What to do with wife's clothes?

[christie]

First and foremost thank you in advance. This is a weird question for me to ask. My wife of 15 years recently passed away, I think she always knew about my dressing, but it was never an open subject. When she was alive I always made it a point to let her clothes be hers only occasionally borrowing a skirt or top, for a quick modeling session. Now with her gone, I do not know what to do with her clothes. I have always loved her fashion sense and she has so many cute things. I feel that I would regret getting rid of all of it. Just looking for some guidance and insight of what to do.

Christie

[Ineke Vashon]

It may depend on how you feel about her clothes. Will it be a painful reminder of your loss, or would you cherish those items as a memory? Given her recent passing, it might be wise to just leave her clothes in a closet for six months or so and let emotions take its course, until life returns to a reasonable normal and you can make a more informed decision. Then perhaps you might wish to wear some of her 'cute things' in her memory. Or you might decide to donate them. Please accept my condolences on your loss.

Ineke

[Ceera]

My condolences on your loss.

I was married for 30 years before my wife passed away. The last few years of that time I had been under dressing with panties, and had obtained a few wigs and one blouse, skirt and pair of shoes that I wore only in private in our home, while alone, but I was refraining from doing more than that or from shaving my beard out of respect for my wife and our marriage. She accepted me wearing panties but was clearly uncomfortable with me doing more than that. She had her panties and I had mine - completely different styles and types. While she owned some clothes that would have fit me, most didn't, or were styles I wouldn't want to wear. It took me about 6 months to fully go through her wardrobe and sort out what to do with it all. She had some things she had kept since elementary school!

When she died, there were a few of her things that I did keep for myself. These were mostly things that she either hadn't worn in years due to weight gains, or had purchased on sales or at garage sales and never worn because they didn't fit her well enough. I think there were only three dresses that she had ever worn very often that I kept, and less than a dozen skirts, casual pants or jeans, or other items. Also kept several unisex t-shirts and sweatshirts and jackets. I didn't keep any of her intimate apparel (bras, panties, stockings). My daughter was able to use a few things that were older and in smaller sizes, from before she was born, but which were well-made, classic styles that were worth wearing still. A friend of my daughter got some other clothes that were even smaller, but similarly timeless styles and well made. A few things we kept for sentimental reasons, including her wedding ring, of course, which I had made for her myself. Some of her jewelry that was good and matched my sense of style I kept, but she didn't have a lot of jewelry. My daughter also kept some, and I boxed up the rest of her jewelery to consider later. Everything else was donated to Good Will, or if in poor condition was thrown out.

Honestly, if there are things that fit, and that match your sense of style, why waste them by getting rid of them? Think fond thoughts of your time together when you wear them. My only concern would be if you were seen by mutual friends later who might recognize a dress or blouse as having been hers. That could be awkward, possibly, depending on how well that person knows and accepts both sides of you,

[Krisi]

First of all, sorry about your loss. I can't imagine life without my wife.

Are you asking if it's OK for you to wear her clothes? Or if you should keep them to remember her by? I would say it's OK to wear them but really it's something you have to decide for yourself. I think most non-crossdressers would offer them to relatives or donate them to a charity.

[Pat]

Very sorry for your loss. Like so many of the questions that come up it really depends on you. There's nothing wrong with keeping things you like either just because you like them or because you want to keep the memory. The flip side is you shouldn't keep stuff you're not fond of -- it's not a betrayal to get rid of her things -- they're just things.

[Lacyfem]

Yes, very sorry for your loss. I have worn a lot of my wife's clothing as she has wonderful style. Can't fit into all of it but definitely all of her lingerie. I personally would keep all of her clothing that would fit me and donate the rest. Wearing her cloths would make me feel close to her and she's a lovely lady and I love her much. So for me I think you should keep her cloths if you can handle it emotionally. Hugs and good luck, Lacy

[JeanetteX]

Hi Christie,

First of all I'm so sorry about your loss. Its a difficult question to answer as I guess this is one of the most personal emotions I can think of. But I think you shouldn't rush things. Give it some time and hopefully when all has sunk in you can make a wise decision. Whatever your decision will be I wish you all the best getting over your loss.

[pamela7]

I'd say "what honours her memory best?"

[bridget thronton]

For me i would keep anything that fit or anything that was an extra special reminder of my wife

[Linda_H]

My wife passed away. We were marrid for 39 wonderful years, and she knew of Linda and I often wore a dress with her, but always inside. I am a large gal at 6 ft. and 230. A size 18, but say it quietly please. My wife was a petite 5 ft. and 110. Nothing she had would come close to fitting. Even so, I will keep everything for a couple of months just as a rememberance, then I will let our two girls go thru them and let them have what they want, and donate the rest to Goodwill. She was fond of wigs, and had about 15, and all the same style. I will probably keep a couple of them, and find someplace that can put them to good use. Maybe a chemo hospital.

[Bria]

Christie, please accept my heartfelt condolences for the loss of the love of your life. I would suggest waiting as Ineke wrote, until some of the grief emotions have subsided somewhat, and then make the decisions.

Hugs, Bria

[Tina955]

My sincere condolences to you too Christie. I lost my wife of 34 years and couldn't keep any of her clothes for myself as she was not accepting of my CDing, she didn't want me wearing them when she was alive, so didn't think it was a good thing to wear after she passed. For the record, she had tried to be accepting until I went too far and she decided it was getting out of hand, so to save the marriage, I abstained for the final 27 years. It took me over 2 years to get past the guilt and get my on stuff. If she had been accepting all those years, I probably would have kept anything that I liked that fit. It's up to the individual to decide if it is ok to keep or get rid of.
Again Christie, so so sorry for your loss. It's been almost 6 years since my wife passed, and I still miss her tremendously every day.
Big hugs, Tina

[HollyGreene]

Sorry for your loss.
In the same situation I would be happy to wear anything that fit, in her memory. She doesn't understand my desire to CD, but acknowledges that it's something that makes me happy, so even though she doesn't approve or encourage it, I don't think she would be against me using anything that fits. She would expect me to give away anything that I didn't want to a charity, which I would happily do.

Having said that, only you can decide in your own situation as I can't know your relationship with her, or how you would feel about "inheriting" her clothes.

[cheryl reeves]

sorry to hear about your loss...i dont know what i would do if something happened to my wife of 27 yrs..have any of you thought about donating the dresses to a nursing home? alot of residents cant afford new/used clothes and would prob welcome the donation.

[ReineD]

I'm deeply sorry for your loss.

Unless your wife said that she wanted particular pieces to go to specific people (i.e. daughters or friends), then all the clothes are yours now. You should keep and wear what you want, and donate the rest.

[kimdl93]

Well, why regret it then? if you liked her sense of style, pick those items that fit and give the rest to Goodwill or the like.

I am sorry to hear of her passing and hope you're doing ok.

[franlee]

I offer my sympathy and condolence for your lose, I have experienced the lose also after a 26 years of Great marriage.

I have read all the post so far and agree with nearly every one. But having been where you are I can't offer you advise because I do understand that not only are each affected somewhat differently by lose and remorse but our CDing situation also is so varied within a relationship. And that will affect the memories that you will be living with form now until you pass on.

I kept my wife's clothes in the closet until I got remarried. I did give some of her things right after her passing to my Daughter and her Sister(my wife's sister). But I made the decisions as to what it was. I even gave each one of them to my sister (whom she was very close to) a piece of her jewelry. But after that I kept her stuff for the feeling of closeness until it was time to move on, not forget. And then I kept and still have certain things that I will never let go of. Just as I would want her to have done in the same situation. There is no rules. Just what suits your needs, don't let others affect your decisions because you are going to have to live with it. Those things are yours now and they are either important to you or not, no one but you knows and no one has a right to say or tell you how to feel. Just think it through is all I will advise.

[SharonDenise]

Sorry for your loss, Christie. I'm going through something similar. My wife of 40 years died a little over a year ago. I still cannot do anything with her clothes. I don't know if I will either. Her clothes remind me that I once was married, that a woman who loved me shared our home. My daughters are welcome to take anything of hers that they would want to have, especially her jewelry. I would welcome that. I can't see, at this time giving memories away to Goodwill. Her clothes definitely do not fit so wearing them is out of the question.

[Robin777]

My condolences

I don't know what I would do if my wife passed away. I know I probably would keep the clothing that fits me. My wife has known about my dressing since we were dating. I would cherish the clothes that fit and donate the rest.

[Nyla F]

Condolences on your loss.

I have an agreement with my wife not to wear her clothes, and I abide by that. If she were to pass away, I think I would feel like I was violating that agreement if I were to start wearing her clothes. For me, honoring her memory would mean continuing to honor that agreement. Is this the dilemma you are having?

I don't think it is a matter of right or wrong. Only what makes you feel more at peace. I hope you find the peace and comfort you are looking for.

Nyla

[Robin414]

My condolences as well, im so sorry!! When I read the subject line I KNEW this one would bring on the tears and had to think three times before reading it..... oh yah it did 😢😢

I would keep them in a safe place for now, I don't think anything else right now would prove helpful in the longer term at least for a year, maybe two, just my thoughts. Again, my sincerest condolences Christie!

[Alice_2014_B]

First, my deepest condolences.

I know this is very different, but when my ex-wife left I just donated her clothes away.
I wasn't into crossdressing when we were married. I did, however, wear a couple of her skirts after she left and before donating the clothes she left.
We went to a very conservative church and she always dressed appropriately; it was the only clothes she had, skirts, tops, and dresses.
On her way out she got a whole new wardrobe of jeans and shorts, leaving all the rest.

[Victoria Demeanor]

I don't think I could add any better advice then whats already been said, but I did want to add my condolences. I can not imagine that loss.
My thoughts are with you Christie.

[Stephanie47]

Sorry for you loss. Based on your age I am assuming she was a young woman. So sad. My wife has saved some clothing that has fond memories for her; special times in our lives or before me...prom dress, etc. I suspect I would keep some things she wore that would remind me of special times with her. Time will guide you as to when or whether or not to part with them.

[suchacutie]

My sincere condolences on your loss. Of course, your decision must be something you are happy with. All of our experiences are unique. For me, the very existence of my feminine self started with my wife handing me a piece of her ligerie to see if it would fit, as a bit of a joke. Turned out not to be a joke, and the rest is history.

My wife and Tina share what fits and I'must sure that would continue after one of us is gone. However, Tina would feel just a bit uncomfortable in the event that she would be in a public setting with those who know my wife, with Tina wearing what was obviously from my wife's wardrobe. Not sure why, but that's the unique part of all of us.

So, seconding Reine, follow your wife's wishes and the rest is what you wish, without reservation.

[Sarah Doepner]

My wife of 38 years passed away just over two years ago. She knew about my dressing and was supportive. There were somethings we had been able to share and I kept those in my wardrobe both as a reminder of her and for me to wear from time to time. The majority of her things were donated to charity, many of them to a local Pride Center wardrobe.

It's a difficult path to follow regardless of what choices you make. With time some of the choices become easier, so if it doesn't feel right to you don't feel like it's necessary to choose right now. You can wait.

[kayegirl]

Christie, I lost my wife of 35years so know your dilemma. She knew about my dressing but we had some rules the first of which was, Never with her clothes. So when she passed away all of her clothes were donated to Sue Ryder, a charity that provides care for terminally ill people here in the UK, and the place where she ultimately passed.

[Teresa]

Christie,
I will add my sorrow in your loss I hope time will heel the hurt and good memories will keep you going.

Your question is something I've thought about if my wife passed on, some of my wife's clothes I wear now ( she does know !) I would love to keep, I guess for the memory as well as not wanting to waste them. My dressing might become more open so I think it best to consider what my what children and other family members would think of me openly wearing her clothes. I guess the safest option is to dispose of them and buy afresh then the problem won't arise !

[Barbara Black]

Very sorry for your loss also. I've been married over 30 years. I always assume that she'll outlive me since she is a bit younger, and we both have long living parents. So I would be crushed if she does decide to go first. If you don't have a need for the space, or it's too tough of a reminder, I would hold off doing anything with her clothes, what is done can't be undone, and you might regret getting rid of them in the next year or so.

[Diane Smith]

Not a spouse, but I lost my mother almost ten years ago. She had been cautiously encouraging of my feminine proclivities in my early years, but wasn't aware of the extent of my adult dressing, I believe. I kept all of her jewelry and what clothes she had that would fit me, and donated the rest. After a year or two, I realized that our styles weren't really very similar, and that I actually wasn't using her things much at all. Practically everything has since been donated to Goodwill as part of my regular annual-ish closet cleanings. But I see no moral or ethical problem in keeping or wearing your wife's clothes if the fit and styles work for you.

- Diane

[St. Eve]

Christie,

First and foremost, my condolences in this time of loss. I hope you grieve well until there is a space opened inside of you to celebrate your wife and the relationship and have an embodied knowing that her being now resides in your heart and can not be lost even if her body is gone.

I can not add to what has been shared. I can say, I especially like the thoughts of just simply waiting until you are further in the process to make any final decisions.

As for my own experience....for years, when I traveled, I would often take one of my wife's slips with me to sleep in.....I just felt closer to her and the slip calmed and soothed me and reminded my of her love. I can imagine, when she passes, that I might keep and wear some of her clothing just to resonate and connect with her and give most of it away.
What I can also imagine is that I would keep of bunch of her jewelry, which was very important to her. The story I make up is that wearing her jewelry when en femme would feel honoring of her in a good way.

Peace and Blessings
St. Eve

[Cheryl T]

They are just clothes.
You considered them hers when she was alive, but now you have inherited them and they are yours to do with as you see fit, be it donate, sell or wear.

I would select the things that I liked and wear them and the rest I would donate.

[psion128]

Sorry for your loss. I know how it is to loose someone close to you. I agree with some of the other responses. Leave things as they are and after 6-12 months you can decide on what to do. Keep the ones you want and donate the rest to charity. Its really up to you. It would reduce some of the clutter in the home with some of her clothes out of the way. I know over the years people accumulate things. Let time heal your wounds. Again sorry for your loss.

[Monique53]

Christie,
So sorry for the pain and anguish that I know you are going through with the loss of your loved one. I have read through all the posts and the general consensus is to wait a while before making a decision regarding your wife's belongings. I totally concur as there appears to be no immediate urgency to make any decision right now. I know that when my Mom passed away, my Dad never did dispose of any of her things and I think that they may have given him some solice and comfort. When he passed, two years later, we donated most of it, but, there was no harm there. I guess, it depends on how you feel about them being a constant reminder of her and whether this is painful or comforting for you. Every person is different!

Monique

[AbigailJordan]

My sincere condolences for your loss. I cannot begin to imagine the hole in your heart.

I'm sure that, despite the DADT nature of things before her passing, she would want Christie to keep anything she likes. As people have said though, it's down to whether the memories that wearing her wardrobe bring you are happy ones or sad reminders of your loss.

She stayed with you for 15 years, and fulfilled the most sacred of vows to stay with you until the very end, despite any "issues" that may have proved difficult to face. She obviously loved you very much and I feel she would be happy to know that all her hard work building her wardrobe wasn't just given away.

Lots of Luv
Abi xxx

[Claire Cook]

Like Diane, I lost my mother years ago. I still wear some of her clothes and jewelry, and think of her whenever I do. I agree with what others have said -- keep what you like, wear what you like, and give the rest away to those who would appreciate the clothes. I hope wearing her clothes on occasion will keep those wonderful memories alive.

[nvlady]

I am remembering a television commercial about a woman whose husband was away for some reason and she put on one of his shirts to feel closer to him.
If wearing some of her clothes would make you feel closer to her then go for it.

[SANDRA MICHELLE]

Sorry for your loss. This is a tough and or easy question to answer. Do her clothes fit you and do they remind you of her in a positive way, if so then keep them. If it is painful or they don't fit you then sell them or donate them and buy some thing that makes you happy. Good luck with whatever life brings you now.

[Lori Kurtz]

Although you say you made it a point to let her clothes be hers, you also say you occasionally wore some of her clothes. Maybe you should examine your feelings about that: did you feel that you were somehow betraying her? Your evaluation of how you handled yourself then might help you decide what to do now.

Regardless of how you think that through, you should also bear in mind that one phase of your life has ended now, and another has begun. Clothes are just clothes. Sad to say, your wife is gone, and the clothes that were hers are no longer hers. If they are serviceable, someone should use them--wouldn't you agree with that? Does it really make a difference if the new owner will be you, or some other family member or friend, or someone who buys them from a consignment shop or secondhand store?

Sometimes it seems as though we go out of our way to find ways to torture ourselves with guilt about our crossdressing. I know I can't talk you (or myself or anybody else) out of that--if I could I surely would. All I can do is wish you the best in finding a way to work through these issues.