11 months transition, 10months HRT, notes from the journey so far

[MonicaJean]

So much has changed. I can feel, I can laugh, I can cry, I can care for others, I can empathize, I can smile, I can finally post a picture to this forum....

All things I couldn't do organically prior to that fateful moment 11 month ago which turned my life around forever. That moment where I chose to be honest and live life.

Since then, a month later, I started HRT...resultant breast & hip growth finally has me smiling in the mirror rather than avoiding looking into one at any cost. I'm still laughably bad at makeup application. This month saw me starting part-time transition. Never felt more like myself and leveled than ever before. I guess that's the definition of 'being happy'.

Still, there are continuing struggles with greater self-acceptance where I can allow myself to make mistakes and progress. I've always had problem with my weight...i never realized it was tied to my self-acceptance. This week I realized that. So finally, *finally*, I 'get' it. Time to lose this weight that's been plaguing me most of my life.

And allowing myself to master fears at every turn. I believe transition is all about working through layer upon layer of fears we have stacked-up over the years. The way out is the way in.

This morning on the way to my weekly meeting across town I was thinking of how I reached a plateau in this transition. It's a place where it's more comfy than at any time before. (Not easy, just more comfy).

I thought the plateau was after I would go full time, but this sort of mini plateau is happening right now it's something of a complete surprise, and as I come out to a lot of people, I have support from enough clients to least pay most of my bills for the time being.

That sense of having to hide everything has melted away substantially. It's a really neat feeling, to find a certain point of levelness to 40 plus years of striving and failing. And I'm not even there yet! Even if this is just an oasis on this long journey, I'm very happy that it has arrived, even if only temporarily.




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[Robin414]

Wow, I'm truly happy for you, I can only imagine the relief you feel, I hope I can get to that place myself!

[Staci K]

So much has changed. I can feel, I can laugh, I can cry, I can care for others, I can empathize, I can smile, I can finally post a picture to this forum....



Monica, Thank you so much for posting this! I just started T blockers yesterday - hormones Aug 11. Reading your quote above was all I needed for reassurance I'm doing the right thing. I've wanted those same things all my life. It's reassuring to know they're coming. :-)

Thank you and congrats!

Stacy

[Leah Lynn]

It's not easy, but sure beats living a lie.

Hugs,

Leah

[PretzelGirl]

Monica Jean, I am glad that it is going so wonderfully. I am beginning to see that the coming out can be a series of plateaus and later, the self acceptance is another series. For some of us anyway. It sounds like you are doing great and I am happy for you. The world keeps changing and every once it a while you will look back and smile and realize how far you have come.

[Jennifer-GWN]

Monica... All in good time. For me as I started to make the move I found 2 things... Momentum grew rapidly (I've used the parachuting analogy in the past) and the feeling of freedom became my awakening.

Enjoy the feelings but manage the momentum so that it doesn't become too overwhelming and keep the support system in place on so many levels.

Cheers... Jennifer

[charlenesomeone]

So happy for you, it is a journey, hope to follow you too.
Big Hug

[Eringirl]

That's great Monica....good for you! And you look great. You should be proud of all the work you have done so far. But ya, this is sort of like an onion, and as you peel back the layers you find more of the real you. There are plateaus, and hills and valleys, there always is. Enjoy the highs, and prepare for the lows and you will be fine. It is amazing the weight that gets lifted from each layer falling away, isn't it? And remember, this is not a race, so continue to work at a pace that you are comfortable with.

Keep us posted.

Erin

[MonicaJean]

I am proud, I am more self-assured but admittedly I still am a bit scared. I guess who isn't until they get further down this path. After all, I'm used to not making waves, hiding away to not make progress, etc. Now, after being shot out of a canon since my transition-or-perish moment, every week...heck every day...brings new opportunities. Allowing the ever-constant change to be a part of things is crucial...that means I'm not attempting to control things from a previous life point of view. This can be confusing and disorienting but taking a deep breath every day of thankfulness to reflect helps me maintain balance.

This isn't easy, and indeed it beats living a lie Lea! I didn't know it was a lie until I was faced with the raw truth: I could no longer rest on the razor's edge of depression, fear and anxiety. I realized it was a false facade at that moment.

Staci, this road is hard, no two ways about it. Keep pushing through, politely and firmly (with positive boundaries and positive support). You'll get there. Took me about 9 months after the start to realize these goals are possible, although marathon-like in nature. HUGS.

[Jorja]

Monica, I am so happy for you. You seem to have found the relief you needed. Yes, this road is hard but you will find it well worth the struggle later on. Living the truth is much easier than a lie. I transitioned 35 years ago and guess what? There are still days where it is a little scary. You jump out of bed and face the fear head on. Some days you get the bear and some days the bear gets you. That is life. All of your hopes, dreams, and goals are possible. You can do anything and everything you want to accomplish in this life. It does not matter if you are cis-gender or transgender, all you have to do is do it.

Understand, you are very early on in the process. You have years yet to be lived. There are going to be tough times and there are going to be really good times. Make the most out of your time.