feeling embarrassed shopping and maybe a tip to get over it!

[Robin414]

I was recently picking up some summer foundation in drab and the SA was COMPLETELY OK, (she recommended a nice washable two coat egg shell with 5 yr warranty...😅) OK, it was at the local MAC but I still felt embarrassed and it occurred to me that 1) I need to get over it and 2)what does that say about how I actually perceive 'us' and then I felt ashamed of myself, not for being 'ME' but for not doing a better job of sticking up for 'US'! Thoughts?

[kimdl93]

Robin, you're a product of the times we grew up in and the times we live in. Of course the SA was more than ok, because it is ok.

Your post brought back early memories. Back in the days of yore...the Seventies.... I longed to go the a corset shop in Fargo, where I was in college. I saw their commercials daily, walked by their store and discretely checked out their window displays, and I so desperately wanted to go in for a fitting. My ex wife, then, would even have supported me. I couldn't overcome my own reservations...primarily my fear of admitting who I was. It took thirty years to get past that level of indoctrination.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

you can do it!

trust me the more you do it the easier it will be

[Rachelakld]

As I always say
"it takes B_LLS to be a cross dresser", or you just got to be a bit crazy :)

[Annieenvelope]

I used to buy things for my husband and then went with him (as his cover) when he first started getting things, but now he goes all the time alone. I think the more you do it, the more confidence you will build and it will get to where it is no big deal. If anyone (doubtful) mentions anything you can simply state that it's for your ill mother or wife, etc.

One time we were at a adult store buying my husband some stilettos and the SA asked if I wanted to try them on. I whispered to her that they were for him/her without being obvious to the other customers. She was very nice about it and let him/her try them on in a fitting room so he/she would not be embarrassed.

The primary goal of a SA it to sell things not judge people. We have yet (in 10 years) come across one that was judgmental or rude.

[franlee]

As I always say
"it takes B_LLS to be a cross dresser", or you just got to be a bit crazy :)

Well I agree if you are a MtF CD but not so much if it's a FtM, but that would defeat the purpose. LOL

[AbigailJordan]

Yeah, I remember this.. the days of friends providing cover.. walking along next to her and just trying to spot something on the rail that catches the eye because you don't want to be seen rifling through each item like a girl lol.

Personally I started off by going out shopping in drab mode but far away from home.. that way, whenever that feeling of "oh my god.. there's a woman there she's going to wonder why this guy is being so meticulous going through the rail!!!" I could counter it with "So what.. I don't know her, she doesn't know me, we'll never meet or even speak, who cares.. it's not my problem to deal with".

I eventually got to the point where I could stand and go throught the makeup counters and pick out nail polishes or powders etc and not give a crap if there were GG's stood right next to me wondering why I was so into the makeup.

Never feel ashamed of either who you are, or the difficulty you have just letting that out in guy mode.. quick story for ya...

On one of my first shopping sprees in guy mode, I was away on business, had only packed like one pair of leggings and one top because I was in a hotel and wasn't sure how often I'd get a chance to dress, and I ended up taking a trip to TK Maxx, was one of those with guy stuff on one florr and girls on the other, so couldn't even pretend I was just wandering to the guy section etc.. so I just went mad.. bought about 8 things and went back for a try on session.

Anyway, one of the dresses I got just didn't look right when I tried it on.. and it was £25 so I decided to get a refund.. went back the following day and handed it over to the SA. She starts processing the refund and there was a female manager there with her too.. the manager turns to me and says "Would you mind at all if I asked why you're returning it.. is it faulty or anything?".. without even thinking about it, I turned to her and said "No.. I just didn't like how it looked on.. didn't work on my body type".. she smiled and said "ok.. that's fine.. shame really it's a gorgeous dress".. I agreed with her and that was the height of any discomfort.. dealt with.. done.. and not to be worried about again :)

[Marcelle]

Hi Robin,

I think Kim nailed it . . . a product of the times. No matter how much I embrace who I am, there is still that little tiny glimmer of "this is wrong" which floats to the surface of my mind every now and then.

Cheers

Isha

[lynda]

Hi Robin, you are right we should all stick up for one another, so many of us have won and lost so many things on our journey, that I refuse to let people make feel like I am doing any thing wrong being who I am now and I don't feel like I have to thank an sa for treating me nice, like she treats any other person, because that's just what I am , just another person, not a freak ,I just refuse to beleave I am less of a person, because of the cloths iwear or my mannerisms . sorry not trying to jump tread , love peace long live the sisterhood Lynda

[pamela7]

even so, it is more complicated. yes we can be fully ourselves, but if there's a lady really uncomfortable with me being in that section, I feel it. It's like wandering the ladies underwear section, as a guy you are judged as a pervert, drab or drag! It can be the embarrassment other people don't allow themselves to feel, and it can be our own. One way to tell which, and to resolve it is as follows:

the tip:

notice where you feel the embarrassment (body/head/...?), then ask yourself what is inside that feeling? ask the same of the answer, and do this six times. You will get to the source - another person now or yourself as a child/young adult/... and then you can notice where its coming from in someone else, and so it goes on, releasing you from having to keep feeling embarrassed.

[Teresa]

Annie,
it's great you went with your husband to get his first shoes . Can you imagine doing that alone for the first time in an ordinary retail outlet ? My very first time I was asked to put some knee highs on before I could try anything and that was in front of several customers . The next time in a different outlet I found a really nice SA , she had no problems with me buying women's shoes in fact we ended up having some fun ! I guess the real ice breaker was when she'd just zipped me up in some 4" heeled boots when we became aware of a male customer with his jaw nearly scraping the ground ! She tried not to laugh until she looked at me then we both cracked up ! After that she tried to tease me into buying an extra pair of heels from the sale rack, I eventually bought them after two more visits . I nearly went back with some flowers but thought better of it as I'd developed a crush on her, it took me a couple of weeks to get her out of my system but she was an attractive lady !

Robin,
I need to venture out to get some lower heeled wedges, I was only thinking today that we go through various stages of shopping now I feel I'm probably twice the age of most SAs. The thought may occur to them that this could be their father shopping for women's clothes or makeup and they might not like that thought ! Most of us say we don't get badly treated when out shopping but I guess if we do we perhaps should consider the reasons why an SA may be uncomfortable with us .

[Claire Cook]

While I do most of my femme shopping as Claire, there are those times when my guy self does some and like Isha and others I do have these second thoughts .... but they are getting to be fewer and fewer, and what better way to tell the world about us than just to own it? When I do have these thoughts I think of a story I've told before. I was in Macy's (male style) and needed a pair of low heels. So the salesguy asks if he can help me, and I told him what I wanted. His response: "You should try a pair of these Easy Spirits. I have a pair and just love them!" :eek: So I tried them on and he was right .... :battingeyelashes::battingeyelashes:

.. and Teresa, I just love your story!

Hugs,

Claire

[Belle Cri]

Nonsense, don't beat yourself up. Just march right in there and get your foundation. I mean, is CD money any less valid? Last I looked, it looked like anyone else's. I do it in drab all the time, I mean buying makeup of course. I am the absolute scourge of the local CVS, all the the ladies love me. At bigger stores, oh they love me at the tryout counter. Nothing for it really if others cause a scene. Just stare right back and say "AND??"

I do that in a very loud, obnoxious male voice. How surprising, me causing a scene again, lol. Well to hell with them, don't look then!

[alwayshave]

Robin, The hardest thing for me to purchase was makeup, at least quality makeup, because it is the one thing that requires interaction with the SA. Admittedly, the first time I bought something from the MAC counter at Macy's was from a young man (dressed as a man) with makeup on, rouge, lipstick and eye shadow. I did not intend to purchase any thing for my alter ego that day, but his presence made me say what the hell so I went up and stated I needed foundation for me. He was great. Since then I have had no problem going in and purchasing from the counter. If the SA asks if it is for my wife, I say no, its for me.

[Candice June Lee]

I am getting over that embarrasment. The more i go shopping the more comfy i am doing it. Usually i am in guy mode when i shop. Sometimes my wife is with me and sometimes not. Some people look at me and only a very few care or snicker under their breath. I have gotten to where i just dont worry about that aspect (shopping) any more.
We went out saturday with a group. And the IHOP we ate at was really lost with us. There was 1 guy in guy mode. Then a mix of of in dress, and GG's. As far as what they said to us was not bad. But our long wait, and poorly cooked if cooked at all food was not the best of service. We did all get any where of 10-20% off our tickets due to that. Worst service ever. But wasnt snickered at. That made it sort of worth while.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Robin, I am way past worrying about what other people might think , I just see what I want and buy it.:hugs:

[Mayo]

I'm relatively new at dressing and am trying to get over this as well. No matter how much I believe intellectually that there's nothing wrong with it, I still feel shame at contravening the gender stereotype and the thought that I'm being judged or (less so) that I might be alarming the women who are shopping. I guess it's just a matter of keeping at it.

[Saikotsu]

I used to feel that embarrassment at first. Still do on occasion. But really, the more you do it, the less you'll feel bad about it.

If that's not enough, then consider this: anyone who judges you or disapproves will be dead in a hundred years. In the grand scheme of things, their judgements of you aren't going to amount to a wooden nickel. Just shrug it off and embrace the things you want to do. I have never felt freer than the day I walked into a women's section with forms in and picked out some clothes and tried them on in the fitting room. Ever since then, shopping in drab isn't as nerve wracking.

Just be warned that doing what I did can be dangerous in the wrong neighborhoods.

Alternatively, if you walk in and act as if you belong there, people will treat you accordingly. If you act nervous or embarrassed, people will start to wonder. When people wonder , they assume the worst.

[Eryn]

I need to get over it

Yes you do. And so do I. You don't forget the indoctrination of a lifetime. It's always back there waiting to come forward during weak moments.


...what does that say about how I actually perceive 'us' and then I felt ashamed of myself, not for being 'ME' but for not doing a better job of sticking up for 'US'! Thoughts?

It says nothing about how you consciously perceive us. What it says is that you have been conditioned to feel shame in these situations. This was not a conscious decision on anyone's part, just the normal way that society creates conformity and order.

[HollyGreene]

Almost everyone goes through it. The ridiculous thing is that nobody else cares. They are out shopping for themselves - not judging anyone else around them. The sales assistants don't care either. I've been buying women's clothes for a very long time and there has only ever been one occasion when a sales assistant has said anything. It kind of went like this:
I was shopping in a supermarket that also has a substantial clothes department, where along with the usual groceries, I bought 3 pairs of knickers/panties for my wife (UK size 10). The checkout operator put the groceries through and then got to the underwear. She looked at me and said "I'm saying nothing...", which suggested that she thought they were for me. I said "There is nothing wrong with buying a gift for my wife". She said "I've heard that excuse before!" So as I paid and took my receipt, I said "No really. They're too small for me - I wear a size 12".
That left her speechless.

[CharlotteKristen]

I used to feel this way to especially when i shopped in VS and there would be teenage girls and their moms in the store. I figured out quickly I do not fit in VS! I then went to torrid and it was a lot more fun. The last time the woman there helped me pick things out and let me try them on. I have not shopped in a while but do not think it be a big deal now, she even this occurs a lot, so it was not big deal to them. I mainly wear panties at this point before I go into more.

[Brenda456]

We have come a long way!

[suzanne]

We are who we are, and we are all at different places in our personal journeys. I am proud of you or any of my sisters in this forum who can break free and have their own shopping experience. Everyone who does forces the door open just a little bit wider. In time, you will feel more comfortable and have more trips in public. Just keep at it.

How was the SA you dealt with? Did she treat you like a real, legitimate customer, or did she seem to mock you or make you uncomfortable? If so, go somewhere else. There are plenty of SA's who will treat you right, and maybe even treat you like a friend. That's been my experience more often than not. Just keep spreading your wings and you will find the right people. Good luck!

[Robin414]

Oh she was COMPLETELY accepting, she helped me exactly like she would any woman there☺ I did sense a slight sense of anxiety but it wasn't her, it was her mirroring ME, there's a phsycological reason for it I'm sure but dont know what the term is...one of the reasons I realized I need to represent myself (and ultimately all of us) more confidently😃

I do admit though, that place is usually swarming with insanely hot women and even if I were GG I'd probably still feel a little of the 'I'm not worthy' syndrome...hmm topic for another thread😕

[Tracii G]

Just get out there and own it is all I can say.