Denying my Crossdressing side.. consequences:(

[Cdzinha]

Hello, I need some help ...
I have crossdressing with my sister's panties since i had 15 years old, now I'm married and I realize that the will of dress up comes in waves, sometimes with more intensity... other less ...
from time to time buying some clothes and then throw it out...
the fact is that always tried to deny these desires, and I always felt bad after masturbating with panties etc .. :o

I never talk about this for anyone and I never got caught... keeping this feelings always very deeply and safe ...
but... today I am having so many problems that doctors say are psychosomatic.. plus depression ...

I'm looking for a link between this kind of repression and the triggers of these disorders..
Have someone felt something close?

[Ineke Vashon]

Welcome to this forum CDzinha. Coming here is a healthy first step. As you read our posts you will find that many of us have felt similar emotions and reactions. You are not alone. Re: "the triggers of these disorders".... please relax, you are quite normal, and crossdressing is no longer considered a disorder. Are you comfortable talking about it with your wife? It might be worth changing to a doctor who has experience with gender issues rather than a regular doctor who might be unfamiliar with cross dressing. Good luck to you.

Ineke

[Kate Simmons]

I realized that one of my triggerswas a lack of self esteem whwn I was younger. Now I have remidied that and my dressing is due to my making it a total choice to do or not. :)

[Angela Marie]

It did take me a while to fully accept and feel comfortable with my desires. Some people are crossdressers who simply like to wear women's clothes. It took me a while before I accepted the fact that I am transgendered. Everyone is different and we all have to find our own course. I stills sometimes struggle with my feminine desires but more and more I know that she is as much a part of me as my male side.

[Katey888]

Welcome also... :)

First of all: DON'T PANIC! Many of us have gone through the phases you describe and have come out the other side, more or less 'normal' (in most ways..) - you're doing the right thing if you are already talking to professionals to get support - and if you're not, you should do... Things like depression can develop into serious issues... :hugs:

If you can find some degree of self-acceptance and know that what you do and are feeling is nothing seriously wrong (even if it is a bit unusual) you can perhaps begin to get other things in perspective. Take your time and get some advice... and talk to your wife if you can, but take care if this something that remains private - be careful in revealing this if you have other problems that could be addressed first...

Good luck!

Katey x

[Krisi]

If you are seeing doctors, have you told them about your crossdressing desires? If not, you are wasting your time and money. If it's going to help, you have to tell the truth.

You say you never got caught. Keep it up and you will get caught. It's not "if" you get caught, it's "when" you get caught. If you're going to continue crossdressing, you better tell your wife before she finds out on her own.

Read and think about the posts on this forum but remember that people here come from a wide variety of circumstances and places so what works for one may not work for you.

[Robert]

IMO there is no 'crossdressing side'. That is an attempt to compartmentalise a fundamental part of who you are.

Either accept it, or don't. But, don't try to pretend it is not a part of who you are.

[Sandie70]

People are inexplicably drawn to different things. I have a GG friend who is a fanatic about baseball - she knows all the players, their stats, maybe even attendance figures at different ballparks (lol).

Baseball puts me to sleep.

The point is that my crossdressing is no more a disorder than my friend's addiction to baseball. We are drawn to different things, but each is a normal part of who we are. My friend's fascination with baseball is an enigma to her - I've asked her where this came from and she can't explain it... it's just is a part of her.

Just like my crossdressing is for me.

[UNDERDRESSER]

Welcome Zinha.

Could your crossdressing be causing some of your depression? No, not exactly. The fact of repressing it, and the fact that you feel guilt, shame, disgust, the constant impulse buying and purging, yes, that could, be having an effect.

I am not a Doctor. But from my own experience, then yes, having this always in the back of your mind can have a very negative effect. I would think it very likely that this is part of the problem, but talk to your Doctor about it. Even if any of us were Doctors, we can't diagnose the problem on a forum.

The first thing to know is, there is nothing wrong with crossdressing, and no need to feel guilty or ashamed about it. Of course, it isn't understood by most people, so depending on where you live, and your relationships, you may need to keep it to yourself. As others have said, discovery is an almost a certainty at some point. I will tell you, as will others, being able to be at least a little bit open with somebody, is a very great relief to most of us. I am not going to tell you that you need to tell someone, or who to tell. You know your wife better than we do, you know your friends, and maybe have an idea as to how they will react. Once you tell someone, you can't go back, and they may tell others. This is your choice, and you have to consider the possible events that will come from it.

The exception is your Doctor. A Doctor, at least where most of us live, is bound by his/her oath, and medical and privacy regulations to keep such information private, and they can't make a proper diagnosis without all the information.

Many of us have found that just being able to discuss it on here is relief enough. We are always ready to listen. When you read the other threads, and responses to your own threads, keep in mind that everyone is different, and we all have different motivations. What one experiences and thinks is right for them, is not necessarily right for you. Good luck!

[DebbieL]

Welcome Cdzinha,
A common thread for both CDs and those who are more severely transgender (CD is a very mild flavor - 1 on a scale of 1 to 6).

Growing up, you got a lot of messages about how it was bad for a boy to want to be a girl, for a man to want to be a woman.
Gym coaches and military leaders often refer to under-performing boys as "girls" or "ladies" as a way to goad them into better performance.

Teen boys often use feminine words to chastise their peers. If you are afraid to do something they will call you something feminine like p***y.
You may have observed violence against those who were too feminine or not masculine enough. They may have been accused of being homosexual.
The rampant sexism used to condition you to think this way

When you were 15, you got curious and tried on your sister's panties. Were you forced to do it?

Of course, now this conflict of upbringing has led to an inability to communicate with your wife.

You probably SHOULD see a therapist for general counseling, and make sure that they understand up front that you are a cross-dresser.

You probably ARE mildly transgender, which is part of the reason you enjoy dressing up, but you are probably NOT someone who wants to transition. That being said, there are many things that we all have in common. We are often ashamed of our desires, and often feel guilty about being so deceptive. Often, our early dressing experiences involve taking someone else's clothing, underwear in your case, and wearing it when we have been conditioned to believe it was wrong.

Because of the shame and guilt of a relatively harmless activity, we are conflicted. We can't tell anyone, but we can't stop either. I do say can't rather than don't want to stop. Regardless of the degree, whether a fetish dresser who only wears one or two items only for sexual reasons, or the transsexual who secretly wants to become a real girl, these are such an important part of who we are, that it is impossible to eliminate the desire. Science has tried for over 60 years to alter one's sexual identity and sexual preference, but the results are often catastrophic, including depression, suicide attempts, and actual suicides. Bill Masters thought he could cure homosexuality with shock, torture, and drugs, but too often, these techniques failed so miserably that they ultimately had to resort to some version of lobotomy.

Fortunately, modern psychiatry and psychology is much better informed. They have discovered that sexual identity and preference can't be altered and have worked to help people (and those who need to know) accept the current situation rather than trying to change it.

A good therapist can help you determine a number of things, including where you fit on the scale, what your true desires may be, and help you accept yourself. Then the therapist can help your wife understand your needs and work with you to create a working relationship based on honesty and integrity.

The great irony is that, because we do NOT communicate our true nature, identity, and preferences with our spouses, we create a tension and stress between us and our spouses. Because our spouses didn't know what our REAL issue was, they often misinterpreted the signals. If they found our "stash" or an item we forgot to clean up, they might think we were having an affair. If we are unable to respond sexually in pure masculine mode, our wives may fear we've lost interest or no longer find them attractive. If we are inattentive, they think we don't care.

Meanwhile, the dishonesty takes a toll on us as well. We often find ourselves avoiding sexual contact, or withdrawing from our spouse and children. We can't hate ourselves alone, so we start to take it out on the people who SHOULD accept us, and the people they care about. Our spouse, her children, her parents and family, even her community.

Often, the isolation and depression lead to self-destructive behaviors like alcoholism, drug addiction, porn addiction, or even turning to strippers or prostitutes. We may become over-spenders or miserly. We may even try to "earn" acceptance - yet refuse to actually tell our wives what we want them to accept.

Keep in mind that there is no guarantee that your wife will accept your dressing when you tell her, she may even be repulsed by it, which is why it is good to have a therapist work with you together. It may be necessary to repair some of the damage we have done. More likely, she is more likely to be upset about the dishonesty, that you didn't tell her anything about it. In some cases, she may even be upset that you wasted so much time in telling her something she already knew but was afraid to talk about.

Normally, our wives will ultimately appreciate our desire and willingness to communicate. With the help of the therapist, you will be able to address a number of issues that may have been ignored, glossed over, or just cause stress in a relationship. If you are a selfish SOB, there isn't much hope, but there is a good chance that as you regain your freedom and experience acceptance, you will find yourself WANTING to re-engage with you family, your spouse, and you will be more able and willing to accept her for who she is, and who she wants to be.

Perhaps the hardest and most difficult to accept, is the "macho man" who wants to be able to cross-dress and be with his wife socially and romantically. Many men work so hard to protect their secret, that they create a persona that is almost TOO masculine. Some men even get violent, make sexist remarks, and act homophobic, and are not accepting of others who are different. Some may even be racist, sexist, homophobic, and very bigoted. These people have the hardest times with acceptance once their secret is discovered.

In some cases, you may find that your wife may not accept you at all, or ever. In this case, having the therapist help you cope with the loss of spouse and family would be good for you. The therapist may also be able to help you "come out" and create friendships and community that support you.

[Cdzinha]

Thanks for all support....

In fact I started to visit a therapist, but I could not tell the whole truth.. I just said that I'm unusual when masturbating... and that I have unusual pleasure in some erogenous zones,:edit:... but I couldn't go ahead and tell that I love wears panties and suplex when I doing it...

I know you all are correct and I will (try) be more frank with my doc in next session,,,

But the fact is... I know my wife and tell to her is NOT a option... I know that never will accept this (fact) ...

Despite this, I love her SO MUCH, I find my wife very attractive, and whenever possible I want to have sex with her ...
I really love my home... my child , marriage etc...

oh goddd. It is not possible to live in both worlds?

I don't want to be a girl, as I said, just like to play alone (in sex meaning)... and this is something that I have not been able to stop...

Just to imagine what I could lose (my wife, friends, children) due this fetish .... I get desperate ... I like things as they are...

Everything was going well.... until the pain and depression appear...

srry about my grammar, I'm from Brazil.

TY
(crying now)

[Ineke Vashon]

Cdzinha, next visit to your therapist, just tell him/her forthright and get it over with!!. He, or she, has heard it all before. Your therapist is there to help you sort it out, not criticize you. After you sort it out with your therapist you can both plan your approach to your wife, hopefully. From your name (CD)zinha, I gathered you are a Portuguese speaker. Don't worry about your English grammar. You are easily understood.

Ineke

[Amanda M]

cdzinha. I read you post, and I felt so much of your pain. Please be honest with your therapist. Be open. If you are not, you are wasting your time and money. He or she will NOT judge you in any way at all. As a therapist, I can assure you of that. For now,work with your therapist towards getting a real understanding of whatyou want for yourself.

When you are sure about that,you can bring it up for discussion with the person you love most in all the world. Remember that your needs may not coincide with hers, and that will need a whole new round of negotiation. PLease - above all, do not panic. This can be worked through if you both have the will.

Love, Amanda

[mykell]

hi, this seems like a highly emotional time for you right now, go at YOUR pace and do what is right for YOU and YOUR family, talking to a therapist like anything, you will only get out of it what you put into it...
your not the first man to have these feelings and you will not be the last.... in time you may even understand yourself a little more and it will become something else to you as you learn about our spectrum....many here have struggled with emotions when not being able to dress, loath themselves for doing what your doing and came here read posts and participated in conversations and learned to feel good about themselves again....

i see you are a new member, this is a comfortable place to learn and share about ourselves.....i have felt the most normal about myself since i joined,
welcome....

[Krisi]

Crossdressing is not necessarily related to being transgender and should not be put on a scale of transgender. Many men are straight crossdressers for their entire lives without ever wanting to become a woman or believing that they are a woman inside. It's a common belief among the uneducated and needs to be discredited when possible.

[kimdl93]

Welcome, and yes, of course many of us have experienced all sorts of adverse consequences from repression and self loathing that CDrs often experience. If this is the case for you, I urge you to seek the help of a capable gender therapist. He or she may be able to help you find a way to escape from that destructive rut.

[Teresa]

Cdzinha,
Don't go too far down the medical route , what you describe is not out of the ordinary for many CDers over the years !
I accept that I was now born like it and it's for life I also accept that it started as sexual and that has stayed with me most of the time. I enjoy the dressing more now and have finally lost the shame and guilt and fully accept that I have feminine traits that have needs to be satisfied .
The problems come with acceptance from others, if you have a DADT relationship eventually that is going to frustrate and depress you, that's when you need help to get over those hurdles.
You may need professional help if you deeply feel you're TS and not TG, it's something I didn't realise so many of us struggle with, I'm still waiting for gender therapy to try and get some answers.

[TrishaTX]

Katy said it well do not panic....start to be honest with yourself and see someone to talk to. These are things that helped me understand and feel better about myself. I was very depressed and took it out in many ways...all hurtful to me. Today, I am much more comfortable with he and her.....I love the way I look both ways. I am still working through things with my SO, but that again was my fault.

My biggest issue was lying to myself and others. being honest allows you to grow and understand...but I was literally killing myself trying to be something I was not. You don't have to go around telling everyone but you must feel comfortable being you.

[janina_xoxo]

It feels like these things are so private and secret, or like we ourselves keep them that way, so we are more afraid of the consequences of telling the truth. I would say almost too afraid, but these are our ultimate and most private secrets we have, this is why it is so hard.

[Bridget Ann Gilbert]

Zinha

It is possible your psychosomatic symptoms are a manifestation of your stress from hiding your activities. You should be careful about consuming too much alcohol and what medications you take. Many years ago I was hospitalized due, in part, to the stress of hiding my dressing from family members. It is good you are seeing a therapist. That will help aleviate some of your stress by having someone to talk with.

As far as telling your wife, don't rush into things just yet. Use your therapy to figure out what cross dressing means to you and how far you want to take it. From what you've described you seem to be mostly a fetish dresser. If you have no desire to present as a woman then it may be possible you wife could come to accept this as a part of how you meet your sexual needs. Only time and communication will let you know if that is a possible outcome.

Hang in there. You are most definitely not alone.
Bridget

[Teresa]

Janina,
Keeping it all bottled up isn't good for you long term besides it's something inside that you can do nothing about why should you feel ashamed and guilty about it, there is a good side to it and usually as I have found a kind caring person being hidden ! I hate feeling short tempered and depressed when the solution is hiding inside you. if you open up and eventually find you have TS feelings they were there anyway being suppressed ! I don't feel it's being selfish but more truthful to yourself, why should you deny yourself of that !

[AbigailJordan]

you are not alone hunny. Many if not all of us have been there at some point. I too started at around 14/15 years old, here I am at 42 having just spent my first couple of days fully en femme. It all takes time.. and the fact that you're here, the fact that you're trying to tell your therapist about it, shows that you're ready to put your first shaky steps on the path to inner peace and happiness. By the time you take your last step you could well be in stillettos and a minidress, or you could be in a shirt and tie, but there is no need to be fearful, the only things you will discover on this journey are about who you are and who you want to be. you are among friends.

[Marcelle]

Zinha,

What you are experiencing (shame, depression mixed with pleasure) is a common theme for many who cross dress on whatever level (e.g., an article of clothing or fully dressed). You are doing the right thing by seeking out the services of a therapist. However, as many have said, in order for this to work, you have to be honest and tell your therapist everything. It is the only way to move forward to some sort of self acceptance. In essence, you have to bring order to the chaos which is currently your emotional state and your therapist can help you.

WRT to your relationship with your wife. Some here will advocate that you need to come clean to your wife and let her know. IMHO, I would wait until you have had a chance to figure things out yourself with the your therapist. Once you have an understanding on how it affects you and what it means to you emotionally, you will be in a far better place to determine what you disclose to your wife and the best way to do so.

Breath deeply and continue seeing your therapist. In the interim, read a few posts here, ask questions . . . we are here to support. However advice given (including my own) should be taken with a grain of salt because we each bring our own experiences (good and bad) as well as personal biases to the table and as such our advice may not be the best to follow.

Cheers

Isha

[Cdzinha]

Thank you for all support.... from the bottom of my heart.
you all are so great...
I am so fortunate to have found this forum ...
I took into account all that has been told... I learned a lot and I identified with many of you

Today I will see my therapist ... I'm trembling and with butterflies in my stomach ...
Just imagining how to talk to him...
Seems like something that don't want to go out ... that you need to pull out with all his might...

WRT my wife ..
I'll leave things as they are ...(for now)
Not an option yet ...
the current goal is to cease the pain and cease the depression ...
I want to organize this whirlwind of emotions ..

TY

[Heelios]

I just hit a wall with it all recently and was persuaded to go to counselling by my GF. I have a session booked and now I'm looking forward to just getting it all off my chest although I am feeling a bit apprehensive and anxious about it. I think just being able to open up about it will really help and I'm telling you this because it think it could help you too. A counsellor/therapist is someone you can really open up to without any consequences and that is an important thing in my eyes.

I really hope it works out for you in the long term and remember you are not the only one!

[Tristessa]

I agree that you should tell your therapist, since they need to understand this part of you to work with you effectively. However, I will caution you that not all therapists are comfortable with CD/TG matters, some haven't done their work and still hold old biases. If that's the case, fire them and find someone who will be non-judgmental. I remember telling an old therapist (older male), and watching him almost climb over the back of his chair with discomfort, and then rattle off a referral, despite the longer-term nature of our work together. I never came back.

[LaurenS]

I've spent the last couple of years as a caregiver, and my own serious health issues. I learned a lot about compassion and kindness and understanding. These things are not considered macho, but living it and feeling love and compassion from others made me realize that it can be a part of me, and that dropping some of the male facade and blending some of my femme tendencies together made me a much happier, well-rounded person. My cross dressing fits nicely with this "new" me, and I've let go of practically all of the guilt.

Life is too short to not enjoy and embrace who you truly are. At the end, one is just another one of billions that have come before and will come after, so worrying about societies hang ups too much might drive you crazy.

This is my perspective; your mileage may vary.

tl;dr: embracing compassion and understanding makes me a happier crossdresser.

[Cdzinha]

I told almost everything to my therapist .. my gosh how difficult it was ....
When I managed to say ... it was already at the end ...
when I spoke he seemed uncomfortable...
but I think it was more impression and fear of being judged...
So he told me not to worry ... we still need to figure out what that means, and that I opened a curtain just now..
He ended by saying:- in his view seems to be more a fetish (for sexual fulfillment (sorry I dont know to express myself very well in English))... and the biggest problem seems to be my own judgment about all this .. . sense of guilt and discontent. A type of prejudice against myself ...

It's pretty much what you said LaurenS

oh dear...
but I am in the same...
neither bettering nor worsening...
just waiting next week