Back to square one

[kaleyg]

Well, I haven't posted in a while. After much discussion with my partner, it became clear that moving forward with crossdressing or exploring my tg side was not feasible. So, either I quit or go back in the closet (even from her). Decided to go back in the closet. So, dressed up while visiting mom again. We went out to dinner and it was fun, but not NEARLY as awesome as it would be if my partner was just a little accepting. So, my future is uncertain. I will preserve my marriage at all costs, I know that. It is more important to me than cross dressing or expressing my female aspect. In the past, I've gone for long periods of time without cding and been very happy. Maybe I can still do that. Not sure. I might take a break from cding/facebook/cd.com, etc. for a while just to clear my head.

This time, I'm not really looking for advice, so I'd rather you didn't offer. I'm just venting. Words of understanding and sympathy and prayers are welcome. I'll probably post my recent pics soon. : ) Thanks to everyone here for all the support and providing a safe place to process.

[Katey888]

Sorry to hear that Kaley... :hugs:

Of course you have our understanding, thoughts and prayers - you can always come back and have a vent if you need to... :)

Give yourself some time...

Katey x

[Pat]

Sorry for your setback. I can't argue with your motives, I can just hope that the future holds something good for you. Good luck.

[Julie Denier]

I know how it is to have to be closeted -- hope all goes well for you.

[Amanda M]

Kayley - you have a BIG heart. If you can forgoe certain urges for the sake of your SO, then wonderful. Best to you, and her. And prayers - be sure.

[Persephone]

Thoughts and prayers are with you on your journey.

Hugs,
Persephone.

[Teresa]

Kaleyg,
I try to understand why the goalposts move , obviously something changed your partners acceptance level !
I've posted before about ultimatums , I wonder what our partners would make if we suddenly came up a list of do's and don'ts !
For the time being you consider your partners wishes are worth adhering to keep your marriage intact, I have to admire you for that !
I attempted to do this for many years and now I feel I'm paying a high price ! When the realisation comes that Cding is for life I found things had to change, it's not going away and hiding behind closed doors just becomes ridiculous !

[Nolacdflorida]

Dear Kaley, Your situation reflects mine almost as a mirror. I too will do anything to preserve my marriage and if that means stopping my dressing, then so be it. I don't dress because I want to be a woman or for sexual satisfaction. I do it because it fulfills me, completes me, makes me happy.

You are in my prayers and thoughts sweet lady.

[AbigailJordan]

I can only imagine what you married girls have to go through. I've been lucky in that most of my serious relationships have known before things started and they were always free to walk away at the start. I don't envy being in your position and having the two conflicting sides battling.

I wish you the very best with whatever you decide and I hope the future holds happiness for you regardless xx

[TerriM]

Your situation mirrors mine. My wife has known over 30 yes. She wants no part of terri. Years ago I stopped dressing for about 3 yrs. I knew I would dress again. My family is very important to me.The key word for me is balance. Good luck you are not alone.
Terri

[CONSUELO]

Kaley,

Best wishes as suppressing your desires will be hard.
From you comment about going out with your mother it seems that you have acceptance there at least.

[Alleybee]

Good luck Kaley, I really hope that this works out for you.

[Tora]

Best wishes for you and your bride.

[Laura912]

This will be the first time I have ever offered this here...:hugs:

[kaleyg]

We all have lists of dos and don'ts, e.g., don't have sex with anyone but me, don't spend our savings on gambling or drugs. It's good to have dos and don'ts. Coming up with a list we can agree on is the hard part sometimes.

[kimdl93]

Good luck. It's a difficult task to suppress one's self. We all have, often for years and most for similar reasons. Beware of having the inevitable frustrations take a toll on your own meant all health or on the relationships with those around you.

[Bridget Ann Gilbert]

You know I'll always support you no matter what decisions you make. Sorry to hear you ran into a brick wall, but a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. PM or email me if you ever want to vent more.

Hugs,
Bridget

[Marcelle]

Hi Kaley,

Only you know what is important to you and how to best achieve it. Good luck and remember we are always here if you need to vent.

Isha

[TrishaTX]

sorry to hear, I just started on here a few months ago, and I look forward to each of your posts. I hope this works out for you in the long run...and yes I understand about the marriage part. Be strong.

[Robin414]

Hi Kaley, maybe being in the closet isn't so bad, I 'get' your circumstances but you still have 'us' right, and you look absolutely amazing by the way, you're too hot to be in a closet, you'll set the house on fire! 😀

[Suzanne F]

Kaley,
You just look too lovely to have to hide that beauty. I understand how difficult this can be when married. Good luck and I pray something changes in your spouses heart to allow you to be you!
Suzanne

[Carolina]

Good luck with your decision. Looks quite reasonable to me. I'm not ready to risk marriage and family either and am in the closet most times. Only dress up when I'm alone in the house (not very often at all). Dressing up while visiting your mom sounds great, a nice way out. Best of luck!

[St. Eve]

Abrupt changes are hard whether they are changes I want, or changes I don't. Prayers and understanding sent your way.

I have a similar situation at the moment. I am two days into the following agreement: zero women's clothes in the presence of my wife of 24 years - otherwise, be me in what ever state of dress I choose. I am still in the process of coming out, so, this new agreement is actually an INCREASE in my freedom and expression. I really feel compassion for the process of decreasing freedom. At the same time, as others have shared, we all have agreements that support our continuing married life. After a completely failed disclosure 20 years ago, my CD went secret underground, super closet until very recently.

The ability to negotiate seemingly unresolvable conflicts is, for me, the basis for staying intimate and loving and peaceful. I certainly claim no expertise, and, with support and tools and time and compassion for each other we are walking through it for the moment....

Peace
St. Eve

[Sarah Doepner]

I'm sorry to hear that the circumstances have changed like this for you and wish you the best as you negotiate this restrictive world. During this time it will be important to be self aware and watch out for the tendency to get anxious, cranky or act out that we've seen reported here in any number of posts. Find ways to diffuse your frustration, channel that energy into something else or find opportunities to celebrate your feminine aspirations that don't arouse her anger. It become very easy to let things build to a breaking point if we don't watch ourselves, so please take care. I hope that one day soon she will be willing to discuss, understand and accept your need to express outside the gender binary.