CDers creating their own identity

[Jill]

About thirteen or fourteen years ago I first logged onto this forum; I was dying to ask one burning question that I had felt for years. Why? Why do I CD? Why do we CD? I had to know. I asked and was profoundly disappointed with the answers that I got. Nobody was able to provide me with an answer that worked for me. Years later, someone said to me "because it feels good." She was right and now my answer has evolved to "it's fun and it feels good." But one thing has often nagged at me. This whole idea of emulating a female for me has not necessarily been about trying to look like a woman or be a woman or pass as woman. Partially, that's because I don't pass. I'm too big and tall for starters. But I'm realizing, more and more, that my motivation for CDing is less and less to pass as a female. I have often said that I would much rather be a guy that CD's than a female. I fully understand that many don't feel way and truly desire to be female and that's fine but lately I've been thinking about CDers having their own identity. One big criticism with CDers is that they wear things that GG's would never wear or they put together outfits that GG's would never put together. I've even seen other CDers offer criticism to others, telling them to not wear clothing that draws attention to them, to dress like regular women. But I don't enjoy dressing like regular women. I dislike dressing like my grandmother. Blending in is not, and never has been, my goal. But now I am realizing that I think me as a CDer is it's own identity. It's not necessarily male, it's not necessarily female. Yes the presentation is female in nature but that's not exactly what I'm shooting for. I'm a crossdresser. That means, that on occasion, I dress in female attire wearing dresses, skirts, nylons and high heels.

As I have crawled around the web, it seems like there are thousands and thousands of males that engage in CDing to some degree or another. It seems to be more and more prevalent; it seems like our numbers are growing or even exploding. Either that or there are a lot more people that are opening up about it instead of hiding it. It seems like a lot of them go for over the top makeup, outfits and overall looks. They wear the flashy wigs and the big false eye lashes, the flashy dresses, the super high heels and they look fantastic! In the back of my mind I can hear other people saying that they shouldn't wear their makeup like that, they shouldn't wear that outfit. I was recently noting on a picture of a male dressed as female that she was wearing shimmery pantyhose underneath her leggings. In the back of my mind, I can hear people saying, real women don't do that. Real women don't wear red thigh high platform suede boots but I'm not a woman. I'm a crossdresser. In my mind there is female fashion and then there is CD fashion and they are kind of different. We wear what we wear because it's fun and it feels good, not necessarily because we are trying to blend in. I would argue that we don't need women and their trends to dictate what we wear or want to wear. I even wonder if there are certain aspects and types of female clothing that we are helping to keep alive. Nylons and pantyhose are coming back but I would argue that CDers played a huge role in keeping them from going obsolete during the slump. In short, be who you want to be, wear what you want to wear. If you're CDing and it's not fun and if it doesn't feel good, you're doing it wrong.

[Li'l Miss]

Amen to that. I for one crossdress strictly for the arousal factor. I have no desire to be female, but I do enjoy dressing female and being treated like a lady.

[Dana44]

Jill, I agree that we are creating our own identity. I dress because it is fun. I do have feminine or female thoughts. I would not call them feminine, well yes I'm sure they are. Heck, yes we love our heels, thigh high and skirts tops and boots. My style is far different than my SO's, Yet from this I see her getting as dressed up as me in her own style. It is fun to see. I think a CD reflects what he wants to see women do. One thing for sure I look at the women out there and most are sloppy in their appearance. Many young people are dressing right and look great. We have our own style and our SO's have guided us to be better at it. But, I have great legs and would go out in a very high mini. She got me into nice pencil shirts that reflect the same sexyness. The short mini, i wear around the house. So it is good to have a woman's advice. But you are right they do not dictate our styles. Funny as a male I love boots and always wear them. My so say's I don't have a nice heel for this short black leather skirt. I tell her to put on her Harley boots. She does, I think it looks great. She give me the funny look. But what looks good looks good. I bet she got a lot of looks and men telling their wives that they need to be a little more risky.

[Kate Simmons]

I, personally, use CDing as a vehicle to get stuff done I wouldn't normally do en homme and to have fun, such as in socializing and dancing, etc.:battingeyelashes::)

[Kristine120]

My opinion is that as women have become more empowered in the real world, many men have been left behind. And some men are compensating by becoming the females that they always wanted to be with. What I find ironic is that these men are more concerned with being sexy than many real women.

[Eryn]

My opinion is that as women have become more empowered in the real world, many men have been left behind....

There may be some truth to that. Some men no longer perceive anything special or advantageous about being male. This may be a cause of the malaise among the male population that has resulted in declining male college enrollment, reduced male participation in voting, etc. A number of books have been written on the subject.

[NicoleScott]

Jill, I agree. I have always been curious as to why I crossdress. It took some time, but the "what's wrong with me?" turned into acceptance but still the academic curiosity remained as to why I am driven to crossdress. I just don't worry about it any longer. I identify as a male who likes to dress up occasionally - a crossdresser. As I transformed myself over the years (OK, decades) my identity was revealed. I have dressed to blend/pass/not stand out in public but I found it to be highly unsatisfying. Seeing myself in the mirror, "that's not me". The most fun, the greatest pleasure, and the most comfortable I was when I made up and dressed over-the-top, exaggerating those attributes that, visually, differentiated women from men: the shortest skirts and highest heels to emphasize the legs, heavy makeup with bold eyes (with those monster eyelashes) and deep red lips, long painted nails to match, big glittery jewellery, etc. It took a while, but I remember the evening when for the first time "I nailed it". I know most women don't dress this way, but I'm a crossdresser, and that's MY identity.

[LucyNewport]

Dressing over the top can be fun. I feel the same way about Halloween (aka the BEST holiday) and themed costume parties. Many a drag queen has built a career on extreme femme style. If this is who you are I say go for it!

There will always be nay sayers who try to police the boundaries of what can or should be worn. It is up to you to listen to them or not.

I'm more of a flats-jeans-tee gal myself, but I greatly appreciate ladies who push the envelope. If you have the cojones to rock an out there gown in daytime, or wear a skirt with a full beard I'm with you 100%. The more visible queer people are the more freedom we all have to be ourselves.

[justmetoo]

Yes, I think there is no definitive answer, because we each have our own answers. One size does not fit all! There is no "one true way".
My own style is subdued, because I don't like to call attention to myself in any mode. That's just part of who I am. Other people don't mind the spotlight, and some crave it. Nothing wrong with that. Variety is the spice of life and all that. :D

[Tracii G]

Jeans and Tee girl here too maybe a skirt or dress once and a while.
Over the top drag if you like it is fine,dressing to the nines is fine too just do what you like.

[Julie 29]

I've found that the two years that I've been going out and accepting myself I have created my look that I like. I have a short to mid length blonde bobbed hair. I'm an animal print kind of girl. I go for the leopard and Zebra prints. Whether be dresses or tops that I wear. I do have a a pair of heeled boots. I do want to get leather pants and skirt. I do have hoop style earring. Silver necklaces that work. The other items that I want are a studded belt and bracelets. I guess if I had to sum up my look it would be a rocker girl look. I'm a rocker girl at heart.

Julie

[Marcelle]

Hi Jill,

Hence the reason why no one person can define this thing we do as we all come at if from different angles. Having fun and accepting yourself is all that counts irrespective of how you dress or present. To their own is a good rule to live by.

Cheers

Isha

[Stephanie De Vil]

My steping out was mostly the idea "I'll try anything once, twice if I like it" and now 6 years later, I'm a pageant queen going after my first crown. More money in makeup and wigs then I spent on my first car. It evolved into a hiding mechanism (I'm manic depressant) into a full fledged part of me. I like to think of myself as a female impersonator than a CD. And that's mainly to how I was raised (pentecostal, the horrors lol)

I'm learning to love me, with and without the boobs. 😄

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Jill, I just love seeing that pretty lady in the mirror smiling at me.:daydreaming:

[kimdl93]

To each their own.

[Chrissy1966]

I agree.

When I dress, (sometimes) I just go over the top, at least with my behavior. Really fem and campy. I blast club dance music, have a few cocktails and primp around the house.....at least when I can get some alone time. haha. But this is me and we're all on our own journey. No labels.

My SO doesn't do well in 5" heels and asked how I did it. I told her to think campy, bimbo.....cliché.....and walk like you're selling it, girl. :D

And after seeing so many of the wonderful pics here, I'm learning more about the next level where I can take my CD'ing. I certainly don't own enough outfits (do we ever??) and not enough accessories. Earrings, jewelry...etc. I'd like to get away from the trashy look (sometimes) and wear a nice simple outfit.

I'm not sure if I strayed from the topic or not.

either way, hope everyone is having a good day.

[Adriana Moretti]

YES!!!This is supposed to be fun!!!! Even I will put on something crazy and fun ( especialy at home or at a wild cd event) ...out in the vanilla public sure..i will tone it down but hey at home ....i go nuts ..like you said if it feels good wear it !!!
I JUST did a guest article on Crossdresser Heaven on the subject of dressing to blend IN or stick out....if you are interested it is right here
http://www.crossdresserheaven.com/do-you-care-if-you-pass/

[JessicaJHall]

That's right, we am what we am that's what we am. What looks cute on GGs often only looks cute because they are GGs, and we are quite another species. But even they spend a lifetime figuring out what works for them, and they are often in the unfortunate position of not wanting to attract the wrong kind of attention, especially from the men of other GGs. On the other hand, seeing them wear everyday looks I like often inspires my efforts.
And for all you CD SOs out there who might have issues with what they might perceive as their own shortcomings, just look at how pleased we often are to resemble you in the smallest way... even your worst "flaws" can be beautiful to others.
TL - DR version: Freekin' A, GFs! Great thread :hugs:

[Carrie M]

Thank you so much for starting this thread to present your thoughts, Jill. This makes so much sense to me that it is going to help me understand why I love being a CD but answer "no" if asked if I want to be a woman. Thank you.

[ReineD]

Years later, someone said to me "because it feels good." She was right and now my answer has evolved to "it's fun and it feels good."

... But one thing has often nagged at me. This whole idea of emulating a female for me has not necessarily been about trying to look like a woman or be a woman or pass as woman. Partially, that's because I don't pass. I'm too big and tall for starters. But I'm realizing, more and more, that my motivation for CDing is less and less to pass as a female. I have often said that I would much rather be a guy that CD's than a female. I fully understand that many don't feel way and truly desire to be female and that's fine but lately I've been thinking about CDers having their own identity.


I agree with the "because it feels good". Not everyone does this for reasons of gender dysphoria.

But the words "own or third identity" can be confusing, because usually an alternate gender identity is related to gender dysphoria. This is when a person feels they are NOT the identity they were assigned at birth, either fully or partially (TS or bigender/gender fluid).

There are indeed CDers whose male identities are intact (there is no 3rd identity for them) and who are attracted to one (or several) facets of femininity simply because it feels good. And that's perfectly OK. People don't need to construct separate identities just because they enjoy dressing up especially when, like you, they know they are male and they enjoy being male. They do have male-identities but they are also males who love dressing up as women.

I think there is a trend to want to explain away or associate the CDing with gender-identity issues, because somehow this normalizes it in the eyes of people who don't get that it's perfectly OK for men to enjoy dressing up, or fantasize about having boobs, or fantasize about being a sexy woman in bed with a guy. We live in a society that for the longest time looked down upon people who had alternate sexual predispositions as being deviant somehow, but thankfully this is changing. Now, sex therapists are encouraging people to express their sexualities even if they are not "traditional". And then there are people for whom the sexual aspect of the CDing does diminish over time and who reach a degree of familiarity and comfort when they're dressed (they're no longer always aroused when dressed), and this can get confusing because so many people in this community take it that if it is no longer sexual then it "MUST" be gender-related, and so the person "MUST" then be TS, even if they don't want to live publicly as a woman full time, get a legal transition, or get SRS. No wonder people are confused, all because for the most part our society tells CDers that it is not OK to simply be a CDer, to be a male who enjoys expressing some form of femininity.

In your last paragraph you describe CDers who enjoy dressing without feeling they are women and I agree, there are millions of websites that cater to this which is an indication of their numbers. And it's not just the clothes. Here's a list of very general things that I've seen members describe, that I've seen in my SO's support group, and that I've also seen on the internet, and if CDers are into those things, they do have an "identity" of being a CDer, which is another way of saying they are males who enjoy experiencing one or several of the following aspects of femininity:

1. The clothes. There's a wide range here, from people who mostly like the ultra sexy look, or little girl frilly dresses, or wedding gowns, etc. One person here was into ball gowns. For some people it's about specific fabrics. One person I heard on NPR this week (Bissinger) had a thing for leather: skirts, women's pants, jackets, etc. For others it's about angora sweaters.

2. And/or, it's about doing something regarded as sterotypically feminine, like taking on a secretarial role, or a maid, stewardess, night club diva, school girl, etc. There are outfits that cater to that too.

3. And/or, it's relating to the sexiness factor of a woman, or her sexual role. So there's arousal to the fantasy of having woman's body or parts of one, without really wanting to change the male body in real life.

4. And/or, it's relating to a woman's body functions. We don't see a lot of it here because the rules prohibit it, but there are websites that sell prostheses that mimic women's body parts and functions and some websites cater to CDers who like to look pregnant.

So all is good. People can be CDers who do not want to transition but who enjoy one or several of the above, or they can be TSs who do transition and eventually live happily as women afterwards, or they can be TSs (or avid CDers) who use coping mechanisms to straddle living as a male (or rarely dressing up), if their life circumstances do not permit transition (or freely expressing the CDing). But I should think that either of these last two is very difficult and not pleasant at all.

[deebra]

Your statement that our numbers are growing by the thousands, males to some degree have tried CDing and our numbers are exploding ???? Just last week one member researched this and she came back with 3 to 5 out of a 1000. I never see another CD out in public, just me when I look in the mirror. I really really hope you are right on more males getting into it (yea, that's panties and all the other stuff) and it being not "more accepted" but ACCEPTED. Accepted meaning if males chose to wear fem clothing it would be looked upon no different than deciding whether to wear shorts or long pants.

[Jill]

My statement on the number of males doing this, is speculation of course. Ultimately, it's pretty impossible to get a firm number. Consider, first of all, how many unique profiles are on this website alone, there are a lot. Granted, not all of them are CDers or TG but most, probably 95% or greater are on the spectrum somewhere. Doing searches online for pictures of CDers on sites such as pinterest, tumblr and others, there are countless unique photos of males dressed as females. And then you have to figure that all those unique profiles and all those unique pictures is just a small representation of the real number. Not everyone that CD's posts pictures online or goes onto forums or whatever. Many still live in hostile environments, are plagued with fear, doubt and shame or for whatever reason choose to watch from the sidelines for the time being. I also came up with what I did because I have seen studies that are being done and social trends around men being more feminine. It's simply my own observations and opinion, that's all.

[NicoleScott]

Jill, any number thrown out there is a guess. Here's mine: 5%

Another piece of evidence that the numbers are high, in addition to the forum members and online pics, are the number of online sites catering to CDers, especially since many CDers buy only women's things. But still, it's just a guess.

Anyway, the topic is CDer identity, and I agree with your last sentence (OP) that if it's not fun you're doing it wrong.

[Jill]

I very much agree with everything you have said Nicole and feel like we're on the same page. You also make a good point about the numbers. There are products, websites and businesses that cater to CDers and they do it successfully, they stay in business. I would argue that 3 to 5 per thousand (.3-.5%) is not enough to sustain a business or a website. Even if every single CDer patronized it. The number of Tumblr blogs dedicated to CDing and TG folk alone, I think, is positive indication that the numbers are much higher than .3 to .5%.

[Samantha Clark]

I've been thinking about CDers having their own identity. [snip] I'm a crossdresser. That means, that on occasion, I dress in female attire wearing dresses, skirts, nylons and high heels.

[snip] I'm a crossdresser. In my mind there is female fashion and then there is CD fashion and they are kind of different. We wear what we wear because it's fun and it feels good, not necessarily because we are trying to blend in.

I could not agree more. I feel that there is a distinct place for CDs who do not have gender identity issues but just like to dress up. That's me. I have a male gender identity. No dysphoria. I like to occasionally wear female clothes, make up and a wig because it's fun.

[ReineD]

I feel that there is a distinct place for CDs who do not have gender identity issues but just like to dress up. That's me. I have a male gender identity. No dysphoria. I like to occasionally wear female clothes, make up and a wig because it's fun.

If you were to google "crossdresser" and tally all the websites that show up on the search page, you'd find millions, literally millions of websites that cater to men who do this for other reasons than identity, and only a handful of websites like this one (cd.com), where other things than the sexual or fun aspect of the CDing are discussed. This is an indication that most CDers do identify as men and they do this for fun and/or for sex, and it goes no further than that. I don't know why the CDers who hang out in this particular forum should think any differently or question whether or not the majority of CDers have identity issues?

[Samantha Clark]

I get the identity point of the OP and I "identify" with it. My CD clothes are dresses and skirts with blouses. I wear heels. My wife gave me some flats and low heels (<1 in) but I don't wear them. I don't have girl pants or casual clothes. That's my CD style identity. When I dress up I don't want to look like the average woman, I want to look like the pretty me!

[AbigailJordan]

I can relate to this to a degree.. I've found that as time goes on, Abi definitely has developed a particular style regime.. bodycons work well so they are the staple, with jumpsuits and playsuits for more casual events.. skater dresses or leggings and blingy tops for daywear. All the "regular" girl stuff such as jeans/trousers/casual tops are now part of my androgynous wardrobe, worn almost exclusively as an alternative to drab.

I can't imagine Abi ever going out in even smart jeans unless the weather/events prescribed it. She has flats, but I wear those more than she does, it's always heels with the dresses.

I've actually found that I share a LOT of style with 3 of my closest friends too.. I have lost count of the number of times one of them has said "Oh I LOVE that dress/top/jeans" etc. I've also encountered a couple of occasions of "omg, I have that exact same dress at home" too. one of my friends mothers once asked me if I was actually born male after I helped my friend match shoes and accessories to a new dress she bought.. my answer was "unfortunately.. yes I was" lol

[Jennifer B]

It seems that for many of us it's taken a longtime to discover why. In the end, "because I enjoy it" seems to fit the bill for a large number of us. Having said that, I'm sure that there are many others that do it for for many different reasons and for several reasons at the same time. My crossdressing started as a sexual kink and I spent years wondering and worrying about dysphoria and sexuality until I relaxed and realised that I'm a fairly average crossdresser that likes to let out and indulge my female side, which I guess puts me a few steps along the transgender scale as well. And that's fine. Each to their own.

I get what you mean about "I'm not a woman, I'm a crossdresser." Take an extreme example how many woman dress like the Drag Queens on Ru Paul's Drag Race? It's different, a lot of girls these days will wear a checked shirt, boxers, jeans and Converse trainers to the shopping mall. Which is pretty much what I wear in male drab, so really the clothes that I wear en-femme are an indulgence of my stereotypical idea of female. Add some make up, hold-ups and breast forms and I'm there.

I don't often dress extravagantly feminine but I can do on occasion, Saturday nights maybe. But most of the time I dress in what I would say is average female attire, in order to present and feel female. I do this for more than one reason. I enjoy the feeling of the clothes, it relaxes me, I can be someone else, I enjoy feeling and looking female. I would love to "pass" but that's a bit of a stretch. I differ in that I'd say, "I'm not a woman, I'm a crossdresser but I want to be a woman for a while." My sexuality might not change, but I'm trying to present a different gender certainly. If that makes sense.

That ideal of trying to feel female for a while is great and that's as far as I've ever needed to take it. So that's slightly more than CD's that do it just for fun but these different areas of the spectrum people are on are fine as long as, whoever we are, we are enjoying it just as you say.

[Candice June Lee]

As life has gone by and several purges. My style has become comfy. Shorts, jeans, teny shoes, comfy bra, panties. The i have some sexy going out stuff with medium heels and dresses. And i got some knee high, high stilletto heeled 4 or better high boots. Nothing to go with them. So cant just wear them.
Mostly though just wanna blend in and be one of the gals. No fan fare, no glory, just be.

[Anne-Sofie]

I think having fun is the good way to say it! But I also crossdress to feel pretty/sexy. I'm 5,6 and weigh 112 lbs, so I don't have a male figure and buying male clothes is a disaster. When I shop/dress female I can easy for me to buy clothes and they fit Immediately perfect. So for me it's also having a body type that is seen as beautiful/sexy and be able to wear clothes and feel sexy and beautiful it it. So for me is it fun and feeling good!

Anne-Sofie

[Kaze_]

I dress to pass...

Since I don't pass, its a source of frustration.

[Fi-Fi LeFemme]

This is a great thread!
I dress for myself and I do enjoy it and it is fun!
For me most of the fun comes from my preperations and the actual act of transformation.
I enjoy the time it takes for me to do my make-up (up to a couple of hours!). The effort I put into painting my nails (false). Sliding on my underwear, rolling on stockings, fastening a bra. All of these things and all of the rest-shoes, jewellery, dresses, skirts, blouses, wigs etc.- all add to my pleasure and the fun I have when I dress.
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