I need help to take the next step.

[JamieJay]

hello,
I'm new to this forum but as I'm sure is common here, I've been crossdressing on and off in secret forever.

Well I told my wife about it and she is sort of ok with the idea. She's helped my start waxing and stuff, which is kind of amazing!

I've never dressed with her around though and it's been a secret for so long I'm terrified of actually doing that in front of her.

So I'm asking for any advice you can offer about how I can take this to the next level. I really don't want her to feel like I'm forcing this. I want take it slowly, just not sure what to do next.

Please help.

Kisses,
JamieJay

[Jenniferathome]

JamieJay, there is no magic to this and no simple words that will make her jump.

Just keep talking to her and let her know you are available to answer any question she might have. Let her know if she ever wants to see you, you are happy to do that too. By the way, when she thinks she's ready, you might want to start with a picture. It's a little less "real."

Good luck

[Pat]

Talk together about your expectations. What do you envision as a favorable outcome? Putting on women's underclothes beneath your usual male clothing? Dressing at home alone while she goes to a movie? Sitting on the couch together and watching a movie on TV with you dressed? Going out to a movie with you dressed? Going out to dinner and a movie with you dressed? Then see if there's a path, direct or indirect, to that outcome.

It's hard to open up, even to a trusted loved one about crossdressing. Part of the issue may well be that you've been hiding it so long, you don't really accept yourself, so it's hard to ask someone else to accept you. And there's a fear that you may lose your beloved over this as it will require her to change how she thinks of you. It's reasonable to fear the change might not be good. If that's what you're afraid of, talk about that. Maybe she's afraid too -- maybe the two of you can devise a plan to do this in a way that makes you both comfortable.

[Marcelle]

Hello JamieJay and WELCOME! The hard part is truly over for you in that you have decided to tell your wife and she is accepting to some degree. The best way forward now is communication in all things that you wish to pursue. A while back I started thread on the next steps after the big reveal to which a lot of great advice was added by many here. I might be worth a read http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?226009-Communication-and-moving-forward-All-observations-welcomed-GGs-encouraged/page2.

WRT to dressing in front of your wife, as part of the communication process, ask her if she would be comfortable with that and then find your own comfort level and move forward.

Cheers

Isha

[Alice_2014_B]

I'll tell what I've done.
I initially told her because at the time I was thinking of doing stand-up comedy completely en femme. I later joined a CD/TG 80's cover band.
So she's seen fully dressed three times, last time we actually went out to some stores.
She's bought me a few black dresses, hose, and makeup.
She's done my makeup once.
But she doesn't want me shaving my legs.
Its easier for me to text her about my CDing than in person.
Only thing she knew before we got married was my love of high heels.

Just go with what feels right.
And definitely don't force anything.
:)

[pamela7]

Hi JamieJay,
Welcome. Keep it fun, keep it slow, don't make it "all the time", be attentive to her, give her time, be ok if she has bad response sometimes, reassure her you love her, have times when you're "being a real man" - whatever that means to her.

xxx Pamela

[charlenemichaels]

JamieJay - Welcome and it sounds like you made it here at a pivotal time!

I'm not gonna repeat what you've seen already.
Take your time and go slow with it. its all on HER timeframe now.

Just this weekend, i have slowly ended a decade long set of issues with my SO on supporting my CD habit.
I've had my SO for 35 years so to have a DADT (dont ask, dont tell) relationship isn't the best, it's a compromise.
We are working on creating a new framework for our relationship and she has valid points.
I want to honor those.

Make sure your life is not all CD (unless thats option for both) and let her drive.
I have chosen not to dress in front of her this time as her idea of me is DRAB.

Please check in and let us know how its working for you.
It's call a relationship for good reasons.
Now you will test your own heart and hers.

~peace
Charlene

[Tracii G]

Whatever you do just take its slow and let her decide when is the right time to see your girl side.
Maybe set up a date and time that works for both of you so she can be involved in the process of getting you dressed up.
Ask for make up tips and tricks or let her do your make up.
Let her pick out the outfit perhaps.

[TrishaLake]

I'll tell what I've done.

Its easier for me to text her about my CDing than in person.

Funny enough my wife prefers texting as well. WE are more open. That said we are working towards more in person communication about it

Just go with what feels right.
And definitely don't force anything.
:)

I also agree with don't force anything, slow steady progress...


Once we got over the shock and when I say we...I mean her...we talked to allot of therapist together to assure we were cummuncating, you need allow your wife to get comfortable and that takes time. I took a few drinks a few times to take it one step up! lol but I was always conscience of her feelings and understanding....

[Angela Marie]

It is different for everyone. People here have posted some helpful hints. Just take it slow and be patient. As with water you will find your own comfortable level. Good luck.

[flatlander_48]

JJ:

Glad you found us!

There is obviously a range of responses that can happen and everyone has their own set of boundaries. You need to have an understanding of where those boundaries sit for your wife. Some wives are OK with their husbands/SOs activities and participate while others don't want to see it, talk about, etc. The thing is, even if you progress slowly, you can still hit a boundary if you don't know about it. Further, sometimes those boundaries are fixed (for example, "I never want to see you dressed, but you can go out as long as it isn't in our town."), but others may just be a matter of getting used to it.

Anyway, apart from a "discussion", remember that it is an ongoing dialogue.

DeeAnn

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Jamie Jay, Welcome to our forum, When you are here you are home.:hugs:

Now that you told your wife the ball is in her court,
Just don't overwhelm her with this go slow.:daydreaming:

[Robin414]

By the way, when she thinks she's ready, you might want to start with a picture. It's a little less "real."

Wow, excellent idea Jennifer, that would make it easier from sides as well!

Good luck[/QUOTE]

[JamieJay]

Omg, thank you everyone for the kind words and wonderful advice. I will take it all on. Love and hugs to y'all.

The interesting thing is I don't know where this is going either. I'm thinking at the moment of just feminising my daytime wear a little (ideas that don't result in me losing my job welcome!) and introducing it in the bedroom (because dressing makes me feel pretty and attractive which really makes a difference there) but who knows.

It really helps to share though and get so much support from everyone here. Thank you so much.

Xxx

[Sarah Doepner]

I agree with the "go it slow" advice as well as keeping the lines of communication open with respect for her opinion, advice and feelings. The other thing to consider is showing your appreciation for her, not just her support and involvement with this exploration of gender, but with all that she does to make your relationship strong.

[JamieJay]

Thank you Sarah!
I suppose at a loss to know what little thing to do. I'm scared it'll all fade away and become real hard to start talking about again. The most important thing about baby steps is that you take them, right?
Xxx

[Casey Actual]

Like most responses here, there is no text book way to go about this. You just need to be subtle, like suggested earlier in a thread try showing her a picture. From there I would start with something in the middle, start wearing like girl shirts. Try going for more of an androgynous look, something that won't just shock her. At the end of the day though, nobody here really knows your wife better than you, So with that being said you will probably more or less know how she will react depending on how big of a leap you will take. I hope this helps, stay frosty~

[JamieJay]

That's great advice. Thank you Casey!
Xxx

[Krisi]

I wouldn't try "introducing it in the bedroom" anytime soon unless she brings it up. Many women draw the line at that.

I've posted "my way" before. I brought my wife along slowly. She always wore a "sack dress" around the house and I complained about it. She said it was comfortable so I said "I want one too." She bought me one and I started wearing it. She asked me to order her some Ahh Bras from eBay. When they came in, I was opening the package and she said "Are those my bras?" I said "No, my name is on the package." and put one on (and left it on). I said "Now I need some panties to go with my new bra." She said "Go get some out of my dresser drawer." so I did.

To make a long story short, she gave me a couple of her old blouses and I started wearing them around the house with my bra and panties, then I started stuffing the bra, we started buying me clothes at retail stores, I bought real forms, a wig, shoes, padded panties, jewelry, etc.

All this took place over a couple of years. Each time one thing became normal to her I pushed the line a little further.

This worked for me, it may or may not work for you. I think it's easier than the shock of seeing one's husband turn from male to female overnight.

[JamieJay]

So I already messed up. She had mentioned effeminately styled guys before so I thought I'll buy some stuff that's in a similar style - skinny jeans, t shirt etc, all women's, but not too obvious.
Long story short, she freaked. Not happy at all. I'm going to have to back off for a while I think.
I'm so impressed with your story Krissi - I wish I was able to hold my horses like that. I got over excited. I love her and I feel awful for having put a real big dint in the relationship.

Sorry for ranting!

Xxx

[Allsteamedup]

Could you accept that the only person with a right to feel pretty in the bedroom is your wife? If she sees you as pretty is she supposed to feel like compromising her own sexuality, like being with a woman. The reason that this is such a toxic area for women is that in the bedroom you are using your cding to be somebody else.
Do you understand what I mean?

The same goes for dressing androgynously. Either you are a cder looking like a woman or you are a cder transitioning to female. Have you clearly thought this out?

[Rhonda Darling]

Now would be a good time for you to pause, fill in some info about yourself in your profile, and write your introduction / about yourself and post it in the intro section. Doing so will help us get to know you and to provide better advice. What I might advise you about an issue might vary depending on your age, how long you've known you were CD, your earlier life experience, how much and where you choose to dress, etc., etc.

You'll receive all manner of advice here. Be sure you consider whether advice given is right for you before you plunge ahead. Most of all, remember that wives/SOs often are initially somewhat accepting, because they want to digest what has just entered their reality, but that acceptance can quickly turn into fear that you've changed, that you're not who they married / entered into a relationship with, that you want to transition, or that you're gay, or all manner of "you've rocked my comfy world and I don't know what to feel" concerns.

My my bottom line advice is go slowly, and remember the relationship is not just all about you. You need to honor her and her needs, wants, fears, hopes, etc. to keep the relationship strong.

Best regards,
Rhonda

[JenniferR771]

The above suggestion of a picture she sees first is a good idea. Don't force it on her --let her ask--or let her look for it.
And..use your imagination. Wear some style goofs, bad hair, or crooked lipstick. Grandma dresses. Its girlish instinct--she will want to help you correct your mistakes. She knows what to do from years of experience. Stripes do not go with plaids. Red shoes and a blue skirt--ah NO! Let her help you shop or comb your wig.

[Ashley_K]

Many good suggestions here. Be ready for "SO ups and downs" (and see that thread...people have been helping me with that issue since last week). SOs can easily be excited one day, and cold the next. Communicate, set boundaries, respect boundaries (and don't try to sneak extra time... Case in point), and go at her speed (which frequently is the speed you think she's going, minus 25%). We're with ya!

[CONSUELO]

Jamie,

Welcome to this site. It would be good if you could go back through some of the threads and read of the experience of others. Lots of good advice here already. Go slowly and try to keep conversing about what you feel and what she feels. If you find this is scary for you, remember that it is scary for her too. Longer term, consider finding a good and knowledgeable therapist to help you both talk through some of the issues that will come up in the future.

Look at another thread recently posted that has a link to a short film called "Forbidden Love". Check it out first but it might be something that you and your SO can watch together and it might help demystify cross dressing. Look at it first before deciding.

[JamieJay]

Thank you everyone. I will take your advice. I have to say that right now it feels like it'd be easier and better to put the whole thing back in the closet.

[sometimes_miss]

Edited, I found links for the movie. See at end.

I think that one of the things that scare our SO's most is the concept that we want to transition or are gay. Yet, I can think of one instance where a lot of women were attracted to a crossdressed guy: The Rocky Horror Picture Show. I used to go see it often; and there were lots of girls who found Tim Curry very, very hot. It ties into another theory I read, that lots of girls are a little 'Bi' at least from the waist up, so even if they found other girls sexy, they probably never acted on it, also for the fear of homosexuality (the old, 'what if I like it? OH MY GOD!' But it would be ok if it were actually a guy! ). I never explored this concept, although in retrospect, I should have. So, if you haven't seen the movie, watch it with your SO, and ask her if it would be alright to dress up like Dr Frank'n'furter. Maybe even go to a midnight showing of the movie if they still have them, where lots of the patrons dress up as one of the characters in the show. Just an idea.
rocky horror website with show listings: http://www.rockyhorror.com/participation/showtimes.php

Found it on youtube, not a perfect version, but quite good. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iMezOkzKXa4

[Katie01]

I wouldn't try "introducing it in the bedroom" anytime soon unless she brings it up. Many women draw the line at that.

I agree. I did that once and it sent us back A LOT. Things went from being a fun idea to having major doubts. She's trying really hard to get up for it but the lingering image of that one day gets in the way. I would say go slow and with caution to her feelings/needs.

[JamieJay]

Brilliant idea Sometimes_Miss!!

Thanks Katie01, we are in a better place now after a little talking. She's now making little suggestions like "would you like me to teach you to do make up" and "you look ok in that" when I wore my skinny women's jeans for her - mostly I respond non-commitally at the moment. Good progress though I think. I certainly feel better for it as it does feel nice to be starting to relax the hold on this big secret!