Advise on my daughter

[Henriette7]

Hi all friends

About two weeks ago I told my 18 years old daughter about my transgender life. Together with my wife we all 3 had a talk around the kitchen table. This talk had been on the agenda for around a year, but we decided to wait until summer, so my wife also was feeling more comfortable with the hole gender issue.

My daughter took the conversation fine. She did't ask questions, but was listening. Off course this isn't easy, there is a lot of questions popping up, but we decided to make the talk short and relevant with the purpose of not making a big issue out of it.

Now two weeks after I'am wondering what has come out of this and also how to follow up. My daughter has talked with her boyfriend about it, but has not spoken a word on this issue since. I have two times asked her if she want any talk and also told her that both my wife and me are always ready to talk, but it looks like she don't want to talk about it. That of course has my respect.

So my big question here is. I know this takes time, but while we are waiting what would you do?. How would you follow up on this and for how long would you wait doing anything.??

Hope this give sense :-)

Hugs
Henriette

[Krisi]

I'm sure it was a "big issue" for your daughter, her father becoming another mother, but my suggestion is to not press the issue. If your daughter wants to talk more about it, she will bring it up on her own.

[Jenniferathome]

You are doing the right thing. Gentle offers to talk is all you can do. She will talk when she needs/wants. Keep extending the offer occasionally.

[Sandra]

Our daughter didn't talk much either when we told her. She was also told that we were there if she wanted to ask anything, in time she did start to ask and talk more about her Dad. I wouldn't worry I'm sure that she will come to you and your wife if she wants to...just make sure she knows that you are both there for her.

[Jorja]

Kids tend to talk to their friends and search the internet to get information these days. Give her some space and some time. Allow her to deal with it in her own way. Continue to love and support her. Be there to answer question when the time comes.

[Pat]

You say your daughter is 18 -- there's a good chance that she knows as much as she needs to know at the moment. Her generation is pretty cool with the idea of gender differences. She may not have anything to ask until she has a reason to deal with you in a dressed state. Is that likely to happen? Keep the lines open -- it's all you can do,

[Wen4cd]

I'm not sure what your specific situation is, or what your goals are, but keeping the door of communication open is a huge step, and keeping secrets from your intimate family is a burden everyone will probably be happier for the riddance of.

My daughter is accepting to the point of encouraging, but that may just be due to aspects of our relationship as a whole, a big part of which is that the 'father' role has always been fulfilled. If she felt short-changed, I don't doubt that 'your selfishness ruined my childhood' would eventually find its way out of her mouth, just due to human nature.

[stefan37]

My daughter doesn't talk about it much either. She also knows I will always be her father and both kids are free to call me dad.

[lily1974]

Not that I am to qualified in this dept. but try taking her shopping. Somewhere small yet upscale at first that doesnt have alot of customers. While there pick something out and ask her opinion on it. If she responds positive she is ok with it. If she just turns around and walks off you know she doesnt like the idea. Never know you might create a mother daughter day out.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

You have given her several opportunities to discuss it, which she has chosen not to do.

She's 18. If you have to wait till she's 48, then that is what you do.

Stop worrying about it and let your daughter choose for herself.

[kimdl93]

I would relax. You and your wife have been open and honest. Your daughter is a young adult, and has taken in what you've shared, and from all indications, she has handled the news quite well. So, keep the door open to conversation and otherwise, let things take care of themselves.

[Teresa]

Henriette,
I have the same situation with my son, I told him a few months ago but he hasn't mentioned it or asked any questions so I'm just leaving it with him. If he chooses to bring the subject up I'm prepared to talk about it but he appears to have the same thoughts as my wife that once talked about it must have gone away !

[LisaKarenAZ]

i have not told my kids, per my wife's request. I want to believe that my 21 year old daughter would be extremely accepting if I were to tell her, as she's been taking LGBT Studies classes at school.

My 18 year old son, on the other hand, is a mystery. I can't even to begin to presume how he would take the news. On one hand, he's a very sensitive young man that is very accepting of the gay and transgender community, due to a close friendship with someone who is gay. Yet on the other hand, he is your stereotypical 18 year old young man who is highly focused on girls, working out, and hanging out with his friends.

One main reason I haven't pushed the topic is due to the major health issues my wife has been through over the past couple of years. This has been very stressful on the kids, and I don't want to jeopardize their healing process now that she is on the mend.

As it's been stated, the kids' generation seems to be very accepting of all of the gender variations. i don't know what your daughter is like, but if she's anything like a large majority of her peers, she'll be just fine.

[MonctonGirl]

Now two weeks after I'am wondering what has come out of this


"No news" is "good news". She didn't declare that she has officially disowned you and that is a great start, right?




and also how to follow up.


Don't.




My daughter has talked with her boyfriend about it, but has not spoken a word on this issue since.


This is because "she" knows that her opinion does not affect your transgenderism.
She knows you do not need her permission to take whatever course you wish to take.
If supportive, she knows she can't advise you on what to do
If not supportive, she knows she can't stop you from doing it
If neutral ( and probably the case ) she'd rather just let you take whatever course you need to take without her influence



I have two times asked her if she want any talk and also told her that both my wife and me are always ready to talk, but it looks like she don't want to talk about it. That of course has my respect.


It's a high probability that she would have preferred this issue to have never been
That's understandable and pretty normal, I'd say ( unless she thinks she'll be a millionaire from being on your Reality TV Show )
The thing is, she's probably smart enough to know that any question she could ask you - you probably don't yet know the answer, yourself. ( right? )



So my big question here is. I know this takes time, but while we are waiting what would you do?.


Nothing except let her know when you are about to have any major physical changes that would be obvious
- dressing 24/7
- hormones
- surgery
...you get the idea.
Because, other than that, there is really no difference to her or her bf.



How would you follow up on this and for how long would you wait doing anything.??


I would shut up ( except for notifications about the above so they have some notice ) because I would not want to freak the bf out so bad that he leaves her.
Probably, they are both "kinda concerned" about appearances - we don't know what "his" family is like.
So just take it cool. No more regular contact than you have been making with her for the past few years.
And - if you have a family dinner with the BF ... try to be as guy as possible while y'all discuss it.
That would be a good day for a certain new woman to wear drab...so that you don't freak him out and he can see that it's not contagious or whatever.

The most important thing here, I think, is that you don't "beg" for a talk - she wants to know that you are TOTALLY IN CONTROL of your destiny and that you know exactly what you're doing. Part of her reluctance to talk may be that she fears that you do not ( since you probably don't at this point ) and does not want to see/know you are in a weakened position.

[MissTee]

A different perspective: If my Dad had sat me down with my Mom and said he "becomes a girl sometimes" or whatever, then I would have a hard time processing it -- Even though I, too, dress. My brain is just not wired to work through something like that in a short amount of time. I would not respect him any less, or even have issue with it in the end. I would require time to fit the pieces together for myself and I would be ready for interaction on the subject eventually, but it would be on my schedule. Perhaps that's where your daughter is.

[SharonDenise]

My cross dressing was a secret between my wife and I until she passed last year. I told my older daughter, now 38, several months later. I was worried that I might become incapacitated and she might have to go through my closets and drawers and be surprised by what she found. I also thought that she would be more receptive towards it. Its a "don't ask/don't tell" relationship in regards to my cross dressing. I told my younger daughter, now 35, recently because I was going into the hospital for surgery. She, also doesn't want to talk about it. Maybe, in time they will be more willing to discuss it. But, for now I'm just happy that the secret is out to them and that they at least seem to accept it.

[AllieSF]

Let her come back to talk to you, at least during the next 5-6 months. Maybe your wife is closer to her and can informally ask at some appropriate moment how she feels about it all. As to what else you do, I think that maybe you should keep this side of you hidden as before and do not try to involve her in it. I see no problem in going shopping with her, if she asks you to go, assuming she is buying for herself, Mom or a friend. If you have never done this before, then it may be considered by her as a way you may be trying to get her involved if you ask her to join you.

Good luck.

[Isabella Ross]

Henriette, I think you've received some great advice...and I also believe you should just leave her alone and she will eventually wrap her head around it and open up. It's not a direct parallel, but two years ago I told my parents and my two brothers and their wives. Felt fantastic, and they all took it so well....except that my younger brother didn't seem to want to talk about it, unlike my other family members. I left him alone. Last time I saw him, he laughed and asked me if I'd be wearing a dress to dinner...I think he just needed some time to wrap his head around it.

[docrobbysherry]

Henriette, I told my 18 y/o daughter 2 years ago. She asked no questions then and none later. When I got nervous waiting, I asked her if she had any questions about Sherry?

She made it clear then and now. She doesn't want to discuss it, see it, or hear about it!:sad:

If your daughter never wishes to discuss it? U may have a DADT situation on your hands. Same as we do.:brolleyes:

[Tanya+]

I really liked Moncton girl's point about not begging and showing that you are just as dependable as you ever were. I would also add to the general good advice about letting the subject alone, i would really encourage being proactive in all other areas, especially stuff that is about her, if you do odd jobs for her etc, i would be (only slightly) more attentive than usual. You don't want any subconscious vibe that she might be losing her father to slide.

When they feel vulnerable they are still the baby girls that need their dad. I would also back off the shopping trips unless you have done it before or like you are trying to steer her into acceptance, you really want that to come from her if ever.

My daughters are still young, i've already started softening up their attitudes/values around gender, gender stereotypes, self expression, anyone can wear anything, and the complexity of other people's perconceptions/prejudices/ignorance is still to come. That is partly for me, but mostly so they can be whoever they need to be.

Love is patient, good luck.

[NicoleScott]

You said it looks like she doesn't want to talk about it, and that has your respect. Does it? It sounds like you are the one that needs to talk. Why? You told her and left the door open. Chill.
MontocGirl broke it down very well.

Also, a father does not become a mother, no mother daughter days out. Always her father.

[Tracii G]

Just be there for her when she has questions.
More than likely she will go to Mom first so don't get mad if she doesn't come to you first.

[Eryn]

There's no need for heavy conversation, but you can now let your femme side show. Compliment her shoes, clothes, whatever. Mention you're going shopping and ask if she would like to go along. My daughters have found a definite perk in shopping with Eryn!

With my daughters, the period after "the talk" was one of adjustment and gaining comfort, for all of us. Now that time has passed we have fun with each other regardless of mode!

[mechamoose]

Your kids are probably going to accept you regardless of how you present.

Who took them to school/trips? Who helped them navigate their 'life' issues? If you did it right, then they TRUST you.

Even my older kids accept that 'Dad' dresses like a girl. They *get* it.

- MM

[Henriette7]

Hi again all friends

First of all, many many thanks for all the great comments to my question about my daughter. As most of you are writing, I should let her come to me and not push anything forward. I do agree, but not completely, but I agree to patience and small steps. My point of view is, that this must not be put into a corner and not talked about, then my fear is that it will handled as a negative thing in my dougthers mind. It's important to talk and take just small steps ahed, but as all are saying "not pushing anything", let her decide.

There was already a little development in the right direction. My daugther and me was browsing images on her phone. Suddenly she asked to see images on my phone. I told her I had a lot of my female images so that would not be a good idea. She said OK, so I showed her 3 images of Henriette. She responded with "Wow you look good as a girl" and asked for my female name. We talked a little about it. Off course this little conversation touched my deepest feelings and the rest of the day. I was riding on total happynes :-)

The day after I asked her what she felt seeing the pictures. She said she was relived and happy, she has expected something else and now the talk really started. Now we have decided to eat lunch once a week, to get closer and to have an open space where (if we feel like) can talked openly.

I'am so happy for the development, I couldn't ask for more and I won't. Now she knows and I know she will ask if she wan't to know more. :-)

Thanks again all friends, for listen to my words and for such nice feedback.

Hugs to you all
Henriette

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Henriette, I'm glad that your daughter and you are coming together with this program
this just may bring both of you closer together. :daydreaming:

I went the other way It was bad enough that I laid this burden on my:love:wife,
But I see no need to lay this burden on my two daughters age 46 & 48 yrs. old. :daydreaming: