The great, the bad, the 4th of July vacation. Also looking for some recommendations.

[Avrial]

My wife and I have been together for nearly 10 years and married for 3. Currently 26 years old. All my life I have crossdressed. Having never been exposed to it in a good light, I thought it was a choice, something sexual, and would eventually purge anything I had acquired. Over about the past 2 years I've slowly been incorporating more feminine appearance, grooming, mannerisms, and dress. I didn't always have the right words for it but was able to reach the conclusion of genderfluid some time last year. I've found that I can enjoy both "guy" and "girl" things/activities dressed or presenting however I like. I don't feel cemented to either extreme. Fluid may even be a little too broad, as I seem to stick right about in the middle most of the time. We didn't talk about it, but she grew accustomed the changes. There was always tension though, and a sex life hasn't existed for a very long time as a result.

We moved to Oregon last October. Since moving (to a more accepting city) I felt more comfortable talking a little more openly with my wife. Still not the full talk we needed, but doing better. Even starting throwing some skirts into the clothing mix. A few weeks ago she happened to mention a talk she had with a child she nanny's for that brought up genderfluidity, and I was able to relate it to me. Again, not the deep conversation we needed, but it was a step. At this point I'm open to wearing just about anything, have shoulder length hair, shave everything from nose to toes, have been painting my nails for some time, and am generally open about my femininity.

Last week I went back home for the first time since moving. The day before flying out I mentioned to my wife that it would be an interesting trip home, seeing who is trans-phobic. First time calling myself trans... didn't seem to be an issue for her. For the trip, I had light blue nails, wore my hair down, and carried a flowery purse (last minute addition to carry all my little crap through the airport since I wore pants without pockets). During the trip I wore mostly guy shirts, with short shorts or girl jeans (I own nothing male from the waist down).

Immediately after arriving at the airport and seeing my parents, the barrage "are you gay" comments started. Really, in the first seconds of seeing them. I knew it was going to be interesting. Luckily, I had plans to leave right from there and start my couch-surfing-with-friends tour, so I was able to put it off. A few days of seeing friends put me more at ease. Most didn't say anything at all. The ones who did, I wanted to talk to about it anyway... they're the type to understand. Made it back to my parents house a few days later and did well brushing off the comments and avoiding any conversation.

The night of 4th of July I was able to go out with a few close friends and family. One of them lives with someone what has transition MtF, so when she saw me, she knew what was going on. It was really refreshing for someone to not just notice, but know the right things to talk about. Later that night, thanks to the conversation with her and some liquid courage, I came out to everyone I was with. It's an incredible weight to be lifted to finally be able to tell someone everything you've been going through.

The next day was the family picnic, a few more people I hadn't seen in a while, but nothing really noteworthy. My brother dropped me off at the airport later that day. I did it, escaped without telling my parents. My wife picked me up at 1AM, and having to work that day, said I would tell her about my trip after I got home.

During work I received the following e-mail from my mom:
"After an uncomfortable conversation with grandma and grandpa, it has come to my attention today that your altered appearance has become the talk of the family. So are you gay, transitioning into "Caitlyn" or just trying out a new west coast look. We just want to know. We need to know."

I didn't escape.

That evening I went over the trip with my wife, leaving out the bits about who I came out to, the comments from my parents, etc. Having planned how to do it, I had my phone ready: told her I got an e-mail from my mom, and showed her the message.

Finally! We were able to talk about everything. If you've read any other coming out posts on here, you'll know all the usual questions that are asked. We talked about how long I've felt this way, why I took so long to tell her, how I came to the conclusion of genderfluid, and what it means for us. I talked about coming out to friends, and later in the conversation showed some pictures. It went very well. What she wanted was to know that I still love her and want to be with her, that this doesn't change my feelings for her. It's the most honest conversation we've ever had, and we're happy it's in the open. She's asked to take small steps with anything I've yet to show her, rather than go full femme at once. She's open to being public with some time to adjust. I'm still most likely to mix genders as I've been doing though... tonight is a mint skirt and gray mens t-shirt, and she didn't hesitate to go walk the dog with me.

We're going to be just fine. I haven't been this happy in a very long time.

Which brings me back to the e-mail from my mom... I still haven't replied. I would like some recommendations for online reading regarding genderfluid. Does anyone have some good sources they would like to share?

If you made it through the whole story, thank you. Thank you to everyone on here who has posted their story and helped others find who they are. As a forum, thank you for not pushing transitioning as the only answer. For many of us, it's not the correct one, and I think being a regular reader here helped me come to a more informed answer. :hugs:

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Avrial, That was quite a vacation, You really need to level with Mom & Dad.:hugs:

[mykell]

hi avrial,
the whole "Caitlyn" thing is a double edge sword of sorts, it highlighted feelings and knowledge, but transition is what people remember most....even though the feelings she shared are much the same i wished my wife would have payed more attention and watched some of the shows that featured her.
sounds like you have reached a positive place. hope to reach that place with my wife someday....
as far as recommendations, i searched and found this :

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/06/17/ruby-rose-gender-fluid-video-interview_n_7603186.html
https://www.genderspectrum.org/quick-links/understanding-gender/

your parents do need to know, you left them with a giant question mark....you should have tidied things up then...one on one face to face...may have been good for them to see the emotion in your eye....the passion and conviction that comes with this...
your parents may not like the video shared in the huffington post, but seeing a beautiful women who relates to being a man was cutting edge to me, all the things i would like to have stripped out.... chopping that hair really disturbed me though....

[kimdl93]

Wow, that's quite a lot to digest. For starters, I'm glad that your holiday excursions precipitated more and deeper discussion with your wife. I do have to ask about the absence of intimate relations. That seems unusual, and frankly, not a good thing, considering how your the two of you are. Might want to explore why two young, loving people aren't sexually active together. If necessary, engage a counselor to dig into this.

Second, respond honestly to your mom. You put it out there, so it's your responsibility to follow this through.

[flatlander_48]

A:

Sounds like you have discovered the flip side of:

Nothing ventured, nothing gained...

DeeAnn

[Katey888]

It's always good to hear that someone has progressed to finding a better balance in life and that this place has helped...? Well, that has to be a Good Thing and a little affirmation of why everyone here chips in with what they can... :cool:

For me, just reaffirms that the only right answer for everyone is an individual one... we don't share exactly the same circumstances, experiences or needs, so we have to find our way through as individuals... I'm really pleased for you Avrial! :D

Katey x

[Marcelle]

Hi Avrial,

It sounds like quite the adventure you've had. However, I am glad to hear you have survived relatively unscathed and that you have finally opened up to your wife and are moving on.

Like you, I consider myself "gender fluid". However, like any term we tend to toss around on this forum it can mean different things for different people. Some will see being gender fluid as a mixing of gender presentations (much like you do now). For me it simply means that some days I identify as a woman and some days I identify as a man and as such, I present in the gender I identify with. So for me there is no mixing of clothing or presentation (e.g., I won't wear nail polish when I am presenting male or mixed gender clothing). I am either guy or gal. I have slowly been integrating this into my life and my wife is fully supportive. My family knows, my friends know and work knows. As a matter of fact I will be going to work tomorrow (first time) as a woman with the support of my employer (Canadian military).

I have read a bit about being gender fluid and discussed it with my therapist and for the most part what I believe it is a broad encompassing term . . . go figure a broad term in the TG community :facepalm: . . . to capture those who have an innate need to identify as mix of genders or balancing both genders into their lives. This places us in a position where we are not likely to transition (in the medical or legal sense) because your gender based on your birth sex is just as important as the other gender so you can't really "kill that part off". In addition, while dressing in the gender of choice may have some satisfying aspect to help abate any dysphoria, it is more about being seen and identifying as that gender not just dressing as such . . . you are man and/or woman or a mix at any given point of time. Does your head hurt yet? :doh:

I find the one question I get asked all the time is "How do you know if you identify as one gender over the other at any given time?" I agree it is a hard concept to grasp and it took me a long time to accept it myself as I clung to the TG moniker but identified as a cross dresser. The best way I have learned to answer this question was from another TG person's concept of feeling awkward in their birth gender. I ask the questioning soul which is their dominant hand and once they reply, I ask them to write their name. When they have completed writing their name I ask them "How did that feel?" To which they usually reply "normal". I then ask them to write their name with their opposite hand. Once they are finished I ask them again "How did that feel?" to which they usually reply "awkward". I then ask them "How long did it take you to figure that out?". My point to them is that I just know when I wake up that I am either comfortable in my birth gender (writing with my dominant hand) or not (writing with my non-dominant hand). If I feel awkward as a male on a given day, then I take steps to bring congruency to my life and present/identify as a woman which effectively allows me write with my dominant hand again. :)

Cheers

Isha