reflections of a CDer?

[Allisa]

Standing in front of the mirror after showering and removing body hair when I saw a reflection of someone I didn't know. There was a somewhat femme face, clean shaven, moisturized and with an everyday make-up look. When I first started to accept my femme side I never thought I would be expressing myself as more femme than masc. in my every day life, yes I am totally male at work but found myself donning bracelets, hoop earrings, finger rings and even a coat of neutral lipstick on my way home(most of my work involves an hour drive to and from). After work I find myself in panties, skirts, tops and casual shoes with hair down and weekends are almost always in make-up and jewelry with styled hair and casual dressing in femme clothing, I even started to wear skirts every so often when out not presenting female, I wear low heel wedge shoes and of course under dressed with out the "girls". When I can I keep my nails longer and polished clear to off white and now toe nails always polished. When did I start to get so comfortable with my self expression? Now I can somewhat see the fear that some SO's feel about their partners becoming less masculine. I know not every one is going to do as I do but I feel I've lost some part of me that I once held so dearly in my denial of my femme self as I grow in age am I over compensating for those years of denial and shame? Even my interests are more femme and I have lost some of my old hobbies. I've been told that I'm easier to talk to and can relate to more non masc. subjects. I feel so natural now that how I'm dressed is a non-issue to me and doesn't weight on my mind when I'm out and about but I do check my look to make sure I'm pulled together as I go about my day. Of course I know how society sees me as Gay, but change is slow, and not as a gender variant, I have thought about transitioning but I don't think I would be happy as just one gender but looking just a bit more femme physically would be nice when it's time to retire and live more open everyday as if a new start to a new life. So many years ago when I joined this site I was just looking for answers and found some only to be replaced by new questions. Well I just had to clear my mind by seeing thoughts in writing. Thank-you for this site where I can vent on such a misunderstood subject.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Allisa, What a wonderful way to un-wind.:hugs:

[Gladys]

Great post.

[Katey888]

Pleasant reflections Allisa... :)

Over compensation...? Perhaps - but is there anything wrong with making up for lost time if it is the unthinking and rigid paradigm of society that has constrained us for so many years..?

:tongueout to society, I say... :)

If you're feeling good about yourself then that's a success right there.

Katey x

[Teresa]

Allisa,
There must have been more than one reflection in the mirror because you could have been describing how I feel and so well put, many thanks for that !
Luckily I have painting as my hobby but the enthusiasm has gone from from the more male tasks around the house, I've been there and got the sweat stained Tshirt to show it ! I'd love to have fingernails trimmed and polished and I never thought I'd be taking care of my legs as much when they were covered in hair ! I very much feel I'm trying to make up for lost time, my family all know but I'm in a DADT situation with my wife so totally femme isn't a possibility .
Like you I found some answers but the brain just moves onto more questions, we know we'll never have all the answers !

[Sarah Doepner]

Allisa,
for a lot of us the changes are so small by themselves and come so slowly over time that it's often difficult to recognize what has happened to us over the years. It's good you are taking time to gain that perspective and trying to put it in context. It will help provide that stable foundation you need as you continue to follow your individual path.

[MelanieAnne]

You've got the best of both worlds! Enjoy.
When I'm completely shaved, moisturized, and wearing a chemise or short sundress and sandals, the feeling is unbelievable. And I can almost feel sorry for other men for what they are missing. Absent any sexual motivation, womens clothes and shoes just feel so much better than mens. The fabrics are thinner, and softer. Dresses and shorts allow more breeze on your body and legs. Womens shoes weigh half as much as mens shoes, and are more comfortable.

[Victoria Demeanor]

Hey Lisa,
I have always found that writing down my thoughts does help me to figure or straighten them out, being on this site though you all seem to do that for me. Being on a similar path as you, I have had much the same thoughts. These days I wear my small hoop earrings every where except work. My Nails always have polish, color on the toes and clear on the fingers. I am letting my hair grow out on my head and shaving all the rest. Mostly though I am allowing my softer, and I feel true personality flow forth, while shelving my tough male persona. Like you I don't think I would transition, but expressing myself more feminine has truly soothed my soul and made me a happier person. Ya when I came here and first knocked on the door, I thought I just liked to wear women's clothing, but soon found it was so much more. I hope that my wife does not miss the tough macho male she married too much as I just don't want to go back to that again.

[CONSUELO]

Allisa,
What a wonderful post. Good for you. I wish you every best thing.