Scared and confused...

[KayMcLaughlin]

Hi.

I'm 42. I've had some massive upheavals in my life which has caused a lot of reviewing of myself, of who I am, of what I am, of what I want to be. And somehow in the middle of that I found myself testing the water trying on some of my fiancées clothing. That led to an intense desire to actually try to go out. I bought a cute black dress, leggings, pumps, breast forms... My hair is already long. I looked into how to manage makeup - and then I gave it a shot a couple of weeks ago. I went to a local LGBT club, en femme, as Kay.

It was a crazy night. I live in an apartment building, so I did makeup, tossed on a ball cap and make clothes with a body suit and leggings on underneath my guy clothes. I found a quiet spot, shucked off my shirt. Put on the black dress - it zips up the front. Slid off the male slacks, leggings were already on. Switched shoes. Then I walked a quarter mile to the subway, took it for a few stops, got off and walked the other half mile to the club.

I got cat calls. Which was a VERY odd experience. People were reading me as female. Pretty clearly, from what they were saying... It was rude, but because I was trying to pass flattering at the same time.

The night at the club was awesome. I had a wonderful time, met cool people, and loved every minute of it. I stayed until the place closed. The subway was already shut down for the night, so I knew I would have to taxi back. I changed there, in a bathroom. I almost cried, shucking off Kay. It felt like being something amazing and going back to something drab.

It was a lot to take in.

My fiancée turned out to be very supportive. I've since shopped a bit more, but not gone out again. We're going out together to a similar club next week. She's interested and accepting, but I can tell she's wondering where I am going with all this. Me too.

We're going on a trip next month. The city we are going to (Reykyavik) is having their Pride Week while we are there. So I am bringing a bunch of clothes for both "me's" on the trip. I can be en femme as much of the trip as I want. No one there will ever see me again, most likely. It's the most accepting nation on the planet pretty much, in terms of this stuff.

I am excited about going. I am worried about coming back. If I spend five days living as Kay, am I going to want to go back to the other me? I remember what a huge letdown it was after just a few hours, and I worry that I am setting myself up for a mess.

This is all new, and so fast. I am alarmed by how right it feels, and scared by what that implies about me. I'd love to hear whatever thoughts people might have... This is new ground for me, and it's not comfy. Help? :)

[Pat]

Welcome! Sounds like you had an awesome introduction to being Kay. Congratulations. :)

Read around on this forum and keep in mind that with exposure the shininess wears off and things become more manageable. You have some self discovery to do, but you seem to be in a good place for it with a supportive sweetie and lots of confidence. The best advice is don't make irreversible decisions while in what's termed "the pink fog." This lasts your whole life; there's time to get to everything. ;)

[pamela7]

Hi Kay,

First, welcome. Take your time, there's no need to rush or to do anything rash. You are now part of a huge community worldwide, with incredible diversity. We mostly have no idea ourselves why we do this, we love it and its harmless fun.

good luck and be open and make your own mind up.

xxx Pamela

[Belle Cri]

Honestly Kay, I really fight this. There is nothing more upsetting than having to basically having to turn back into the same old pumpkin (at least that's how I think about it, albeit negatively). I try to compensate by going out and having outrageous fun with my wife from time to time, completely (but very suavely, please) butched out.

If it feels right, it is, You are no more required to dress at home than you are in public or among friends, so that is really your choice, and that is where the complete freedom lies. Particularly, and crucially if your fiancé is supportive. Be creative, go explore, and make sure you do this for you and her. The dichotomy will oddly start to become natural, and with a lot of caring and communication, perfectly natural. Just be sure to make some time for girl stuff with her - you'll be amazed how good the bonding is there, and that's what will carry through the rough spots. If she thinks your just as sexy butch as femme, then frankly, my Dear, who gives a damn?

[lily1974]

It is a scary and hard thing to deal with. Must of us as kids are taught "your a boy act like one". Then something clicks in our head and we realize, "hey I am not just a boy". We are all complicated and have different personalities. Sometimes the femme personality just over powers then masculine. There is nothing to unusual about that.

This is a great forum with a lot of great people going thru pretty much the same issues. Feel free to ask us anything. Its also great your SO is so supportive. That always helps.

Have fun on your trip and be safe.
Lily

[Krisi]

We are all "confused" at best. That's why we are here. As far as being scared, don't do anything that you're not comfortable with.

You'll be fine.

[Rebecca Sue Willams]

I know how you feel about sneaking in and out of your apt. I live in a condo complex and I do the maintenance around here. I have to sneak in or out of here. That's why I take my little trips to be female and go shopping in the daylight.

[Allisa]

Feeling down after dressing is because of the "high" of something new and different so fast. When the dressing becomes more common for you and the feeling is more natural the fears of what it all means goes away to some aspect and a balance is found and questions are answered except for the "why", that is the 64 thousand dollar question. Please relax and enjoy yourself as Kay, you are lucky to have support so early in your expression of who you are.

[mechamoose]

Given the right audience, we are all awesome!

Gay clubs are great, but I still end up bending the ear of some Dyke instead of luring in a pretty guy...

- MM

[Katey888]

Kay - welcome, first of all... :)

Sounds like you're really jumping in the deep end with this... fiancées clothes...? Then an excursion to an LGBT club...? Safe venue, I know - good idea, but all sounds very rapid... maybe time to just ease back on the throttle a little; take in the scenery in Iceland rather than hustling in your high heels to the nearest club... I'd guess Iceland will be more suited to guy clothes and hiking boots anyway... ;)

Slow it down and explore a bit more here... you may find your enthusiasm can go down as well as up... :thinking:

And I'm impressed if you can go from femme to male in a club bathroom - I can comprehensively trash a hotel room going through both parts of the transform...

Katey x

[KayMcLaughlin]

Thanks, folks. :) I appreciate all of your thoughts.

Katey, you're right... It feels a little like having jumped in off the deep end. Although my fiancée said she wasn't surprised. Among other things, I discovered a while back that size 11 women's shoes fit me with great consistency, while I vary more in men's sizes... So all my shoes are rather androgynous size 11s. I tend to buy women's jeans, too. Stuff like that.

I'll see how it goes. Part of what's hit me so hard here is how rapidly this has increased in emotional intensity.

[kimdl93]

Welcome and relax. Mother initial rush will pass and you'll most likely be able to settle into a comfortable routine. Once you've spent enough time experiencing life as a woman, the excitement will fade and you'll be in a much better position to judge where you want it to lead. Till then, just enjoy yourself!

[fiona frisson]

You have an advantage in an understandiing partner ...try and keep in sync with her

[Robin414]

Wow Kay, sounds like you are in the fast lane but the road looks good from your description 😀 This board I think will help a lot to ease the fear and confusion as you explore 😊

[Alice_2014_B]

Wow!
Very awesome she is supportive.
I always feel bummed when I have to change back to drab. Just went out last night dressed up with the wife; she is supportive, but said it feels weird out with me in girl-mode.
If it feels fast to you, there's nothing wrong with easing up.
:)

[nevarrie]

Enjoy your trip and wear what you like but make sure it works for what you are doing at the time. I know I have tried to go to glam femme when i get the chance and not been dress correctly for what I have been doing and not enjoyed myself as much as I could have.

Even after 20 years I find getting a few days to a week where I can dress all the time or even most of the time, I find afterwards I really wish I could do it all the time even more then the time before, but I know I have to go back to regular life for a while till I can get the chance again. I know over the last 3 years I have finally incorporated a lot more femme things into my everyday life, but that took me going **** it and not caring as much about what other people thought.

Enjoy yourself and enjoy having someone to enjoy it with. Having someone there with you always makes it better. I know that has always helped having wife that understands and is supportive and she new before we even started dating.

[docrobbysherry]

Did Alice need help when she fell down the rabbit hole? No, she helped herself!

And, so will u, Kay! Welcome to our world. A new world of pleasure, excitement, pain, and stress. I think you'll be just fine!
248308

[Marcelle]

Hi Kay and WELCOME! Well, I cannot add more to what has already been said. Just take things as they come, explore and your and your fiancé's comfort level and see what happens. Check out the site and read some the threads which might be of interest to you and don't forget . . . ask questions. If you can think of a question, it is likely someone here lived the answer. In the meantime, just breath and enjoy, you will find your way.

Cheers

Isha

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Kay, It really sounds like you had a wonderful time, Just be careful walking that distance,
the cat calls could turn ugly real quick.:hugs:

[27th Jennifer]

Welcome, Kay! You have found the right place for you to learn and explore. There is such a wealth of experience on this forum to soak in, it can be life-changing. It was for me nearly ten years ago!

Ana

[Jessica5536]

Welcome! I can tell you I am going through something similar. I'm really struggling to find where crossdressing stands in my life and what that all means about who I am and how people will treat me. It sounds like you are at least off to a positive start. Good luck moving forward.