Does anyone here get confused?

[Junius]

To elaborate a little on the title, I'd like to know if crossdressing in any way muddled anyone's gender identity. It could be now or last week or last decade. Did you our do you feel like your cross dressing stems from a nonbinary/fluid/trans/androgynous identity? Or are you completely cool with being a cis male with a penchant for panties?

[Kate Simmons]

I used to have conflicting feelings but now that I've accepted them, I've amalgamated them under one authority, all of it being myself. :)

[Teresa]

Junius,
As confused as ever, so I start my gender therapy next week, wish me luck, I think I'm going to need it !

[Ezekiel]

Confussion is normal because of how society is modeled. It makes you think that because you like women's clothing or how they look, you are less of a male, and its simply not true.

I used to go through horrible, terrible confussion, even questioned my sexuality or if I was transsexual.

But in the end, I'm an heterosexual male with a tendency towards what society associates with the feminine, and with a strong obssesion with looking like a woman, without being one.

I am not TS, and I know this well because I can't relate to what they feel. They, are women / men already before any transition. If I transitioned, I would still be a man, can't change that its my identity.

I wouldn't (we all would not) have to go through all this trouble if society had a better comprehension and of course, acceptance. Its all their fault, not ours, we are what we are just like them.

[Yoshisaur]

Yes crossdressing has contributed to the confusion of my gender identity.

[Ninna]

Confusion is a very constante part of the journey. but this journey really makes you happy

[fiona frisson]

i think per kates reply CDs may become more self-assured in time or rationalise themselves into that one authority .. its so obvious that there isnt a one size fits all ... fluid/trans/androgynous reflects that spectrum ... and thats not even addressing the phenomenon of the later/mature cd - has it been latent,dormant or just evolved .... so its easy to get confused!

[ErikaS]

I think the CD has helped me into understanding the I am a women and in itself my identity. I have accepted this and I am moving ever forward.

Erika

[Junius]

Personally I'd like to see these boxes of gender abolished. We might be happier if we could agree that gender is an out dated construct of our own making. At the same time many people need gender in their lives to stabilize themselves in this crazy journey called life. If we could all think like Kate then we could move forward as ourselves but without that fight, would being ourselves be worth it?

I'm willing to set aside my own muddled identity for the time being and take on a more androgynous/fluid presentation. If this is who I am (even if it's not), then I will find out along the way.

[Mayo]

I've been edging slowly into the TG realm over the last few years, though it all stems from a vague but long-time feeling that I've never been 'entirely' or 'completely' male. I started cross-dressing in the last 6 months and that's definitely kicked things up a notch. I haven't yet ruled out the thought of being TS but I have the feeling (frankly, I'm hoping!) that it won't go that far. At the moment I'm pretty much okay with the self-identification as a somewhat genderqueer or gender-variant man.

But yeah, I'm still a bit confused about it all, to be honest :)

[Alice_2014_B]

Sometimes I will take a hiatus from fully dressing up, where I will just not feel like dressing up at all.
Other than that, I personally feel no gender identity issues.
:)

[Chrissy1966]

Probably a little off topic but it certainly has/had confused my sexual identity, not so much gender.
It seems that nearly every one of my posts mentions my SO but she really saved me in more ways I thought were possible.
I stopped trying to put a label on my sexuality and just live it as best as I know how:.....say it with me......One Day At a Time.

[Sarah Doepner]

I was confused and then thought I had figured it all out. I even proclaimed that I had managed to integrate the full range of my gender identity into one nice package, all tied up with a bow. I was ready to help others and shine a light on the truth. Wow, I was so ahead of myself and reality that I'm almost embarrassed by my uninformed false confidence.

I've peeled back a couple of layers now and I'm as confused as ever. Maybe therapy is contributing to that, because I have more facts and I've given myself permission to think about it in depth. I understand things better the more I think about it, but I have no good idea of where to go next. I'm just trying to figure out what will give me the greatest peace of mind and every option I consider is out of balance in one way or another. Nothing so bad that I want to quit or give up, but it remains a puzzle that keeps me guessing. Your ideal state that accepts gender as a range is something I've wished for, but since it doesn't exist now, I'm still attempting to find a spot where I can sit in balance for a while.

[CynthiaD]

I'm a woman with male body parts. When I get dressed, I'm trying to match the picture in my mind's eye. In other words, I'm trying to look more normal. I can do the male thing, but I always have to think about it. When I just act naturally, I revert to female mode.

No, I'm not confused.

[Samantha2015]

It's never confused me as far as what gender I feel I am. I'm a guy and will always be a guy.
The confusing part for me is why I started doing it and why I still like it, now more than ever.
When I'm dressed I do feel & try to act more feminine but I know I can never be totally.
A little sad but it is what it is & I am what I am. Off to eat my spinach now. :)

[Rachelakld]

Only confused when I need the toilet, sometimes go for the ladies room out of habit, when I'm dressed as a bloke.
My cross dressing stems from a duality (main personality and a strong sub personality who now wants her "air time" as she has had many decades in lock down mode)

[Kate Simmons]

The main thing I eventually realized is that I don't have to be "this" or "that", I only have to be "myself". How others view me is entirely up to them. :battingeyelashes: :)

[kimdl93]

You've got your cause and effect reversed. Gender identity..you call it confusion, I'd call it natural variation...leads to CDing for many, if not most. In the case of fetish dressers, the cause is an association between the garments or appearance of a woman and sexual pleasure. I doubt many people are in it because the fabric feels nice.

[CONSUELO]

I think I may have been confused at first and then started cross-dressing. Or was I just a confused cross-dresser?

[Eryn]

I was definitely confused, but time and thought has helped me to understand things a bit better. I still have a long way to go, though.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Junius, It's Mind over Matter, If I don't Mind then it doesn't Matter.:daydreaming:

[Jenniferathome]

I've never been conflicted about being a cross dresser. I'm a dude and happy being so.

[Saikotsu]

When I first started dressing, I was super confused and worried. But over time I eventually found some answers and the confusion lessened. I'm still finding answers, but as of right now, I'm a genderfluid individual. My dressing didn't cause my gender identity to change. Rather, my identity caused me to change how I dress. However, the dressing did come first and prompted me to search for the answers. so I suppose the answer to your original question is yes, crossdressing muddled my internal definitions.

[bcpmax]

I am a bit confused when I try to examine why I feel the need to wear dresses; especially when I acknowledge the fact that by doing it could have negative consequences if I get caught. From some of the posts before mine, I get the sense understanding will come with time; I'm sure I'll figure this out eventually, I hope.

[Ceera]

Definitely confused, but I think that rather than the cross dressing leading to more confusion, it's helped me to focus on and express a part of myself that I have repressed for far too long.

Labels are tricky things, because what feels true today may not feel right tomorrow. Life is an evolving progress, and not a fixed snapshot. Is it accurate to say I am gender fluid and pansexual? Maybe that is close, today. Will I still think that fits me six months from now? I really don't know.

For myself, embracing the fact that I have a feminine side to my personality and that i like to express it in clothing and presentation has made me feel better about myself. I've come to accept that while I primarily am attracted to women (regardless of whether I feel more male or female myself at the time), other genders and orientations can be attractive too. I am who I am, and the only person I really need to satisfy in that regard is myself. I am very fortunate that my daughter is fully supportive or me doing whatever I please. Will my sister and other family members be as open minded, when and if they find out about this side of me? I hope so, but I feel no pressing need to blurt it out to them and risk my relationships with them, just to find out.

[Lisa9099]

I'm not a CD'er, but a born-female woman. My friend who cross dresses told me that when he was 20 years old his parents send him to a psychiatrist and he saw the psychiatrist for a year or so. He said what he learned from going to the psychiatrist was that there was nothing wrong with him at all!!! So, just thought I'd share that as it struck me as pretty funny when he shared that with me...and many years later, he's a pretty healthy, happy, successful person.

[OCCarly]

Yeah, I'm confused -- about bra sizes, adjusting bra straps, why there are three sets of hooks on a bra, and how to get the straps right on a cross back bathing suit or top.

Other than that, it's pretty simple. I'm a little trans girl, all five foot seven inches and 157 pounds of me.

[Robin414]

Umm, yah! I've spent the last 10 mo reflecting on my entire life from pre-puberty, puberty until recently, and now I can't help think puberty did a VERY good job of hiding the fact I'm supposed to be a girl but now the T is declining (really fast) I'm losing the 'fight' (yah, the word 'fight' is the confusing part 😕)

[MelanieAnne]

I stopped trying to figure it out decades ago, and just enjoy it for what it is. My mother made it well known that she would have preferred to have girls, instead of three boys. Maybe that's what pushed me over the edge.:D

[grace7777]

I am figuring out who I am. At first when dressing en femme I just thought I was a cross dresser, but now I know it is more than that. Now when dressed en femme I feel natural. These days it seems I am only in male mode when necessary.

I have had 11 sessions of laser hair removal done on my face. Now I am considering HRT. Even if I decide to do it, it probably will not happen for a year.

The question now is how far I want to go in being a girl.

[Ally 2112]

Was confused for years now i just accept it for what it is :)

[Jessie James]

I've been feeling very confused recently, it has been a primary contributor to much of my angst as of late.

Jessie~☆

[Teresa]

Sarah,
I know exactly how you feel, I joined this forum thinking I was just a guy who wears women's clothes sometimes , I posted a thread recently saying it's more than just CDing ! Exactly what I've yet to find out but I thought when we hit our sixties the whole thing would be subsiding , far from it, my thoughts and needs are as strong as ever !
As for a comfortable balance , I feel I'm balancing on a very high fence and which ever way I fall it's going to hurt someone !

[Chantel Lacey]

I began dressing as a preteen I had no idea if it was right or wrong.,. What I knew was it felt great.,. I recently began dressing again .,. I went through three phases.,. one a long time ago.,. and the other two came when i collected some sexy clothes then thought what am I doing.,. an threw them all away except one item.,. after listening to my feelings which do not let me rest if Im not paying attention to them.,.I excepted this fact I love dressing in woman's clothes.,. The only confusing part was excepting whom I am.,. after that its where to shop for the best an cheapest feeling clothes.,. If it looks good an feels good.,. I get it an rush home to wear them.,. the only time Im in boy mode now is for jobs.,. an even this Im changing.,. This Transition has many many levels to it.,. And so much to learn.,. like how to keep the bumps form arriving shortly after shaving the private areas.,. or how to tell sizes an which ones will fit the best.,. or how to walk in heels.,. my first pair lasted an hour after I got them home.,. It reminded me the first time I learn how to ice skate.,. I don't recall how many times I fell learning to keep my balance.,. So after three years of slowly wondering how this would fit into my life an getting an item here an there.,. I now go shopping an get what I want.,. its my life an I love to dress.,. if you don't like me well then that is too bad for you because baby Im not changing back.,. Life is a stage an we are all actors looking for our role to play.,. Some lines are much harder to learn then others.,. Excepting this in life is easy look at how many roles you have already played.,. Now think how many of these roles did you enjoy playing.,. How many did you get nervous before hand then after took to like a second skin.,. I bet you dressed for these parts too.,. So baby you need ask your self how well are you going to play this part.,. Then go have fun.,. and play it to the best of your ability.,. Cheers you all come back now you hear .!.

[Angela Marie]

Like many others here I was confused. But subconsciously I knew I had issues relating to my gender. The dressing and presentation as a female served as a window into my innermost thoughts. It was not an epiphany but a slow gradual process. My feminine side is present even when not dressed but for obvious reasons I have to hide it most of the time. Is it hard? Yes!! But as I like to say you play the hand your dealt. There are people in the world that are struggling with much greater issues both emotionally and physically. I'm blessed with what I have not with what I could have been.

[Raychel]

No confusion at all for me here, Just a guy who likes to dress in pretty women's clothes.
No struggling with gender issues, I am sure that any one who see's me get confused.
but I guess that will have to be their problem. :heehee:

Pretty content with the person that I am, just a guy in a nice dress.

[MissTee]

There was a time in my life where it confused me. Over the years as I learned more about myself I realized that not everything requires an explanation. I eventually grew out of the confusion state about a lot of things. Except Rubik's cubes. They still confuse me.

Oh, but I'm cool with dressing :battingeyelashes:

[Candice June Lee]

I have not been to a therapist. But years of internal issues have me feeling that my confusion has led to my Crossdressing.

[Krisi]

No confusion here. I am a straight male crossdresser. Any potential confusion is ended when I look between my legs.

[DMichele]

I do not believe that I was ever confused about my gender identity, but I knew that wearing women’s clothing felt natural. And so I expanded my feminine wardrobe; added wig and breast forms; experimented with makeup; and I am still exploring.

The internet has been an aid helping me to understand the realm of being transgender. I relate to being more female than male, but present male M-F in the work environment, and present female casual, albeit jeans and tops on weekends. It feel congruent with who I am. Accepting this side of me has made me more aware of the importance of my health and has led to improved happiness.

I don’t know what the future holds, but I take it a day at a time, and I am always looking to expand my feminine side.

[Marcelle]

Hi Junius,

Confusion kind of goes with the territory IMHO. When I first came out, I considered myself a cross dresser and only a cross dresser because to be honest, I knew little about gender identity and cross dressing seemed to fit. However as time went on and I began to interact in the vanilla world returning to "guy me" after a couple of hours, I quickly realized there were periods where I liked being guy me and periods where I loathed it (it was hard to be male). So that pushed me a little further right along the TG pathway to where I am now . . . gender fluid. Does it stop here? I really wish I could answer that question and there are days when it does not seem so and days where it does . . . so still confused.

Cheers

Isha

[angelica92]

The crossdressing has for me, been really confusing. and im still really confused. i dont know if i am cool with being a male or not unfortunatly. I hope though that someday i will know.

Regards
Angelica

[CarlaWestin]

Or are you completely cool with being a cis male with a penchant for panties?

Well? Yes? Panties, bras, breast forms, maid's dresses, cosplay, contemplating possible transition?
I'm not settled with an envelope un-pushed.

[sometimes_miss]

In brief, my crossdressing stems from growing up being molested, yet that being the only time I had anyone touch me that wasn't hitting me. It was my only brief source of physical touch of any kind resembling affection. Because I dressed up before it, I associate dressing up and behaving as a girl with the expectation of affection. He would tell me often that I was supposed to be a girl, and that if I were good then maybe god would fix me, I believed this, and expected to get the body changes that child GG's did when they got older (when they went through puberty). This went on for many years, often daily for months on end, at an age that I believe to have been while my gender was not yet 'set' firmly. So by the time I got to high school, I really thought I was supposed to be a girl. By the time I figured it all out, I had been believing this for so long that it was a permanent part of who I am. So even though I know that I am male, there will always be the underlying feeling that I'm supposed to be a girl, despite all evidence to the contrary. I guess it's kind of like a favorite or hated flavor. You can try to convince yourself that you either like or don't like it, but you'll never really be able to change what you really like, or what you don't. All you can do is deal with it the best way you can. I choose rather than fight the desire every waking second, to simply embrace it, and live as a female as much as I can, while also understanding that the vast majority of our lives are the same whether we are male or female. I can elaborate on this via PM if you wish, it's really too long to post.

[Karen RHT]

No "confusion" here for me, but that might be because I don't care why I do it. Sure...crossdressing has presented me with challenges and obstacles over the years, and to a certain extent it still does. I accept the fact it's up to me to either control my crossdressing, or let it control me. As such, I'm able to relax, participate willingly, and enjoy doing it.


Karen

[Tracii G]

I might not have understood why I felt more female than male in the beginning but have accepted its just who I am.
I may have a male body but everything in my brain tells me I am female hence emotions,feelings and how I look at the world around me.
Confused? No not at all.

[Alexis08]

There are times I question my gender identity, but after some reflection, I realize that I'm just an androgynous guy who like to dress feminine sometimes. I don't want to transition. The thought of having a couple of saggy lumps on my chest 24/7 isn't something that appeals to me.


So I'm just a genuine transvestite.

[SusanMarie]

I once told someone that I was confused about my gender, but they said I was mistaken. Inside you really know who you are, you just need to be honest with yourself. Works for me.

[St. Eve]

Lovely thread....

All I know is that I have felt uncomfortable as a "male and only male" for the vast majority of my life. When I CD in any form, my insides feel more congruent and I feel peaceful and happy.
Sometimes, in the past 15 years, after tons of personal work, I am also peaceful and happy as a male. Are you confused yet, I am! The best part is I am finally at peace with the confusion and moving forward with a sense of adventure and curiosity instead of shame and big fear (the fear is still there, but now smaller than the other stuff.) I am doing my best to be at peace with both my male body, and my masculine and feminine expressions....

I also hope my spouse and community and family will find peace with me, too - and - I know I am not in control of that....

Peace
St. Eve

Peace
St. Eve

[donnalee]

As far as I have been able to tell, everyone who joins this site is confused; that's why we are here. We're all in search of an explanation (something that tells us why, although I haven't run across a plausible one in the 7 years I've been a member) and how we can deal with the situation (there are so many different ways that there doesn't seem to be a particular way to do so).
The only definite thing is that it IS, it doesn't go away, although it may ebb and flow, and is innate to us.
That's about as complete an explanation as I can come up with.

[Junius]

All I know is that I have felt uncomfortable as a "male and only male" for the vast majority of my life.


I agree so much with this statement. I was always fairly effeminate growing up. I made myself more masculine to fit in at the cost of my own happiness. I saw it as a flaw that I was not as masculine as my peers. To "relax" (but really to escape the inner turmoil that this caused) I started to smoke pot, which numbed me enough to hide this part of me.

[Talyla]

I'm most definitely confused too, but enjoying the ride.

[Dana44]

I was confused until I found the term androgynous and the fact that I'm a more fem male and never knew why. Now I do and I like to dress the fem side and display it. I also like to display my male side. I'm a true transvestite and love it.

[Tina_gm]

Uh, yeah, sometimes I guess lol. There are times when I feel like I am slipping into more of being a woman in a man's body, but then I will do something like golf (not that it itself is just a guy thing) but how I like to play, aggressive, from the farthest tees, like to hit it past the other guys, like the male bonding that golf offers... Other things as well that give me the same types of feelings. I realize that I do not want to part with those things. I also did examine the possibility about a month ago or so of maybe some sort of transition, or going full/most of the time fem, which that itself would cause me to out myself to pretty much everyone.... And as I thought of it all, I realized that it really isn't in the cards for me. It sounds good sometimes, but the reality for me is that it would cause more harm than good. I just apparently do not want or need it bad enough to make those types of changes.

I sometimes get confused as to why I even try to CD at all and why I don't give it up entirely... Why I am only attracted to women, why I don't just give up and become one.... All of this just leads me to the conclusion that I am just somewhere stuck between a man and a woman, and CDing helps me to be part of who I am, whatever that is.

[carolynn2fem]

Me confused? yes no and maybe. there are too many boxes I fit into and so many that I do not. I am totally comfortable underdressing, I am also comfortable hunting in a tree stand. there are extreams about me that are in conflict with one another but at some point I will gravitate to one or the other.

[kimberly c]

Im not cofused. I like my male self, but I find my feminine side to be very strong. When Im dressed being feminine is just natural. Very happy now being a crossdresser not at all leaning to be a TS.


Love Kim

[LucyNewport]

Great thread! I've been confused about my gender for much of my life, but I think the cross dressing has been more of a symptom than the cause. It has always allowed me to access a side of my personality that was walled off from my male persona. I am less confused now that I have accepted myself as who and what I am. All that is left for me to do is make it so.

[Loni]

confused? normal? strange? differnt? and a lot of "other" such wordings. just was to box us (or anybody) in with.

with that said, right now just laying on my bed (just moved so no front room seating) i am underdressed forms and all. one of my "house" dresses on. no make-up. dreading having to change clothing for work, crazy thinking about leaving the bra and forms on for work... instant unemployment.

is that confused ?

[Elli87]

I used to think I was a trans woman, I had even gone so far as taking hormones and seeing a doctor. Though I have left that confusion I'm happy i'm a man, Sometimes I go fem sometimes I go androgynous-ish. I have come to except and appreciate the man I have cultivated over the years and I have learned to appreciate and enjoy the woman that comes out from time to time.

[Anne-Sofie]

I'm not confused. I have a male side and female side. When my female side is strong I like to dress up completely en act/try to be like a girl. When my male side is strong I don't like to dress up and act/be just a guy.

x Anne-Sofie

[Kaze_]

Na, I'm a guy.

I just enjoy clothing and makeup. \o/

[StefaniLara]

I'm not confused at all. In fact, since I'm started embracing this part of me, I've come to realize that I really do feel as though I should have been born a woman. I don't know if I would want to transition, but there it is.

[Junius]

Thanks for all of the responses! I've changed drastically in the last few weeks and even though I don't know what this is in me that makes me want to cross dress regularly I know what it isn't.
It isn't sexual in nature. It feels natural, not erotic.
It isn't a fixed binary gender. I don't ever feel 100% comfortable as a man in a man's world but I can't see myself ever transitioning.
I'm exploring this part of me in hopes that I can integrate it into my identity so I can present as I choose. Maybe it's fluid, maybe it's androgynous or maybe I'm a Time Lord. Self acceptance is one again in my reach and I will not fall short this time.

[flatlander_48]

No, I don't think I've ever been confused, but it did take a while for the reality to set in. However, my progression started with thinking that I was gay for the better part of 10 years. Then it occured to me that I was actually bisexual and that reality hasn't changed in ~15 years. Buy the time I added crossdresser about 8 years ago, it wasn't a big deal.

DeeAnn

[Elli87]

Thanks for all of the responses! I've changed drastically in the last few weeks and even though I don't know what this is in me that makes me want to cross dress regularly I know what it isn't.
It isn't sexual in nature. It feels natural, not erotic.
It isn't a fixed binary gender. I don't ever feel 100% comfortable as a man in a man's world but I can't see myself ever transitioning.
I'm exploring this part of me in hopes that I can integrate it into my identity so I can present as I choose. Maybe it's fluid, maybe it's androgynous or maybe I'm a Time Lord. Self acceptance is one again in my reach and I will not fall short this time.

yes you put what I feel though much more eloquently.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Junius, I totally enjoy having the best of both worlds.:hugs:

[Claire Cook]

Hi Junius, I totally enjoy having the best of both worlds.:hugs:

Works for me. I now fully accept all of me.

[Krististeph]

You've got your cause and effect reversed. Gender identity..you call it confusion, I'd call it natural variation...

I like Kim's point of view. It is a very useful and erudite technique when looking at something that is not concrete. What if cross dressing is actually the clearest point of view for those of us with some aspect of gender identity variation? We are not female- physically. We are not fully male- intellectually. I say screw the 50 shades of grey and let's introduce technicolor. Seriously- we are something other than the majority, but just because we have aspects of both genders, this does not necessarily mean we are 'in between".

Native americans took gender dysphoria as a sign of shamanism. Now I'm not suggesting we are links to any higher intelligence because we are CD/TG/GD, but we do have a pretty unique outlook, or introspection even.

For every ape or nitwit who starts out with "I don't understand how these people<fill in whatever>", you have a person who just admitted that whatever 'deviation' they see is beyond their ability to comprehend. And when you think about it, that's a fairly big thing- to admit one cannot understand something. The problem is when these persons try to understand something by trying to force an idea upon what they do not understand.

What the hell is so wrong with not being able to understand something? I'm a professor- I teach adults of all ages a lot of stuff- even stuff they didn't even necessarily sign up for- but the idea of learning is what they want- and they get it. We all are on the path of always learning- especially in modern times- we'll never know enough, we'll never know it all, not by a long shot. The absolute best part of teaching in when I see people realize there is more to learn than they had thought- and start to question why the majority of people, the zeitgeist, think a certain way when it suddenly becomes obvious that they are in error. It happens on many levels.

Confusion? Hell no. Crossdressing is one of the few things that actually makes sense to me. I want to embody the feminine aspect I see as my ideal. Is this ideal real? Highly improbable- and having that inability to resolve this fact- this logical impossibility- to be female, when I grew up and experienced life as a male, keeps me grounded in the fact that there is no magic wand to make things "right". I, my desire or wishes, will forever be at odds with reality. And I have to deal with it.

Now go ahead and tell me that I am more confused than the average human...

Thanks Kim, and you too Junius.
-k

[Chrissy1966]

No, I don't think I've ever been confused, but it did take a while for the reality to set in. However, my progression started with thinking that I was gay for the better part of 10 years. Then it occured to me that I was actually bisexual and that reality hasn't changed in ~15 years. Buy the time I added crossdresser about 8 years ago, it wasn't a big deal.

DeeAnn

Without rehashing my life story (again) from previous posts, I was very confused. Conflicted would be a better term. Besides my own in-private dressing, the only real world CD experiences I had seen were drag shows....gay clubs..etc. For the record, I was one of those "straight" guys who went to the club with friends only to dance, drink, do drugs and dance. I didn't dare show my other side(s) This was in the 80s. Yikes! That was a while ago, eh

So naturally, I put two and two together: I dress, therefore I'm gay. Once again, seeing the world in black/white.

It sounds crazy after only a few months but since telling my wife, it's like someone threw a switch. Before I found this site, I tried chatting with guys in gay chat rooms about coming out to my wife but guess what? They only want to talk about sex. Go figure.

I can't figure it out. I was spending hours chatting, watching gay porn, cruising the CL ads (never hooking up).......but now, it's all gone. I've told my wife all of this. We even watched gay porn together a couple of times but now......eh, take it or leave it. I'm still interested in it, I suppose, and maybe if the right guy came along at the right time.....maybe. But I'm no longer thinking about it day/night.

I'm simply thinking out loud , ladies. I'm sorry to ramble on and on.

Earlier this year, before I finally hit bottom with all of the hiding, I knew something was not right. My routine would be to get a hotel room (my job takes me to many Hampton Inns), and it had to be a big me-party. I would plan for days what I would bring, making sure I had everything ready to go. I couldn't wait to check in and get dressed. It had always been sexual at first but then I found that I was forcing myself to actually make it sexual. I enjoyed dressing very much but then I couldn't finish the show, so to speak. Why didn't this turn me on like it used to? I couldn't figure it out.

I know that some of this cookie cutter, textbook: Our sex life was dead. I turned to something (gay sex) taboo to make it exciting and naughty....etc etc etc. And now that our sex life is back on track, I'm satisfied and am no longer wanting/needing anything else to fill the void. The desire to dress is still there but it's no longer so much a sexual thing. I've disconnected dressing with being gay. It's been an interesting few months, to say the least.

I hope that I didn't stray from the subject too much. I've still got a lot to learn about who I am and who Chrissy is. I feel that since she's no longer hidden, she has a chance to develop........if that makes any sense.

It feels good to talk to people (here) who understand when I talk about two different people: Me and Her.

Thank you

[Henriette7]

I'm most definitely confused. Since I started this journey is has been more and more confusing. Really having trouble to live up to my male role in all part of my life. Where this will go I don't know for the moment, but hopefully my gender terapist can help me sort something out :-)

Hugs
Henriette

[flatlander_48]

It feels good to talk to people (here) who understand when I talk about two different people: Me and Her.

Personally, I look at it as 2 presentations of the same personality. I have the same likes and dislikes, ethics, etc. in either presentation. The core remains the same. For this reason, I tend not to refer to DeeAnn in the 3rd person. That doesn't seem right to me and I think it also has to do with bringing things together.

Related to what I mentioned previously, to me it seemed that getting aligned with the sexuality part was much more difficult that realizing I liked to crossdress. But, as everyone's path is different, the things that we struggle with are somewhat different also.

DeeAnn