When did you know??

[cdsara]

When did you know you were more than a crossdresser? I have always had an internal struggle of what I am and I am trying to figure it out. Did most of you know forever or did it grow more as you got older?

[Lorileah]

Forever...it became imperative later

[Stephania]

Pretty much forever. I was 5 or 6 when I was secretly dressing. I knew I felt different. Just didn't quite know what it was.

[Megan G]

When did I know that I was more that a crossdresser?

i would have to echo the answers above and say forever BUT that answer did not really come until I stopped denying my true feelings and started being honest with myself.

Megan

[becky77]

Forever but took along time to accept it.

[STACY B]

I agree with all answers so far,, In other words me too,,lol,,,

[Kathryn Martin]

I was never a crossdresser. I just transitioned and threw out my old clothes after I bought a new wardrobe.

[cdsara]

I started about 5 the grade I realized I didn't like myself and have allways wished i was born a girl instead. Once I started cding I was much happier but hated changing back for life. Then therapy made me start thinking.

[Dianne S]

Unlike the previous responses, I haven't known forever. The short answer is that I had an epiphany in December, 2013. It was like a switch clicking on in my brain and I understood "Yes, this is who I want to live as."

The longer answer is that I probably did have flashes of insight going back to as young as 6 or 7, but at first I didn't really understand them and afterwards I suppressed them.

It's also a bit dangerous to assume that people who say "I've known forever" are not projecting backwards on their younger selves the realizations that only came later. I think that's why the standard narrative is "I've known forever" and why some people are a little suspicious of (or confused by?) late-bloomers who only realized it much later.

[stefan37]

I had the thought since I was very young I should have been born female. Seeing the trailer for the Christine Jorgensen movie somehow clicked. At 12 years old mom would not let me see it. As I grew older I was able to suppress the feelings. It was the only way to avoid humiliation and beatings. I crossdressed and that was enough for the most part. I knew it was a part of me and told the 2 women I got serious. The last became my wife for the last 31 years. I finally reached the point for reasons unknown I had to transition. The rest is history.

[Jennifer-GWN]

Count me in on the forever camp. It took a long time to see it become a reality and in the process reaching a very deep and dark place. Digging out and moving on was the only option short of a lack of existence.

[Angela Campbell]

My earliest memories were of thinking I was supposed to be a girl. The thing is at the very young age I really did not understand it, but was in fact dealing with the desire to be a girl. I began trying on my moms clothes and playing make believe about being a girl very young at around 4 or so. I grew up dressing in various items when I could, and never really understood why.
Learning about a "sex change" was probably another turning point in my life. It was when I heard about Rene' Richards. I knew then that this is what I wanted, but it went in under the file of "my wildest dreams".
It wasn't until I was in my 50's that I finally overcame the fear and decided to do whatever it takes to transition.

[kimdl93]

Honestly, I've always known. Before I knew what 'it' was. Later, each time I saw a public story about a transsexual person, I saw myself in them, and I was frightened to admit it.

Angela mentions Renee Richards. I recall her as well...and the fear that people could see what I was hiding, after learning her story.

[Angela Campbell]

Oh my god Kim.... Yes when it was all over the news everyone around me was laughing and saying the most awful comments, while I had to act as if I wasn't interested. It would have been worse than death for anyone to know I was like that.

[Zooey]

Forever, but I didn't realize it for a long time. That's largely because I didn't really understand my feelings on the matter, nor was I comfortable with the consequences of accepting them. Over time, through lots of life and therapy, those issues went away. Here I am.

To be totally honest, the last vestiges of thinking/hoping I might "just be a crossdresser" went away pretty quickly after I started spending time around crossdressers.

[Starling]

I wish I could say that, after a life spent in purely manly pursuits, I sprang as a full-grown woman from the head of Zeus, but I'm not even Greek. I started pretending in childhood that I was a girl, and dressing with odds and ends when I could. Then later I started buying clothes and spending more time dressing in the closet--and hating myself for doing it. It was always in me; and there was no causal event I could ever put my finger on, so I imagined all sorts of crazy s**t, which added up to my being a horrible monster. Yet discovering the real truth about myself late in life has been both a blessing and a curse. I finally achieved the psychological/spiritual integration I've sought my whole life, and vanquished the shame I always felt, but it's a danger to every other good in my life: health, love, work and creature comfort. And the process is taking so damn long...

:) Lallie

[I Am Paula]

I used denial, and the excuse that I was 'Just a crossdresser' for years. I was desperately seeking a balance, where I wouldn't have to go any further. From occasional CDing, years ago, it escalated until I could not deny I was full time, and that still wasn't quelling the need. Actually, full time made it worse, I'd look in the mirror, see a woman, and know it still didn't feel right. A lifetime of stopgap measures, when I could have gotten it right in the first place.

[karenpayneoregon]

Actually, never considered myself a cross dresser, always felt female from a very early age which was around 6 years old.

[Dianne S]

To be totally honest, the last vestiges of thinking/hoping I might "just be a crossdresser" went away pretty quickly after I started spending time around crossdressers.

Oh, yes, I can identify with that. Both in real-life hanging around CDers and transgender people, and on this forum, I quickly discovered I had much more in common with transsexuals than CDers. I mean, you can only listen to so many stories about great skirts, heels, exciting clandestine adventures, where to hide your stash, etc. before you nod off from boredom.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Forever, but I didn't realize it for a long time. That's largely because I didn't really understand my feelings on the matter, nor was I comfortable with the consequences of accepting them. Over time, through lots of life and therapy, those issues went away. Here I am.

To be totally honest, the last vestiges of thinking/hoping I might "just be a crossdresser" went away pretty quickly after I started spending time around crossdressers.

me too..

on both counts.


I always advise people to spend time in therapy groups if possible.. getting first hand person to person contact to share experience can really help everybody

[Eringirl]

Yup, I am with Kaitlyn, Zooey and Diane.

[I Am Paula]

To be totally honest, the last vestiges of thinking/hoping I might "just be a crossdresser" went away pretty quickly after I started spending time around crossdressers.

When I first started going out in public, I went with a group. It was pretty well divided into CDers, and those transitioning, or about to. I immediately felt more comfortable with the latter. The CDers talked about the external-forms, makeup, pantyhose, and the transsexuals discussed feelings, politics, HRT and the like. Nothing wrong with either camp, just felt more at home in one than the other.

[Emma Beth]

For most of my life I was ignorant of the reality of myself.

I've always known that something was wrong with me; but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't put my finger on what was wrong with me.

I can look back and say that I've always felt this way about myself, but I was in denial and thought that my feelings about myself were nothing more than fantasy.

Neither of these factors seemed connected to each other until a little over three years ago; I was doing some research on something for my writing and things just kind of fell into place and the pieces fit together as I discovered more and more about GD.

It's amazing how powerful thinking about this is for me. After I finish this, I will need to fix my makeup.

[cdsara]

I have just been wondering. If I wish to be a girl, am I a TS or CD? I always thought I was just CD. But I would give about anything to be a girl! Alas I have a family that i love and business that would be ruined by me transitioning.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

well as it turns out you actually would not give about anything to be a girl..
unfortuntunately for many transsexuals the cost to live authentically are very high.

you will find out your fate over time...if you are transsexual, this will not be the end of it, it will not be something you can just shoo away

[MsVal]

A couple years ago, in my early 60s I began to "connect the dots" in my life. The image that appeared showed that I was under the TG umbrella, at least a CD, perhaps even TS, and had been for quite a while. I had been so busy doing for others that I was unaware of my own needs.

With more than a year of therapy behind me, it's become apparent that I am not the "plain vanilla" CD I thought (hoped) I was.

Best wishes
MsVal

[Amy1980]

i knew back in december. i have been real depressed the last 5 years of my life. after my second marriage ended my life went tragic turn of misfortune. i lost all my friends and found it was hard to make new friends because i could not trust anymore i consumed all my time with work. i worked a job where i was the maneger over 4 employees all 4 new i was a crossdresser. 3 where gay and one was a FTM this made it easy to conversaite with them. as i did reshearch to understand my friends FTM i learned more about myself. The more i tought about it i made plans in my head to pursue a HRT I was so dpressed before hand that i would never smile and i would wakeup all gloomed. after i found my answers i started to show up to work with a smile on my face. my employees noticed how happier i seamed. i woke up actually excited to start my days. as i noticed how happy i was with the tought of changing my life i knew i was makeing the right desision.

[Christina Kay]

Always knew, always tried to wish it away at times. But just knew it,all those years. Now that I've accepted myself . I know who I am becoming. With Therapy and HRT. I'm finally finding that peace , I've sought out my whole life.
Hugs Christina:battingeyelashes:

[Rianna Humble]

I would give about anything to be a girl! Alas I have a family that i love and business that would be ruined by me transitioning.

This is a good illustration of what we mean when we say do not transition if you do not need to. At the moment, your family and your business are more important to you than any possible need to live 24/7/365.25 as a woman. In these circumstances and until your priorities change, transition would almost certainly be a mistake because of the losses that you are not willing to risk.

Please understand that I am not condemning you, merely pointing out that transition is rarely successful if there are things that we prize more than the goal of fully living as the woman that we know ourselves to be (or man for an FtM).

May I suggest that you find a reputable Gender Therapist and spend some time exploring these feelings and priorities with them?

[MonicaJean]

in my situation, I stopped cross-dressing when I was 25, a miraculous story I'll spare you all the details. when I turned 43 it dawned on me that the depression, the numbness, the loneliness, isolation, constant identifying with everything female... Even though I still did not want to put on a single item or female clothing, it dawned on me that I might be a lot more then just a crossdresser.

Even after my admission to myself of being transgender it still took me a good 4 to 6 months after that moment to start accepting myself wearing women's clothes. the shame and guilt from the dreaded binge, shame, purge cycle was firmly entrenched in my brain. I can finally wear clothing without any guilt or shame and finally start living part time to feel like myself now, it's been a two year cycle of realization, identification, and moving forward.


If you would have told me 20 years ago when I stopped crossdressing that in 20 years I would be transitioning I would have laughed in your face. But my my oh my how time changes things!

[Jennifer Marie P.]

Forever since I was 5 it was me

[cdsara]

Rianna thank you, I have a therapist and we are trying to deal with it but I need to be honest with myself and her and really talk about what I am feeling. I have been in denial for so long its hard to accept it. Its strange how we lie to ourselves and try to convince ourselves of these matters. I appreciate everyone's input and look forward talking to you more. I wish we had a group here that I could go to. I went to a couple meetings then they just kinda quit. I guess there wasn't enough interest.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

that all sounds constructive and getting this out in the world by talking about it can really help you understand how you feel..

if you are transsexual you have lived alone inside your head for your entire life.. it sucks.... so saying it, and sharing it has real impact and you can make decisions and plans based on better information if you can openly share even with just a therapist or another person.

because its all been inside you it can feel unreal and that leads to inaction which can lead to feeling trapped and cornered, and aims the transsexual's life towards gender dysphoria and all its glorious dysfunction.

the prize is no gender dysphoria or at least minimizing it... female expression and sharing your true nature are good starts

[Marcelle]

Hi Sarah,

Well, in working with my therapist, I guess I knew I was different when I was young but then again it could have just been a young child exploring gender identity and what it means to be a boy vice a girl (i.e., I liked my sister's clothing more than mine) but I never acted on it until I was 17 (dressed as a girl for the first and last time). Afterwards I spent 32 years building a life in the military and a relationship with my wife. It all came crashing down on me in whirlwind of anger, aggression, shame and depression close to two years ago. I started therapy and hence my journey to where I am now. I have always held that I am TG but clung steadily to the CD moniker as it seemed logical since I did not want to "become" a woman. However as time went on I realized (exactly a few months ago) that while I am not TS I do at times identify as a woman and to not be able to align my outward presentation with my gender identity, I tend to drift back into an anxious emotionally charged individual which can only be alleviated by presenting and interacting with the world as a woman for however long that time takes until I identify male again. So not CD and not TS . . . just stuck in the middle.

Cheers

Isha

[Suzanne F]

I knew at 5 or 6 that I felt left out from the other girls. We would play a game of tag where you had to switch genders if caught. I remember feeling elated when caught that I was right. However, shame would instantly flood in and I would hide. I loved playing with 3 sisters across the street and them dressing me up. Then their mother caught us and sent me home in shame. I buried and hid it until 2 years ago. Any thought of being a woman would be instantly squashed. Only after a turning point in my marriage did the truth finally come out. Once out it could not be controlled! So here I am transitioning and there is no turning back. Yes the truth had to be faced.
Suzanne

[Heidi Stevens]

I knew something about me was different around 12, just about the time you hit puberty. I never fit in with the "jocks" and was a bit of a nerd, so two strikes. As my body developed I found out I was a good swimmer and threw myself into that. This also let me hang for hours at swim meets waiting for your race. I was accepted by the female members more than the guys. But for some reason it felt right to hang with the girls. I also found out about this time that I loved women's clothes.

As time went on, I had to convince myself that I was a guy and did macho things like white water canoe, hike in the mountains, work in construction, etc. All the time I had a nagging feeling that I was not who I appeared to others or me. Years ago I admitted to myself I was a crossdresser, but did not talk to anyone about it.
I started reflecting on my dressing and the associated actions a few years ago. I took note that at any type of gathering, I tended to float towards the ladies, I felt more comfortable with them. I always felt out of place with a group of guys. Even though I probably had done more macho activities than the majority of them. Finally last summer I convinced myself that I was transgendered all along and needed to take steps to ease my mind.
I've gotten on HRT, had months of therapy and came out to my wife since then. I've also found I'm at peace with the way things are for now. I'm not trying to transition for now, out of respect and love for my wife. I know some say to make the leap and a clean break, but like I said, I'm happy the way things are right now. I may transition later, who knows. I'm happy and that's what counts!

[Emogene]

This string has been very helpful and enlightening; even validating.

I too spent a life time doing macho things, being a loner, no emotions or feelings; then at 63 years of age: Golly Bob, Howdy!

Following a major emotional trauma, I suddenly felt compelled to dress for Halloween to surprise my wife of then 35+ years at her place of work. Even then, I didn't know what I was doing or feeling. I had neither the life experience or vocabulary to define my situation.

This is a person that never, and I mean never, wore a costume much less dressed as a female. Anyway, having accumulated a wardrobe I dressed at home and within a few months was strutting my stuff in a casino in Las Vegas. No sexual fetish, just felt better and could feel and have emotions and respond to those feelings and emotions for the first time in my life. Life has not been the same since!

I was feeling a bit alone and unsure of my status in as much as nearly everyone says they have always known, or simply known forever. Nice to know that I am normal (and I do use that term advisedly!)

[Amelie]

I was probably 15 or so when I knew I was different but I am not the brightest crayon in the box so I didn't fully understand who I was. I would like to say like most transsexuals say, that I was always a girl from when young. But I lived in Times Square in NYC and this did play a role in my development, it did influence the path I took. While some might not consider me to be a transsexual but I do. I have become what some would label a *******. I do know this is a derogatory term but it wasn't so much when I lived in Times Square. I got to know w few of the girls and they were happy being somewhere in the middle and they considered themselves a transsexual. Some might call this path a non-op transsexual. That is me. And I first discovered this was who I am when I was 15 or so, when people in my area educated me on life. Maybe they saw who I was before I understood who I was.I was never a crossdresser and I didn't relate to being a female in the birth sense, I met these girls and knew that I was the same as them.

[Jessica EnFemme]

I just remember at age 4 being jealous of my girl playmates from across the street, for some reason.

[kiwidownunder]

I have always had these thoughts/feelings going through my head ,I started dressing very young got very good at hiding it or so it thought
Always felt cheated that I wasn't female and hated my male body
Got married young had 2 children and just dived head first into work,all the while dressing behind her back
I wanted to tell my wife early on but just couldn't and didn't want to upset her or the children
Now after 32 years of marriage my wife knows everything about me, has it been easy NOPE but we are still best friends and I am very thankful for that
So to answer your question Forever

Kiwi

[VanTG]

Probably around age 5 or 6 as many people will probably say.

[MonicaJean]

I have been dwelling on this topic since I first laid eyes on it. The chasm between me stopping crossdressing and me realizing I was truly transgender was about 18 years. It took another year, and this topic, to realize that the first quarter century of my life, I refused to meet with other CD'ers. Although I found myself drawn to those who were TS (this was the early to mid 90s).

Fast forward to around 2010, I still harbored the same 'dont want to hang with CD'ers' mentality yet I was even more drawn to it. Odd.

Only recently have my eyes been opened to this fact: the reason I never wanted to go to any drag shows or CD events is because I wasn't CD, I was TS, but never could understand that fact until this year. It explains why I could never relate to other CD'ers. Back then, I didn't know there was a difference between TS, CD, etc. I just saw it all as bad, shameful, etc....

My how times have changed. I have several TS friends and I've never been more at home talking with them about anything under the sun. It's as if a missing part of me that grew around me like a cage was suddenly removed and now I can live, breathe, experience life to the fullest, including relationships with others like me.

How did I know? At first, between the ages of 4 or 5, then around 12 or 13 when puberty kicked in. Then was I was 43.

Took me 3 times to finally figure it out. Better late than never, right? :)

[Saikotsu]

Unlike most on this thread, I didn't "know" forever. From an early age, I got along well with both boys and girls. My best friends were a brother and sister who lived across the street and I enjoyed time with both of them equally, even though I'd play boy games with the brother and girl games with the sister.

When I moved a few years later and only had interaction with boys my own age, I started thinking about what it would mean to be a girl. How my life and relationships would be different. How my upbringing might have changed had I been a girl. I didn't really dwell on it too much, but it was a nagging feeling often enough that I can look back on it and remember it clearly.

As I got older and played more video games, I was quite religious about alternating between male characters and females in games where I could do so. I would pay great attention to acting and behaving how I figured the character should based on their gender.
At the time, I didn't think much of it, but I think I was practicing for later in life.

It wasn't until college that I suddenly felt the need to experiment. To wear women's clothes. I saw a discarded bra in the laundry room, and suddenly something clicked. I grabbed the bra and ran back up to my apartment and quickly tried it on. (nearly getting caught in the process by my roomate who got out of class early.)

The feeling I got when I put it on, it is hard to describe.
It wasn't sexual, it was just...right. That feeling scared me. I quickly threw it out and pretended like it never happened.

But I had opened a can of worms. Eventually I talked about it with my girlfriend. She ended up being very supportive and actively challenged me to push my boundaries and experiment, until I could figure things out. For the longest time I struggled with feelings of "am I a cross dresser" or "I must be some sort of pervert." it wasn't until I visited a local gender identity center a couple of years later that I was able to sort things out and figure out who and what I was. Who I am. So the short story is I didn't know I was tg until about a year ago.