family member threw away most of my MALE CLOTHING ,much of which was brand new.

[chinabrown]

I have to wear most women clothing but I have jeans that are women that if I wear a long shirt you can't be sure they are women's.

This family member busted me with women in women clothing and some nosey person told them they seen me leave dressed in women attire once.


I don't know what I am gonna do?

[Lorileah]

that was mean

[chinabrown]

I think i'm gonna try the thrift stores until I can Travel to the outlets near tijuana and buy new things

[Beverley Sims]

Mmmm....
Sounds like a blessing in disguise to me. :)

[Shelly Preston]

Have you asked them why they threw away something that does not belong to them ?

[Marcelle]

Hello,

Well, I would have serious discussion with the family member who threw my clothes away and make them replace for starters.

Good luck.

Isha

[Krisi]

What family member? Why? Your post leaves a lot of questions.

[MsVal]

China, I'm going to make a couple of assumptions. First, I assume you live at home, and second is that the family member is a parent.

If those are valid, then I believe you are in a position of weakness. Your best way out is through polite education. Consider this three step approach.


You believe something significant has happened and it affects your relationship with others. You did not cause this to happen, but it did, and now people are beginning to react to it. What should you do?


At a management seminar many years ago I learned these three tips for handling unexpected, unplanned events (good or bad).


1. Own it. Don't hide from it; don't wait for someone else to own it; make it yours. Define what "it" is before someone else comes up with a definition that is unfavorable.
In this case, boldly come out to your parents. Tell them your crossdressing feelings. Tell them how you feel when you are marginalized this way. Let them know that it diminishes your feelings of self worth and contributes to your shame. Show them scholarly reports that tell of a 41% rate of suicide attempts among transgender people.


2. Get in front of it. This is your opportunity. Become the local expert in "it'. Develop a plan for dealing with "it". Don't let anyone else take "it" away from you.
Don't be shy, see a therapist, learn about your feelings, become the family's go-to person for all transgender answers.


3. Manage it. You've taken ownership, defined it, and developed a plan, now execute your plan and take credit for your accomplishment.
Boldly follow your path to happiness, taking others with you.

UNDERSTAND THIS:
Each step in the plan takes longer than the step before. Expect it to take weeks, months, and years.



Best wishes
MsVal

[chinabrown]

I talked to a phychiatrist by chance. I was helping her with her car. She told me that family member is trying to disable me and they are narcissist and does not have any friends. They were right. They are what's called a codependant and they have mulitiple personalities that are not coherent. They do not get along with NO body!.

belt.

I can get away with many women's pants that are not tight are have femine colors.

I DON'T WANT TO DRESS LIKE A WOMEN 24/7! I AM A CROSSDRESSER ONLY AND NOT A TS or either a drag queen or transvestite.

[beth_myer]

Wow, that was really wrong of that person to do that to you. I vote he/she needs therapy more than you do. Checking out second hand stores is a good idea. Depending on where you live, there can be a lot of options along those lines. Near me, there are a lot of different kinds of second hand stores and there is even a place that sells clothes by the pound.

I know first hand what it is like when someone you're close to does something like that to you. Hugs. You can build your wardrobe back up, you'll be ok.

[angelica92]

NOT OK!

I would take a real talk with the family member (if you know which family member was responsible) and ask them first and foremost Why they did this. Then try to explain how you feel.
My tip would be to try to wait and calm down before you talk to them, in my experience this helps with having the conversation/talk at an objective and more helpful level.

Can i ask you if you know why this person did what she/he did?
Have you had any progress since yesterday?


Regards
Angelica

[Krististeph]

As a Polack, I'd kill 'em. A lot. You do not waste stuff. (i'm serious, this is fiduciary incompetence, offensive)
As a crossdresser- I'd think "in for a penny..." but that's still pretty aggressive.
As a someone wanting to be pushed into full time dressing- you might admire the move.
As me, I'd be real tempted to toss out 50% of their stuff, or drag the a$$#@le into the police station and file charges.
As the optimum, see what $$$ you can recoup (sp??), slap up that family member appropriately, explain the concept of bullying/terrorism in no uncertain terms, and take whatever you need from them until resolution occurs.

If you are an adult, the story sounds a little fishy, if a teen/child, that's a retarded reaction by your parent/guardian/sibling. But it is on the side of acceptance. Still you need to know this was a shitty thing to do to you. Sounds like what might have happened to me if i would have come out 40 years ago- i was just reminiscing with my sibs this evening. parents are looked up to often as the absolute... in truth most parents are scared and inadequate. Not necessarily their own fault, but they can still be dangerous. Make sure you tell someone outside the family- a school counselor, an advocacy group. Yes, this might result in some charges or actions against this family member- but they need to understand this is not acceptable. in a fair world, this will be resolved by a judge, advocate, or even a social worker after tempers have cooled.

But tempers need to cool- seriously. So many people have no idea how to deal with transgenderism- this may have been just a one-off bad call, or it may be indicative of general abuse/nonacceptance. You need to consult a professionals- social workers and school counselors- with more details than you gave here. Do not go through this alone- my wife is a psych nurse- this kind of thing would be immediate serious intervention (assuming you are under 18), even if you are over 18- see a social worker. this is assault (case could be made) and theft. What state and county are you in?

[Krisi]

You're still not explaining who this "family member" is. Being evasive is not going to let us help you.

[chinabrown]

I was able to get two pair of jeans at a thrift store ,one women's pair that does not look feminine and one mans pair. I will visit thrift stores in different cities.

[flatlander_48]

DAMN, just DAMN!!!

DeeAnn

[Robin414]

I'd freaking lose my s...t, disown them, and then beat the bas....ed black and blue...but that's just the 'guy' in me (not intended for use by individuals with hypertension, suicidal tendencies, or history of heart disease, see your phsycologist if you think this treatment is right for you)

[Tracii G]

Something sounds fishy and we are not getting the whole story here.
Stealing is wrong so that person needs to replace your stuff ASAP or face the police.
That was my girl side talking.
My guy side would take all their clothes and burn them in the back yard along with their PC and Iphone and give them a swift ass kicking.

[donnalee]

Damn, Tracy, you need to work off some of that T!

[Kristine120]

That just sucks. Even on the best of days we may need to dress "casually", which means "tomboy in a t-shirt." Even GG use much of men's attire.

While this may piss-off many, I need to remind myself:


And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.
Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.
- It's from Page 449 (first 3 editions, pg. 417 in the 4th edition) of Alcoholics Anonymous or The Big Book as it is widely known.

[notready4public]

But it is on the side of acceptance.



I would have to strongly disagree with this portion of your reply. Acceptance would not force someone into an 'uncomfortable' situation by forcing them to present as something they are not ready to present as.
My SO thought that by talking about my CDing to her BF and her mother as if it were no big deal it would show her acceptance. In fact, telling people that I had regular interaction something that was a secret I had shared with her and told I wasn't ready to share with anyone else yet left me feeling betrayed and hurt for a very long time. She didn't do that out of spite, or anger, or jealousy. She truly was okay with what was happening behind closed doors, she just needed to talk to someone about it and they were the only two people she felt close enough to share it with who wouldn't judge her for accepting it without getting paid to withhold judgement.
Chinas incident is much deeper than that. Being forced to present in such a way is humiliating and degrading. Regardless of who it is. But I, like others, presume this is a parent or guardian. A rational parent would not force their daughter to wear revealing clothing in public to 'shame' them into stopping the behavior of wearing it occasionally. So why would they force a male child to wear female clothing all of the time if they were not prepared to do so? Shaming behavior out of someone is not effective. It only teaches them to get better at hiding the behavior from the 'authority figure' who attempts to shame them for it. Or worse, they stop the behavior only because they stop ALL behavior!

[Krisi]

re: "A rational parent "

No training or test is required to have a child or be a parent. All you have to do is.......... (you know what). This leaves many children being raised by incompetent parents. And of course, even among "competent" parents there are different opinions on how best to raise a child.

We're still not getting the entire story and it looks like we won't be getting it. Regardless, the suggestions of burning that person's clothing are childish and immature. That would only escalate the tension.

[Alice Torn]

Maybe report this to police? Good idea to hit thrift stores, or clothing banks for poor. That was very mean! But, Ms Val has a good point. if you live at home, you cannot do much, except try to get some cheap male clothes Like someone said, some people shoule have parakeets, not kids.

[trishacd]

Id be more pissed if they threw my fem clothes away

[chinabrown]

I am gonna sell some of the feminine stuff I recently purchased online such as my new breast forms.

[Candice June Lee]

Maybe a sign from the crossdressing gods to be open.
If my "boy" clothes disappeared i would be happy. But yet, i would be embarrased for a few days.

[Krististeph]

I would have to strongly disagree with this portion of your reply. Acceptance would not force someone into an 'uncomfortable' situation by forcing them to present as something they are not ready to present as.


You have a good viewpoint about the 'shaming', but understand I am not convinced of either aspect based on the short message posted. We are throwing out a lot of ideas here in an attempt to help. and every viewpoint is useful as we do not know what the actual situation is.

I do like the logic you worked through, and if that is actually the case, then yes, I capitulate and support your position- but then how is this to be remedied? I understand the negative feelings you are describing- but what now can be done to help? Where do we go from here?

You have to realize that you are essentially trashing a person that China has probably looked up to for all of her life- that is something that must be done with care, regardless.

I'm sure your post is meant to be in full support of China, but do remember that as much as we wish- we cannot change people by internet or by force. We need to understand why people react the way that they do.

But again, I do appreciate the depth of the feeling of 'shaming' that you describe- you make a very good point and one that should not be ignored. Ultimately- the focus here is to help China get through what she has to with as little permanent damage as possible. How do we proceed? Forward this to an authority? Not being glib or argumentative or provocative here- Please think about this and consider what might help.