Seeking a little help and advise...

[Heelios]

Hi everyone,

It's early days here for me so I hope you mind me asking for some advise.

I have been a closeted CD now for a very long time and I have admitted to a few friends and my girlfriend what I do but have never really followed it up or continued talking about it. I am trying to come to terms with it and recently realised that I need to accept it and I bored of the cycle of going from really enjoying it to hating it and sometimes purging all my clothes and shoes in disgust only to buy more a few weeks/months later (it seems this is a common thing amongst us!).

My girlfriend and I are going through a bit of a rough patch right now which is not directly related to my cding - we both have communication issues we need to resolve but that is another story. I tried to explain to her about how I feel right now (i.e. What I have written in the previous paragraph) but I just ended up getting very frustrated with myself because I struggled to find the words to express myself. I find it incredibly hard to talk about because of how long it's been bottled up inside. She has suggested that's I seek counselling because I feel so confused about it and it never really occurred to me that it could help. So I'm wondering what other people's experiences are and whether or not it helped?

Also, and this is probably aimed more at UK based folk - are there any counselling services that come recommended? I think it is obvious that I need to seek counselling or therapy specifically for the cd/TV and the Internet has thrown up a few suggestions but I just wondered if anyone can recommend somewhere they have had good experiences in this sort of thing? I know that counselling is a very personal thing so finding the right person to talk to might take a bit of time.

The point at which I made the realisation that I need to start accepting this myself I felt really good and positive about it but my gf was away working. I felt like when she returned that I would be able to express myself in a strong positive way but as soon as it came to talking about it I fell apart, mumbled my words, got mad at myself and have been left with a horrible knot in my stomach and that feeling of paranoia that makes me wonder whether I can be bothered and I want it to all go away (which of course it won't!).

So I think she is right in telling me to seek counselling. I'm just not sure where to begin...

[Marcelle]

Hello Hellios,

I am not from the UK so I cannot speak to services available in your neck of the woods but, I can speak to counseling and how it related to me. I am what we refer to as a late bloomer in that I probably knew all my life that I was TG but suppressed and hid it from my adult life (although I did dabble once when I was 17). I spent 32 years in the military (still am serving) in a very mucho macho field in an effort to exert my manliness but over time the bottling up of things became and emotional roller coaster to the point where I became confused, despondent, depressed and entering a very bad place. My marriage of 25 years was floundering and I had no choice but to come clean to my wife. I immediately sought counseling because I did not have an idea what was going in. That lead me to a wonderful therapist who specializes in gender identity issues whom I have been working with for over a year now. She does not judge, make assumptions but merely guides me along this journey which has helped bring order to chaos and allowed me to integrate this part of me into my public, private and professional life (BTW, I am still with my wife who is fully supportive).

The best advice about counseling: (1) not all therapists are created equal and you really need someone who is schooled in gender identity issues; (2) do your homework and find a reputable counselor and I would suggest finding a local TG support group to link in to as they might have references; and (3) you only get what you put in to counseling so you have to prepare to be open, honest and go to places where you might not like. In the end, counseling is about self discovery, not curing or providing you with a million dollar solution. As you know, this will never go away and you have to find balance . . . that is what your therapist should do for you.

As an aside, should you feel like purging again . . . just buy some storage bins and box your "femme self" . . . it is less expensive and you will thank yourself later. :)

Cheers

Isha

[Katey888]

Hi Heelios,

Sorry to hear about your problems but in truth I think many relationships go through tough patches with or without this extra complexity thrown in... so, observations and experiences...

Firstly, not all your issues may be to do with the CDing - sure it doesn't help, but there are always a lot of other stresses on relationships, however, the fact that this has come up between you suggests it's probably playing a part, so counselling would be a good start to try and tease out where the issues lie. :)

Secondly, if you have any sort of health insurance it may be worth checking what counselling options are available (not sure if you're employed or self-employed) - this will probably give you more access to a wider variety of skills than the NHS, but if all else fails, speak to your GP who may have direct access to a basic counselling service, although I believe most GP practices now are referring folk to NHS phone-based and online services (yes, it's official! You can self-diagnose and self-help online with NHS at the same time as ordering your groceries and doing the lottery... :facepalm:) Hopefully you'll have a GP with what's called 'talking therapy' - I'd suggest you go with this first as I'm not entirely sure trying to find a TG-aware shrink is the right thing for many of us... and will probably be a lot harder to find... Generic counselling can help a lot and if your CD-issues are not significant then you may find resolving other problem areas helps your communication and feelings in general.

If your GP doesn't provide access to real people I'm afraid I couldn't recommend the online thing for us - it has a bit of a CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) spin to it and I'm unconvinced that what we need is behavioural training... but it's free, although personally at that point I would recommend going private and finding a local counsellor who comes recommended. Given the high LGBT presence in and around Manchester, local LGBT groups might be able to help with a recommendation of some suitable options.

Finally - try to keep faith in your self-acceptance that this isn't a bad thing you (we) suffer from... It's just a weird thing in a 'normal' context but most of us have completely normal lives without having our proclivity for all things femme and fashionable get too much in the way of life... :hugs:

Feel free to PM me if you wanted to discuss more privately. :)

Katey x

[Donnagirl]

Heelios,
Can I add my weight to the comments offered by Katey and Isha... I'm also way to far away to offer specifics but can also talk to the benifits a good counsellor provides. I tried several, some work sponsored, one supposedly experienced... I ended up with a work colleague who is trained in occupational counselling but skilled enough to adapt to my requirements. She has even had a few sessions with my wife to help her through...
Ten months ago a I was a mess of moods, euphoria to depression, pink fog happiness to wall punching self destruction... A clear and present danger to my marriage, my job, myself. A top of the line psychiatrist, great doctor and understanding counsellor literally saved me...
There will be a local support group, will be a local specialist. Make the effort to find them and use them to locate the specialist help. Once there, open up.... Hide nothing, from your counsellor or yourself. It hard bit the rewards are worth it...
Good luck.... Keep us posted on your progress.

Hugs,

Donna

[Shelly Preston]

I am from the UK. You might find it difficult but I would start with your GP.

They will be able to refer you to a counselor. Please make sure they know you need someone who understands transgendered issues.

Support groups can be useful some may even be giving out leaflets at sparkle this Saturday (Sackville Gardens, Manchester).

[Krisi]

If your girlfriend suggested that you seek counseling to deal with your crossdressing, she is probably thinking the counseling will cause you to stop crossdressing. If that's your goal, go ahead and do it. And yes, you can stop if you really want to. Nobody is putting a gun to your head.

If you don't want to stop crossdressing, you may need a different girlfriend, one who can accept your "hobby".

[jigna]

I suggest you do self counselling.

[Heelios]

Thanks for all the advise girls - I appreciate it. Having had a few days to think about I'm not 100% sure I need counselling. Part of the reason I got so down was because of the issues between me and my gf and whilst we haven't really discussed it because we've been ships passing in the night I have spent a lot of time thinking and getting things in perspective. We both need to work on our communication skills and I need to be more sensitive towards her. And of course there is the cding issue. I said to her I was confused about it but being in a bit of state didn't explain much further so naturally she thinks professional help is the way forward. But what I am confused about is why I feel like I do about cding and what I have realised through reading a lot of material on the subject is that know one really knows why. I just need to accept it and I'd like her to too but that's means sitting down and explaining exactly where I am at with it and where I think I'd like to go. Still in the process of working that out myself but I'm not sure I need counselling for it. I've got a doctors appointments booked and applied for the free service at lgbt foundation but the waiting lists are long so I have got time to think about it.

[Katey888]

Taking your time over anything like this is probably a good thing... and of course, most of us go through periods of wondering what and why this crazy desire is, often to no great benefit, but I can completely understand the need to know in order to better explain it to others. I think that's where a sympathetic and objective counsellor can help by getting you to talk about your feelings and needs in a safe environment, and helping you make progress in your self-understanding, but clearly not too many folk understand very much about us as a collective (if that's possible) which is why so many of us end up here and seem to endlessly discuss the 'why' of this... :)

Just take your time - keep talking, don't be rushed, and try not to feel like you have make rapid progress of any sort... :hugs:

Katey x

[Nikkilovesdresses]

I can't tell you who you should see, but I'm certainly an advocate for counselling- it was immensely helpful for me on several occasions. You're right to be open to trying several- if you really don't click with one straight away, don't let it put you off. The right person is out there for you, and it may take a while to find them.

Your attempt to communicate, with the knot in the stomach, isn't a bad thing, any more than a baby tripping over is a bad thing. Learning to deal with our feelings is probably the hardest thing we ever do.

Very best of luck!

[immike]

I suggest you look into online counseling,with Skype.You can stay home&hook up with your psychologist by Skype

[pamela7]

the Beaumont Society can help ... easily found and joined.

[Sarah Doepner]

I've been doing self-counseling for years and it has helped, a little. I just started working with a professional who understands gender identity issues and I don't feel any better. In fact I'm feeling worse because my previous counselor (me) couldn't see the forest for the trees. I'm now faced with a whole new list of questions and insights, all of them valid, and no good answers, yet. I've been dealing with this for better than 50 years and probably could have benefitted from this kind of support much earlier, if it had been available. There is better understanding now, so I'd find someone to talk to about your Trans* experience.

And you are correct in suggesting the Gender Identity and communications issues are different and both need to be addressed for your relationship to thrive.

[Heelios]

Counselling has been sought - intro session this evening. On the relationship front we had a long chat about a load of stuff including me crossdressing but we have yet to see how it all pans out - hopefully for the better but there needs to work done by both of us.