Name calling from SO?

[Alexa Lynne]

Just wondering if anyone has had their SO make fun of them, calling you names such as "hoochie, funny looking, etc"? I am about to literally snap and go off on my SO if she doesnt stop this crap.

[Eryn]

Perhaps it might be better to sit down with your SO and explain how her teasing makes you feel. "Going off" on her is not an adult way to approach the situation.

[Alexa Lynne]

No it may not be the adult way to do it but i have tried to talk to her. I told her that it hurts that she calls me those names but it doesnt help. There is only so much someone can take.

[Robert]

Do you know why she is doing this? Does she think it is funny or is she being intentionally hurtful?

[pamela7]

"hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" ... if she resents your dressed, feels that it means your less attracted to her, feels rejected ... then it will only get worse unless you can

1. man up, be strong and make her behave (she wants also to know ur still a man)
2. show you're still attracted to her, not to your reflection

[Alexa Lynne]

I am still attracted to her and i still love her. I want to stay married to her.

[Nancy Sue]

People often lash out at things and concepts they do not know, and do not understand, because they fear them.

I read your profile, and if it took you 15-16 years to figure yourself out (or at least as much of it as you have figured out so far - and I promise you much more understanding will come next week, next month, next year, and in the years after that, too) - why would you think your wife would accept this with an hour talk, or in a week, or a month, or even in a year? You found this site only a month ago, and while you may have learned a lot, and think you have learned something (and I am sure you have) - you will also learn more, and more, as you continue to read more threads. I also was glad to have found this site at a month, and had learned so much I was very happy with it. That was three and a half years ago, and I keep coming back, reading more threads, and learning. It did not come to you quickly, so don't expect her to come to the same place in a month, or two, or?

[stefan37]

You have a loong road ahead.

You are all over the place. You told her you need to transition. You cheated on her. Frankly I'm surprised she is still with you. If you are to have any shot at saving your marriage or at a minimum staying friends. You need to communicate with her in a respectful manner. She's had an awful lot of life changing events thrown at her in a very short time. Give her time to process them. She needs support even more than you. Anger is an emotion you can expect to see rear it's head often and unexpectedly.

Patience is the what will work. If you lack it. You had better learn to develop it. It is by far the most important characteristic you can possess for transition.
You should seek couples therapy. Sooner than later.

[Marcelle]

Hi Mackenzie,

The unfortunate thing about what we do and relationships is that there are only two possible outcomes: (1) Acceptance by an SO on some level; or (2) The relationship dissolves.

Now that you have informed her, she needs time to process and from your posts, you have dropped a lot on her in one fell swoop. I am assuming you told her about seeking HRT? None of us can expect our SO to just bat an eye on such a revelation and go "Hmmm, okay . . . want to go shopping and get our hair done?" . . . this is a fantasy at best. Can you get to that point where your wife accepts you, supports you and even goes out with you? It is possible but it takes time and much communication on both parts. You are not at the point, indeed what I have read, you are just laying down the rules with little consideration for what your SO is feeling. Now don't get me wrong, if this is something you need to do (transition) then the road ahead is clear but it still doesn't stop you from communicating it in a polite and caring manner to your SO. Perhaps something along the lines of "I just want you to know it has nothing to do with you, it is the way I am and I can't change that. I love you, always will and want nothing more than for you to stay with me. However if it is a bridge too far, I understand but I hope we can remain friends as your support would help me immensely."

Remember Mackenzie, you are not just telling your SO you want to dress like a woman now and then, you are telling her you want to be a woman. That can be a huge blow to one's self esteem not to mention, confusing and what I am sure are feelings of betrayal, anger, frustration and wasted time. Her lashing out with name calling is probably her way of hurting you in the same manner she feels hurt by you. Is that adult behavior? No, but then again when we are emotionally hurt, we seldom act mature and sink to our base emotional responses. So, before "going off on her" take some time to see it from her perspective as it is not just about you or for that matter just about her . . . there are two equal partners in your relationship and both deserve respect . . . keep that in mind. For if you don't any hope you have of retaining any type of relationship with your SO will be lost.

Cheers

Isha

[Megan G]

Mackenzie,

You have been given some very good advice. As Stefan mentioned you are all over the place and have a long road ahead of you. Transition is measured in years and acceptance is one part of that.

Currently you have your family and spouse going off on you. You have dropped a huge bomb on them and they need some time to process this. Their acceptance may come in a month, a year or it may never happen. This this the reality of transition, it can be a very painful process.

You need to slow down, allow them time to process what you have told them.

Megan

[Jenniferathome]

I am still attracted to her and i still love her. I want to stay married to her.

and yet you have told her that you plan to transition into a woman. Do you think marriage is realistic? She's pissed and rightfully so but also confused. Perhaps if you talk to her about your realistic futures,she may learn to deal with better.

[Teresa]

It's her way of dealing with your CDing !
My wife has the occasional tease but usually it's stronger language and more to the point ! You could say I'm not happy about it or to use stronger language totally ****** off !
I very rarely go back at her but we both know I could devastate her if I really let rip ! Again we both know it would totally destroy everything and yet she keeps on pushing it by making some very hurtful comments , I still feel she's using Cding as an excuse to vent on me . I just wish she would be honest and tell me what she'd prepared to live with instead of jibing all the time !

[alwayshave]

My fiancee teases me from time to time, but it is in good nature.

[Nadine Spirit]

Hi Mackenzie,

I don't mean it to be rude, though I know it will sound that way, but are you dressing in a "hoochie" manner? There are times when many of us dress in an overly sexualized version of a woman. Sometimes this can be bothersome to some women.

Though it doesn't sound as though the manner in which you are dressing is bothersome to your wife. It sounds more like she is bothered with you. There are obviously lots of emotions that are occurring within both of you.

Good luck.

[Momarie]

PAMELA7

"hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" ...
1. man up, be strong and make her behave (she wants also to know ur still a man)


MAKE HER BEHAVE?
WTF?
I am AMAZED when guys like you, while posturing as women, spew such misogynistic horse sh*t.

And it makes me wonder just HOW you would go about "making a woman behave".

[Badtranny]

Holy moly Mack, you are all over the place with your posts.

If what you're posting lately is the truth, then I can tell you in no uncertain terms that you are not ready to attempt a gender transition.

You don't know who you are, and if you do you certainly don't accept it. Your skin is waaaaaaay to thin to deal with even the lowest of hurdles with any sort of panache. Your wife is not accepting and definitely not understanding of your intentions.

That's just off the top of my head. You may say I'm wrong and you may say I'm out of line, but all I know about you is what you've shared with us.

[Dana44]

Actually it is her way of welcoming you into her womanhood. Did you ever call her Hun or Pookins or something like that. It is a nice way of referring to you. She probably doesn't want to call you by your feminine name. That is probably what you need to address. My SO will never call me by my fem name and has said so. I can't truly understand that, but it is what it is.

[Joni T]

Mac,
Maybe it's time for Nicole to take a hiatus or a sabbatical and get your own life straight first. If you want to save your marriage, that might be a first step, and then maybe some counciling for the BOTH of you. You CAN make it work, but only if YOU want it to. There's going to be a LOT of give-and-take, with you mostly giving at first. Good luck to you, Sir, or Ma'am.
Jon

[PaulaQ]

You are not likely to save your marriage should you transition. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but this is a cruel old world we live in. If this is the worst you experience from her, you are lucky.

She's lashing out at you because she's in pain.

I know you still love her, but from her perspective, this is all a nightmare she'd like to end.

I wish you well, and I sincerely hope I'm wrong, but you need to prepare yourself emotionally for the chance that your marriage may end, and possibly soon. I know it's hard to take, and she shouldn't call you names, but also remember her pain.

Nothing she's done so far suggests the two of you will make it. People can come around - it happens. But the odds are not great. You need to prepare yourself if the two of you don't make it. Look at the bigger, longer term picture. You may be the only one of the two of you to do that. I know this is all very painful, but you can grieve over it later. For now, focus on survival.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Mackenzie, See line #3 in my signature, ~~~~~~~~~~~:daydreaming:It may not end well for you.:daydreaming:

[char GG]

Do you get the feeling that she is unhappy with you?

[MissTee]

Worst my supportive wife has done is call me eccentric. I mildly protested, and then she proclaimed I owned more panties than she did and if that's not eccentric then what is it. Guess she has a good point.

[Krisi]

My wife referred to me as "her wife" the other day. Not to anyone, just in conversation with me. She was smiling when she said it.

In your case, that's not what someone who loves her mate would say. Sit down and talk to her. Tell her this sort of thing bothers you and it's not a sign of her love. It's possible that this is a sign that your marriage is in trouble. You may have to cut back on your dressing for a while.

[kimdl93]

I agree with Erin's comment. Behave as an adult and ask for a civil conversation.

[PaulaQ]

Explaining how this makes you feel when she calls you names is a good idea. Just understand that in her mind, what she feels you are putting her through (because I promise you it will be all about her), trumps your feelings. Unfortunately, I experienced this as well. Being told I had no right to wear my wedding ring the month after I came out to my wife was heart-breaking.

Try to take the high road where possible. I only really lost my temper with my wife one time before we separated. We were trying to negotiate some type of fair settlement, and in frustration after refusal after refusal, I literally offered her everything we had. This was insufficient for her, and that angered me. She wanted everything I'd EVER have in the future. That really, really angered me.

Losing my temper, though, only made subsequent discussions worse.

[Amy Fakley]

I have an amazing relationship with my wife, who is really quite accepting (even encouraging at times). Even in a great relationship, fights happen. Name calling, and the saying of all manner of hurtful things (that usually aren't really meant) is part of that. It's the reality of living in a relationship with a bona-fide human being.

Yes, it hurts like a bitch! When my SO gets that pissed off and starts dropping "t-bombs", It feels like having my still beating heart ripped from my chest Indiana Jones style. To me, that sort of verbal abuse, it is truly one of the most hurtful things in the world.

It's awful. To put it in perspective, its probably about as awful as having your husband confess to you that he is, in fact a girl inside his own head ...

but then we work it out. We find a way to see things from the other's perspective. Compromises are made by one or both of us, and we find common ground. We forgive. We move on. Maybe we engage in awesome makeup nookie, lol.

this too, is part of being in a healthy relationship.

Perhaps couples councelling could help to preserve your marriage? Be prepared to compromise ...

[PaulaQ]

Perhaps couples councelling could help to preserve your marriage? Be prepared to compromise ...

The problem is, she wants to transition. There's really no compromising in such a case.

So the spouse is the one who gets stuck compromising, which boils down to:
1. Deal with it somehow
2. Terminate the relationship

There isn't a bunch of wiggle room here, unfortunately, for the person in transition. They do what they have to do.

[Amy Fakley]

Any relationship with where only one partner Compromises, is by definition abusive, whether or not a transition is involved.

I am merely suggesting that this approach ought to be considered, and that professional consultation might be helpful ... since the op stated she'd like to remain married.

that's all ... the op is the only one who can really know what's up. I'm just shootin' in from my internet sideline :-)

[suchacutie]

If your wife does not want to be married to a woman, this is a non-starter. If she's made it clear that you, as a woman, are an unacceptable marriage partner, get legal council and take care of ending the marriage before you transition. Everyone will better respect you, I am sure.

[PaulaQ]

Some situations don't allow for compromise:
"I have a serious illness"
"I've fallen in love with someone else"
"I'm transitioning."

Some things simply are difficult situations where your only option, if any, really boils down to:
1. Do I stay?
2. Do I go?

In my case, with my transition, my choices were:
1. Do I transition and live?
2. Do I try to avoid it, and commit suicide instead?

It wasn't much of a choice for me, and it really was that serious. There is literally nothing on this earth that I fear more than the feelings of dysphoria I had. Nothing. No torture, no illness, no loss. Nothing. My choice was "transition, or die."

It just didn't allow for much compromise. My wife chose the option of telling me to leave. Again, not much of a compromise.

[kimdl93]

I've read your posts, beginning with the first dated 6/24/15. And as others have said, I'm afraid you are racing way ahead of yourself. In that first post, you told your wife you might want to be a girl. Just a couple days after that, you come out to your mom and brother, then a few days later you post that your wife was having problems with this new information. And still, just a day or two later , you get your ears pierced. And now, your wife is expressing her anger.

This all in little more than two weeks time.

Many of us have been CDrs since childhood. And many of us have come, over years, to understand, realize or finally acknowledge that we are transgendered. But those of us who have somewhat successfully navigated ourselves through this process have exercised much greater caution and discretion in when, how and who we come out to. And we have gotten professional counseling to better understand ourselves, before we started making potentially destructive or irreversible changes to our relationships or our bodies.

You have gone too far too fast, IMHO. I suspect that you are experiencing the euphoric lapse of judgment referred to as pink fog. Continue rushing ahead at your peril.

Instead, I advise you to stop and make a realistic appraisal of your life with the help of a competent professional counselor.

[Michelle_Diane]

I've been called "Mildred" "Gertrude" "Penny-wenny" by my wife. I wasn't dressed in any way shape of form but I had grown my hair out for a charity. It was about 18" long and she would make snide comments like "Well Mildred isn't it time you got your hair cut?". Of course she got really pi***d when one day in a shop parking lot an elderly lady commented on how much alike we looked and asked if we were mother and daughter I didn't know what to say so I just said "No we're just friends" smiled and walked on....FAST.

[Stephanie47]

Sometimes you cannot have your cake and eat it too! Is she still the woman you married, aside from the barbs? Are you the man she married? It seems you and your wife lack appropriate communication skills for dealing with this. How do you think most women will react when their husbands announce they want to transition to being a woman? I suggest you go to counseling to find out exactly where you are headed, whether or not your wife comes along for the ride.



I am still attracted to her and i still love her. I want to stay married to her.

[BillieJoEllen]

I try never to get involved in a situation where we argue because she always brings up my CDing. She doesn't always call me names but she will holler her replies as loud as she can. This is very troubling for me because if we argue in the summer time the windows will be open and I know some or the neighbors can hear. There have been some troubling times.

[alice clair]

my wife sometimes calls me a bitch or says I am a bad wife but that's OK with me. At least she calls me something I like. But I try to be a good wife and a good husband but mostly a wife. She likes me that way.

[Maria 60]

I believe my wife uses it when she wants something. Like she will say "why is it OK for that Maria bi$&h to do that". Stuff like that

[MelanieAnne]

This isn't going to end well.