Quietly Imploding

[Felicia Dee]

Hi all,

I am not usually one for openly complaining but I feel so lost today... my dysphoria is at an all time high, like for MONTHS without a break. I see Female me in every reflective surface, waiting. Male me is becoming more and more an obvious lie... a weight I wear around my neck. Since I started my transition, I've stopped "playing the male role," so now people (in places where I'm not yet out) have been asking me if I'm gay or something, because -- apparently, I seem so effeminate now? My clothing HAS become more androgynous... And switching back and forth is SO FRUSTRATING and triggering...

I feel unreal. I keep bursting into tears. I'm trapped. Not in my body, but in my life. I can't see an end. Everything is painful and there's so much loss. I keep asking myself if this is all worth it. Some days, I say yes! Others, I'm not so sure.

All I do know, is that I'm tired of being sad... I don't know how much more I can handle...

Any advice? Does it get better? Is this survivable?? :sad:

[stefan37]

It is what you make of it. It's hard, challenging. There are many downs. There are also many ups. Only you can determine if it's worth it. Transition will either obliterate or mute your GD. And give you freedom to be who you are. To that end you need to accept who you are and project that to the world. For me it was easier in the beginning. 2 years part time, I'm finding it harder. But the thing you need to keep in mind. This is a very long process. It will take many years. Keep plugging away.

[Krisi]

My advice is to seek professional help. Your statement " I don't know how much more I can handle." is worrisome.

[Felicia Dee]

Yeah, I'm in therapy... been going for a couple of years... I have PTSD and that somehow got tangled in my GD... Complicates EVERYTHING.

Still, thanks for your concern... I'm not suicidal, just intensely overwhelmed.

[Badtranny]

relax

If you pulled the pin today, it's just the beginning of a looooooooong transition. The time between stopping cross dressing and going full time (roughly 2 years) were some of the best times of my life. I was 100% out and eventually openly transitioning and I couldn't shut up about it. I was almost giddy because I've never experienced that kind of freedom to just be myself.

Yes, the dude act fades away and people do just assume that you're gay or queer in some way but for the first time in my life people began to respond to me as something OTHER than a man. It was intoxicating. Those were good days.

Eventually, you move further along and go full time and you discover that people are responding to you as something OTHER than a woman. Then shit starts to get real.

Enjoy every moment and don't be afraid to come out. I came out as gay first to test the waters at work, I recommend it.

[Felicia Dee]

Hey! You're from my hometown!!! <3 <3

Yeah, I pulled the pin. I'm at the starting blocks of my transition. Laser first (so I can be me more full time) ... out publicly and to select family/friends. Not at work, tho. It feels premature. Though, I am educating myself on the logistics of that.

BTW: I LOVE people how folks respond to me as Felicia... It's how they respond to male me that bums me out...

I will do my best to relax. *grunt* am I relaxed yet?

[mechamoose]

I soooo want to offer you some support Felecia, I'm coming at things from the other direction.

The pain is the same on many levels, I'm sure. But I cannot genuinely say I empathize, only because I'm an XY.

Maybe my best option is to offer a hug.

/hug

- MM

[arbon]

Your op sounds like me 4,5, 6 years ago.

It got worse, and better, and worse, and better again. Eventually it all settled down. In the long run it was all worth it and life got good. In the short term it was hard to get through at times.

I don't have any great advice other than to stick with it and take one day at a time, focus on where you want to be eventually and what you are doing to get there.

[Frances]

My advice: Stop going back and forth between poles. Become a whole person by bridging the gap, not by smuthering one side or the other.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

it won't get better until you move closer to your true nature..

the downside of that is the wrenching change but its something better faced head on..

you don't have to decide anything...just aim your goals towards your true nature and see if that helps...

[becky77]

The part-time stage is gruelling, waiting to sort work out while living as a woman everywhere else was psychologically draining.
Once I went full-time things got a lot better.
There are new challenges and I am finding an awful lot to still work through, but the intense GD is gone.

[Jorja]

I must ask, What is preventing you from just coming out to the world? It is much easier to live one life rather than two.

Does it get better? I'll be honest, it depends. You are going to have good days and bad days. Things are going to continue to drive you crazy. There will be new obstacles placed in your way that you will have to learn to navigate. For me it got better.

Is it survivable? Well, I am going on 36 years since transition. You tell me, is it survivable? My answer is yes.

You have to need this soooooo frickin' bad that nothing will stop you!

[Persephone]

HUG! :hugs:

Persephone.

[Suzanne F]

I am typing this in work mode. I had to be out with a customer today in male mode. It is getting worse and worse to have to do it. It is only a few times a week but it is harder and harder to pull off. I am trying to wait until I am closer to having SRS hopefully next May. I have promised my wife to hang on as long as possible as we are not confident about my company's response. My insurance is covering my treatment and I don't want to lose it before SRS. However, I am having to wear a sports bra now under my dress shirts from HRT. Yes I am afraid and yes it is going to happen. So, I know what you are going through and it is very difficult. Let's hang on!
Suzanne

[Badtranny]

I must ask, What is preventing you from just coming out to the world? It is much easier to live one life rather than two.

Indeed it is.

To all who are 'planning' to come out someday, know that EVERYTHING you do before coming out is just practice. Coming out is the truth that sets you free. Anything less is like racing in a gear too low, it's an awful lot of work with very little traction.

[Suzanne F]

It's more than a plan when you have come out to all friends and family, began HRT, risked divorce, lost parents and been asked not to return to your church. I know I shouldn't care about others opinions here but I am human and this is the one place I don't want to feel less than. For single women here who just have to plan for themselves I envy you at times. For me I have my family I am responsible for and child support until November of this year. I have chosen to be strategic about when I risk employment. So no I shouldn't tell anyone how to come out at work. I don't know how yet but I am preparing. As far as coming out socially I know all too well what the cost is. I have watched women here as they transition and come out at work. It seems the most successful ones had a plan and it was one of the last steps. Transitioning is a process and I am about half the way there. Yes the next steps are more difficult. However, I know I deserve the respect of the trans women on this forum. I earned it!

[charlenesomeone]

Felicia, hang on, and know you have support here.
Mega Hug

[mechamoose]

I will say this.. there is a common thing in being undecided. I'm an Aspie, *believe me* I understand.

Honestly, you just need to pick one and damn the torpedoes. There really is no other way.

If both choices seem equal, then flip a coin or do the 'wilder' thing (what do you have to lose??)

Things work or they don't, sweetie. That is true no matter which choice you made. If it fails? Get back up and try the other option.

<3

- MM

[Dianne S]

My advice: Stop going back and forth between poles.

Yes, I wholeheartedly concur. I found the few months just prior to going full-time the most difficult. Within weeks of going full-time I felt much, much better.

At my first visit with my endocrinologist, she asked if I was full-time yet and I said no. She asked "Why not?" and I came up with a whole bunch of reasons: Want the hormones to do some work first, want to get the name change started, etc, etc. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized I didn't have a proper answer, so I just pulled the trigger and went full-time. It was one of the best decisions I've ever made.

Maybe you have personal reasons for delaying, but I think you should try to do it as quickly as you can. Good luck and hang in there!

[I Am Paula]

I don't want to just repeat what others have said...but. The time after I decided to transition, but still had to switch back for work, was the very worst. I was so close, yet so far, and I used to lie on my bed and cry, putting off getting into guy mode. The last birthday before coming out to the whole world, I sat at my own birthday dinner, feeling like the world was caving in around me, as my family celebrated. Then they showered me with gifts of guy clothes and aftershave. Some gasket just blew in my head, and over the next couple of days I formulated my plans, and came out. Maybe I wasn't yet what I was to become, but at least I wasn't what I had been.

[Rachel Smith]

Eventually, you move further along and go full time and you discover that people are responding to you as something OTHER than a woman. Then shit starts to get real.


Truer words were never spoken or typed for that matter.

Hang in there Felica it dose get better before that stage.

[Badtranny]

However, I know I deserve the respect of the trans women on this forum. I earned it!

No disrespect intended in my post.

Goodness knows you have your own timetable and you're doing whatever it is you have to do. I support every TranSitioner.

[KellyJameson]

It's possible that your PTSD and GD are related. You did not mention the source of what caused your PTSD.

There is a form called Complex PTSD. I suffered from this for no apparent reason "or so I thought" but the "cumulative lifelong shock" of not living my actual gender gave me CPTSD. Most of the shock was experienced at puberty and than carried forward. I became very erratic and unstable as time progressed.

All symptoms of my CPTSD are now completely gone along with the social anxiety.

It is incredible how much harm not living your actual gender can cause. I never really appreciated this until after the fact.

[Karen62]

I am right in the middle of all this myself. By late spring of this year, I had come out to all of my friends (successfully), family (with mixed results, as this is where most of the relationship damage occurred), but I held off on coming out at work. I figured you choose your friends but not your family, and that fact was reflected is how well my news was received by each group. You also don't truly pick your co-workers (you may pick your boss during the initial interview, but co-workers? No choice). I, like many of the women in the above responses, told myself I wanted the HRT to do more for me (I've only been taking it for 5 months, and I only just started progesterone 2 weeks ago), I wanted the laser and electrolysis to get much further along, I wanted my 53-year-old scalp to recover more hair from dutasteride, and heck, I still need to work on basics like learning cosmetic skills, get my new feminine glasses frames ordered, grow my hair out more, get it cut to a more feminine shape, even gather more work-appropriate wardrobe items. I had all the excuses in the world to block my progress there.

But then I had a work conference scheduled in mid-July, one in which I had friends who hadn't seen me since last year. During that year, I've lost ~65 lbs. of weight, shaved off a 30-year full-beard, massively grown out my short hair, gotten my other (right) ear pierced, and then there's the intangible little bits of feminization done so far. There would be no mistaking those changes in aggregate, questions would surely be asked, so I was prepared to come out to a few trusted friends there. But I had convinced my work team to join me this year at the conference. I was really not planning to come out at work until, maybe, sometime this fall at the earliest, and perhaps as late as next winter/spring. But I then thought it would not be right if the conference grapevine started yammering about the changes in the guy from Expedia (me) and my colleagues, and especially my manager, heard those rumors (or my revealed truth). So well before I thought I was ready to do so, I came out to the teams with whom I interact at work, one by one (July 2 was one of the most emotionally intense and stressful days of my entire life, but I survived). And much to my relief (and surprise), I have been openly received and supported.

My big surprise is that now I am free! I am out and in the open. I am now changing my appearance on a much faster pace, a much faster rate now than I had been allowing myself in the previous six months before that (I only accepted myself as trans on New Year's Eve 2014). I realized all of the dependencies I had set up as hurdles are now cleared away, and my timeline, my schedule for going full-time, is my own, and it is incredibly liberating. I have accelerated most of the processes that were timelined for much later in the year, and I am loving every moment of this.

Felicia, I'm not saying my experience is universal, but from the stories told by the other women above, I'd say there is a lot of positive correlation to just making steps forward, some small, some larger, but always moving forward, and feeling so much better about yourself and your place in the world. If you feel stuck, perhaps you literally are, and maybe you need to examine what is holding you back, and address that issue. For me, it was my role with my employer. Just taking positive forward steps has helped me immensely. I hope you find your peace in your own transition. Remember what so many of the women here taught me early on -- transition is a journey, not a race. But a corollary to that is that you can't move forward if you're remaining stationary. Look for your next steps and take them, even of they are baby steps -- just keep the momentum of progress going. It's empowering like you won't believe.

Karen

[stefan37]

Hanging out on this site for a much longer time than I was a member. The members tend to be a little tough on pretenders and fence sitters. Some have solid plans with specific goal dates and finances to make it happen. My own plan was more fluid. In the beginning I took it step by step. Every time I came to that fork in the road and took the path further along transition. It just felt right. After starting electro, hormones and coming out socially the die was cast. I then modified the plan to include surgical surgeries. That timetable was predicated not on desire but financial. I have worked hard and saved religiously add all my transition costs (sans Spiro only) are out of pocket. That said I don't see much disrespect for those that start transition and kinda feel their way around. Everybody's timetable is their own. Early transition is a very heady experience. The liberation and freedom. You want to scream at the entire world I am here. But guess what. The world doesn't care. People are accepting as the changes are still foreign to them. Those feelings may or not change. But mostly do. Early transition aside from the fear of coming out is the easy part.

As you progress you will find it get more difficult. You may have surgical procedures to alter your look. You will have legally changed your name and gender. Your face is clear. You have worked in your voice, freed up your mannerisms. Maybe you are more outgoing. You would think that the world will embrace you as the woman you feel to be. Guess what. It doesn't work that way. You still have doubts. Even after all that work. You look at your reflections and you still see that male. Misgendering doesn't happen often. But it still will and does happen. They will be periods that no matter what you do. You feel different. Society does not accept you as female. Not male, but not female either. You can meet new people and as soon as they figure out something is off, or find out your Trans it changes. I'm not saying they don't accept. But they treat you different than a natal female.
That was my point. The longer you are in transition the more difficult it gets. Especially after laying out 50-70 grand and still you are not completely accepted as female. Yes there are some later life transitioners that take to living and integrating as female like a duck to water. I envy those. But I can't do anything about and neither can you. And there is a possibility after all the work you put in your internal expectations will not be met and you won't be satisfied.

I didn't know this individual personally but I knew many of her friends and her death had a profound impact on me. She was gorgeous, had a great body, a loving wife and family. Friends up the gazoo. Solid employment. Yet despite all this love, support and acceptance. Took her own life for reasons only known to her. Suicide is an issue and many are due to societies inadequacies. What I found is never discussed are the internal pressures that forces those to take their life and after what appears to successful transition.

[Eringirl]

Hi Felicia: I totally get it! I am pretty much in the same place. I am full time, everywhere except work. But I actually feel much better than I did before! Before, I found the entrance to the transition tunnel, but couldn't see the end, and didn't know how long it was. Now, I have a definite date for going full time at work, which means full time 100% forever. Once I made that decision, I saw the light at the end of the tunnel (and it isn't a train... ;) ) and I now know how long the tunnel is. So I am able to literally cross the days off on a calendar. The "not knowing" was what caused a whole lot of angst for me. That is now gone. Oh, sure....I still have my bad days when I feel like crap 'cause I have to go to work in male mode, but everyday is one day less. I am actually very excited about it. After all these years (55 to be exact), I am finally gonna do it!!

My reasons for not "pulling the pin" (I love that phrase!!) and going full time everywhere all at once, are fuelled by financial, physical, emotional and logistical reasons. But I am working on a time line with my boss and we have a date set in stone and are now working on a communication plan to move forward. So I guess for me, it was not knowing when this was going to all happen that was eating away at me. Once I bit the bullet and carved a date in stone, I felt much better. But, that is just what worked for me....

Hope you are feeling better.....

Wishing you well.

[Felicia Dee]

Hi everyone!

Thanks – all of you – for your support and encouragement! It's SO great to be part of such a rich community... :battingeyelashes:

I feel I should elaborate a bit... I'm out. Have been for a while. Publicly, to my friends and family (the important ones, anyhow)...

I'm not out at work tho, simply because I am not able to be myself EVERYDAY, which is kinda important, no? My main hurdle: I have a vicious beard. I can barely get through a whole day without black stubble. Before I can be smooth for at least 24 hours, being “full time” is just not possible. My skin can't take it. To that, I've had my first laser treatment (from cheeks to bikini line) and that did a lot of good, but I may need at least 2 more to get a solid day of clean shave... Like I said, I'm at the starting blocks.

Additionally – and this the biggie, I'm Married to the love of my life.

My wife and I are working hard to ride this transition wave to its conclusion and still be together. It's the notion that when one transitions, the people in one's life transition with you. For me, this is the raw and painful truth. The parameters of our relationship therefore remain in constant flux, which is really, REALLY stressful. Yet, we both are staying positive, thoughtful and supportive of the other, despite our individual conflicts. Fortunately, we've always had a strong relationship, so at the least we're building on a solid foundation of love and respect.

Also, this isn't my first stab at transition. 15 years ago, on the recommendation of my therapist, I went full time (female / andro), on HRT and came all out in a span of 2, maybe 3 months like a bullet. Without getting too into it, everything blew up in my face. Essentially, my coming out was ill timed and poorly executed. It was such a bad experience, that -- a year in -- I convinced myself it was all a big mistake, dove back into the closet and set about the task of being the quintessential male.

That said, now that I am older and wiser and have identified FOR SURE what I need to do, I want to make sure that I don't rush myself. I want to be safe and healthy and move at pace that is thoughtful and comfortable for not just me, but my wife. As much as I'd like to snap my fingers and be all I can be NOW, I must honor that this is indeed a transition. It will take as long as it will take.

Still, I feel unreal. I keep bursting into tears. All of this is SO painful and there's so much loss...

Kelly Jameson; My PTSD comes from years of childhood physical, psychological and sexual abuse that extended into my 20's, tho, it is the going theory that my GD predates all of that. Just not by much, so it's a pretty messy process to work through...

Again, thank you all for your support and kindness as I step into this new phase of my life. Your comments and input mean a lot to me.

<3 <3 <3

[arbon]

oh, you will need more than 2 more laser treatments. Sorry.

It can all get very stressful and overwhelming. I hit a wall in my transition early on and had to pull back. The problem was that I was already completely out, in a small community. I was stuck unable to move forward in transition or go back to the safety of before. So I just went with it the best I could but it was very messed up for a while. When I was finally able to change my name and fully identify as a woman - it was the greatest relief and a lot of the internal stress and pressure went away. Like others have said when your doing in between the two it is hard.