Confidence issues

[whowhatwhen]

I've been mulling over posting this here because I figured the older transgirls would rip me a new one :P
But on the other hand I think I need some tough love from people who've already done this crap.


My endo appointment is at the end of August and I'm gonna ask him for the letter for my sex designation change for my IDs.
Once I have the ~$200 and paperwork sent in I will be going fulltime the second my correct documents arrive in the mail.

Problem:
I'm scared, insecure, and with the self esteem of a wet rag.
I talk on IRC alot and they all tell me that I'm pretty/whatever but I don't see it, it makes me want to cry because I feel so broken over it.

You know I've still not used a women's washroom?
I just hold it in till I get home because I'm too scared, I feel "unfinished" and that I'm not "passing enough" to have the privilege.

It's definitely a messed up thought but I can't shake it.
I can't shake the feeling of not having done enough to call myself a woman despite knowing inside it's who I am.

I'm writing this and I feel like crying.

How did you manage to overcome this BS insecurity or is it just me being crazy?

[AllieSF]

You are not being crazy, and this is a real problem that I believe is very important for you to come to terms with so that you can put this behind you as a minor issue. I can only recommend to you what has worked for me regarding other issues of insecurity not dealing with being TG. I recommend that you put yourself out their in those difficult situations, like using the women's restroom as much as possible. My belief is that the more you do it, the less frightening it becomes and the quicker your fears regarding this will begin to fade. The same goes for interfacing with strangers. If you look and act like a female, even though you may not totally look like one, the quicker you will find that real average people will treat you well. All this does not mean that you will never have negative experiences once in awhile, but they will never be that many nor that often. They will be more like isolated bad moments versus the norm as you go out to interact as a women in the real world. From my own experiences of being out about 100 times a year with no real problems to report, and from all that I have read here from our members, that fear is in your mind and not something that you should expect to occur every time you go out.

Confront the fear by putting yourself in those fearful situations as often as possible and you will change for the positive. Good luck.

[arbon]

Just pushed myself through it as much as I could.
Time and experience will make it better.

Don't feel bad, I was also very insecure and I took a while for me to be comfortable in the womens room too. And I still don't think I pass very well (but I am not insecure about it anymore). We can be our worst judges. Sometimes our thinking about ourselves can be very wrong - and your wrong because you do look very good, at least from the photos you have shared. Your going to be fine out there. .

[Angela Campbell]

This is a very difficult fear to get through. We all go through some of this. Unfortunately the only thing that I can tell you is that for me the only way to get comfortable was to go out and do that which I was most terrified of. Over and over and over.


There. New one ripped.

[Marcelle]

Hello,

Not being TS but living complete days when I identify as a woman, I can only speak to being in public and interacting from my own POV. It was and in some ways still is difficult, I can blend on a quick blush but I never survive first contact and will never pass. I have learned to accept this as a TG person and have chosen to purposely put myself in very close proximity to others (e.g., public transit, the work place, ladies rest rooms) to build confidence in presenting in the gender I wish to present. Now for me, while I suffer from GD, there is no immediate need to transition and while I identify as a woman on some days, I accept my limitations in visage and physiology as my own sense of being a woman derives internally (for me). I am fully cognizant that this is fundamentally different from the TS members who struggle with bringing their sense of self in line with their physical appearance and it could be why (if you are TS) that you struggle and feel emotionally drained. However, I am not in a position to speak to that and I am sure the TS members will provide better insight.

However, I truly believe the only way to build confidence is to get out there and live as you need to live while pursuing your own path to transition. Again I speak only as TG person stuck along the pathway of gender fluidity. Will all encounters be great and wonderful? No. The hard reality is that there are those who do not get us and some will be quite vocal, others will seethe and some will just be rude and ignore. My point is, if this is a path you need to travel, it is something you will have to learn to deal with at some point especially if you plan to live full time.

Cheers

Isha

[becky77]

You just have to put your head up and do it.
Walk into the ladies like you belong, after a while you will belong.

Don't show people your fear, take those steps and it will get progressively easier until after a while you no longer notice and it becomes your way of life.

You are a fair bit younger than me so I'm not going to rip you anything. Took me ages to get past the fear and own my life.

[Angela Campbell]

The first week after i went full time, after being in public a lot for over a year, I had to stop at a rest area to use the facilities. I found out that right before I stopped a bus full of young teenage girls had stopped. Trial by fire I guess.

[stefan37]

Transition is a constant process of stepping outside our comfort zone. Only to face another uncomfortable zone. And the process goes on. You need to just do it. After a couple times if will feel second nature. Really step outside your zone. Put a dress on and go out ( I don't mean you need to wear them consistently. Use the dress as a tool to push out if your comfort zone). It's hard. But if you need to live as a woman. Then you need to get used to interacting as one.

[whowhatwhen]

The weird thing is that I seem to pass/blend consistently yet it's still an issue with me.
I just can't see what everyone else sees.

[Jennifer-GWN]

When I get back to Toronto we ARE going out. 2 women... On the town... Doing whatever comes to mind. There's strength in numbers.

Looking forward to it. Smiles Jennifer.

[arbon]

Well there is something wrong with your eyes then

[kimdl93]

I'm not sure any of us ever fully escapes self doubts and accompanying fears. I have more reasons than most to question my ability to blend in....I hesitate even to use the word "pass". But somehow, maybe it's just my innate stubbornness, but my need to be out and interact socially and publicly as a woman has overwhelmed my self doubts and fears. Yes, even in public restrooms in Kansas!

[Jorja]

WWW, Don't make me come up there and drag you out screaming and hollering! :)

Confidence comes from doing. When you were little and learning to tie your shoe it was difficult because you lacked confidence that you could do it. When you first went out as a girl it was difficult because you lacked confidence that you could do it. It is the same thing with using the women's room. After you do it a few times you will wonder what the problem was. Don't show fear and approach it like it is an everyday thing for you. It's going to the bathroom after all.

[Anne2345]

From Caddybathroom:

Ty Webb: Just be the pee, be the pee, be the pee. You're not being the pee Danny.

Danny Noonan: It's hard when you're talking like that.


I was scared out of my freaking mind when I first began using the women's bathroom. I had visions of rape whistles being blown, clouds of mace being showered in my face, and big angry men waiting outside to kick my tranny ass.

But when you gotta go, you gotta go, and at the end of the day it's just a bathroom, and that's ALL it is.

The first several times I asked friends to accompany me into restrooms. I felt less alone, less exposed, and less vulnerable. Knowing, however, that I couldn't rely on my friends to accompanying me to pee for the rest of my life, I began forcing myself to go alone, and in increasingly more public and well-trafficked areas. It took some time, it took some doing, but in time, I realized that all of my fears were, well, just that - fear. Nothing bad has happened. The earth didn't explode. And I didn't even plummet into some bizarre wormhole rip in the space-time continuum as I tinkled away or anything.

Sure, some women looked at me a little funny or sideways at times, but so what? I survived to pee another day, as did they. But the more and more I used to bathroom, the more and more comfortable with it I became. And the more comfortable I became, the more confident and feeling as if I belonged I became. Because here's the secret - I do belong, and it's the right bathroom for me to use. I know it, and the others know it, too. Nobody questions me now. Nobody gives me a second look. I own it, and that's that.

You, too, belong, and it's the right bathroom for *you* to use.

Like the others have said, it'll come. But you gotta hit your fear head-on and work through it. There is no other way. No other way, that is, other than to be the pee, but that's kinda gross and all . . . .

[LeaP]

... I need some tough love from people who've already done this crap.


Anne, you need to pay attention to detail. The concern is POO, not pee.

[Suzanne F]

I just remind myself I have every right to be there. I hold my head up high and smile when I encounter women in the bathroom or going in. I do not slink around. Yes it was scary. I don't even flinch now. The most difficult test for me was at an NBA finals game in Oakland. I stood inline in bright lights with hundreds of women to go into the bathroom. Guess what, nothing happened!
Suzanne

[whowhatwhen]

When I get back to Toronto we ARE going out. 2 women... On the town... Doing whatever comes to mind. There's strength in numbers.

Looking forward to it. Smiles Jennifer.

That would be nice :3

It seems that all this stuff started cropping up the closer I've gotten to going full time.
I appreciate all the advice though, I'll try to work through it plus I'll be talking with my therapist tomorrow morning.

[PretzelGirl]

Try to go out with others. Start with safer areas and use the bathroom at home beforehand. Then start expanding out. I went out my first time with Kathi Lake. If you never read her stories you missed a classic definition of confidence and fun. It made it easy when I went out regularly as it rubbed off greatly. My nerve would get a little weaker if I didn't go out for a while. Thankfully that didn't happen much as I started only going out as my true self. That was a little under 5 years before I went full time. So it isn't necessarily easy, depending how you are wired. But improvement can happen when done in baby steps and by starting with some company.

[whowhatwhen]

I go out all the time, I'm not afraid to leave the house or anything it's just my self esteem and body image issues are wreaking havoc on my confidence.

[Eryn]

There is no easy answer. There were just things that I had to do, and it was much easier once committed.

Going to a women's restroom was tough. Waiting in line for a women's restroom was tougher. I suffered through both and now I hardly give it a second thought.

Talking to people was tough. However, if I want to live I have to talk to people. It got easier with practice. Now it's often fun.

Virtually all our fears is in our own heads. Once we confront those fears they often evaporate. Those that are more stubborn will at least fade with practice.

[ReineD]

The weird thing is that I seem to pass/blend consistently yet it's still an issue with me.
I just can't see what everyone else sees.

I think it's just a matter of time. You've seen a certain image in the mirror all your life until what ... a year or so ago? Your eyes and your subconscious need to unlearn seeing a male.

I'll give you an analogy, as inadequate as it is: a good (GG) friend had a BA about 7 years ago. She had felt her breasts were not in proportion to her body since her teen years. She was in her early 40s when she had it done, and she wanted to like her body before her upcoming wedding night (2nd marriage). So some time after surgery (maybe 2-3 weeks), she called me. She was crying. She said that I would probably think she was crazy, but she was looking in the mirror and she could not see any difference from before the surgery, despite the fact that she knew her bra was 2 cups larger. She asked if she could please come over and show me her breasts, and could I please tell her the truth (note ... she had gone from an A to C cup, at 5'4).

Well, there was a huge difference! I told her so and swore it (she knew I wouldn't lie to her anyway), and she felt better. She acknowledged that it likely was all in her head, but she still could not perceive the difference in her body. This woman is a licensed psychologist. What I suspect though, is that her mind's eye might have imagined that the BA would improve her overall appearance, meaning other things about herself that she might not have liked, like (I'm guessing) maybe her proportional weight, or maybe her nose, etc, faults that only she might have seen that others do not consider are faults. And since she only had the BA and nothing else, maybe she was disappointed at the reality of her results. But, that's just a guess. Anyway, about a year later the subject came up and she did tell me that she could see the difference. And that was just one pair of boobs!

So there you go. Give yourself time, give your eyes time to adjust to what they see in the mirror and what is also constantly changing in the mirror. And if your interactions with others are positive, just try to be in the moment and focus on that! :)

[whowhatwhen]

...And then someone stares at you on the subway and you feel like crap for a while.
I'm okay with being clocked, it's gonna happen, but jesus christ don't stare.

[ReineD]

I know. Some people can be rude. I just stare right back at them and they usually look away.

[kimdl93]

The mind plays tricks on us, that's for sure. I remember one of my dear aunts telling me that a (then) age 65, she was still surprised to see an old lady's face in the mirror. She still felt like the pretty, teenage girl she remembered.

I need to add that I don't so much notice the stares, and I observe people's reactions covertly, like in reflections from windows and doors. But I suspect that rather than blending convincingly, people may just be afraid of me.

[Eryn]

I just let them stare and consider that some people are impolite. I don't stare back because you never know what unstable people will do. Not everyone you meet will have all their marbles. Nobody has permission to make me feel inferior.

[whowhatwhen]

It's never bothered me before but lately I've been getting really more sensitive about these things the closer I get to being full time.
Like, all the sudden the body image crap decided to start at a really friggin bad time.

The only thing I can think of aside from rudeness is that he was old and from another culture so maybe I'm overreacting a bit?

[kimdl93]

Yeah, probably a bit of over reacting driven by self consciousness. I'm afraid, though, the only antidote for this toxin is continued immersion in the real world. I know these self doubts and confront them each time I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror. At the same time, I also, quite realistically, can acknowledge my need for human interaction as a woman outweighs my fears and doubts....so out I go into the unknown.