WTF moments but its all good ??

[Eringirl]

So, wondering if anyone else has had these experiences/feelings?? I have always had occasional WTF feelings such as "wait a minute, I am a guy, why the heck am I going this?" and the feeling passes and I am then I am back on track and good to go. Lately I have notice the dialogue is more like: "wait a minute, I am a guy, so why does this (being Erin) just feel so good and so right and comfortable?" So, the dynamic has changed in that it is now more of "why me, why do I feel better than I have in, well, decades, as Erin?"

Not sure what I am really trying to get at. I just notice a difference in the nuance of the perspective. I will be out and about and thinking that I feel SO GOOD, but why?? I am a guy??? This shouldn't be happening! My thought is that my perspective has changed my internal dialogue so that this now validates to me that "NO, I am not a guy....I am a woman". Hence being more comfortable in my own skin and really happy now?? Just wondering if anyone else has (or had) this change in their internal dialogue?? Just find it curious I guess.....

[Jorja]

Your WTF moments are normal. You have spent your entire life in a male body and now you are changing that. Your mind is saying, Whoa what the hell are you doing to me? You tell it everything is all right, proceed as directed. It is a natural built in defense mechanism. Quite honestly, if you are not having WTF moments, I would worry.

[Jennifer-GWN]

Yes but but but you've missed the central core aspect YOU'RE NOT A GUY. YOU''VE JUST BEEN PLAYING ONE FOR FAR TOO LONG. Do I need to come over and cuff you one. ������ just giving you a hard time and all in good fun.

Luv ya!!!!
Cheers Jennifer

[I Am Paula]

WTF moments are as normal as dreams. They can be startling, but in the end they're harmless. I would be very worried if you weren't having them. Just remember, you're a girl having WTF moments.
I had some doozies, that really shook me up, but I got over them. They're like the monsters under the bed. Ignore them, and they'll go away. :eek:

[LeaP]

In my opinion, people give short shrift to the reality of having lived a male life. It may be a mask, partially or fully. Doesn't matter. Living something for a long time creates its own reality. In that sense, even with a fundamental female identity, even biologically-based, there are aspects of our maleness from socialization at a minimum that are real. People talk around many aspects of this, such as privilege, gendered behaviors, and so on. All of these are reflections of that lived reality and how it has become a part of us. A good chunk of the difficulty in coming to terms with being transsexual is seeing through this. A portion of the typical reaction of being appalled at the realization stems from this. And the work of transition consists in good part of dismantling it. It may be a crummy building, but it's yours, it's real, it needs to be demoed.

How could you NOT have WTF moments? It took me a long time to traverse the distance between the rather abstract position of knowing what I was to feeling and acting on it in any major way. There were plenty of WTF moments along the way. I can't remember exactly the last time I had one, though.

[Suzanne F]

Yes I have them infrequently now. Mine usually center around my career. My mind screams you are finally successful why destroy it? Surely this is all a dream. Then I breathe and realize I am the happiest and most fulfilled I have been my entire life. Career means nothing without being authentic.
Suzanne

[Persephone]

I think LeaP has stated it very well. We are a composit of all we've ever been and leaving "home" is always hard.

Hugs,
Persephone.

[Eringirl]

Yes but but but you've missed the central core aspect YOU'RE NOT A GUY. YOU''VE JUST BEEN PLAYING ONE FOR FAR TOO LONG. Do I need to come over and cuff you one. ������ just giving you a hard time and all in good fun.

Luv ya!!!!
Cheers Jennifer

ya, ya....you only get to come over if you bring more wine!! :wine:

Brat ! ;)

What I am seeing is exactly what you mention above. My internal dialogue is starting to change when I have a WTF moment to "I am a woman, that is why I am more comfortable in my skin as Erin". Happy, happy, happy.

[Jennifer-GWN]

Shedding my male persona once and for all had a much bigger impact internally/emotionally then I had anticipated. It wasn't just the removed burden on physically living in and functioning in 2 worlds. I've realized how different these worlds for me as a person and how much more comfortable I am just being me. I see thing more clearly, interact more confidently and gragareously (sp?) and correspondingly people interact with me in a more natural feeling way.

So the shedding so to speak goes well beyond the physical presentation aspect. I'm new and improved...revitalized... Reborn in many ways.

Cheerio... Jennifer

[Rachel Smith]

Erin I still have those exact thoughts after 2.5 years full time. I am sorry to tell you even after all this time I cannot answer the question as to "why" it makes me feel so good. I just smile and accept it as fact.

[Donnagirl]

Your WTF moments are normal. You have spent your entire life in a male body and now you are changing that. Your mind is saying, Whoa what the hell are you doing to me? You tell it everything is all right, proceed as directed. It is a natural built in defense mechanism. Quite honestly, if you are not having WTF moments, I would worry.

Thanks.... I was a little scared to actually ask if it was a common experience, and Erin sums it up so well. I to have started to totally accept the fact that I am a girl, I am allowed to enjoy living life the 'right way', albeit in small doses and I'm right to cast off that lingering male self doubt.

[Nigella]

As numerous ladies have said, they are a normal part of the process of becoming who you are :) As you travel down the road of transition they will become less and less.

[Badtranny]

It's not universal.

I honestly never felt like that. I was told by more than a few people some things along those lines, but my transition was just about being honest about the things I was feeling inside. There was much consternation before I pulled the pin, but I never looked back after that, and roughly two years later I was full time with a name change.

I can't even imagine adding "wtf moments" to the huge pile of BS during the first year after full time.

[Dianne S]

I used to have the WTF moments when I was part-time. Since I've gone full-time, they've disappeared.

[PretzelGirl]

Mine started after going full time. For me, the end of those made me realize my minds self defense mechanisms had adjusted and accepted me as I was presenting. In a long list of settling events, that one was one of the bigger ones.

[karenpayneoregon]

I believe we all have them and for most diminish over time but could resurface depending on what is happening in one's life at a particular time.

[KellyJameson]

Being sick (GD) felt normal because that was all I had ever known. Changing "normal" by transitioning at first seemed like going deeper into sickness.

In my mind I was thinking "I'm crazy for transitioning because I'm transitioning because I'm crazy" It is a type of logic loop my mind was caught in.

Transphobia of which I had in extreme amounts was part of this. Trans people reminded me that I was sick and I was terrified of this sickness.

Thinking that what I was doing was wrong/abnormal/insane/sick were my "WTF" moments.

Not transitioning kept me psychologically unstable and in this state "transitioning" seemed like an insane act. The " WTF am I doing?" feeling.

Having "genuine experiences" of my actual gender and how I felt in them (free mostly but also "real" like I finally existed) gave me the first taste of not being sick and allowed me to see that what I thought was normal (sickness of GD) was actually abnormal.

Until you transition you never experience "reality" because you are not experiencing the "reality of your gender". You do not exist so you live in-between life and death. You are in the world but you are not because you cannot know yourself because you cannot experience yourself. Trapped in your body.

You remain permanently in an existentential crisis. Once you are out you "know health" and would never go back to what you were.

You can see it clearly in Anne's words even with all it has cost her.

There are many problems with being Trans and living as my actual gender but all these problems are "outside of me" because I am now "inside me" (not trapped so not removed from knowing myself)

[Badtranny]

I believe we all have them

Believing it doesn't make it true. As I said earlier we don't ALL have them.

[Karen62]

Erin, such a great question! I have had fleeting moments of this, but they are diminishing as of late, but have certainly not yet disappeared. One of the biggest issues I had to do, and did do, was fully accept myself as transgendered instead of being what I thought for a long time was a compulsive crossdresser. I wrestled with the issue (I wrestled with denial of the issue, to be more exact), but I had profound shame attached to the behavior when I thought it was only crossdressing, which generated so much of the anxiety. But despite the fact that I am normally rather analytical and a problem solver in all other areas of my life, I had ignored that area of my life for the entirety of my life, and it was clearly a big issue. Moreover, it was growing ever more powerful in controlling me, yet I somehow refused to even acknowledge it, much less analyze it (although how I could not acknowledge something that was so incredibly strong in me is, in retrospect, absurd).

When I had my epiphany moment last December, I decided to finally explore it with all of the skills I had, which is when I joined this forum, and then found a great gender identity therapist in the Seattle area to talk with. When I realized that was my greatest fear, that I was indeed transsexual, was true, but I then accepted that as my truth, my fear started the process of being eliminated. My fear was actually being considered trans when I believed I was not, not being trans itself, so simply accepting myself removed the foundation of those fears, and as a result, my WTF moments have really scaled back since last winter. I also believe HRT has helped as well as I was initially wracked with GD and thus self-doubt about myself, but this has mostly faded as well. I do have tiny, fleeting moments of "is this real?" or "am I worthy of acceptance?", but because I have fully accepted myself as trans, because I own that decision, I am genuinely OK with this now. The shame is gone.

Am I free from embarrassment? Not yet, but the embarrassment is not that I am a woman, but that I am currently a masculinized woman going through this awkward androgynous phase of transition. But I also don't really care that much. I am working hard to shed worries about what others might (or might not) think about me as I transition. I know I have a lot of socialization as male to unlearn and a lot of female social skills to learn, but I am no longer feeling I am not true or legit, and thus question myself for doing what I know is right for me. It's been a long journey (I just turned 53 in June), and I have a long way yet to go, but this is life, and I accept this as my life. It's getting better, and I just know I am finally on the right path for me.

Karen

[charlenesomeone]

Thanks to all who have responded as well. I've had these too, just to add a question to those that had these feelings, did hormones help them go away?

[stefan37]

Hormones are a tool. Just one of many to get the job completed. It depends on your level of dysphora. Some start HRT. The chemical changes bring sufficient relief.
For many social transition is needed for relief.

[Pretty Kitty]

I've had those thoughts a lot recently. I think it has to do with finally doing something instead of sitting on the side lines. taking the first steps to become me feels great but also allows me have the wtf thoughts. I'm actually quite surprised at how many people have that same feeling and its kind of encouraging knowing that I'm not alone.

[Rachel Smith]

Believe me pretty kitty you are far from alone. Though I must say I thought the same for many years.