urge to dress or urge to become female?

[lily1974]

Okay so being new to this forum I have a little question. After I give a little background.

For years now off and on I have dressed in private and was the only one who knew. This past year I had to tell someone so I broke down and outed to my gf. While being supportive for the most part she still has her reserves. She believes if I can't have ladies shoes then my outfit won't be complete. Outfit not complete I am still a man. Of course when I came out to her I also didnt tell her about me being attracted to both men and women. Nor have I told her that I have purchased my own shoes on the side. I will in time but I would like to ease her into it. Daily I find myself more and more wanting to be more femme. The more I dress the more I want to be en femme. I dread going out knowing I can only underdress. Being a small business owner being out right now would not be the best. For me being en femme feels natural. Like its something I was meant to be. Some days I want to say screw it and wear a dress to work, but being in a repeat customer business, its not really an option. I would also like to mention that my attraction towards men is much stronger while en femme. Which really confuses me because in guy mode women are what I find attractive.

Okay so here are my questions.
1 How would you break it to your SO that you are bi?
2 Are my feelings normal as far as en femme vs guy mode?
3 Does any of this make sense to others?

[Nadya]

Hi there! Welcome to the forum. I started on this as a transgender person that was purely a crossdresser but the longer I go through therapy, I'm learning that my dressing comes from a deeper place. Anyway, I'm not sure about your situation but the longer you hold stuff back, the more shocking it could be to the person you tell. I think it's pretty normal to feel like you are attracted to men when dressed if it fulfills some sort of fantasy about being more femme. As of right now, I find that I'm attracted to women. I find males very unattractive. I'm sure you'll find lots of others here that know what you are talking about so you don't have to feel isolated. Good luck with whatever you decide what to do. <3

[bridget thronton]

Being bi does not preclude being monogamous in a committed relationship - it just means you may fall for either sex. It is true that some bisexual people are polyamorous - but it it not mandatory.

[Teresa]

Lily,
Lily before you break the news to your GF about being bi, make sure it's just not one of the fantasies many of us go through, no good getting her upset and risk losing her if it's a passing fantasy.
We may have one thing in common but we all arrive here by different means, I'm attracted to women as a guy and more so when dressed , I prefer to look like my avatar, I have more questions about my gender but age may rule out any major changes !

As for making sense of it all , the forum is full of people still thinking on that one so you're in the right place . I've found that just when you think have the answers the brain takes you off in another direction.

[docrobbysherry]

1. I'm not bi. But, when I began dressing 17 years ago, I wanted to be a woman and had fantasies of being with men. They vanished over 10 years. And, it turns out I'm a CD after all!:heehee:

2. Normal is a term that folks here rarely use. Because no one really is! Trans, vanilla, gay, bi, straight. And, a zillion combos of same. U sound fine to me!

3.Yes. I've read a myriad of posts here similar to yours. U can research them if u like. Once u figure out how!I haven't yet. But, I've only been here for 7 years----:straightface:

[Lorileah]

Welcome Lily

The best thing is to step back and take some stock in where you are and where you are going. On this site the words "Pink fog" is very common and it gets strong and then it ebbs. Do some searches and you will learn a lot here from older threads.

Now about your questions:


.
1 How would you break it to your SO that you are bi? Why would you? Are you dissatisfied with the relationship? Dropping this without prelude will only get you alone. Being bi and being with someone who doesn't know and hasn't brought it up, is really a good reason to not say anything

2 Are my feelings normal as far as en femme vs guy mode? It is a common fantasy, the reality is far different. It is sort of like seeing something and then after you buy it, realize it isn't what you really wanted, but now you own it. When the clothes come off, you aren't a woman being with a man, you are a man with another man. If the only reason you would do that is a dress...reconsider.

3 Does any of this make sense to others? You are going to get a lot of sympatico here on that. It is a common theme here. You are walking a path many before have walked. That is why doing a search and reading older threads will help you.

Again welcome

[lily1974]

Okay I am sorry I was highly unclear on an important fact to ya'll. I say I am bi because I have been with men before. However I have never brought that up to her either. I just tend to find men more attractive dressed as a woman, and vice versus. We have never really talked about our previous partners in detail. I feel she might have the right to know but wonder if it is even worth the risk of the conversation.

Yes I know alot of what I ask probably is in previous threads but like some people I wonder with changing times and situations if things could be a little different between the and now. Then I also know I am not the only one having these feelings so I figure to better ask for clarification.

[Marcelle]

Hi Lily,

I find when you ask a question about telling something to an SO (your GF in this case) about your past on this site, well it is like throwing a rock in a pond . . . there are ripples but none are the same. I am with Lorileah on this one . . . why the need to tell your GF you are bi if you are in love with here, are happy and she is happy who cares about your past sexual partners. I don't recall anywhere in the "relationship handbook" the chapter about "Disclosure of past sexual conquests".

The concept about feeling more attracted to men when dressed as a woman is understandable. You are bi and are attracted to men so when dressed as a woman, it might be a way to help complete the mystique you find about being a woman by being more attracted to men. Is it a bit of a fantasy? Possibly but it could just be your thing when dressed en femme.

Does it make sense? Nothing makes sense about this thing we do but it doesn't mean it is wrong. If you are happy, in a committed relationship and your GF is happy . . . that is all that counts IMHO.

Cheers

Isha

[Nikkilovesdresses]

1. There's a good chance your SO will take the news in her stride...or so it will appear. But it's equally possible that over time her fears, trust issues and perhaps prejudices will rise to the surface. Be prepared that this news could very possibly destroy your relationship.

2. Your feelings are normal for some, unusual for others- but so what? How is this relevant? We're all different. A good guide to what's 'normal' is, could you be arrested for it?

3. Sense? You're asking a tribe of people who dress up as the opposite sex a question like that?? Lily, does much that humans do really make sense?

I'm of the opinion that sometimes keeping one's mouth shut is the best policy. Honesty is all very well, but there are people who get paid to listen, and others who happily do it for free- why blurt all this stuff out to your SO at all?

Have fun- it doesn't need to be neck-achingly serious does it?

[Dana44]

Lily, I'm a BI person in a heterosexual relationship. Love covers all things and if she is in tune with you it might be the best relationship that you can have.

[Lorileah]

suggesting you search past threads was so you could get an idea faster than waiting for people to reply here. I have been here years and I can tell you nothing has changed as far as telling your SO about anything. My concern, and I think the concerns of others is, monogamy. It is the standard. Having a male or female lover, while dressed or not, is not something most SOs. If you are poly or your partner trusts you to be safe and isn't jealous...

My personal feelings are not the standard curve on this. One thing I would want is to know my new SO was safe. In this era that usually means exclusive. Bring being "bi" into the mix muddies the water of feeling secure and safe. Just saying, telling her you are bi...not wise unless you are very sure she will accept it. Having dreams of being with a man dressed...common here. Being with a man while dressed...less common because most get cold feet. You making sense to others....there are dozens of threads in the archives that can show you, you are not alone.

Edit: Love may cover a lot of things but the odds aren't this will fall into the "I love you darling, do what you want to do I'll be waiting here at home" In most minds love means one person, one relationship. Want to place a bet? House usually wins. The chance of hitting the winner is very unlikely

[kimdl93]

Welcome to the forum. You've asked several questions that are individually significant.

The necessity of breaking your bisexuality to your gf depends on your intentions. If you plan on following through on these, regardless of how you are dressed, then she needs to know beforehand.

Second, a lot of bi CDrs seem to feel this way...as though the clothes influence their sexual preferences. It's more than likely that the reality is that one gives oneself permission to acknowledge bi interests when en femme. Or it could just be part of a common fantasy, with no underlying real bisexuality. You have to answer that for yourself.

As for the first part, if your gf has no objection to full presentation as a woman, why not bring out the shoes and whatever else you've been leaving out. Hiding such things is potentially destructive.

[Krisi]

1) If you used to have sex with men and you tell your wife about it (or she finds out about it), it's likely to change her view of you and not in a good way. Most women would find that a big turn off. If you still want to have sex with men, it's unfair to keep her in this relationship unless you're sure you can control this urge. Adultery isn't just having sex with another woman.

2) Your feelings are normal for someone just getting into crossdressing but it's important to not let those feelings cause you to do anything you'll regret later. Take it slow and easy.

3) More or less. We all come from and are heading to different places.

[Jennifer0874]

I have always told the women I dated about my dressing very early in the relationship. Kind of when your in that phase of gee I really like you, but if you can't accept me I'd rather end it now before too much is invested. It's not fair to either person. But everyone is different.

I guess I'm bi or at least bi curious. I've never done anything with a man, but I've had fantasies. I don't really see guys and think their hot, but I enjoy watching adult videos of two men from time to time. My wife knows and sometimes we watch a video together to get in the mood. I really have no desire to do anything outside my marriage.

[Robin414]

Hi Lily, I strongly recommend seeing a gender friendly phsycologist to help confirm whether you're CD or TG. As for your feelings, hell yah they're normal at least IMHO and I don't think I'm alone ☺

[lily1974]

First off I would like to thank everyone for your replies. Lots of good advice. Lot of good points to think about. As far as my monogamy, rest assured I am a one person lover.

Robin, I have thought about that for a while. Even took one of those little online test to find out. Lol. First to say those are stupid. However I have already planned that once my finances get better I will be visiting a counciler.

[Sandie70]

OK, I'm probably not someone to be commenting on this thread because I don't have an SO. However, even though I'm "out' to a lot of people in regards to my bi-sexuality and crossdressing - I'm not with most of my friends and family - at least not yet.

I agree with others here that being bi doesn't mean you're promiscuous or are not committed to a monogamous relationship - just like being gay doesn't mean you are fixated on genitalia. But when those in your life do find out you are bi, it can be confusing to them. Being bi might not be a big deal to your SO, but she rightfully might wonder... why announce this now? Of course, the best time to out yourself as bi was at the beginning of your relationship, so the question "why now?" looms large. Are you contemplating sleeping around?

No, I might suggest you hang loose for a bit and think this through. Just like I'm doing for the moment as I explore all the ramifications of broadcasting to the entire world what has been my secret until now.

As has been pointed out in many threads on this forum, every action has a reaction - ripple effects that you have to be prepared for.

[Rachelakld]

1) while the thought of being bi is attractive, I have 1 female partner (my wife), so while I would like to experience lots of other girls and 1 or 2 guys (preferably at the same time), I'm not going to tell her about all the super models etc I would like to bed. Because I love my wife, I won't go out looking for other sexual partners or to introduce her to any STDs

2) It's seems normal that both identities have their own likes and dislikes.

3) makes a lot of sense, yet it is up to us, how we live our lives, and how we effect others around us.

[Angela Marie]

Interesting thread and brings up some very salient points. I know this has been said before but gender identity and sexual attraction are two different things. I really became comfortable when I realized that my feminine feelings and presentation as a woman had nothing to do with my sexual preferences. Of course this is not the same for everyone. Men and women are different. Not only physically but psychologically. I have definite feminine feelings and characteristics but exist in a monogamous heterosexual relationship. I am not attracted to men and i generally prefer the company of women not only on a sexual basis but more importantly because I feel more attuned to how women think, feel and express themselves.

[Catherine383]

Okay so being new to this forum I have a little question. After I give a little background.



Okay so here are my questions.
1 How would you break it to your SO that you are bi?
2 Are my feelings normal as far as en femme vs guy mode?
3 Does any of this make sense to others?

I have a non-sexual relationship with my bff Cindy who also happens to live with me. She knows I am bisexual, with a preference towards men. I waited for maybe two weeks after we met before we discussed this, and she was ok with it. Depending on the woman, she may not want to have a sexual relationship with you anymore after finding out, which happened in my case. I think it depends on the woman, but I think you will always have a bff relationship with her which in many cases is actually better than a sexual relationship.

[lily1974]

Well like I said I am monogamous with her but on the other hand we havent had relations so to speak in a couple of years. I wont go into reasons but it has nothing to do with my dress or life choices. I love her deeply and couldnt ask for a better friend. She has lived with me for over 9 years and I try to tell her everything. Just somethings I have ommited and feel horible for not telling her. Have for many years it just never seemed like the right time.

[jigna]

Welcome to the forum.
Keeping only one identity is d best option.

[Ceera]

1 How would you break it to your SO that you are bi?

Actually, I brought that up quite early in the relationship I had with the girl who eventually became my wife. She was still a virgin when we started dating, but was willing to try other ways of pairing with me. I tried to soften that experience for her by admitting I was bi and willing to try for myself anything I asked of her, where biologically possible. When we married I agreed to remain monogamous, and only to mate with her, though she had to understand that occasionally I might use fictional reading, solo methods or her help to sate my other urges. She was one of the only people throughout the next 30+ years who knew I was repressing that bisexual side of myself, to remain faithful to her. I never did seek anything more than hugs from any of my male or female friends while we remained married. Sadly, I lost her to a heart attack in early 2014. Since then, I released my inhibitions and started doing the CD activities and exploring my bi side.

2 Are my feelings normal as far as en femme vs guy mode?

I'll agree with several others here. 'Normal' is a term that actually applies to very few people, especially among CD and TG people. But I do a similar thing to what you've experienced. In male mode I'm friendly to gay males, but not particularly interested in being affectionate with them. I'm much more interested in girls when I am a guy, and I only occasionally admire or 'check out' a particularly fine male specimen. But in female mode, I'm equally open to male or female intimacy, and I'll flirt with both and be happy receiving attention from either gender. For me, I think the difference stems from having for so long repressed my bi side and tried to live as a straight, married male. When I am in guy mode, the long term restrictions still feel like they should be in effect.

3 Does any of this make sense to others?

A lot of people here find that exploring their feminine side leads to wanting to do it more. For some that means eventually deciding they would be happier living full time as a female. For others, like myself, we can be happy with experiencing the other side of the fence only part of the time. What balance is best for you is for you to decide. Though if you're feeling really confused about it all, a professional gender therapist might be a good resource to consult with.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Lily, I'm just a regular male that loves dressing up.:daydreaming:

[sometimes_miss]

urge to dress or urge to become female?
Both. But I know where it all comes from. So it doesn't matter.

[AbigailJordan]

I'm fortunate that I do not have an SO to worry about.. my last girlfriend knew about my dressing before we even got together. As for the bi side, I think we all have some kind of fantasy somewhere about being treated like a real woman in a sexual way.. but as someone else said, often this is just a fantasy.. and once your little play session finishes, the attraction can fade..

I identify as a straight crossdresser who has recently decided to out themselves locally and go out dressed in broad daylight etc. I watch trans porn and often fantasise about some of the sexy pre-ops.. and occasionally even the guys.. I still haven't taken that fantasy as far as trying it.. although I'm probably much closer to trying it than I was a few months ago.. so I suppose mildly trans/bi curious if you're one of those who like categories.

So to directly address your 2 questions..
1.. Can't really relate to that, but I would certainly start with "I have never nor would I ever cheat on you with anyone. The thing is I sometimes wonder what it would be like..." or similar.
2. I think your feelings are relatively normal as far as normal goes.. A big part of being en femme is about feeling beautiful and sexy and desirable (as others have said this can often be a root cause of dressing) then knowing guys find you attractive is a big ego boost for those who feel generally out of place or "obvious" etc.
3. Yes it makes sense.. perhaps ask your SO that if you got some heels would she be comfortable with you spending a day or half day each week as lily.. see what she says.. maybe once she accepts the dressing in it's entirety (i.e. once the outfit is complete), she will be more curious about whether it relates to your sexuality etc..

Remember that for many girls, that thought/fear will already be there.. so many people equate dressing with being gay that many women will be concerned that as a crossdresser you will no longer be interested in them etc.. she probably just needs to find a way to approach the subject with you

[Dora]

Yes I have an urge over time to become female more, I love to crossdress but now its an urge to be female more and now I am attracted to guys, if you would have asked me 10 years ago I was your typical straight guy attracted to women but now the tables have really turned 180 degrees I am going through all these new feelings that I am coming to terms with and accpeting, overall I love everything about being a girl and attracted to guys.