Thanks Dad. :)

[Chardonnay Merlot]

I recently returned from trip home. The first since losing my father. He was a major part of my life...and he was the first to really know about me.

I never planned on telling him. Not then. I couldn't tell myself about me. I still didn't get it

Why? Why do I have an inner girl? Why did I let her out?

I denied it for years. I denied wondering how I looked in a cheer skirt, while I was in the huddle getting the next play.

How I would vehemently hate being called a "girl" back in the care free curl days -- yet would be secretly flattered

How I went to great lengths to make sure dad didn't see my cache of feminine attire.

But there was that day.

He was visiting from out of state, and while I was at work he was cleaning my apartment trying to be nice to me in the middle of a string of late nights at the office.

While he was cleaning, he saw what I forgot to conceal.

He confronted me that evening at dinner. Busted. Stunned.

They were a handful. It was obvious.

A fistful of Victoria's Secret. You couldn't explain away the colors, the fabrics, the lace, the bows.

I was stuck.

Do I lie?

Do I lie to the man who taught me how to compete?

Do I lie to my first coach?

Do I lie to a father whom I had lost and found, and because of cancer, I was afraid I'd lose again?

"Yes dad, they're mine"

He freaked out. Every possible trope you could pull out, he did.

But, he calmed down after a couple of hours.

And what followed was an all-night heart-to-heart talk that was sorely needed. So much out on the table.

Reconciliation. Redemption. Forgiveness.

So much healing done for us both about a lot of things that frayed us in the past.

He grew to understand..and educate himself about what was going on with his child. It helped me take my first step away from denial and into digging deeper about me.

"I love you with agape. That's unconditional."

I lost my dad a year ago.

I still can't believe he's gone.

I look at his headstone, and it still a shock.

The toughest part about losing him was losing the person who taught me so much in how to live in humility and strength, and how to die that way.

And losing the person who first understood his tough little boy was also his tough little girl.

Thanks, dad :)

[JeanetteX]

What a beautiful heartfelt story Chardonnay, it brought tears to my eyes. I'm so sorry for you and the loss of your dad, I hope you manage to get over it. Good luck girl

[Claire Cook]

Dear Chardonnay,

Thanks so much for sharing this heartwarming story. Those memories of your Dad are so special ... I know you will hold them dear and that they will support and guide you in the future. We can't say enough about supportive parents.

With sympathy,

Claire

[Samantha2015]

Very touching post. Losing a parent is the worst. Time helps the pain but you always wish he was here.
20+ years for me & still miss him. Remembering the good days helps heal. So sorry for your loss.

[Katey888]

That is a very touching recollection, Chardonnay... and very nicely written too. :hugs:

Condolences for your loss, but thank you for sharing your feelings as you have probably encapsulated fears and emotions that many of us have had regarding our own parents and the secrets we kept from them.

Katey x

[Kandi Robbins]

Beautifully written, beautifully said.

[I Am Paula]

Thanks for such a beautiful post. I lost my Dad last winter, and it's still hard at times. He was supposed to be invincible, and immortal.
My Dad got to know Paula, and accepted her absolutely. I was glad he didn't die without knowing he had another daughter.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi CM, Thanks for sharing such a wonderful story, You are blessed to have had such a loving:love: father.

[MissTee]

You will cherish his memory and that bond for always. Thank you for sharing such a beautiful story! I'm touched.

[Marcelle]

Hi Chardonnay,

What a beautiful and heartfelt post. Loss is always hard but loosing a parent is extremely hard . . . my condolences. However, I am touched that you had the opportunity to share this part of you with your wonderful dad and find acceptance . . . that is a memory you can hold in your heart forever.

Cheers

Isha

[Kate Simmons]

He is still with you my friend and proud of you for who you have become as a person. :)

[Sarah Doepner]

I hope I have his kind of wisdom and strength to face the challenges brought to my door by my family. It would be an amazing legacy to follow his example. Thank you for sharing.

[Robin414]

My dad passed away about a year ago and we knew it was coming, I still remember the last visit (and we knew it was the last at the time), and wow that was tough! Really, really, really hard to leave !😢

[Meghan4now]

Chardonnay,

I see your father used the word agape, and you remembered it. I would guess that your father was a man of deep faith and love. He fulfilled his mission in life of passing that love on to you, and I wouldn't be surprised that you pass it on to others. Thank you for sharing your story, and allowing us to also celebrate his life. Far more important than 99% of what passes for life.

May you and your father be blessed.

[Pat]

Wow! What an awesome Dad! You were fortunate indeed. Thanks for sharing the story.

[Robinadress]

Thank you for a beautiful and well written story. You must be proud of your dad, and you should be proud of your self.

[carhill2mn]

Thanks for sharing such an intimate thing. How wonderful that you and your dad were able to reconcile these feelings while he was alive. I am sure that you are missing him.

[Dana44]

Very good thanks to your dad. Very nicely written. I lost my dad several years ago and deeply regret that he would not ever have a good talk with me about me.

[Lori Kurtz]

Beautiful story. You're a lucky guy--and a lucky girl--to be able to have done this important piece of work with your dad.

[Samantha Clark]

Wow (sobs). Moving piece. I lost my dad long ago, but he never knew and never would have understood.

[flatlander_48]

C M:

Well Said BabyGirl, Well Said...

DeeAnn

[justmetoo]

Great story, well-written! Great father, too. My condolences.

I doubt very much my dad would react as well if he found out about this side of me.

[Jorja]

Well thanks, Chardonnay. My father's birthday would have been today. Because of your fantastic post, I have spent a wonderful day remembering my Dad. We had a very disturbing and sometimes violent relationship until his last 15 years. We patched up our differences and truly enjoyed each others company. He has been gone about 15 years now. I still miss him every day.

[Robin414]

Hi Chardonnay, I kinda got caught up in my own dad's passing in my last post and lost the point of my reply. I just wanted to offer my sincerest condolences, I feel your pain! 😢

[Candee]

What an amazing and heartfelt story....I'm still sobbing... I lost my dad 7 years ago and I miss him so much. Thanks for sharing it with us.

Candee

[St. Eve]

Thanks for your beautiful story. So glad you had a dad who taught you so much....grieve well until the space the grief creates is filled with the celebration of your dad's place in your life and the knowledge that his essence lives in your heart and your being forever....

Peace
St. Eve

[charlenesomeone]

Chardonnay, very moving, thanks for sharing and brings a tear to fall. So happy for your wonderful memories and sorry for your loss.

[Linda Leigh]

What a wonderful story about you and your Dad. I hope all goes well for you :) You post also brought tears to my eyes as I thought about my father.

Hugs

Linda Leigh

[Isabella Ross]

Thank you for posting this, Chardonnay.

[Cheryl James]

It sounds like he taught you to forgive and accept yourself, too. A parent's love for their child is everlasting and deeper than the deepest ocean. You were very lucky to have him as your dad.

[kimdl93]

That's a wonderful testimony to the transcendent power of love and the incalculable value of a true father to a child.