Transition With Caution

[LeaP]

The "when you have to" thread has been running a while now, really along the lines of urgency. A recent response from Steph, though, gave me pause. She didn't use "need," but the phrase "transition with caution." Diane subsequently responded with comments on detransition.

These got me thinking about my own path. And I realized that I am long past any consideration of need. I sat thinking about people who detransition. It seems inconceivable. Speaking of those who do so because the decision itself was wrong (as opposed to those who may do so for survival), I can't imagine the level of massive self-delusion that would bring someone to that point.

But my path IS cautious both relationally and financially. The financial aspect is relatively straightforward. I originally had planned to try to transition at my last place of employment. I was laid off, along with the rest of the management, in an internal division merger. I had a decent enough severance package, but this still put me at serious financial risk should I not have landed by its end. I did, and took my current position … 850 miles away. That saddled me with the carrying costs of my house, which did not sell for two years, as well as living expenses in the new location. I had accepted a fairly modest relo package under the assumption I could sell my house relatively rapidly, as the market was much improved at that point. Wrong! So I have had a steady loss for the last couple of years. During that period, loss of my current job would have meant rapid financial crisis, possibly including foreclosure.

Relationally? I wish to stay married. Many of us do, of course. But while I'm prepared to do what I must, I will do it slowly. (By my estimation…) Please understand that I am not implying that other people don't try to preserve their marriages! It's more that it's taken me a long time to struggle through breaking my internal psychological barriers to getting everything out on the table at home. So steady as it goes has worked better for me in this regard. I'm mostly there.

Past the point of decision, need initially seems of less concern as things turn to considerations of planning. My experience is that delays in that phase (past the decision point, that is) can dangerously spike anxiety and frustration. In turn, that can trigger reckless moves or raise suicide risk. Trans suicide rates also reportedly rise around the time of transition. Before *and* after.

So my questions are these: assuming you are past the point of knowing need,

1) What are your particular risk considerations? I.e., are you worried most about job, money, family, violence,…?

2) Are you delayed?

3) What is dangerous for you?

[LucyNewport]

Lea – I relate to this post so much. I have in the past few months gradually come to the realization that transition is in my future. (I have sort of known for years, but couldn’t fully accept it.)

That said, I’m taking it slow for now. I am married, with two kids, and the last thing I want to do is destroy my family. My wife is aware of everything. I’ve been as honest as possible about this with her. She has known and feared this potential outcome for years. While she says that she wants to stick it out, she is making no promises. My hope is that a slower progression will make this easier on her, and in turn make her more likely to stay with me.

Slow, to me, means maybe a 2-3 year timeline. I want to work on some cosmetic stuff (hair) first, before moving on to HRT next summer. I know for a fact that I could get my therapist to write up a letter tomorrow and take that in to an endo at Callen Lorde next week. I want to more than anything, but I’m going to wait for now. I want to do as much ground work as I can before I reach my transition’s event horizon.

So to answer your questions, my biggest concern by far is family. A distant second is financing the hair. (I have a giant forehead that would never read female.) I’m delayed somewhat in that I should have dealt with this all years ago, and yet I am not rushing full speed into it now. The biggest danger to me is losing those that I love.

[Suzanne F]

Lea,
Thanks for the post. I have faced many dangers but employment is the last one I must face. I am preparing for coming out in the next 3 to 6 months. I am lucky in that my wife is fully on board and all friends and family have been notified of my transition. Only a few times a week do I have to don the male facade and go out to see customers. However, it is getting more and more difficult to do so. I get a sick feeling every time I have to do it. I see how suicidal thoughts could surface as someone is forced to go back and forth. I am trying to protect my family's financial future but in the end I will have to be me all of the time.
Suzanne

[STACY B]

Crazy Thing this Transition Process,, People can't all do it the same at all ,, Not even close, Jobs, Family's, Just public in general can be dangerous enough. We can share what works for us and just let everyone decide themselves through trial and error.

For me myself I think the most of the girls or even guys that transition make a Big mistake with the coming out to early and want instant gratification because of being closeted to long and they think (Well the Cats out the Bag) so just start right away presenting the other gender all of a sudden and the Shock from that instant change freaks our spouses out and is such a shocking thing for Joe public to choke down that it ends relationships right off the Bat before they have a chance to sink in good.
Just because you have been lurking around your house and slipping out here and there Dressed as the opposite gender does not equal being OUT,,OUT, In the real world. Now this is just my personal thoughts! An also the added financial stress that comes with all of this because EVERYBODY'S about the MONEY.

Then as far as the Job goes where you live and what you do for a living has a lot to do with it,, Just interacting with people depending on what and where is a Big thing. And as far as De transitioning goes that depends on how FAR you have gone? To far to come back or just kinda started,, People can go back and believe it or not they will forgive you once you conform to the norm,,lol,,, AKA,,,Welcome back,,,lol,,,
So this whole deal isn't a cookie cutter kinda of situation like most things in Life are. We are Pioneer's in all of this Craziness and we are paving the way for future generation to come, Just like all the people before us have done with all aspects of Life in the past.

Moral of MY STORY is trying to figure this out isn't easy because if it was it would have been done years ago,, We are getting closer but not there yet. Maybe our Grand kids will finish it for us?

So I think Slow and Steady is the SAFEST WAY, Just let it come to you and just chip away at it a little at a time, Cross dressing and transition are not even distant cousins in my book, Some may have started out CDing and some not, But once you pull the pin and start down this road Transition isn't a race to see who can look like the other gender the best or the fastest it's a Quality of Life and a sense of finally being at piece with yourself so you can Spread your Love and Joy to others like we were ment to in the beginning. So YOU Transition YOUR WAY not my way or someone elses way,, Your way, Slow an steady wins,, Most time that HRT will take the wind out of your sails and put a different light on the subject, So good luck and we all try several times before we get it right!! Just Saying,,,,

[stefan37]

My comments on approaching transition cautiously was in response to some previous posts. When we make that decision we need to transition. The acceptance ( certainly with me) of our condition is extremely liberating and we want to shout out to the world. Here we are. Keep your excitement under wraps for that first year and if transition is not for you. It's easier to abandon with minimal harm. As we progress farther down the rabbit hole. Turning back is much more difficult.
That said we all have our timetables and priorities. Some have rock solid plans, goals and finances and rocket towards their goal of surgeries and other stuff. My goals were much more flexible. I tried to go as slow as I could fit my wife. But I also needed to process at a pace I felt comfortable. Not having finances. I needed to prioritize. I have also noticed my dysphora is not as intense as others. I can live with my pace when for others it would be too slow and cause distress. Im scheduled for srs in Nov. I have no idea if insurance will cover anything. The surgeon does not take insurance and she is out of network. I have to plan on paying out of pocket as I have for all my transition processes so far. Thankfully I own a business and get a steady check.

Marriage relationships are difficult. My ex while not being supportive to the point that she encouraged me enthusiastically, Has given me as much support as she was capable. As much as I love her i couldn't let the fact i probably would lose the marriage deter me from my goals. She couldn't stay married to Stephanie and we divorced. We get along well. She is my business partner and co-owner of our company. We are still living under the same roof. How much longer we have no idea. At least until early next year after recovery from SRS.
I would suggest to anyone contemplating transition. Be prepared to lose your marriage. Other than this forum. I personally know zero transitioners that are still married. There was one member in my support group that stayed married for 3 years after FFS and SRS. They divorced last Feb.
I have noticed that those individuals that rocket from initial disclosure to quickly start transition and procedures have very rocky relationship challenges with lots of hostility. So I'm thinking slow is good.

Transition also brings different challenges at different times. I had facial reconstruction in Nov. I'm finding that misgendering affects me more than it did pre FFS. I've also had a very male week. I seem to be getting gendered male much more commonly this week. Maybe it had something to do with seeing my male self in reflections. Maybe it's the stress of preop clearances and still trying to figure out coming up with 12 grand by Mid Oct. Could be my hair. Who knows but its bothersome to spend money and not say a word and get asked "can I help you sir?"

Your timetable is what you make depending on circumstances. It is definitely plausible that the timetable can be delayed by life. And that has an effect on our dysphora.

Transition is a very difficult process as anybody that has gone through it will testify. In many cases it works. It obliterates the internal demons that plague us. We get the freedom to live authentically without having to hide. ( stealth is a whole different topic.)
If it was needed and you progress to that point your are comfortable it mitigates the GD to a tolerable level of intensity. All your other life issues will still need to be dealt with.
It is even possible that after all the hard work. Integration happens and internally you are still very distressed and unsatisfied. A very difficult position to be in.

I lost my marriage and the opportunity to live out our latest years together with the person I love. To see and observe the sadness that she has lost her husband and the person she thought she could live her life together. In other aspects. That was and still is difficult to handle. Otherwise My transition has been relatively smooth.( not necessarily easy). My business has been thriving and grown. My kids accept and have a good relationship. My parents and siblings are accepting. I haven't lost many friends, and have made tons more. My employees and clients are good. My health is excellent. I have a steady stream of income to at least give me a shot at what procedures I need. Even if it takes longer.

Those of us going through this understand it's serious stuff with serious consequences. It should be approached cautiously, and should only be undertaken if needed. And if transition is undertaken. Nothing can be left in the way of achieving one's level of comfort.

[Eringirl]

Slow and cautious is my mantra. My health, both physically and mentally is a major concern, so I want to make sure that I do this "right", if there is a "right way". Maybe "properly", for my body and my circumstances, is a better way to put it. I knew my marriage would go south. She made it very clear, that if I decide to transition, regardless of timeline or process etc, she was "outta here." My kids and my family are 100% rock solid, though a few are taking a bit more time than others, but they are on board in that they we are all talking etc, and no one has bailed. Work is a non issue. Everything there is totally fine.

My biggest concern is finding another partner. I am worried that I will not find a woman that will want to be with a trans woman. But I am not in a place to start another relationship right now, so that is sort of on the back burner...for now.

Am I delayed? Nope. Totally on schedule, it is just my schedule is a slow one because that is what works for my circumstances and I am fine with that. Things are progressing....everyday is another day closer to the end of the tunnel and exit into the fresh air that will be my new life.

hope this provides some perspective for you????

[whowhatwhen]

I delayed myself actually as a defense mechanism for my own physical and mental well being.
I knew that if I tried to go full time right off the bat I would get so much crap and stress because I really looked like a man back then.

Some people I know have done it and have managed fine but I made the decision to consider my health first and hold off until I was getting read female more than 75% of the time.
That came at around 1 year after starting HRT and having lots of facial hair removal.

I'm mostly worried about coming out to my remaining family members, especially my dad who I also live with.
He's really sexist so in effect I'm either going to be seen as less of a person 'cause I'm a woman or not seen at all as a woman because I'm "not like them."
Jobs are a bit iffy too because of lack of experience and being visibly trans, welp, I'll figure that out somehow.

But all in all after 15 months of HRT and on the edge of full time, despite all the crap it's still been totally worth it.

[LeaP]

Such terrific responses. I appreciate the thoughtfulness. Sometimes I get the impression that people confuse need with being precipitous. These show the depth of thought and personal care that's actually required - which often carries its own personal costs.

[Dianne S]

To answer your questions:

1) My risk considerations were mostly how my family would react. That has proven not to be a problem. I'm incredibly lucky to be very small, on the small side even for a genetic woman, so I pass reasonably well and I don't feel any threat to my physical safety. Work was a non-issue because I own my own business; it's the type of business where I don't have much personal interaction with our clients so my presentation is not really relevant.

2) Am I "delayed"? No. I don't try to second-guess my timing; I obviously started my transition when it was the right time for me.

3) What is dangerous for you? I suppose what worries me the most is the effect of estrogen on my health; I'm 48 which is on the old side to be taking it. My endo is keeping a close eye on my bloodwork and will probably lower my dose when I turn 50 to reduce the risk of blood clots.

As for going slowly and cautiously: I did go very cautiously at first because I was still somewhat in a state of denial and disbelief. However, once I accepted the fact that I'm transsexual and need to transition, it was full steam ahead and I've been rocketing through transition for about the last 8 months.

I also mentioned the possibility of detransition to which Lea alluded in her first post. I want to be clear that I don't mean to say that lightly; I'm sure that detransitioning is twice as painful as transitioning. I just wanted to make the point that no decision is truly irrevocable unless it involves your death. WIth all the thousands of people who complete transition (for some definition of "complete"), it would be highly improbable if there weren't at least a few who subsequently regret it enough to detransition. But I suspect the number who regret it to that extent is very small.

[Anne2345]

The danger for me was rooted in delaying my transition further and *not* moving forward quickly enough. Once I made the decision and had some momentum going forward, I could not slow it down, even if that *was* technically, on its face, the safer and wiser thing to do. The risk I have taken on - that I will be able to obtain, secure, and maintain gainful employment after the fact - is definitely a gamble. And to be certain, it's a gamble that I have wagered practically everything on, particularly given my divorce and my own necessary geographical relocation of residence. Even more, perhaps viewed in a certain light, the manner in which I have gone about this can be construed as reckless. I don't know, and I don't care. Because at this point, it really doesn't matter. What's done is done, and the only way forward is to keep placing one foot in front of the other, day by day, and to now plan for my future as I move on. Regardless, although I certainly have my regrets and have made waaaaay more than my fair share of mistakes, making and implementing the decisions I have that have led me to where I currently am are not among those regrets. I firmly believe I did what I had to do to survive. And in this, like you, the concept of detransitioning is simply inconceivable to me. I cannot even begin to fathom now any set of circumstances - no matter how bad things may become (just for the sake of argument, because I strongly believe in a very positive future for myself) - that would ever, ever lead to thoughts of undoing my transition. I have sacrificed much to do this. I have sacrificed a whole hell of a lot. Just as many have before me, and many will after me. Although the soundness of the strategy and planning of my transition may be debatable, that I had to do so, and that I had to do so WHEN I HAD TO DO SO, is not up for debate. As a result, I am here now to type this post. I am here now to do many, many things I would not be here to do had I not moved forward when I did. It's not to say that I could have done those things better and more wisely in the moment, because I most certainly *could* have. That I didn't is my own fault, it's all on me, but it's not fatal. So at least for now, it's all good . . . .

[PaulaQ]

I am in Anne's camp.

I threw caution to the wind. I was ready to die anyway, so really, what was the worst that could happen? My expiration date was nearing, I was at the end of my rope, the edge of the precipice, and other terminal sounding metaphors... I needed a ticket for the bullet train to girl-town. My biggest fear was that my dysphoria would simply overwhelm the slow and annoyingly gradual process of transition, and I'd end my life anyway.

I never worried about regret. I already knew that if I got it wrong, and I needed some other treatment or course of action, it wouldn't matter, because I'd be dead before I could embark on such a plan.

I was pretty lucky, in a lot of ways. It's hard to plan for that though. And yet I think a lot of times, luck is a pretty big factor - all the stuff that you just often can't really calculate up front easily.

At this point, not only would I not stop, but honestly, there's really nothing - and I mean that quite literally - that I wouldn't do to fight back against someone that tried to force me to stop my transition.

I don't really recommend this approach to transition - it can go horribly wrong. And it helps if you have some resources to begin with. (If you are dead-broke, and marginally employed, this is a great way to lose everything.) But still, for some of us, it's all we can do, really.

[Donnagirl]

My path is going to be a very slowly trod one... Age is a concern. At 50 I worry that the impact on work might be to great. I know this will be a career limiting situation, but I do not want to place myself in a position where I have to look for a new job whilst transitioning and so close to retirement age. I have to balance this with a fear of leaving everything too late.

Waiting until my kids have left home also seems a prudent call, again pointing to a delay of 8 or so years.

So why bother? I often think is it really going to be worth it, or should I just throw caution to the wind and go for it now. I'm actually go to the doctor today and will talk about it with her. I'll also have another talk to the psych.

Regardless of any decision, I'll have to pay the whole cost. No other way and while I am saving, it's going to be a slow process. I do get the feeling that momentum will slow and I'll end up only partionally transitioning but I don't know.

Some choose caution, others have caution thrust upon them!

[MsVal]

It looks like I am on the "Transition Lite" path.

FFS may not be necessary as I am frequently addressed as a woman even when the only feminine cues are my hair and the purse I carry.
SRS may not be in the future either. I am not fond of, or bothered by my genitals and my libido is shot.
LASER may not be necessary as my grey beard is easily concealed by simply shaving.
Being retired means no job worries, but it also limits my budget.
My GD is not so severe that it cannot be managed with medication and therapy.
HRT will likely do a better job of developing my breasts than what I've been doing, and may be covered by my insurance.
I have never felt comfortable enough among men to have friends, so none to lose.
My dear wife understands, accepts, and supports my transition, even though some parts bother her. She will be sitting by my side as I disclose to my children next week.
My parents and parents in law are all deceased, I haven't seen any of my cousins in 40 years, and my only sibling moved far out of state.

The only risks I can see are losing contact with some of my children and grandchildren, and potentially risking my good health.

Given the nature of the risks, I don't see any benefit to delaying transition. Following the disclosure I will begin working on RLE and plan to be full time in a year.

Best wishes
MsVal

[Jorja]

I had just separated from the Navy, I had been divorced for two years at that time and had a court order barring me from seeing my children until they turned 18. I was all of 22 at the time. I had scrimped and saved every penny I could. For 6 years I had planned the hell out of transition. A Navy Seal team doesn't plan as much and as well. I was ready, willing, and able. I jumped down the rabbit hole and off I went.

[Nigella]

The many pitfalls that are on this well trodden path make the title of this thread sage advice. Once the decision to transition, whether partial or full, is reached it is only the beginning. Although I had an easy transition compared to some of the ladies here, caution was still a by word.

IMHO if you are able to deal with the struggles of transition on a step by step basis, completing each step before moving on, do so, consideration of the worst case scenario in each step helps deal with the choices you will need to make. Anything better than worst case is then a bonus.

Just remember this sage advice before going public with your decision, it may make your journey a little smoother.

[Debb]

1) What are your particular risk considerations? I.e., are you worried most about job, money, family, violence,…?
In this order: Family, job.
I am fortunate enough to live in Minneapolis/St Paul, MN, a fairly accepting, non-hostile space for transsexuals .. so violence is very low on the list, barely making it. I am fortunate enough to be well-employed (for the time being), and we have very little debt. I work for a fairly progressive corporation, and am lucky enough to have health insurance that covers all aspects of transitioning to a really good degree.
My family members are having trouble with this. My wife, of course, has been living with what she thought was a cross-dresser for the past twelve years (since my first reveal); when I came out to her four months ago, and told her that I'd like to pursue transition, it was tough. Right now, she is still up and down ... but loves me enough to keep on keepin' on.
My sons are not happy about this, but they do say that they understand and sympathize with my damnable choices.
My brothers, and sisters-in-law, are coming around slowly, with the exception of one brother & his wife. I am an absolute sinner, damned to hell, according to him.


2) Are you delayed?
I am actively choosing to move slowly (so it seems to me). I have just begun HRT, at a low, slow rate, and I am taking my time partially so that my family can follow along more easily.


3) What is dangerous for you?
This whole thing is dangerous. I stand a good chance of losing at least one brother over this; the friends I've got all know, and have chosen to stand by me, so there is little danger there. I stand a slight chance of this transition taking over my mental life enough to jeopardize my work, so I need to be cognizant of that fact, and behave accordingly.

[Eryn]

1) What are your particular risk considerations?
My marriage is always a concern, though Mimi is a wonderful supporter.
My employment is also a concern, since we still have two daughters between college and self-sufficiency. My employment is also the source of my health coverage which of course is essential to the process.
I'm not overly concerned with personal friends as the few that my male self has would probably be accepting.

2) Are you delayed?
Oh, only about 45 years. :) Seriously, I am going slower than I would if employment was not a consideration.

3) What is dangerous for you?
I go out quite a lot and a lot of my social life is now as Eryn. This is how I like it, but sometimes it is difficult not to "leak" a bit. I'm also out a bit more in my own community, which was once a strict no-fly zone. I go to my therapist and medical appointments as Eryn as I feel that it would be inappropriate to be seeing people for MTF TG issues as a male. The laws of probability say that I will eventually run into someone who knows my male self. What they might do with the information is worrysome.

[LeaP]

The risk I'm talking about is the risk to life and health from NOT transitioning once started (my reference point here being that of decision), not the risks OF transitioning.

For several, delay is a serious risk point. It has been for me, quite bad at times. I know that in Anne's case (at least) that her issues were compounding over this period. Mine, however, have not. While it seemed intolerable to the breaking point at times, I HAVE made some progress, including working toward trans health coverage at work (starts in Sept., incl. SRS coverage!), coming out, and becoming more comfortable with, and open about my appearance (pretty androgynous). Interesting, as I've often been told over the last year or so that I AM making progress. It sure hasn't felt that way. On the other hand, now that my situation has freed up, things also appear to be moving rapidly. I have an appt. with my doctor next week to discuss surgeries. And I have a general transition timeline set with my wife and we're discussing how and when to talk with children. It feels like the wind is blowing again, where I wanted to to cut my wrists a few months ago. Came close, too.

So I GUESS that it was critical that SOME movement was happening SOMEWHERE. ... and that things weren't collapsing in other ways. Perverse luck and circumstances perhaps. Support has been very important.

[karenpayneoregon]

Looking back prior to transitioning, there was never consideration in regards to job, money or violence. My workplace is trans-friendly and learned afterwards that there were many who asked me about transitioning but after two weeks that stopped and now seen and treated as a female. Money, no issues, paid for surgery in cash with money to spare that if needed would hold me for at least a year. Family was a consideration even though they live on the opposite coast but after telling them it was a non-issue, my mother said, great to have a second daughter.

In regards to delay, I delayed because outside of work I had a huge and I mean huge investment teaching in a niche area (not permitted as a topic here) and was right in regards to delaying as in my trial year those connections went away which deeply sadden me yet I realized that this could happen but the need outweighed the reason for delaying in regards to teaching.

Lastly, "what is dangerous for you", the last paragraph says it all.

In retrospect if I could go back in time knowing what I know now, would did it all over again even this the mental pain and if my memory was erased of the reasons for waiting and asked if I would do it earlier, you bet I would.

[Jorja]

In May of 1980 there was no medical coverage for anything Trans related. The techniques and procedures for FFS, BA, and SRS were quite different than they are today. Same surgery but different rules. There were only two doctors in the world that would even consider doing these procedures if you signed a waiver releasing them of all responsibility. The doctor I had was a stickler for cleanliness and he would personally sterilize all of his own instruments. Yes, it was dangerous but there is a time when personal need outweighs danger.

My delay was having SRS. I had seen the results of the procedure at the time and was not impressed. I delayed 10 years waiting for techniques to catch up to science. Still, what I had done pales in comparison to what is being done today. I went back 3 times to have additional work done to make it look as natural as they could.

I lost everyone and everything. Myself and 4 other transsexual friends joined together to support each other during our surgeries and recovery times. We still get together once or twice a year to enjoy each others company and success. Eventually, I gained the love and support of my entire family and all of my friends but it was on my terms not theirs.

[Dianne S]

The risk I'm talking about is the risk to life and health from NOT transitioning once started (my reference point here being that of decision), not the risks OF transitioning.

Oh! I misunderstood.

I don't know what I'd do if I had to stop transitioning. I don't think I'd ever contemplate suicide because I just don't have that aspect to my personality, but I'd definitely be very miserable and unhappy and probably would get physically sick.

After I had my blood test to see if it would be OK to go on HRT, but before I had the results back, my mother asked me "so what will you do if you can't go on estradiol?" and I honestly had no idea. It made me sick and upset even to contemplate that. Luckily, my blood work was fine.

[Eryn]

The risk I'm talking about is the risk to life and health from NOT transitioning once started (my reference point here being that of decision), not the risks OF transitioning.

I misunderstood as well. Here's my answer to the question you meant.

I'm not a "transition or die" person. If I had to I could continue with the status quo or even regress. There are many more issues in my life than being TG and they all need attention.

My life has been made considerably happier by proceeding forward cautiously. When I think back to my mental state before I came to terms with myself I realize that I don't want to go back to that.

[PretzelGirl]

I don't think I can possibly know how I would have felt if I had to stop. I can't even imagine transitioning without HRT, so anything more is really speculation. Emotions well up that we can't expect just sitting here.

I was fortunate in that mine wasn't a transition that was performed because I was at a breaking point. I was in self discovery and and progressing and one bad blood test had me decide it was time. So I would like to think I could have handled not transitioning. But being told I couldn't may have become my breaking point.

[PaulaQ]

The risk I'm talking about is the risk to life and health from NOT transitioning once started (my reference point here being that of decision), not the risks OF transitioning.

I do my best to never stop - always move forward. I am not cautious about this. I encourage people I know who are transitioning to always continue to move forward as best they can at all times. Stopping seems to make things worse, in my experience. I think this stuff is hard, and the longer it takes a person to get through it, the more chance it has to get screwed up. Just get through it.

[whowhatwhen]

The risk I'm talking about is the risk to life and health from NOT transitioning once started (my reference point here being that of decision), not the risks OF transitioning.


Oh, in that case I'd prolly just continue repressing stuff with it occasionally resurfacing and causing emotional stress.
Of course that stress has a direct link to my physical health so who knows what would happen.

I was never at risk of suicide and I had nothing major to lose at least at the point in time when I started transition.
I just did what I knew I needed to do to have a happy, authentic life.

[MsVal]

My GD is managable with medicine for the anxiety and therapy to keep me centered. Having experienced the beginning of transition, stopping would be quite difficult. If I could not transition I would require stronger medication and therapy may no longer be effective. I could become a different person.

Best wishes
MsVal

[Angela Campbell]

I spent 50 years wanting to transition, held back by so many fears. When the time came, I knew that it was taking place and I simply could not stop it. I was on a runaway train.

Once I finally accepted this is going to happen, I went as fast as I could. I know of no one who went faster. It was planned, carefully and thoughtfully done and began about 2.5 years ago. I consider myself done at this point.

Fear. Once passed, I ran as hard as I could. The risk of not being able to was non existent. I was transitioning, I could not stop it. It was happening.

[Marcelle]

Hi Lea,

As I am a bit of a neophyte to this part of the forum due to the fact I really don't fit in either camp (CD or TS) I thought I would still respond to your questions from my POV. I am gender fluid as many know and while I maintain I identify male some days, those days are getting harder to hold on to but they still exist. Will this mean I will transition at some point? Good question and hence the reason why I am taking the slow road to self discovery by being as open and honest in my life as both a man and woman. Specifically, I do not hide who I am and spend at least 2 days out of five as a woman at work.

1) What are your particular risk considerations? I.e., are you worried most about job, money, family, violence,…?

On this question, since you clarified it was about "risk of not transitioning" not risks of transitioning I will respond along that lines. I currently feel no hard pull to transition but I do feel a sense of well being when presenting as a woman in my day to day life (social, work, etc.). When I have to decompile (my term for returning to male for whatever reason even though I still feel like a woman), I feel sad as though my male façade is the true cross dressing. However this is not so when I am identifying as a man. So while transitioning is not in the cards right now, I still feel that pull and wonder "what if?" Heck, my work knows, my family knows and it is just one more leap to living 24/7 . . . however, I just don't feel ready.

2) Are you delayed?

Well, I suppose you could say I am. I knew when I was young that I was . . . different and saw things different. I dressed for the first time when I was 17 shortly after I joined the military. I felt ashamed, less than male afterwards and put it way, crushed it down and repressed for 30 plus years until it exploded in my face. At 50 plus years old I am wondering where the heck is all this leading? If times had been different, if I had been a child of this generation who know where I would be or which gender I would be for that matter. So delayed . . . you bet.

3) What is dangerous for you?

I am going to respond to this along the lines of "risk of transitioning" (sorry if I misinterpreted). Work not an issue, I could move to 24/7 tomorrow and still be supported at work as the Canadian military has policy to the effect. Financial . . . not an issue as I am 2 years shy of my full pension. Family and friends finding out and abandoning me . . . completely out to all with no real issues. One of the big stumbling blocks is "my wife" I love her death and while we have discussed the big "if" and she is supportive of me being out to the world . . . she is not prepared to be in a same sex relationship (huge game changer). I am not sure if I am prepared to give that up. As well, there are still parts of my male identity I love and while this could just be me holding on to a shadow existence, I am still not ready to bury this part of me and risk of doing so would be felt deeply in my core.

Cheers

Isha

[arbon]

I was not cautious and did not plan well (if at all). Just driven by desperation and somehow got through.

[Rianna Humble]

So my questions are these: assuming you are past the point of knowing need,

1) What are your particular risk considerations? I.e., are you worried most about job, money, family, violence,…?

Not sure if I should reply to this so far into my transition, but for me the biggest risk of NOT transitioning was that the alternative was suicide. I had even decided the method and timing to minimise collateral damage.


2) Are you delayed?

I was delayed by a very public event in 2010 and those were the hardest months of my life because my need had reached physical manifestations.


3) What is dangerous for you?

For not transitioning, the danger was that I would either become permanently incapacitated or permanently dead.

[charlenesomeone]

1. Since I have separated from my wife and headed for the D, that was the big risk, and it's gone.
Employment will be ok. Even have insurance that covers HRT and SRS.
2. Delay is normal, waiting on letters and prescription.
3. Most "dangers " so far have been in my head. Not a rainbow and unicorn girl but things , other than my marriage have gone good. Saying goodbye to a life that wasn't so bad, even though the upcoming one seems so right, is difficult sometimes.

[Tina_gm]

I am going to gloat for just a minute here.... I had started a thread that spawned another thread. I think that is a 1st for me on this forum, and on the TS section no less. I feel good about this, honestly.

At least for this forum, which although called CDers.com, the majority it seems are people such as me, caught in some sort of gender purgatory. More than CDers, with a real gender identity issue, but not quite enough to transition. I have questioned myself not all that long ago, which is sort of a reason why I started the thread I did, because I was sort of what ifing with my own situation. (didn't come to a conclusion) but realizing that even if I wouldn't have transitioned, life would be different and I would have spared myself a lot of difficulty in being more genuine with my own gender issues. That of course only magnifies for you guys and girls in this section.

Obviously great advice in being cautious.... clearing away the fog to get to real gender needs. It still pains me to read so many sad stories of years if not decades of such struggle before eventually transitioning. Paula Q has written her story probably the most detailed, but I would bet many here would or can or do relate to a lot of it. Heck I can relate to some of it.

Interestingly enough, and Paula I hope you do not mind me mentioning you for reference sake- but by the time she "knew" she had to, there was no more caution left, really. All the life she had built had more or less come crashing down on her anyway. It was simply time to cash in, or cease any meaningful life, if not as she has stated, face death. So many get to the point where life becomes unbearable, and I am thinking that once in that situation, hard to even think all that clearly anymore. So wrought with struggle.

While as a younger person, say 18, 19 or so, without having really lived much life of either gender, now that thought, transition with caution truly makes for great advice. How did so many come to know they "had" to? because no matter what the cost, and likely a very grave one, they are or were willing to pay it. Lose basically everything in life up to that point, because life wasn't livable anyway. What is there really to be cautious about at that point? But as a confused teen or tween, who feels they relate far better to the opposite gender than their own, caution makes so much sense. Now you have an entire life ahead of you, and you have a chance to get it right, or wrong. Most who transitioned later in life did in fact get it wrong.... sort of. Years, decades of struggle, addiction, failed marriages, jobs, or will possibly fail once transition begins anyway. Most on here who transitioned later on do say they gave up substantially in their life. So much can I think now begin to be avoided, albeit with caution.

[LeaP]

GM (sorry for the unfortunate abbreviation) ...

We all agree on some notion of caution. After all, who would defend being precipitous or arbitrary? Your last response, however, both misses the point of my OP as well as perpetuates some ideas with which I disgree.

This thread concerns dangerous risks to transsexuals (cross-sex identified, i.e., binary) who have already determined transition need. Caution in this context is different than the caution needed to avoid blowing up your life if you are not cross-sex identified. Concepts like fogs, flings, not quite enough, gender purgatory, etc. in the sense your are using them don't apply. Nor do (IMO) suggestions of spectrum suggested in your phrasing. Caution for cross-sex identified people is different even taking the context of determining transition need and timing.

Paula properly answered the concerns of the OP. It reduces to (my paraphrasing) delay for her being dangerous to the point of risking life. In context, she is not being incautious in assuming what might be important and relevant risks to someone else, she has taken a decisioned approach to REDUCE risk. I'm certain, even without asking, that other risks - perhaps to job, finances, relationships, etc. - are quite important to her. But they pale in comparison to suicide risk to the point where they perhaps no longer meet the context of the OP in being things that have to be subordinated. (Forgive any misrepresentations, Paula, I'm interpreting to make the point.)

Perhaps we need to define "cautious." It is to be mindful, prudent, and careful. When someone knowledgeably prioritizes and assumes risk, they ARE being cautious. In no way does it mean eliminating risk - or even actual damage and loss.

Returning to my own priorities, dangers, and cautions, they are (or have been) an interrelated mix of finance/retirement concerns, risk of immediate bankruptcy, fears stemming from my social anxiety issues being off the charts, and marriage survival. ... all weighed against growing psychological pressure from delay that's felt like sitting on a bomb. Growing depression, despair, return of suicidality after being long gone, GD and internal dialog resurgence, even panic attacks.

Your last paragraph speculates on what-if, life-long scenarios. I understand the temptation to engage in that kind of thinking. It seemed important to me to do so at one time. But I would caution (!) against it, TS or not. Any conclusions I might posit about other paths I might have taken would be unknowable and, therefore, irrelevant. That specifically includes many things you mention. I had a 20-year marriage fail. There is no way to know if I might have had a 20-year marriage (or relationship) fail had I transitioned in my 20's, either. The same applies to other issues in my life, including those related to GD. There are plenty of cis people in the world with the same issues. And finally, remember the caution of cautions from virtually all who have transitioned: transition solves one problem only, it will not fix your life for you.