Michelle789
08-09-2015, 09:27 PM
I spoke with my mom and brother today, and I have come to a very, very sad conclusion. That I have lost my father. This is obvious - he and I simply aren't talking, and I intend to keep it that way. After he antagonized me in May about hormones being responsible for making me sick, I will NEVER, NEVER, NEVER talk to him again. As far as I'm concerned, he is no longer my father. Even though he hasn't officially disowned me, I am effectively disowning him. I will never have a relationship with him again.
I also realized that my mom may never fully transition along with me. While she still talks with me, she also has serious memory problems that are preventing her from properly re-gendering me. But today I have come to the saddest of realizations. That my younger brother will never fully transition along with me as long as my father is alive.
My older brother is seriously disabled - he can't walk or talk or do anything, really, and he is being taken care of by my father, mother, and younger brother. He had a reaction to a vaccine as a baby that left him like this. (If my younger brother ever stumbles upon this thread, he'll know for sure it's me hahaha). My father has been on kidney dialysis for a year now. My father has no ability whatsoever to keep a schedule. He stays up until 3-4 am and wakes up at 11am to noon, sometimes later. He never was great at keeping schedules, but has been horrible since he retired 15 years ago. When I spoke to my father a year ago, he told me that he was going to do his kidney dialysis at home, and that he would have to maintain a regular schedule, going to bed by 10pm to midnight, and waking up at 6-8 am.
Well, guess what? I spoke with my brother and mom today. My brother told me that my dad is still not on a schedule, and that they're all up to 3-4 am taking care of my older brother. I was completely flabbergasted. I was in a complete state of utter shock. I asked my brother how my dad managed to find a way to go to bed late every night. And he said that my father simply starts and ends dialysis late. Ughhhh. Only my father could find a way to cheat the system and stay up until 3-4 am even on dialysis. He never quits.
My brother said that he wanted to see a gender specialist to talk with them about my gender dysphoria feelings and transition. I thought this would be a good move because it may be a step in the right direction to really help my brother to accept me, and to start the process of re-gendering me as his sister. Well, I asked him if he was going to see the gender specialist any time soon. He told me no, that he gets up late every morning, and is busy taking care of my older brother. My mom also got into an accident and totaled her car. My father won't let her drive another car. Now my brother is responsible for doing all the family grocery shopping and running errands. Because my mom can't drive, and my dad refuses to ever leave the house.
My brother told me that he doesn't have time to see the gender specialist, and that his gym is more important than the gender specialist. It hit me today, that my family will never be able to fully accept me, and will never be able to re-gender me as Michelle, as their daughter, and sister. I realized at my very best, I have no realistic chance of being re-gendered by anyone as long as my father is still alive. He will never be able to keep a schedule, and his tyranny is screwing up everybody's lives.
Sometimes I feel like my brother is just making excuses to not want to re-gender me. I mean, after all, why can't he sacrifice a gym session or two. I mean how often does he go to the gym, realistically? 3 times a week, 4 times, every single day? If he goes even 3 times a week, and he went to see a gender specialist once or twice, is he really going to gain 50 pounds? Even if he went to see a specialist once every two weeks for a few months, and maybe once a month for the next year, in order to transition along with me, is he really going to gain 50 pounds? You do the math. This part of me feels like he is just making up excuses to not go see the specialist. Why? Because if he goes to see the specialist, he might very well be convinced that this whole transition thing is for real, and that he needs to start re-gendering me.
So now my father will never accept me, period. My mom is being blocked by her memory problems. My brother is at best being blocked by my father, and possibly by his own inability to make time into a busy schedule.
I honestly, at this point, I honestly do not feel comfortable ever addressing them by my male name ever again. I refuse to ever answer a phone, or leave a message, and use my birth name. I would like to leave messages as, or answer the phone as, and say this is Michelle. But I feel like my brother is going to give me a strange reaction, and that my mom, with her memory problems, is literally going to wonder "who is Michelle?" or say "I don't know anyone named Michelle." I haven't spoken with them much lately, because I feel so uncomfortable talking with them. I don't feel like I can share my life with them either. I would love to talk about my life with Cody, or with MCC, or with trans group, or AA, or doing girl stuff, but I feel like I simply can't talk about anything going on in my life.
I only call them once every week or so. In fact, today was the first time in nearly three weeks that I spoke with them. I don't feel comfortable using my male name, and I'm afraid to assert my authentic name. I also don't really have anything other than the weather or general stuff to talk about. I feel like when talking on the phone they're just not receptive to anything.
I am really, really saddened by this. This is not really such a big surprise tbh. But I realized today that no one in my family will re-gender me as long as my father is still alive, and there is a good chance that my family will never see me as Michelle. I am really, really sad by this. Part of me wants to never talk to them again. I really hate that they call me by my birth name. I hate that I can't assert my identity. I hate that I can't talk with them about anything of substance or importance to me. I really feel like as of today, I have no family.
And I really, really believe that my father only had me and my younger brother so that he could have two slaves to take care of my older brother when my father dies. He has done everything in his power to take away any outside support systems from my brother and mom. He forbid us to be part of any religion, especially Christianity. He forbid us to drink alcohol. Why? Because religion and drinking are both social activities. He always warns us about how everything is a path to self destruction. He is the only person in the whole wide world who if his own child was having a drinking problem, he would tell them not to go to AA. Because AA is a bunch of alcoholics that are inevitably going to drink again. He is the only person that forbids drinking and religion. He successfully cut my family off from having any kind of social life, or ties with the outside world. My brother has never had any friends in his life. My mom has suffered through many failed friendships. To my father, everyone is bad company. Everyone is a bad influence on his family. He trusts nobody. My father only ever talks about what is wrong with the world, and finds fault with everybody and everything. He has successfully ruined my mom's and younger brother's life. Now he won't let my mom ever drive again. They live out in the freakin' suburbs, and there is no public transportation in their small little redneck town. Oh, and did I mention that he does not like that I am transitioning? And that he blames the hormones for causing me to have bronchitis a few months ago?
I feel like he has successfully bred my younger brother to be that caretaker for my older brother. He has certainly tried with me, but I got away from him, and started living life, and started seeing that the world is not the bleak, dangerous place, that my father paints it to be. My father should have never been allowed to be a father. He is clearly the most unfit man on the face of this planet to be a father. He clearly has abused all of us and created this dysfunctional mess that he calls a family. He is a man that makes religious fundamentalists seem sane and liberal compared to him.
My father negatively programmed me too. That I would never be good at anything other than math and computer programming. Certainly, to some extent, he did this to reinforce maleness. He hated any sign of femininity that he saw in me. I am only starting to discover that I have many other talents and abilities that are non math or computer programming, yet sometimes I feel like I will only ever be good at math, logic, and programming. I think HRT and living authentically is helping drastically with this.
Now I have come to the conclusion that my social problems in life have two causes. Gender dysphoria, and I may very well need FFS to fully function. And my father. In spite of the fact that I moved away from my family 17 years ago, and to L.A. 13 years ago, I still remain influenced by my father. I still retain his negative programming to some degree. I probably lack confidence both because of him and because of GD. Oh, and my father certainly hated it when he saw any signs of femininity in me, and he hated when I voiced to him and mom that I'm a girl at the age of 5. God only knows what went through his mind, but he certainly wasn't happy.
Anyways, enough ranting about my exceptionally dysfunctional family.
Thankfully, my family lives 3000 miles away on the East Coast, so I don't have to deal with them in person.
I also realized that my mom may never fully transition along with me. While she still talks with me, she also has serious memory problems that are preventing her from properly re-gendering me. But today I have come to the saddest of realizations. That my younger brother will never fully transition along with me as long as my father is alive.
My older brother is seriously disabled - he can't walk or talk or do anything, really, and he is being taken care of by my father, mother, and younger brother. He had a reaction to a vaccine as a baby that left him like this. (If my younger brother ever stumbles upon this thread, he'll know for sure it's me hahaha). My father has been on kidney dialysis for a year now. My father has no ability whatsoever to keep a schedule. He stays up until 3-4 am and wakes up at 11am to noon, sometimes later. He never was great at keeping schedules, but has been horrible since he retired 15 years ago. When I spoke to my father a year ago, he told me that he was going to do his kidney dialysis at home, and that he would have to maintain a regular schedule, going to bed by 10pm to midnight, and waking up at 6-8 am.
Well, guess what? I spoke with my brother and mom today. My brother told me that my dad is still not on a schedule, and that they're all up to 3-4 am taking care of my older brother. I was completely flabbergasted. I was in a complete state of utter shock. I asked my brother how my dad managed to find a way to go to bed late every night. And he said that my father simply starts and ends dialysis late. Ughhhh. Only my father could find a way to cheat the system and stay up until 3-4 am even on dialysis. He never quits.
My brother said that he wanted to see a gender specialist to talk with them about my gender dysphoria feelings and transition. I thought this would be a good move because it may be a step in the right direction to really help my brother to accept me, and to start the process of re-gendering me as his sister. Well, I asked him if he was going to see the gender specialist any time soon. He told me no, that he gets up late every morning, and is busy taking care of my older brother. My mom also got into an accident and totaled her car. My father won't let her drive another car. Now my brother is responsible for doing all the family grocery shopping and running errands. Because my mom can't drive, and my dad refuses to ever leave the house.
My brother told me that he doesn't have time to see the gender specialist, and that his gym is more important than the gender specialist. It hit me today, that my family will never be able to fully accept me, and will never be able to re-gender me as Michelle, as their daughter, and sister. I realized at my very best, I have no realistic chance of being re-gendered by anyone as long as my father is still alive. He will never be able to keep a schedule, and his tyranny is screwing up everybody's lives.
Sometimes I feel like my brother is just making excuses to not want to re-gender me. I mean, after all, why can't he sacrifice a gym session or two. I mean how often does he go to the gym, realistically? 3 times a week, 4 times, every single day? If he goes even 3 times a week, and he went to see a gender specialist once or twice, is he really going to gain 50 pounds? Even if he went to see a specialist once every two weeks for a few months, and maybe once a month for the next year, in order to transition along with me, is he really going to gain 50 pounds? You do the math. This part of me feels like he is just making up excuses to not go see the specialist. Why? Because if he goes to see the specialist, he might very well be convinced that this whole transition thing is for real, and that he needs to start re-gendering me.
So now my father will never accept me, period. My mom is being blocked by her memory problems. My brother is at best being blocked by my father, and possibly by his own inability to make time into a busy schedule.
I honestly, at this point, I honestly do not feel comfortable ever addressing them by my male name ever again. I refuse to ever answer a phone, or leave a message, and use my birth name. I would like to leave messages as, or answer the phone as, and say this is Michelle. But I feel like my brother is going to give me a strange reaction, and that my mom, with her memory problems, is literally going to wonder "who is Michelle?" or say "I don't know anyone named Michelle." I haven't spoken with them much lately, because I feel so uncomfortable talking with them. I don't feel like I can share my life with them either. I would love to talk about my life with Cody, or with MCC, or with trans group, or AA, or doing girl stuff, but I feel like I simply can't talk about anything going on in my life.
I only call them once every week or so. In fact, today was the first time in nearly three weeks that I spoke with them. I don't feel comfortable using my male name, and I'm afraid to assert my authentic name. I also don't really have anything other than the weather or general stuff to talk about. I feel like when talking on the phone they're just not receptive to anything.
I am really, really saddened by this. This is not really such a big surprise tbh. But I realized today that no one in my family will re-gender me as long as my father is still alive, and there is a good chance that my family will never see me as Michelle. I am really, really sad by this. Part of me wants to never talk to them again. I really hate that they call me by my birth name. I hate that I can't assert my identity. I hate that I can't talk with them about anything of substance or importance to me. I really feel like as of today, I have no family.
And I really, really believe that my father only had me and my younger brother so that he could have two slaves to take care of my older brother when my father dies. He has done everything in his power to take away any outside support systems from my brother and mom. He forbid us to be part of any religion, especially Christianity. He forbid us to drink alcohol. Why? Because religion and drinking are both social activities. He always warns us about how everything is a path to self destruction. He is the only person in the whole wide world who if his own child was having a drinking problem, he would tell them not to go to AA. Because AA is a bunch of alcoholics that are inevitably going to drink again. He is the only person that forbids drinking and religion. He successfully cut my family off from having any kind of social life, or ties with the outside world. My brother has never had any friends in his life. My mom has suffered through many failed friendships. To my father, everyone is bad company. Everyone is a bad influence on his family. He trusts nobody. My father only ever talks about what is wrong with the world, and finds fault with everybody and everything. He has successfully ruined my mom's and younger brother's life. Now he won't let my mom ever drive again. They live out in the freakin' suburbs, and there is no public transportation in their small little redneck town. Oh, and did I mention that he does not like that I am transitioning? And that he blames the hormones for causing me to have bronchitis a few months ago?
I feel like he has successfully bred my younger brother to be that caretaker for my older brother. He has certainly tried with me, but I got away from him, and started living life, and started seeing that the world is not the bleak, dangerous place, that my father paints it to be. My father should have never been allowed to be a father. He is clearly the most unfit man on the face of this planet to be a father. He clearly has abused all of us and created this dysfunctional mess that he calls a family. He is a man that makes religious fundamentalists seem sane and liberal compared to him.
My father negatively programmed me too. That I would never be good at anything other than math and computer programming. Certainly, to some extent, he did this to reinforce maleness. He hated any sign of femininity that he saw in me. I am only starting to discover that I have many other talents and abilities that are non math or computer programming, yet sometimes I feel like I will only ever be good at math, logic, and programming. I think HRT and living authentically is helping drastically with this.
Now I have come to the conclusion that my social problems in life have two causes. Gender dysphoria, and I may very well need FFS to fully function. And my father. In spite of the fact that I moved away from my family 17 years ago, and to L.A. 13 years ago, I still remain influenced by my father. I still retain his negative programming to some degree. I probably lack confidence both because of him and because of GD. Oh, and my father certainly hated it when he saw any signs of femininity in me, and he hated when I voiced to him and mom that I'm a girl at the age of 5. God only knows what went through his mind, but he certainly wasn't happy.
Anyways, enough ranting about my exceptionally dysfunctional family.
Thankfully, my family lives 3000 miles away on the East Coast, so I don't have to deal with them in person.