Confronting the masses

[Betty IA]

My GF and I attended Gen Con last week. For those who don't know what Gen Con is, it is a large gaming convention (over 60,000 people) for us nerdy types. The con is held in Indianapolis, the heart of religious discrimination central (at least in the news lately anyway). I go every few years or so when I can afford it.

I decided that my GF and I were both getting new dresses and shoes and going out for a nice meal while in town. I nearly chickened out twice but decided that I would not have many opportunities to wear such a nice outfit and we went anyway. This was the first time I had been out in such a public place with "no escape" since we walked the half mile or so from the hotel to the restaurant and at 7PM it was still very much daylight. This is a very busy downtown area with that many visitors plus the locals.

Another thing that motivated me was that we were assigned a VERY conservative hotel that reminds you of stuffy suits, dark wood, high dollar scotch and cigars. This is the place where the Republican candidates stay when in town - a private mens club that has hotel rooms and was included in the convention block for some unknown reason. I decided they needed this as much as I did. My main worry was the hotel deciding they could refuse me service because of Indiana's new religious freedom law, which was a slim chance but nevertheless a possible outcome. At worst I could lose my hotel room and not have a place to stay for the con, though that would give them much more negative publicity than they would want, so I dismissed this.

The doorman and valet were occupied when we left the hotel so I didn't have to interact with them. One young man whom we passed very close to on the way obviously saw through the clothes and laughed out loud, openly trying to draw attention to me. I smiled back. The restaurant staff was mortified when I walked in. The younger servers were better about it than those in their 40s and above. I got some staring and some glares but mostly they were content to congregate in the back and whisper to each other. They sent out one server to our table who was a very handsome effeminate young man and he was very friendly and professional so I guess I can't fault the entire staff. A table of teenagers also had fun at my expense but that wasn't as bad.

I have to say I was fairly uncomfortable but soldiered through it. That many judgmental eyes on me was hard to deal with. I did not need to use the restroom so that never came up, though I can only imagine the reaction had I tried.

Upon our return it had become dark so most people left us alone. The doorman at the hotel didn't seem to notice me or if he did he didn't say anything.

Here's the thing that bothers me the most. This is a convention where cosplay is common and even expected. Grown men dress up as space aliens, movie characters, even female child anime characters. Some do this seriously and not "ironically." Apparently a male presenting as a female, something that is currently physically possible to become completely (were I to transition) is too much for these people to handle, yet a guy dressing as Sailor Moon is acceptable. The enormous disconnect still has me mystified.

In any event, I made the bold choice and despite the snickering I enjoyed our night out. I will summon the courage to do so again.

[Lorileah]

I think your comparison is off. How many attendees go out in costume to restaurants like you did? People tolerate a lot when you bring 60,000 people with 500$ each to spend...when hey stay within confines.

As for the rudeness, that is really sad. Your money is just as good as anyone's.

[Betty IA]

Actually, lots of cosplayers dress in public - they sort of have to to get to and from the convention. Many costumes are very intricate and require far more time and money than I have in my outfits. When they get them on they wear them all day long - at restaurants and on buses, etc.. The joke is there are Klingons at the bar during Gen Con week.

The hotel alone is about $1000 per room given the 4-night minimum stay. Indy sees more than $50 million in revenue from this con every year. You're correct, though. They can't alienate everyone for fear of losing this revenue but that doesn't stop some from making their opinions known.

[Rachael Leigh]

Unfortunately some folks just cant help themselves, I think people laugh so they so dont let the people they are with know they might actually think what your doing is ok.
I know I will never get this part of me but I have to deal with it you would hope someday so will our society

[charlenemichaels]

Hi Betty sorry to hear about your unfortunate encouter.
Really suprising to me. LAst weekend Comicon was here in Tampa and you see more guys in that well worn Sailormoon outfit.

I have photographed these folks while in Drab and years past en femme. Never saw what happened to your party.

Tampa is much more accepting of cosplaying whomevers and CD, TGs and a long cast of 1000s.
We freely enjoy when you party the night away dressed as you like and leave your $$$ here ;)

You will usually find a disapproving lot or two but that is the minority.
Again I'm not taking away from the experience you had, but the host city might be the issue??

Charlene

[Jenniferathome]

..., yet a guy dressing as Sailor Moon is acceptable. The enormous disconnect still has me mystified.....

Betty, first, ANY guy dressed as Sailor Moon will be harshly scrutinized. I doubt you saw any such person at dinner, correct? Second, you are comparing a man dressed as a natural woman to a person dressed as a character, a make believe thing. The more far fetched the character, the easier it is to write it off to eccentricity. Attempting to pass as a real woman is not "eccentric." Neither is typically "normal" but the latter is, at its core, substantially different

[Betty IA]

You're right -- the guy dressed as Sailor Moon was not in that particular restaurant. He was in the restaurant across the street. :)




Betty, first, ANY guy dressed as Sailor Moon will be harshly scrutinized. I doubt you saw any such person at dinner, correct? Second, you are comparing a man dressed as a natural woman to a person dressed as a character, a make believe thing. The more far fetched the character, the easier it is to write it off to eccentricity. Attempting to pass as a real woman is not "eccentric." Neither is typically "normal" but the latter is, at its core, substantially different

[Mink]

it's a screwy thing but I guess I can see it

man dressed as a banana at a regular restaurant with NO other person dressed odd... that's weird! and funny! people can get it!

man dressed as over the top female ... might make some people nervous... but they know it's a gag... ? maybe!

man dressed as a regular girl but with a beard / no make up or wig... BAAAAAAAAAD!

man dressed as reg. gurl but all done up? ... would still weird some out...


I mean if you saw THIS guy at TGIFs or Apple Bees or whatever...

you'd find it fun right?

http://www.geek.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/mcgruff.jpg

...

compared to THIS: http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2015/05/18/13/28CFBA9A00000578-3086264-image-a-4_1431953139559.jpg

I don't know...

it does kinda suck / seem baffling in many ways

but in other ways makes sense...


I guess the way it'd get weird is if sailor moon boys or McGruff the crime biting dog said to the shop owners and servers that THIS IS WHO THEY ARE! this is NOT a joke!

then people would start wondering...

ie. that older Japanese guy who dresses like a Japanese school girly girl!

what's HIS story!

[Persephone]

It is difficult to asses your situation. Although you have been a member here for a couple of years you have seldom posted and there are no apparent photos of you. Were you completely en femme? Attempting to "pass"? If so, perhaps this experience can help you evaluate your own presentation and suggest changes that you may need to make.

On the other hand, if you were not attepting to "pass," then what did you expect?

As it happens, a couple of weeks ago I was in much smaller Indiana towns, Lafayette, West Lafayette, Delphi and others, totally en femme for a week. Clearly under the same laws with no cosplay convention nearby. I flew, rented cars, checked in and out of the hotel, dined in any number of restaurants from plain to fancy, interacted with dozens of people, had long conversations with some, and, yes, routinely used the women's restroom, and encountered not a bit of what you reported. Everyone I interacted with was pleasant.

I suspect that this was one of your first occasions out-and-about and it would be natural to be nervous and less confident in your appearance, so I am by no means criticizing you.

Nor am I attempting to gloat, simply trying to suggest that perhaps you and your GF can use this experience as an opportunity to evaluate your own presentation with as sharp an eye as you evaluated the waiters and patrons of the restaurant. Only then does each outing provide an opportunity for your own development.

Hugs,
Persephone.

[Laura912]

Well, to paraphrase, you boldly went...and good for you. Do not stop.

[emma5410]

I think what you had to deal with is just the way society is at the moment. It seems the younger generation are generally better at understanding and being accepting. I applaud you for getting out there and doing it. The only way for it ever to become commonplace and acceptable is to make it visible. I am really pleased that it has not put you off doing it again.

[Tracii G]

If you went out as a "man in a dress" yes you have to expect a response like you got.
If you really attempted to pass "as a woman" as Persephone pointed out reaction is quite different 90% of the time.
The reactions of others is dependent on how you present so if I get those looks I know I need to do a better job with my presentation.

I will say kudos to you for getting out there and being bold.

[Ezekiel]

On the other hand, if you were not attepting to "pass," then what did you expect?

Well, Its not really how one presents but people in general who is not mature enough to understand that anyone is free to live their life as they want, and dress up the way they want, and that it should be treated with respect.

I get your point Persephone, perfectly in that you want to help her with the details she might be "missing" if trying to pass as a woman, but even if the OP wasn't trying to pass, its still her right to be respected, and should not expect rudeness from anyone, just as she wasn't rude to them even though they showed clearly their poor intellectual limitations.

Religious conservatives of this type are the worst, most childlike and inmature there is, so Im not surprised you were treated that way. They need to grow up... a lot.

I applaud your courage to stand on your ground.

[Michelle55]

I live here and hate this crap. I do try open some minds when I can (in drab and during conversation), but even then it is like pushing a 2 ton boulder up a hill.

The only good to come of this is it does give a opportunity to present the opposing view to RFRA, where before there was rarely a chance to bring up the subject.

[Adriana Moretti]

pics...pics......lets see a pic.......xoxo

[fiona frisson]

good for you adriamma and your gf ... pioneers breaking fown the wall of prejeudice brick by brick .... still surprised that you got the adverse reaction which somewhat cruelly can apply to the less credible cd

[ChristinaK]

People are going to react the way they are brought up. If you exceeded the norms of that group, yikes! Especially in an area that is not subject to external stimulus leading to change of their norms. Obviously, you were an anomaly in that environment. Motel 6, on the other hand, would have provided you the audience that is accustomed to quite a variation in demographic. I used to live fairly close to Indianapolis and I have to say that the mass of people feel that such behavior deviation is subject to extreme scorn. Not only scorn, but justified by their social norms. If they are in the majority, they will feel emboldened to express their dissatisfaction to the extent that their demographic will allow. It is a fact that some in our country feel that the fabric of society is coming undone, and we are a part of the rendering of that fabric. Therefore, we must remain cognizant of the fact that we are the Blacks that moved into an affluent neighborhood in 1965.

I'm glad that you were able to enjoy the event. Be careful where you tread. It's a tough world out there, but given careful thought, one can maneuver through the minefield quite successfully. And, I'm a conservative. It really doesn't matter that much as MANY Democrats are those that are identified via their union or local demographic, not by their social norms or true beliefs.

Good luck in the future,

Christina

[Richelle]

If you were dressed to "blend in"or "pass" and treated badly by the hotel/restaurant staff that you need to complain to the corporate office. You money is as good as any one else's.

Richelle

[Krisi]

Reading your post and especially the third paragraph, I get the distinct feeling that you went out looking for trouble and you found it. With that attitude, you go what you were looking for.

You don't say if you were dressed to pass or blend or dressed as a "man in a dress". It makes a big difference in how people will react towards you, especially ones who aren't constrained by political correctness or company policy.

You get out of life what you put into it so I suggest you step back and think about what you expect out of crossdressing and especially crossdressing in public. Most of the members here report pleasant outings, not the troubles you describe.

Read what Persephone has to say in post #9.

[Diane1950]

Gen Con could always come home to Milwaukee, where it was held while its creator, Gary Gygax, (love that name) was alive, if I'm not mistaken. The gamers overran the streets downtown dressed in all manner of costumes; filed the hotels, bars and restaurants, and didn't bother anybody. In return, they were largely treated like visiting baseball fans from Chicago; that is, with good humor and grace.

[Diane Smith]

I have spent quite a bit of time in Indianapolis, and find it to be, on the whole, very accepting. Perhaps it is not quite as liberal as Chicago, but I always feel free to come and go as I please and take advantage of the shops, restaurants and public services as if I belong there (which I do!). There are a couple of TG-related organizations that sponsor regular events, and a very significant LGBT community that is supportive.

In short, I think your choice of times and places to be yourself, and your combination of attitude and inexperience being out and about in public, probably played into your perception of events as much as the town itself and its people. Don't be discouraged. The next time will probably be better.

- Diane

[docrobbysherry]

Passing is the gold standard, Betty. Because some folks will mistake u for, and maybe even treat u, as a female. Obviously u didn't. I can't either. Which is why I don't enjoy going out dressed!:sad:

Strangely, wearing costumes around Halloween, I do and have, passed! Because that's the only time of year wearing masks isn't overly creepy!:devil:

[Betty IA]

OK I will try to reply to the points that have been brought up. As someone pointed out, I don't spend a lot of time on internet forums. Sometimes it is a few weeks between logins. I am not at the point where I can post pics of myself dressed, which I am sure I don't have to elaborate to those who are in my situation (work reasons and it is very real concern).

I was dressing to pass and have done so in the past with varying levels of success. In the half dozen or so times I have put myself into public view I have succeeded twice and failed a few times. Personally I think this occasion had more to do with my weight/height (6'2+" before the heels, though my gf is 5'10 and also was in heels so it wasn't as noticeable as if I had been alone) and the dress I chose (bright colors but I loved how it looked and felt). The guy laughing wasn't more than 5'9" and I towered over him.

I don't intend to complain to the hotel as they were not the problem (in this particular instance but they had other problems) nor was the actual server at the restaurant. The worst reaction was from a guy on the street and I wouldn't know the office #. :) I knew what I was getting into and reporting it here, even if it had been worse, isn't going to stop me from enjoying my life in the future.

As far as "looking for trouble," I'm happy to answer questions but only I can speak to my motivations. My experience is not yours/vice versa. Screwing up the courage to head out can take lots of forms and in this case one of those motivators was "people can accept me or not, but I'm going anyway." That said, I am here to learn -- it is why I shared this -- and the first thing that crossed my mind when the guy started laughing is "whoops, need better lights in the hotel room next time before I leave" because I obviously hadn't done a good enough job to blend in. Of course I was nervous and I am sure that had something to do with it. The irritation came later.

My GF and I have evaluated the things that likely contributed to not passing that evening. I am fairly good in heels but the entire area we walked was uneven brick/metal grates and it became uncomfortable very quickly. The guy's reaction happened early in the trip and K said "after that you were more nervous and less pleasant and people probably noticed that. You told me how uncomfortable you were at the restaurant." I am sure it is difficult for anyone to play that off.

I would love for GC to go back to Milwaukee, except that with over 60,000 there just isn't the room anymore. I was sad when it left WI. And I have met and gamed with Mr. Gygax - that is another story.

Thanks for all the responses. I will continue to up my game, so to speak.

[CynthiaD]

I was in Indy visiting relatives while this was going on. None of us really wanted to go though. I never got past semi-male mode, because I'm letting these relatives get used to it gradually.

By semi-male mode I mean no wig or forms, but embroidered jeans, pink tee shirt, open toed flats (with bows) and painted nails, bright red on fingers and toes. Next time I'll add a bit more.

[Persephone]

Rest assured that I, and probably most of the others here, are supportive.

You sound like someone who has her head screwed on straight and who has the Blessing of a supportive GF (the greatest gift). Yes, any situation in which you get "read" causes your self-confidence to plummet; happens to all of us. Confidence comes with experience, and, unfortunately, experience comes with the prospect of being "read."

Height can be a bit of a barrier (you can attend CD events in 5" heels, but better to let your gf wear them in public), but I assure you that it too can be overcome. (Ask Eryn about the time she walked into a restaurant in heels and had a GG in flats tower over her).

Bottom line, Betty, you're on the right path. A step at a time and you'll be fine.

Hugs,
Persephone.

[Katie Thompson]

Betty I applaud your courage. I have been out in many TG friendly places so have been lucky to never have some idiot laugh out loud at me. I am also a tall gurl and sometimes my wife comes with me but doesn't feel like wearing her heals. I wear flats a lot. I am just starting to go to vanilla places now so I'm sure there will sooner or later be someone who has a big issue with my choice of clothing. I hope I can deal with this as well as you did.
Hugs to you and your awesome supportive GF.