Accepting Your SO CD

[STribble68]

I love this man, it honestly hurts being without him. But, I'm not sure how to handle this type of situation. We stumbled upon the conversation and he came out about cross dressing, I was extremely shocked but held composure and we talked a bit. The more I thought about it, the more I got confused. He's a manly man, you would not expect this from a guy like him. He's shown me pictures, I've dressed him once, and when he's away he tells me what he's wearing... But when I see and picture it I'm instantly turned off, like a switch in my brain, and he is just a friend. I can't find myself attracted to it, like he's a real girl, and I'm not attracted to girls. But when he dresses like a guy, everything returns to normal and this man is where I want to spend my life. It's fun dressing him, but I still want to feel that he is my SO and not some other girl friend that I'm just playing dress up with. I don't know how to overcome that thought. I want to see him as my SO through every part of our relationship, not just when he's dressed like a guy. Can someone please help me?

[AbigailJordan]

That's a tough one.. and may sit better in the "loved ones" forum. I'm guessing like myself that most dressers have as much difficulty relating to an SO's difficulties in acceptance as most SO's have relating to why their man wants to dress this way.

The only thing I can think of that might help is whether he dresses in "her" clothes but still in guy mode when you're both home alone? Do you think it might help if you were able to still be with "him" even though he was displaying signs of "her". Maybe that might help you to see the "him" even when "she" comes out to play.

A lot of SO's have problems accepting the femme personality from their guy for various reasons.. fears about sexuality. insecurity that they aren't attractive or feminine enough.. concern that their man wants to "be" a woman and will end up transitioning etc.. it might help if you can identify the main reason that you are uncomfortable about his full en femme appearance and then you and he can discuss that and hopefully help you both understand one another a little better..

Best of luck with it.. hope you manage to get things sorted xx

[Isabella Ross]

Abigail is right...it's a tough one. No simple answers. I think, looking back at my own experience with my wife, that time will take care of some of this...if you hang in there, you'll realize with some time that nothing has really changed; he's still the same person you fell in love with -- he's just revealed a hidden facet of his personality.

[Rachelakld]

My wife is in the same situation I think, she sees Rachel as competition.
Her way of thinking is for every hour Rachel is "out" (shopping, swimming, movies etc), is one hour less for her to be with me.
The "Rachel" part of me loves my wife and would love to go out with her, but after 2 fun outings, my wife still sees her as competition.

[TrishaTX]

For me, I do not go out dressed. I am strictly in the house. My wife does not like the makeup and wig as I suspect it completes the "women' in me. The issue for the CD is being accepted , we need this acceptance and lying about it or suppressing it causes other issues...it did for me. I understand it was not what you wanted, I struggle with this for my wife too.

As the ladies said, no easy answer, if you love someone once you get past the beginning good stuff...there will always be things that aren't exactly what you hoped, but time and love conquer all.

[RobynT]

I have had to go through a similar situation with my SO, who i am so lucky to have in my life. coming out to her was kind of a Freudian slip, but she was understanding,wanted to learn more, and is always asking questions. At first, her acceptance was like a shotgun blast to me, and of course i over did it, which pushed her back. She said she was excited about my underdressing, but when I went full "Robyn", it had more of a friend/girlfriend feel to it. Of course when she said this, I slammed the brakes on and boxed Robyn up for a bit. We talked, and talked some more, realizing that the path, were on is bumpy and slow. Honesty and understanding is what has helped us the most. You say its fun dressing him, start with what works, and slowly build on it. You both should be open and honest about what you want, and take it slow... IMHO good luck to the both of you....R

[Teresa]

Stribble68,
Sorry to ask but I'm assuming you're married , I won't ask the rude question but it sounds as if you're quite young !
I posted a while ago saying there's never a right time to come out, finding out you partner likes to wear female clothes comes as a shock and poses many questions.
I assume you've asked the usual ones of being gay and wanting to change gender ? I was married for twenty years before coming out to my wife, it was like a millstone lifting off my shoulders, I have never cried so much before or since so my wife was very understanding initially but then she realised she couldn't deal with my slant on CDing which was the need to share with her, it was mostly sexual . She built a wall very quickly and left me feeling rejected and unloved to the point where I nearly ended my life !
I understand your comments about the turn off when he's dressed my wife tells me she's not a lesbian but at least you will consider helping him so you are giving some support ! It's hard to accept that we are wired differently we do have a feminine trait with needs, we have to come to terms with that and accept it ourselves . The feelings inside me are constantly there and have been for most of my life, I've tried to bury them in hard work and family life but they've emerged stronger than ever , which I didn't expect at my age, I realise now that it's for life, I accept that now my struggle is with the people around me !
Your partner is still the same person , he's shown another side, try and live with it because that side of him will have a lot of good points, we do make good husbands and fathers, perhaps some of the best !!

[Pat]

STribble -- All your life up to now you've "known" that there are two genders and you're either one or the other. It turns out that's wrong. To "get back" the manly man you prize you have to understand that he's still that guy when he's dressed like a woman -- every bit of him is there. And the womanly part of him is still there even if he's wearing a lumberjack shirt and sporting a beard. You love the person he is, it seems. He must have qualities that differentiate him from the other men you've known. Mixed in with those qualities is the fact that he's not solidly one gender or the other -- he's something in between. And it's just like if he was left-handed -- no matter what he does, he'll always be left-handed. No matter what he does, he'll always be transgender. He can suppress the outward symptoms, but it comes at a price -- it will cause him mental anguish and will color his outlook on life. You can ask that of him and he may agree to it but you won't have the best he can be. Or he might not be able to do it, even for you. The other choice is to learn about this transgender thing -- you're welcome on the ride -- we're all still learning about it because until recently it's been off everyone's radar. You don't have to treat him as a girlfriend -- you have to learn to see past the clothes and see your SO there. Not see him pretending to be a woman but seeing him being the person you love. (My opinion. Naturally I'm biased, being transgender myself.)

Edit to extend my though just a little bit: I don't know if it helps, many times people have the idea that a transgender male presenting as female is pretending to be a woman. Skipping over all the issues with that thought it's important to realize that when you see him being a "manly man" he's pretending just as much. He's neither one of those things. If you can find a way to get to know who he actually is, I'm thinking it will be wonderful for both of you.

[UNDERDRESSER]

This is my OPINION. It may not apply. You may be just very binary in your response to gender. You fell for him as his "Manly man" persona, which is fine, that's your thing. From his point of view, why was he that manly man? Because it was expected of him? It is a theory of mine, that crossdressing sometime comes out because men are expected to be the John Wayne, strong silent type, or whatever, but no hint of softness, gentleness, feminine traits if you will, are permitted. They then subconsciously form a female persona to be able to carry, and display, those traits. I don't suggest that all feel like this, but I am convinced it is a partial reason for some.

What to do about it? Expecting you to become a fully engaged SO when he being his female persona, is going against your own attitudes and sexuality. You may be able to change that. You may just have to accept that sometimes you have your guy, sometimes you have a BFF to go shopping and hanging out with.

All I can really say is good for you for NOT running screaming for the hills. Good luck, and please continue to hang around and ask questions. We are a pretty varied lot, but mostly friendly. Remember to read comments with the idea in mind that we all have different viewpoints and are coming at it from different directions.

[NicoleScott]

Maybe you should consider agreeing to enter into a Don't Ask Don't Tell arrangement. DADT gets a lot of bad press here, mostly by those who mischaracterize it, and the rest who have never been in one.
In DADT:
- she recognizes his need to crossdress, but she doesn't want to see it.
- he respects that she doesn't want to see it, and takes the responsibility to make sure she doesn't.
- she doesn't snoop. He doesn't (accidentally on purpose) leave clues.
- he needs to be her normal man.
- No breaking the agreement, no pushing the boundaries, no mission creep.
- if either party can no longer live with the terms, renegotiate them.

There is nothing wrong with you for not wanting to see him crossdressed. There is nothing wrong with him being a crossdresser. DADT works for those who make it work.

[JamieG]

You sound a bit like my wife. She is not at all attracted to me en femme. At first it was a major turn off; but after quite a few years she can treat me like a friend when I am crossdressed. If it is such a problem for you, I think it is fair to simply tell him you are okay with him being a crossdresser, but that you are uncomfortable participating. However, he may need some form of social interaction for this side, so hopefully you'll be comfortable with him seeking out and attending a support group.

[kimdl93]

I Need to follow decorum and first welcome you to the forum. Believe me when I say that most of us will learn more from you than you may learn from us.

I really wish I could offer some brilliant answers, but It seems you and your SO are already developing a way that works for both of you. Frankly, you've made it a lot farther than most women in this type of relationship in talking, seeing and even dressing him. Not feeling intimate attraction when he is dressed is only a problem if the two of you decide it's a problem.

And please allow both of you the time to adjust. This isn't a race. There is no finish line. It's just one of the many special things that the two of you are integrating into your relationship. Let it mature at its own pace and be open to surprises as your feelings evolve.

[Jilmac]

It seems to be a very fragile situation you are in. I know from my own experience how difficult it must be to see your SO dressed and have a totally different perspective of him. Now that you know about his dressing, you should also know that it's something that is part of his being. Perhaps to ease your frustration, he should avoid being in your presence when dressed. I don't know if this will work for you but it's just a thought.

[RADER]

Hi Stribble68;
First thing is to welcome you to the forum.
You said that you have great feelings for this man, you want to spend
the rest of time with him.
Remember, he is still the man you see, no mater what clothes he is
wearing at the time. If he has no interest in changing anything, then
go and have some fun. My wife set up some boundaries, witch worked well
for us; Maybe talk with him, set up some rules that YOU can live with.
That way both of you could be very happy.
Rader

[ReineD]

But when I see and picture it I'm instantly turned off, like a switch in my brain, and he is just a friend. I can't find myself attracted to it, like he's a real girl, and I'm not attracted to girls.

Welcome to the forum! :)

Do you think you can change the "turn-off" to just feeling neutral about it? This might give you permission to just be his friend when he is dressed and it is OK to feel this way.

I went through a similar thing with my SO, but it didn't bother me too much. I knew that being in a relationship with a person who enjoys feminine expression is different than being in a relationship with someone who doesn't, and I was prepared to make some adjustments. My SO told me about the CDing at the very beginning of our relationship and I simply took it for granted that when dressed, my SO and I would just be buddies. We went out in public dressed very early on and we did act like friends while out (no holding hands, no signs of physical affection, because two women being physically affectionate in public does draw attention). It felt a little empty at first, but I got used to it in short order. A few months later as our relationship progressed, I noticed that my SO felt particularly "in the mood" after being out while dressed and I was so in love that it was OK for me although I knew that everything eventually would come off in the bedroom when we were intimate ... so the issue was moot. It didn't feel as if I was making love to a woman because, well, fundamentally the anatomy doesn't change. The rest is just packaging. I did request that my SO not wear perfume and lipstick during intimacy because these are two things that strike deeply in the senses but as I said, the rest of the stuff just gradually came off after we got started.

It has been many years now, and after the first 4-5 years of newness and having it be exciting for my SO with strong desires to dress, it has taken a back seat in our lives. My SO got to the point where just dressing at home with me or alone was more of a bother than not (she dressed mainly just to go out, at first a few times per week and then eventually a few times per month), and the dressing is such a non-issue for us that I barely notice when he is dressed. To me, he is always the same person, which is a being who is gender flexible. My SO is always the inner person that s/he is no matter how dressed, and that is perfectly OK! :)

[Abby Kae]

To me, he is always the same person, which is a being who is gender flexible. My SO is always the inner person that s/he is no matter how dressed, and that is perfectly OK! :)

Reine, I just love you for saying this. This is beautiful. Absolutely beautiful.

[Shiny]

I've been through this ordeal myself. To a woman, every relationship I've ever had has ultimately ended due to the CD thing. Most pack up and are gone within a week, while a few tried to "accept" my condition. That doesn't last either. Because they inherit the guilt, the worry and everything else----and I never had to deal with children, another major hurdle! For those of you who are getting by in a relationship with the 400 pound gorilla in the room, that's wearing lingerie I still feel that they are accepting but bothered by it. They only put up with it. Thankfully none of my SO's have outed me or tried to hurt me, it could have been devastating, which is ultimately the crux of our "condition."

I would say to look at the percentages as well. Maybe 10% at most, men who dress are out there, maybe the same amount of women are inclined to enjoy such a thing, although you hear time and again that women do not like their man looking feminine or acting ladylike, it's a total gear-jammer! I am not even sure lesbian women would tolerate such a thing, although from my perspective I think they might be more inclined. And then there are the "DOM" women and many other facets with them, as many as with us! So, percentage wise it seems to be astronomically small in chance that two such people would ever meet up, although it has happened. Just another sub layer to any complex relationship.

[Kelsey21]

This here is why I fear saying anything to my SO. Like many others have already said, I am the same person that she married. The only logic I have to offer here is that if this is the worst thing he is doing, you have fewer hurdles to jump than a lot of marriages that can be ended by so many other things such as addictions, adultery, etc, etc.
By the sounds of it, your SO CD loves you and you love him, and that alone, is something.
Maybe I'm naive or out to lunch with this, but a smart guy by the name of Lennon once said "all you need is love".

[Amy Fakley]

Welcome! It's a wonderful thing to see an SO join up try to understand us, rather than dismiss us as bad people and run for the hills. This alone, speaks volumes about the sort of person you are, and based on that alone, I'd say there's really a lot of hope for the future with you two!

When I told my wife (almost exactly a year ago), it was after 17 years of marriage. I doubt it could have been more of a shock to her, which isn't to say I was ever particularly "manly", but she had certainly come to understand me through that filter.

Coming to terms with my revelation ... coming to understand me from that different perspective, and in turn coming to understand our relationship through that perspective ... well, I can't say it's been a bed of roses. There really are ups and downs, and sometimes it's really a one day at a time sort of thing.

On the whole, though, it has been an overwhelmingly positive thing, not just for me, but for our relationship.

Those of us who are like this are often entangled in layers and layers of shame, and paranoia, and self hate, and so, so much fear. It takes a toll, and I was no exception. I'd instinctively kept literally everyone in my life at arms length for pretty much my entire life (this happens when you feel like you're hiding behind a fascade every waking moment).

Having just one person in the world who now knew literally everything about me ... having one person who I never had to hide from, one person I could truly connect with in the whole world ... and having that person be my wife ... and after going through so much together, knowing that after all of it, she loved me ... not the fascade, but the whole me.

Well ... that changed things for the better in our relationship, and not by a little. In many ways it was like falling in love all over again, because the more I opened up, the more she opened up ... a sort of beautiful love feedback loop.

After so many years, we found an extraordinary new level of intimacy.

My wife gets sexuality turned off by seeing my girl mode as well, but we do play makeup together, and occasionally go shopping, and I think we've learned to compartmentalize ... Amy is like a visit from a sister or a girlfriend .. guy me is still there too in his previous role.

So far, it works very well for both of us, though finding each other's boundaries is a continuous process.

As much as you both can, keep an open mind, a light heart and a free spirit ... be patient, and kind, and I'll bet yall come through this stronger and happier than before. It is possible! :-)

[Amanda M]

Strible68.

I do not have any answers for you - except that I can, to an extent understand your anxiety, confusion, and perhaps, fear.

You will find a lot of help here, but in all the posts you read, have a pinch of salt on the side. Saying that, I do not intend to demeanthe experiences of those who will try to help. Just that all of us here have different life experiences, and ther is no one size fits all. Just be careful to filter all you read here.

Keep talking and discussing, and eventually you will come to a real understanding of what your situation is.

I'd like to wish you both peace, and if it is necessary, a resurrection of your mutual love.

[giuseppina]

First, welcome to the forum, STribble68.

The science I've seen on this sort of thing is that it is innate. As a poster above said, supression often comes at great cost to the crossdresser. Charlie Rose (on PBS) had a group of experts and a F2M TS on his show about the end of June this year.

There is no credible therapy that stops this behavior. Those that claim to do so create more problems than they solve, like telling the CD s/he is not allowed to accept himself as s/he is. That often creates mood disorders like depression, anxiety, anger issues, and others.

For me, CDing is about stress management and escapism. I know this isn't realistic, but it works for me and probably a fair percentage of the non-TS members. A TS is a person of the opposite sex that has the wrong equipment.

You've probably found there is a fair amount of undesirable material on the Internet about CDs. The rule I follow is this: If it is about porn, judgement, stereotyping, derogation, or other negative material, it can be safely ignored. You can also discard news reports about CDs committing crimes, as these are criminals who happen to cross dress. The news media loves to sensationalise this sort of thing.

CDing, in and of itself, is extremely harmless behavior. It need not be a relationship dealbreaker. The problems that arise are usually in how it is dealt with. You can normalise your SO's behavior, but this will take time and psychological work to do so. Perhaps a session or two for both of you with a duly qualified, licensed, and nonjudgemental mental health professional will smooth things out a bit.

Last point: your reaction to your SO's CDing is normal and expected.