Coming out or Getting Caught?

[Kelsey21]

I don't like the whole notion of sneaking around behind the wife's back to become Kelsey every now and again. With life, work, kids and in general, something always happening in my busy life, does a guy really need another stressor on the plate?
There are times when I just feel like deliberately leaving out something so I can be questioned into a "forced confession" so to speak, instead of always having to carefully sweep the area to make sure I didn't leave my foundation or some article of clothing out by mistake (thought I had the other day and raced home to make sure I hadn't).
I've analyzed every possible scenario and when the time seems appropriate to fess up, something else comes up and the thought of dropping this bombshell on her would be for lack of a better word, unfair.
I've dropped hints recently and though she claims to be open minded, her reactions to certain things seem quite negative. She's ok with Caitlin and Jazz, but it could be more of a situation of "as long as it's not someone I know or affect me personally" type opinion.
I have read countless positive reactions to coming out here and also some not so great ones as well, which then takes me back to the closet point and continue to carefully stash away all my belongings in hopes that she or my kids for that matter, don't find them.
Overall, I feel that the cat will come out of the bag eventually, it's just a matter of how I plan to do it. Has anyone else been in this situation of choices?
I realize that the topics of coming out and the SOs acceptance has been beaten to a pulp here, but any thoughts regarding these possible approaches or any others would be greatly appreciated:)

[Meghan4now]

Do it on your terms. Yes very difficult, like going to the dentist or confession after years of avoidance. But coming out should be a less defensive position than being discovered. Sure it may not go well, but think how much worse it could be if you dont.

And who knows, it might just be ok!

[Krisi]

I second the suggestion to do it on your terms. Finding that you've been sneaking around behind your wife's back will not go well.

There are many posts here on ways to do this so I suggest you read them and decide what might work best for you.

Best of luck.

[Pat]

It's probably safe to say that no matter how your wife is going to react, discovery is a lot worse than confession. A Lot worse. It's hard and scary to set up a discussion like this and I can't offer any advice from experience because I've been fortunate that I've never had to do that. But it seems like the best choice based on other tough talks I've had to have is to not wait for the optimal time but go with a time that's good enough. You should both be relaxed and otherwise happy with the state of things between you and then just say, "Honey, I have a personal problem that I need your help with..." You can go with "I read this article..." or "Remember Caitlyn Jenner?..." or "I have this friend who..." whatever but just go for it. It's never going to work out the way you plan anyway -- at best you'll get to steer the first 30 seconds of the conversation then it's going to be action/reaction.

Here's a slightly topical reference: https://youtu.be/JWZ1DAXtQxc

[Kate Simmons]

Whenever it does happen, you need to be in control of the situation.:)

[ReineD]

I can speak from the viewpoint of an unsuspecting SO.

I would respect my SO much more if he told me directly than leaving "hints" for me to find. To me, this seems cowardly and manipulative. My SO did tell me, albeit via email, during our first week of dating. A conversation ensued shortly afterwards. You could write a letter and ask that your wife read it in your presence.

An advantage to having the difficult conversation is the presence of body language which conveys your emotional state even more than words can. If you feel nervous or afraid, it will show through (if your wife is adept at reading you). This will add sincerity to whatever it is you need to tell her. Leaving hints conveys nothing of this.

:2c:

[pamela7]

sooner better than later, apologies for previous secrecy clearly needed, give her time to deal with it, but don't her be offended or take some moral high position. It's just you've decided to allow a new level of intimacy and trust and you expect it respected!

[Angela Marie]

I told my wife, then girlfriend, on our second date. I knew I had to broach the subject and I wanted to give her a chance to walk away before the relationship go too serious. Going on 7 years now married. Wonderful woman and great wife. It was much easier for me to do it that way.

[Lorileah]

in this case I would never subscribe to "It is easier to ask forgiveness over permission." If you get caught you have violated a trust. Trust is hard to rebuild. Being honest is easier and better, even if you get shot down. Worst case she will think you odd...not untrustworthy

[Melissa in SE Tn]

Only you can answer your question. I over prepared for the talk and, 9 months post reveal, am still confronted with a divorce even with us both going through months of couples therapy. You need to investigate all consequences from the talk as only you have an idea as to how your wife will deal with the information. Distrust, inability to see the man that she married, disgust with the notion, etc. x etc. are just some of the post reveal reactions. Regardless of how she comes to terms with the revelation, there is one irrefutable consequence; your marriage will never be the same. I truly, truly x truly wish you success should you decide to have the talk. Again, you need to be fully prepared & honest in your presentation. Good luck for a peaceful landing... Mel

[JamieG]

Deciding to come out and can be very nerve wracking. I agree face-to-face is best, ideally when both of you are at relative ease. I would say expect at least some negative reactions, and then if it goes smoothly, you can be happily surprised and count yourself among the lucky few. Tell her the whole truth (at least as you currently understand it), instead of issuing the story piecemeal. Don't treat crossdressing like something shameful -- take ownership of it -- but also empathize with any fear, confusion, anger, or anxiety she may express. Don't apologize for being a crossdresser, but do apologize for keeping the secret from her. Be prepared to answer the common questions, here's some:

- are you gay?
- does this mean you'll transition like Caitlyn?
- am I not enough woman for you?
- why didn't you tell me earlier?
- what happens to us if someone finds out?

Most of all, tell her how much you love her. It may help to mention that you participate in a forum where there are a sizable number of happily married crossdressers, and even a few SOs.

Assuming things don't go well, you may want to suggest a "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy. This will basically put you back to dressing in private and covering your tracks, but with the peace of mind that if you make a mistake and leave something out, it won't be an epic disaster.

[Katey888]

Worst case she will think you odd...not untrustworthy

Isn't the worst case: "She will out you to your friends, family, work colleagues and divorce you..." ? I suppose there could be worse... :thinking:

I feel your choices every day, Kelsey - and for my own reasons, choose to keep this a secret from my wife. It is possible to do so - those who will say we are always discovered are no better than those who say we will always transition... there is no 'always' in this life. A lot depends on how much you need to express this part of you - I'm fortunate that I need quite low-levels at the moment, so keeping everything below the radar is practical and achievable - if you're prepared for the continual subterfuge. Some of us have already built a large inventory of 'distrust'... it's a lottery as to whether you may have already amassed too much...

Bear in mind that most folk that arrive at this forum do so with accepting or at least tolerating SOs - it isn't necessarily representative of the entire population. If you want to sample some bad reactions, take a trip to crossdresserswives.com... :eek: There is a natural preponderance of success stories here because who wants to write about failures...

The one thing you can be certain of is that your situation is unique, and your experience will be too - you have to gauge the pros and cons for yourself and what you understand about your relationship and circumstance... Nobody else here has any skin in the game that you have to play through to the end...

Take your time and think very carefully before jumping down any one way course... :hugs:

Katey x

[Sandie70]

I agree with some on this thread that it's best to reveal this on your own terms rather than let it happen by accident. But as I say this, be honest with yourself as to whether this is something you know you absolutely must reveal at some point... that your dressing is that important to you and cannot see continuing to do it in secret.

It is a dilemma that fits the old saying: "Tis better to deal with the devil you know than the devil you don't know." - Maybe.

[PaulaQ]

I've dropped hints recently and though she claims to be open minded, her reactions to certain things seem quite negative. She's ok with Caitlin and Jazz, but it could be more of a situation of "as long as it's not someone I know or affect me personally" type opinion.

Do not drop hints. There are a couple of reasons for that:
1. Almost nobody guesses anyway. And they may guess that you want to transition - which unless that's how you are feeling, is NOT the message you want.
2. You only get one chance to tell your story. ONE. You need to control the story, plan it, and tell it with authenticity. If she guesses, you may never really get a chance to say how you feel.

You'll never totally know for sure how she'll react until you tell her. My ex-wife would've been supportive if I'd been a long time friend, but as her spouse, this ended our marriage.


Overall, I feel that the cat will come out of the bag eventually, it's just a matter of how I plan to do it. Has anyone else been in this situation of choices?

Yes, this is the problem almost all of us face.

My opinion about why you should come out to her is because it will give you a chance to be more open and authentic about who you are. (This doesn't mean she has to let you dress around her, or anything like that - just that she knows all about you finally.) The down side to this is that can badly effect your marriage. She may not be terribly accepting, and being out to her could make your marriage a lot worse, or even end it. (You have decent odds of it not ending - but that doesn't mean it'll be status quo, or good.)

Here are some questions only you can answer:

Would you rather have a better marriage, at the cost of feeling dishonest? (although there's no guarantee it'll be better - if she's quite accepting, you are worse off!)
Could you accept a worse marriage, or even it ending, as a consequence of being honest?
How much risk do you have of being caught? If it's high, coming out is DEFINITELY better than a surprise discovery.
How certain are you of your gender identity? Are you just a CD? Do you think you may need to transition? In the latter case, this will almost certainly come out at some point. It will also probably end your marriage, although some marriages survive even this. If you are gonna tell her something - be sure about what it is, as best you can.

[mykell]

i was one of the lucky ones whose wife hasnt run to the hills YET, my concern was if i pass where will she find the answers to her questions, the internet, some scary stuff out there, this is an old closed idea i threw out there about leaving a letter and some suggested a video...
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?224212-**GREAT-ADVISE**keep-a-record-in-your-stash**&highlight=
.....for either way you chose to handle YOUR decision on how to approach the subject its a pacticle solution for others, family, friends, once your gone you cant take the stuff with you...

hope this helps....
oh and im on no dropping hints side.

[Katie01]

My wife of 25 years and I divorced a few years ago. Although CDing had nothing to do with our splitting, at the top of the list of my regrets is not telling her. In retrospect I'm sure she instinctively knew I was withholding something which was both damaging and unfair to her. I'm in a new relationship now and after a year of dating I told her about it and it went really well. She helped me realize it's not as earth shattering as I had feared.

Every couple and every situation is different so the how when and if is something you will need to figure out yourself. Good luck!

Best,
Katie

[heatherdress]

All good advice. You will feel a lot better when you do tell your wife, but you will never know what her response will be for sure until you tell her.

I would suggest that you consider telling her that you crossdress not just as an element of honesty, not just because it relieves your personal stress, not simply to communicate openly - but as a step toward deeper intimacy and a strengthening of your relationship. If you have that, she might not be as threatened, she might be more understanding. Realize that you are sharing with her your own deep feelings that you might not trust or share with anyone else - anyone. That makes her quite special. If you realize that and if you both can do that - there is probably nothing you cannot share with each other.

[Alice Torn]

I have to agree with katey on this one. We just do not know what will happen if we let the cat out of the bag, and there may be good reasons to not come out. I would continue to see what she says about CDs or TG TS in the news, too, before baring your soul. Like some said, once you out yourself, it will never be the same.

[Sarah-RT]

I feel very like that with my parents, my mom knows for sure but it's never really been discussed and I've grown a lot since the time I told her ( wigs, makeup, going out doors) and I believe my step dad knows to skip a long story but they are always really busy when I want to talk, or something has irritated them etc etc and I feel guilty for lumping my problems at them but when they're in a good mood I can never pluck up the courage and while lying about what I'm up to if say I'm out shopping doesn't hurt anyone it does bother me that A I'm lying, B I can't be honest and C I can't be me and I just end up suffering over it.

Sarah x

[kimdl93]

Do not come out accidentally. Be straight forward, honest and demonstrate that you trust her. But above all, prepare yourself for the conversation before hand. Some of us found it helpful to write an introductory note to help start the conversation.

[Dianne S]

I would respect my SO much more if he told me directly than leaving "hints" for me to find.

This. I bet an unbelievable number of fights have started and relationships broken up because one partner expected the other to read his or her mind. If you decide you want your wife to know, iIt's best to tell her directly and without beating around the bush. And if you decide you don't want her to know, then certainly don't leave hints!

[ChristinaK]

Lots of great advice. My take is that you know your wife best and how she'll handle it based on her prejudices, biases, religious philosophy, fears, knowledge of crisscrossing, etc.

Think it through very carefully about what you are going to say. Have answers for questions. You want her to feel secure that you are not Caitlyn.

Be ready to draw lines and boundaries that satisfy her. Don't start a fight.

Be respectful of her horror and possible discuss.

If there's a chance it will be a deal breaker for your marriage, think it over very hard. The small hints may break her into it slowly, e.g. her discovering you wear panties sometimes. Later, maybe a nightgown or something. Maybe women's t shirts or polos, or women's socks or pantyhose.

Worked for me, but I still have a DADT relationship. Still working on acceptance a little at a time. Told her this week I was going to go to a women's only meeting this week by dressing up, as a joke. She knew it wasn't, but just said TMI. That's a huge achievement right there for me.

Good luck, if you decide to go for it.

[Jenniferathome]

You can not "hint" your way to a conversation. She is not thinking that you are a cross dresser so your hints are random thoughts to her. There are no dots to connect for her.

if you are as ready as you appear, have THE conversation. It's scary but you can do it. Write down what you want to say. Keep it brief. Memorize it. Then ask her to sit down at the end of the day and tell her. In my signature is what I told my wife.

[Kelsey21]

That's a lot of information to process and all I can say is thank you to everyone for their input.
I will say that the word hint maybe was the wrong choice of words as it should have been more along the lines of "discussed". I have never hinted to her about this but rather, had discussions about Caitlin and the newest young lady Jazz. I wanted to get her opinions on the fact that many people in the world have gender identity issues and conveyed to her my acceptance of this and wanted to hear her opinions.
Our discussion spilled over into a situation that happened a while back regarding our son and his collection of her lingerie stashed under his bed. She responded to that by saying that she would be ok if he was a CD or even transgendered. I almost hit the floor.
Her only concern was that it was her stuff and she felt violated. I wholeheartedly agreed with her.
The positive aspect that I discovered is that she is more open minded than I had anticipated and after 20+ years, she still amazes me.

For now, Kelsey will remain hidden as I compare our existence to that of a light switch. When one is on, the other is off. She is a fun hobby for the most part and I'm the one calling the shots as to when and where she can surface.
I'm confident that my wife, at the very worst will accept a DADT situation, but for now, we'll continue with our summer holiday plans.
Again, thank you to everyone for taking the time to share. What an awesome place :)

[PaulaQ]

I have never hinted to her about this but rather, had discussions about Caitlin and the newest young lady Jazz. I wanted to get her opinions on the fact that many people in the world have gender identity issues and conveyed to her my acceptance of this and wanted to hear her opinions.

Discussing famous, highly visible trans people is a very good way to gauge someone's acceptance. It's not foolproof - people will surprise you, but it conveys a lot of information. People who react with hate to the topic are not likely to respond well to you.


Our discussion spilled over into a situation that happened a while back regarding our son and his collection of her lingerie stashed under his bed. She responded to that by saying that she would be ok if he was a CD or even transgendered. I almost hit the floor.

This changes things.

You should really talk to your son, and find out what's going on with them. If he's trans, getting him to open up about it could save his life. This could actually be a very good reason to come out to her - so that you could come out to him, if you feel he's not telling you everything. This could save his life. My mom made a similar discovery in my room when I was a kid. I lied about it. She didn't pursue it very aggressively, and we never spoke of it again. And from that moment, my life was a waking nightmare.

[Marcelle]

Hi Kelsey,

You will find when you ask that question here it is quite polarized into two camps "must tell (liar, liar pants on fire)" and "you will know when you are ready to tell". Personally, I told my wife but I had to because I reached a point of "emotional no return" and if I did not well just saying . . . I was heading for a very dark place. However, if it were something I did, enjoyed it for a moment or two then could put it away and continue functioning as a loving, dedicated and supportive partner . . . I doubt I would have told her. However, in my case I was becoming non-functional and it was bleeding into my relationship in other ways (depression, anger, resentment frustration and all around D-baggery - I was not a very nice person to be around).

Only you know when it is truly time to tell your SO and how to go about that. Some do it face to face, others via letter (Jen has an example in her signature block I believe). However, the key thing to remember is that once that bell is rung, it can never be silenced and this thing is going to go one of two ways: (1) acceptance on some level or (2) your walking papers. Should you choose to tell her some day, then communication after the fact is key to ensure things stay on an even keel. A while back I started a thread about communication post-tell to which many added great information which might help you should you decide to have the talk. http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?226009-Communication-and-moving-forward-All-observations-welcomed-GGs-encouraged/page2

Cheers

Isha

[Kate T]

tell, don't tell, either way it can go really well or really badly.

The question of whether it will go well or not frankly is a side issue. The real question is what is the right thing to do? Is it right that you get to decide unilaterally how your wife will react and therefore make that choice for her?

Personally I think that if you love someone then you respect their right to make their own choices and to me that means you should always tell a partner as soon as possible.

[Sometimes Steffi]

IMHO, knowing that she accepts others as trans has no bearing on whether she'll accept you, the man she married. My wife knows at least two people in her daily life that are trans or "queer", but she still can't handle my CDing.

I was discovered. It was not good, but I'm not sure the conversation would have gone well either. I think she's only staying because of the "til death do you part."

I did the lying thing for a while. I told her that I was going out "with the guys". Not technically a lie, but ...

I tried the ask permission to go out, and the answer was usually "no",

Now, when I want to go out, I just tell her (and ask for forgiveness). One of these days it will probably just blow up on me. But, I'm not getting any younger, so not doing it is not being fair to myself.

[Gillian Gigs]

I personally think that it is easier to come out in your own timing, rather than through the timing of getting caught. Mainly because you can be better prepared for it and have the chance to have a rational conversation, versus an emotional mess that involves a gambit of feelings. I came out because I figured that the odds were starting to stack up against me. It was after coming out that the quirks started to make sense to my wife. There was the usual questions, like are you gay, are you wanting to become a woman, etc. It took some time, but she knows that I am still the same person, I just have some different tastes in clothes. My drive to dress is very sexual in nature, and this seems to make sense to her and this, she is accepting of. If I have learned one thing on this site, it is that every situation is different, so who knows how it might work out for you.

[LeslieSD]

For OP, I would suggest coming out rather than being found out. Imagine that both ways you will end up with a hard conversation explaining your dressing, except in the "being found out" route, you will also need to deal with her shock from discovering this herself. Take the issue head on and tell her (at a proper time which you can choose and control).


A while back I started a thread about communication post-tell to which many added great information which might help you should you decide to have the talk. http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?226009-Communication-and-moving-forward-All-observations-welcomed-GGs-encouraged/page2


For some reason, I missed such a wonderful thread! I read it and it has so many great ideas. Thank you, Isha.