My dilemma for today...

[nikki2014]

This is my rant for the day. A few months ago I came out to my wife that I CD. It was merely something I wanted her to be aware of. At the time I wasn’t asking for her to participate or to help me although I did tell her that if she wanted to she was more than welcomed to. At the time I had bought more clothes, shoes, jeans, panties, and bras. My collection was getting a bit bigger and I was afraid that one day she might come across it and wonder. I never wanted to be accused of cheating on her or that I was involved with another woman. I wanted to tell her so that if she found my things she’d know they were mine. Now I never hid them in a place where it would take Sherlock Holmes to find, I had them in a backpack at the bottom of our closet. Now I’ve had a few items for quite some time but my collection was getting a bit bigger. When I told her it was strictly an informative conversation. She took it ok, and basically said ok. The conversation would come up here and then but no details, no questions, just a comment here and there. There’s been several times where she said she was going shopping and would ask if I wanted anything. My normal response was no I’m good. And there had been a few times that I’d ask her if she’d get “us” a shirt meaning a ladies shirt we could share. She knew what I meant and come home with a shirt, say look what I got, and wink at me. One time I asked her if she could get me a pair of short, jean shorts. I told her I was a size 8 or 10. She came home with a pair of really cute size 9 shorts. When she gave them to me she asked me to try them on. I got all embarrassed and said really. I did and she said they were cute.

One day she caught me wearing a pair of panties. She knows I have them. I must have a dozen pair, some thongs, some briefs, some from VS and some from Aerie. Again I got embarrassed but I showed her. She said I can tell when you wear them because your shorts stick up your butt, what guy wears his shorts like that. I wear UA athletic shorts all the time. Some times they stick up my butt even when I wear men’s briefs, but ok whatever. Then for several days after that she kept asking me what kind of underwear I was wearing. My response was “really, are you going to check my underwear daily now?” She never really got mad and for the most part I think she was just asking and was curious. I showed her and her response was oh, ok. And that was it, no questions, no getting on to me, no advice, nothing. So I just kept going on my way.

We do have a lot of things in our lives going on. Not to get into to many things but we have our own individual issues, kid issues, family issues, and every other issue you can think of, we’re a normal American family and we’re gonna have issues, who doesn’t right. Lately every time we get into an argument it seems like she always throws my CD in the argument, her words are “you know the clothing issue.” How do I respond to that? What am I supposed to say? I didn’t really know it was an issue because you’ve never really said you have an issue. You help buy me clothes, you’ve asked to see me try them on, you’ve asked what kind of underwear I’m wearing. Why do you bring it up? No one else (besides this forum) knows what I do, no one. And what difference does it make. I wear clothes from time to time, I paint my nails, I dress up (or down) and no one sees me. I’m a big chicken and couldn’t leave the house if I tried, hell I get really embarassed when you ask. I’m not hurting anyone, I don’t talk about it, I’m not throwing it on you, I stay to myself. What difference does it make? We’ve been married for almost 12 years and I’ve done it ever since I was a young boy, but that doesn’t make me any different than when I told you. She has said that I’ve lost all respect for you (not wholly but in partial) because of you’re clothing issue. Would you have wished I was a Lumberjack? No, because you said you hate hair, you hate it when my face has facial hair. I am me. I stay fit. I’m in shape. I’m no GQ model but I’m not a couch potato either. My hands get greasy, and I clean them. Why must you constantly throw this in my face as if I prance around all the time.

Sorry for the rant but I had to get it off my chest.

[AllieSF]

Good, logical rant. I wish you the best in resolving the "clothing issue". Maybe a more in depth discussion is in order to clear the air and to get some clarity as to what really is her issue.

[Nolacdflorida]

"Clothing Issue". I like that and may use it in the future.

[charlenemichaels]

...Lately every time we get into an argument it seems like she always throws my CD in the argument, her words are “you know the clothing issue.” How do I respond to that?...

Sorry for the rant but I had to get it off my chest.

Hi Nikki!
Its nice you have let her know what you do. That's big! Congrats on that GF!
My quoted text above hones in on the problem- she is not fully on board with it. She is letting you know indirectly and its bothering her alot.

Don't over react to her using this as 'bait' to push your buttons. You and her have much more relational ground to
talk through and clearly she is not done.

That is my observation as a CD, married for over 30 years. My situation is DADT and she tolerates what i do thinly.

You need to step back and let her be for awhile. Let her approach it again or you may ONLY, if you are calm and gentle.

Remember its new for her. It's not the Nikki as her beau in DRAB she married.

Does this make sense?

Respectfully,
Charlene
PS: My shoe collection is twice that of my SO. :)

[Gladys]

Sometines when husband and wife argue, they bring up all sorts of irrelivant issues. They also bring up issues, that they know will hurt the other party, that they would not care about except in argument mode. On one level, it appears your wife is OK with the crossdressing and even has some interest in it. Buying you clothes is a sign of this. Doesn't sound like you had to twist her arm to get her to buy you some woman's items. Now that she knows about your crossdressing, the relationship has changed. I think the only thing you can do is wait until both of you are in a good mood, (not arguing), and ask to have an open conversation. After twelve years I would hope she sees enough good things in you to either accept or overlook this aspect of your personality. My wife knows I am "kinky" and there are some aspects of my personality, I feel are only my business. After 45 years, I think telling her everything I feel would only cause unnecessary stress. Everyone is different and one needs to do what seems right for them.

[Amy Fakley]

Heh ... well she did get a "lumberjack" in the Monty Python sense! :-)

But yeah I know what you mean. My wife sometimes throws that out when we get in arguments as well. It hurts like a bitch. It took me my whole damn life to Houdini out of the stranglehold of shame I was practically born into, and it doesn't take all that much to bring it all raging back.

Still though, I don't think she means it in that way. As a cis person, she literally has no concept of what this feels like. She's trying to understand, I'll give her that, but she just can't. Not really. As a result, she doesn't know how badly it hurts me when she tosses those zingers out.

And I mean ... let's face it. When you're in an argument, and it's escalating, and you're entrenched in your position, and you're emotional, and lashing out, you're gonna throw whatever bombs you have access too. She just doesn't know how powerful that one is.

It was like that more often early on. Thankfully much less as time as gone on, and she's come to understand more about this. The important thing is that we always make up, pick up the pieces and try to learn more about eachother through the experience. So far, we always have :-)

I look at it as a process of continual improvement. It takes time to learn how to deal with something new (even in the unfortunate context of an argument)

[kimdl93]

If she tosses a reference to your CDing simply to score points in an otherwise unrelated dispute, simply remind her of the topic at and, and ask that she not divert the conversation with comments that are not germane to that topic. And invite her to address CDing as the topic at some other time.

[Katie01]

Not meaning to sound sexist but she's a woman... She will have ups and downs. If she's like my GF she will also need time to mull things over. One thing you might try, when things are calm and positive you might let her know that bringing up your dressing is hurtful to you. Just a thought.

[Kathleen Ann Trees]

If you haven't read My Husband Betty, I suggest you do. What I got from the book was cross dressing is not a one sided issue. I have my perspective, desires, actions, reaction, etc. But so does my wife. I had to find out from her what she thinks, wants, doesn't want. Unfortunately it turned out we settled in a DADT relationship and have not grown as a couple. We're stagnant. I didn't tell her up front and I don't know if she will choose to ever forgive that. My point is you need to understand little things to you today may not be little to her tomorrow.

[Jenniferathome]

You have a great opening now to ask her, specifically, what are the issues related to your cross dressing. Let her vent all of them and then address each one calmly and ask for her help in getting past that particular issue.

[kinkyboots]

There might be some deep down worries she's not addressing, that come out as ammo when emotions get heated.
my own wife has many fears that were/are bottled up that we are working through like: will he leave me for someone more understanding of CDing, or will he want to transition, or is he attracted to men now?
I'm sure there is many more, and some of them hurt worse, but we've had many open communications where we can express openly with out mocking our feelings on these issues.
I try extra hard to assure that none of these marriage breakers will happen. Most of the time it's good, but a bad dream or two will throw that dout back in.

[DanaR]

There might be some deep down worries she's not addressing,................................
I agree. She is probably grabbing that instead of talking about what is really frustration her. Both of you might try writing down what the real issues are and then discuss them without letting the discussion get heated.

[Nadine Spirit]

I really have no idea what your wife is thinking, but when I read what you wrote, it appears as though you are the one that has an issue with your cross dressing. Yes you do it, and yes you told her about it, but you don't really want her to see it or be involved with it. That kind of indicates that you are embarrassed about it. Maybe that is what she is reading into the situation. Maybe that is what is upsetting to her and makes her think there is an "issue" with it.

[Suzanne F]

I think she is trying to use any ammunition she has at the time. Maybe she feels like this gives her an edge because you have shown a feminine side. In my opinion you can work only on yourself. If you fully accept this part of you the references to the clothing issue will not have the power it does now. Remind yourself it isn't an issue it is you! Own it! This aspect doesn't make you less than, it makes you special! We cannot control our spouse's opinions or tactics. We can only control our response and thinking. Good luck and way to go in being honest !
Suzanne

[nikki2014]

I got to thinking about some of the replies. When she mentions the "clothing issue" I don't think I have a clothing issue. I think I have an enjoyment. It's something I like to do and it makes me happy. If it is a clothing issue it's in a good way, as I see it. Maybe my reply next time should be, "yeah, and, what about it?" (with a smile on my face of course). I do believe she throws it into an argument at times but when there's no argument it's not really an issue. I'll ask her someday very soon exactly what she means. I'll keep you posted.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Nikki, I think that Nadine is right about your embarrassment, She is playing to your weakness.:hugs:

[Teresa]

Nikki,
I guess I'm going to see this from a slightly biased point of view but I would say you been honest with your wife . You aren't really pushing the issue at her and she appeared to be coming to terms with it at her pace . You were honest with her about your clothes and where they are so she doesn't have a shock if she finds them by accident . My wife throws the comment at me now that she only wants the man she's married , most of the time she has that I could counter by saying I'd like the woman I married but those conversation always become one sided .
Throwing the CDing into arguments is eventually going to give you a complex, I had so many assumptions in my head thinking every time my wife was down or angry my CDing was the cause of it . She flew at me on one occasion saying it's not all about you, I find that frustrating because all it takes is a calm level conversation to iron out things out instead I usually get unexpected explosions when hurtful things are said that cut deep and take longer to heel over, if at all.
Somehow your wife has got to understand that you may have been born with certain traits and the CDing is a way your brain needs to come to terms with it !
The classic situation I had was when my sister in law came out with the notion that I needed to get out of the house more because it encouraged me to dress, I pointed out that the problem wasn't in the house but in my brain , it goes with me 24/7 !

[Candice June Lee]

It appears we have a similar issues. OPen an honest communication should have been there since the beginning. We all in our life style tend to hide this from our SO, and in turn from ourselves in some way. It seems she may be attempting to deal with this in her own way and its coming out wrong, or maybe she is trying to get you to stop. Take it slow. leave the "closet" door partially closed but not shut. Use letters to open communication to open discussions. Even though its not new to you, it is to her. She has to get accustomed to this and you have to help by not pushing. But be honest to her and open, as well as with your self.
I feel that many of us tend to hide from our SO/future SO what we are. THis causes strife later in years as we have to let out the other side of ourselves. This isn't really being true to our SO or ourselves.

[MissTee]

A of couple of decades ago, after hitting a rocky patch in our relationship, my wife and I sought marriage counseling. It was a great investment in our future and the counselor was wonderful. She said forget about not arguing or fighting and focus on doing it respectfully as it is unrealistic to think you won't argue from time to time. In the sessions we learned to set boundaries and discussed all the do's and don'ts of constructive arguing.

In addition, we each made a list of soft spots (or pain points) that should never be used in our arguments as they can lead to a destructive outcome. Then our counselor jokingly added that if we get to the point where lawyers get involved we can use our lists to tear each others hearts out. Almost 40 years together and we still have our list, and we still follow the guidance. Perhaps something similar would work for you and your wife.

Good luck!