How to become 'out' and honest.

[susan howard]

Ok . I admit it. I am a coward.

I must be because I have been crossdressing for forty years now and I still want to keep it a big secret from the outside world.

My partner encourages me to dress and we have many happy times swapping make-up and exchanging ideas.

My feelings for femininity though are far deeper that she understands.

To become completely honest with myself I realise that I have a LONG way to go.

Does anyone identify with this dilemma?

Luv,

Susan.

[Natalie x]

Sure, "coming out" and going out into the world are real scary, but with your partner's help you can face it if you want to.

And you are not alone in finding that "a bit of dressing" is only the start of things. Only you can decide whether to take things further, though.

[Ms. Donna]

Quicker would it be to count those who have this issue not. :)

I came across this link years ago.

Coming OUT (http://www.transsexual.org/Out.html)
Covers some very good reasons for coming 'Out'.

Love & Stuff,
Donna

[pattied]

Since I came out to my wife, I have been on the edge of tears daily. I have wanted to try to get her to understand who I was for years, but I was afraid, ashamed, and felt guilty. Like what I was doing was wrong. I was terrified that she would leave me, as she is not only my wife, but my best friend and the mother of my children, who I also love dearly.

I have begun therapy to try to sort through my issues. Bottom line is this... I now completely recognize that I am TG. Should I eventually begin the transition process, then I'll 'out' myself to the world when the time comes. However, unless that occurs, the only people I intend to 'out' myself to are my children, and maybe a couple very close friends.

This is a major decision. If your support system is strong, and it sounds like your wife could provide a good cornerstone for that support, then 'outing' yourself might not be nearly the big deal you have built it up to be in your mind. Only you can truly answer that quesiotn though.

good luck, sweetie!!!


p.s. Excellent link Donna!!!

[susan howard]

Thanks.

Reading your link has given me something to think about.

Just what I need to hear.

Luv,

Susan.

[Sarahgurl371]

Susan, it sounds like you are already pretty far along in the process. Your SO knows and supports you. There are many here who would do anything for that. So some of us consider "out" full disclosure to our SOs. So don't beat yourself up too bad.

And if your SO is willing, why not go out to a support group meeting together, that way you can test the waters out there so to speak.

[Butterfly Bill]

To start, find yourself some place to go where there are liberal and intellectual people: Art shows, classical or folk music concerts, author book readings, New Age type events, even some churches. (Avoid places where there is drinking and darkness.) Go to them dressed partially or completely in articles of clothing most consider feminine and experience the way people really do react, which will be a bit different from how you think they will react. Act like what you are doing is normal, and interact with other people normally (Hi, thank you, good morning, excuse me, do you need any help?,etc.) Repeat this over and over again. Each succeeding time it gets easier.

[Christina Nicole]

There is no imperative to be "out." Do what feels comfortable to you without respect to what others say you "ought" to do. The above referenced article is mostly wrong, in my opinion. Not only are the ideas incorrect, but also they are badly expressed with grossly incorrect grammar and spelling. Quality ideas are expressed with well-written, quality prose. This paragraph, for example, is nonsense.

A viscious circle is created, one that derives from cultural pressure, and is sustained by internal judgment. The queer person hides to avoid pain and shame. The pain and shame become internalized as the cultural messages that cause it become part of the individual. Constant hiding implies the need to hide, and that need is based on the fear of rejection and harm. The individual, alone against society, finds it difficult to entirely reject the basis of the hatred of so many, and a resulting self condemnation abets the impulse to hide. In turn, the act of hiding reinforces the internalized self condemnation, and so it goes, round and round. (Note: multiple grammatical and spelling errors in the original)

Firstly, being TG doesn't make one "queer." Different perhaps, but not queer. Secondly, not being out does not imply that one is ashamed. Some things are better left private. I could be out if I wanted to be. One of my clients could choose to drop my services because they would be afraid I'd show up at their firm looking like a freaky drag queen. It would be grossly stupid to trade a $50K, 100K or whatever contract just for the sake of letting people know I am a crossdresser. Choosing to keep one's identity of being a CD private does not mean that shame has been internalized or that the cross dresser condemns him/herself. It probably is simply plain good sense. (Good sense, something in short supply today.) Some do have feelings of shame, but there is not the cause/effect relationship posed by the author. On the other hand, the article sounds good in a pop psychcology kind of way. The author made good use of pop-psych buzzwords. It falls apart under a critical reading.

There is a rather stupid idea floating around today that people need to tell all their secrets in order to be honest. That's just dumb and it is also just wrong. For example, it may be honest to tell a woman that "yes, those jeans really do make your butt look big." But no good comes from it. If she wants to wear them and feels good doing so, why hurt her feelings? It is completely unnecessary to injure yourself or others, emotionally, psychologically, or physically, in an attempt to be "honest."

Honestly, if little or no good comes from it, is it right? That is the important question.

Warm regards,
Christina Nicole

[MsJanessa]

There are varying degrees of "out" Out at night, in the bars with freinds, out with family at home, out in the shopping malls or out all the time every where---chose the degree you are comfortable with and go there

[Anita Mae GG]

Coming out can vary. My husband is out to me but not to family and friends and has told me he never will come out to them. He wants to go out in public dressed once he gets the nerve and that is another form of being out. So I guess just do what makes you feel comfortable.
Good luck!

[oztallulah]

Hi Susan. Just thought I would throw in a bit now. I too am the same3 'minded' as you, although I have been out driving with my Lady. She likes it, and so do I. Two girls going out for a drive showing legs and legs, good fun and it is harmless. Even got stopped to be breathalised once while fem, from the neck down anyway. Yes, I guess I am a bit of a chicken at heart. Cluck, cluck!!!!!!

[Melissa Ryan]

Hi Susan. Just thought I would throw in a bit now. I too am the same3 'minded' as you, although I have been out driving with my Lady. She likes it, and so do I. Two girls going out for a drive showing legs and legs, good fun and it is harmless. Even got stopped to be breathalised once while fem, from the neck down anyway. Yes, I guess I am a bit of a chicken at heart. Cluck, cluck!!!!!!
I to went through a breathaliser dressed. Was in Brighton, they are cool! No probs at all! I do believe that they are trained for "the unexpected"


Time is a thing that plays a part in the issues you are facing. If you push, its no good, if you hold back, it wont work. Timing comes into it as well.

Dont you ever do your make up und get dressed and look at yourself and say " OH NO! I got that wrong!" Laugh.........do it again! Laugh with your lady. Its only a part of life. That one time will move you to the next. Flow with it all! You got no choice really!:)