about a week where he wanted to wear girls' clothes. A few weeks later our daughter (who's usually very "girly" which really confuses my tomboy wife) did the opposite. We didn't make a big deal out of it. My parents happened to be visiting during some of that time, and they were fine about it. My wife's mom would have freaked out, though.

If your kid is just experimenting, it will go away. If not, then he might have gender identity issues and you'll need to get some support for yourself and your child, and work out how to educate your family. Time will tell.

[pamela7]

Hi Nikki,

One important discovery I've made working with hundreds of clients, and growing up 5 children, is that the child expresses stuff repressed/hidden by the parents. If you come out to the wider family/world, I'd not be at all surprised to see he may not need to do it "for you", leaving him to experience his own path.

I realise this type of insight appears a bit "out there" from the mainstream, but its the basis of how projection works, imprinting and human development. One example, the day after I had released my fear of heights, my daughter reported she'd done a zip wire and enjoyed it, whereas before she was afraid of heights. That's how it works!

xxx

[char GG]

He's only 3! He may be copying behaviors that he's seen in other little girls. Don't read too much into it at this age.

[STACY B]

Rhonda Jean,, Gender therapist is for the Dad's sake of argument with Grandpaw,, So if he freaks again and says something to the effect of this and that he can always pull out the Old Where's your Doctor's Degree,,lol,,

I mean I understand what most say but why not get it on record early if there is something there? If not and it's just a phase Big Deal let it pass and go on with Life.
But if it's not the earlier you get something done the better off SHE will be!

I was saying don't be like our parents were and think it passed or whatnot and then let them spend a Lifetime dealing with the Problem alone.

Come on,, Listen to you people,, That's the same Crap that our Parents said !! An look at us ? They have people that know about this stuff now days why not use them for there special skills set?

Yea Lots of Boys do show Gender variant signs early and pull out of it ,, Or do they ? Maybe the ones that So Called Grow out of it are the Very people on this Site? I can't believe all the Crazy Comments here on this thread. Freaks me out to think there aren't more and different ways of looking at this Dysphoria this day and age with all the so called progress we have made just in the last year.

SCARY STUFF !!

[Krisi]

How did he get his nails painted? Did he do it himself or did you or your wife do it? Why? Why is he given pink sippy cups? Is pink the only color available?

I suspect I wouldn't have the problem of wanting to dress up in women's clothes now if my mother hadn't dressed me as a girl and fussed over me when I was a baby and too young to know any better.

I suggest not painting his nails (any color) and giving him other colors of sippy cups. Stop guiding him towards gender confusion. If he decides later, when he is old enough to understand, to be a crossdresser or transgender, that's fine. As it is, your parenting is confusing him and will cause him problems later in life.

[Jazzy Jaz]

I completely disagree!

[Jorja]

There are a number of trans girls who new at 3 or younger, and I've even met some. They were probably trans even earlier, but didn't know how to verbalize it.

Let it play out, but you should take it as an early warning.

Yes, I understand this because I am one of them but.... most children do not have a sense of identity at that age. It is way too early to say this child is trans. It should be noted but not worried about. As the child ages and still continues to like the girly things then there may be reason to suspect. Kids can pick up or drop likes and dislikes in an instant. You should be looking for a reoccurring pattern to what this child chooses over something else.

For example, put an equal selection of boy toys and girl toys out for the child to play with and see what he chooses most often. Lay out boy clothing and girl clothing and see which he chooses most often. Allow him to experience life as a boy and as a girl as see which he chooses most often. This is NOT a one time thing. It may take several years to be sure. As the child begins to talk well, listen to what he says. If he is saying I am a girl not a boy, well then, you have your answer.

[UNDERDRESSER]

Is he/she TG? Who knows? If so, well, so be it. If not, that's cool too. Sounds like your reaction is good, "If that's what you want, kid, it's your choice."

Your Dad's response though.....Try this attitude maybe. "I'm not forcing, or encouraging him, If he is, TG or TS in some way, thems the breaks, trying to suppress or change it will just pile up problems for the future." - "You're not helping, feel free to say you don't agree, but don't vent around my child."

[nikkim83]

Truthfully the first time he painted his own nails saw my wife doing them got curious and sat next to her and did it himself. We keep all color cups available pink ones were for his cousin. We allow him to make those choices.

[Sarah Beth]

When my daughter was three all she wanted to play with was trucks and legos. She had dolls she didn't play with and hated it if she had to put on a dress. By the time she was five you couldn't force her into a pair of pants it was all about Barbie dolls and dresses, even in the winter she wanted to wear a dress couldn't understand why she couldn't wear a dress to go sledding. Then she got to junior high and all she wanted to wear was jeans. The first she got married was by a justice of the peace and she wore jeans. About two years ago she got for a second time and this time she did wear a dress. She told me the one she bought for the wedding meant she now owned three dresses.

I would worry about any of it. Kids go through stages and phases. Just be supportive and let things play out. Don't try to force things let it be natural whatever it may be.

[OCCarly]

I read somewhere that 60% of people between 14 and 34 years old want to do away with the gender binary altogether and acknowledge the reality of a gender spectrum and gender fluidity. I do not know who did this bit of demographic research, but Facebook, Google, and the big dating websites are acting on it, and letting people designate their own gender in a LOT of different ways. The writer of the article also noted that a large number of universities are moving rapidly toward gender neutral restrooms as well, and that the young folks had already moved far past Caitlyn Jenner at breathtaking speed. The whole article reminded me of the predictions made in Alvin Toffler's "Future Shock."

Even on this forum, I note that it has a stable membership of mostly older folks. In some transgender forums, I see a fast, steady turnover where younger folks show up, learn the ropes, transition, and then leave. They don't need the support of the forum once they transition. And this, I suspect, is why we have very few younger members here. The young folks have already moved beyond the need for this.

My point? You have to raise a child for the world that (s)he will live in, not the world Grandpa lived in, or the one Grandpa is deluded enough to think still exists out there.

[Krisi]

You probably read that on the Internet. In the "old days", information was published in books and it was checked before being published. The Internet has made it possible for anyone to claim just about anything and present it as fact. The "gender binary" is not going away anytime soon. It's been around since the beginning of time.

[Tracii G]

Leave the kid alone and don't read too much into it.
At 3 he has no real concept or male and female much less a way to express it verbally to a gender therapist.
Kids change on a weekly basis they will like something one week next week its something else.
As a CD yourself at least you know the signs to watch for as he starts growing older then you can intervene and help guide him.
Best to let him be a kid and grow up like other kids.

[jigna]

It is their life. Let them decide.

[CONSUELO]

Just be protective of the child and let him develop. Being told that certain behaviours were reserved for girls and others for boys was very confusing for me when I was small. I found it rather frightening and learned very early to suppress aspects of my character. I hope t.hat you can protect him from harmful comments by adults who don't understand

[ChristinaK]

I say, let him be who he wants. We have such richer lives than muggle men, don't we? A little training on appropriate times to be a boy might be warranted so he doesn't have to suffer in Kindergarten. Good for him. Just think how much he'll understand and empathize with you later.

[suchacutie]

There is a reason that we remember very little from our early childhood as our brains are changing rapidly. The only way he will know about his actions at this age is if someone tells him about it layer in life. Now is the time to let him explore, and for you simply to be observant. It will be a couple of years before any preference is seen, and socialization in school will play a role as well. He is lucky to have parents who are alert to the possibilities.

[OCCarly]

You probably read that on the Internet. In the "old days", information was published in books and it was checked before being published. The Internet has made it possible for anyone to claim just about anything and present it as fact. The "gender binary" is not going away anytime soon. It's been around since the beginning of time.

Actually it was an online article in Fortune magazine. http://fortune.com/2015/06/29/gender-fluid-binary-companies/Money talks. As for the gender binary, it has been around in the European/Judeo-Christian tradition since the beginning of time. However, that is just not true of other societies. My wife comes from a tribal tradition (Malay/Cebuano) that has recognized four genders since the beginning of time. Then there are the American Indian tribes that recognize "two spirit" people. Sorry, but the gender binary is just not universal, and nonbinary concepts have originated independently in entirely separate parts of the world. The fact that these tribes have been forcibly "Christianized" does not make the gender binary any more valid.