How come some have so many problems and some don't?

[Nicole Erin]

Our stories vary from those who go through hell to those who just don't have many problems.

In my situation, pretty much everyone I work with and probably in public knows I am trans. I have had no surgeries and though I look good, I don't pass without question.
Yet, in my day to day life, I just don;t have any real problems related to gender.

Some people in my position (known trans and not passing 100%) have a ton of problems.

There are others who pass well and maybe had surgeries who have problems, some don't.

I just don't get it. When I first started doing this I assumed the better one passed, the less problems they would have. There seems to be no real correlation according to stuff I have read on here and heard in real life over the years.

Do some people just attract more drama or what is happening?

[Nigella]

I think a lot of how you are "accepted" is dependent upon your own comfort levels. I have had "core" treatments by the NHS,and IMHO, I don't pass, no FFS, no BA, no voice coaching, however, I do not pretend to be anything more than I am. If asked I always say I'm a woman, although this has not happend recently.

I will answer questions honestly but do not offer an explanation. I live by a simple maxim, If you have no impact on my life, they why should I worry what you think or say? I have transitioned in work and home situ, but have been accepted for who I am. Even misgendering by Joe public doesn't phase me.

Of course, some thrive on the drama :heehee:

[becky77]

Depends what you mean by problems?

How you are treated can be largely influenced by where you live, how you live, culture etc etc.

Personally things are good, I haven't noticed anyone misgender me (people that don't know) other than family and that's improved massively, a few people at work still slip up, but work has had 5 months my family and friends nearly 2 years.

It does seem I am accepted, for all that I carry a lot of baggage. So if someone is standoffish I can tend to think they know, I get stared at and I think I am sussed.
That's not necessarily the case but it takes time to adapt.

I don't really have any external issues, I'm my own worse enemy.

I'm making new friends since out dog walking and it does feel odd being evasive with my backstory. In some ways I am still holding secrets.

[stefan37]

There are many factors. Where you live, what support do you have. What is your intensity level of GD.

Before FFS I was more tolerant of misgendering than I am now. Many have known me before I transitioned. I'll always be Trans to them. Those I meet that didn't know me before I am less comfortable for them to know me as Trans. We are all different with different situations. You have evolved to find a balance point where you are comfortable. I can remember reading your earlier posts where you didn't have the same comfort level.

[Frances]

I don't burden others with my problems and don't expect anyone to comfort me.

That said, it has not been that easy. I have suffered though bankruptcy, depression, anxiety, career set-backs and over-drinking. Yet, I pass 100% and am relatively good-looking, which other trans people around me think is everything in transition. So go figure. It really depends on one's values and expectations.

I also absolutely hate reading and writing long posts on forums, which means there is less space for me to go into my life and less of a chance that I'll read detailed posts from others about their issues.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

well how is that different than anything in life?

how come some people have problems in life and others don't??? how come some people live surrounded by drama and others don't??

often its the person...sometimes it circumstance, other times its poor planning or execution of life's business.... it is and will always be this way..

we are not all the same...some people are actually better at life than others, some people accept reality more easily than others, some people are more or less attractive...richer and poorer...smart and not so smart..
its just the way it is..

because transition by its nature is hugely challenging to the transitioned and all people involved, it makes sense that all of this is magnified...

[whowhatwhen]

I actually stopped going to support groups because I felt I hadn't suffered enough.
Not to say things have been entirely easy but compared to the girl who was raped several times I really didn't feel I needed it that much.

[Jorja]

There are as many factors as there are Transpeople in the world. As mentioned, where you live, support, and level of GD are all good reasons. I think some trans people become exceptionally good at playing the "Blame Game". They blame everyone and everything on others rather than taking responsibility for their own actions and situations. Ultimately, this causes them to have even more difficulty. Once they start accepting responsibility they start succeeding.

[LeaP]

There are problems and there is suffering, and they are two different things. Everyone has problems. Privation sometimes, even. But not everyone suffers in the same way or for the same things.

I suffered for a while. I don't suffer so much anymore. Same sorts of problems and challenges, different attitude. This is not a matter of "just" an attitude difference, either. Attitude changes over time with comfort and self-acceptance. I'm more self actuated, so less threatened by change. After all, I'm the one initiating the change now – and I like it.

I needed some support to get there. Some I got from friends (including those from here). Some from my therapist. Some from my doctor. So I have some tolerance for people and their issues as they struggle, particularly in the early stages. Later on, as logically things should progress to decisions and actions, not so much. And that's where Nigella's comment on thriving on drama applies.

[Jennifer-GWN]

Jorja you nailed it.

Sprinkle in a bit of personal capitol you've built up with others through how you've approached and treated these people pre transition also makes a big difference. To some degree a smooth transition is an indication as to how solid and strong your relationships were before you started and began to make it more public and your frame of mind as you hit obstacles.

Cheers... Jennifer

[Frances]

Jorja says something very interesting. There are a lot of self-proclaimed victims on forums such as these or in the trans community overall. When it's always someone else's fault, people forego agency and stagnate. I don't know how many times I read a trans person say that their SO was preventing them from transitioning in these very pages. The problem is not the SO, but the unwilingness to take responsability for one's feelings. Or it's a question of lack of intensity, which is not a problem at all.

[Badtranny]

Well sometimes the company you've spent 13 years with decides that they can't deal with your transition and they squeeze you out like a bowel movement.

I have a drama free life, outside of dealing with a career that doesn't want me anymore.

Whatevs, I may be on my back, but I'm looking up.

[stefan37]

Always room here in Jersey.

[Starling]

Melissa, I remember at one time you were getting a pretty good level of acceptance at work. What brought on the change, do you think? Did it happen after you had FFS and BA, or had it been building all along under the surface? I'm just wondering, because we want to have all our ducks in a row for transition, and it's distressing when they break ranks. I apologize if you've already discussed this.

:) Lallie

[patti.jean]

I think it has everything to do with confidence, when I go out it is not about passing it is about being confidante presenting as fem. I met the most amazing women as my fem self and we have been married for 6 years only because I was confidante about who I am. With her my life is better than I ever thought possible. I know these are just words and everyone is in a different place, but if you are reading this you have something we share. Be confidant where ever you are on the transgender spectrum. I do sincerely wish everyone the best.

[sarahcsc]

Hi Nicole,

Rather than focusing on external factors (ie. work, support, income, etc), I'd like to take a different slant on this.

To me, a 'problem' is an inconvenience which often, but does not always, causes discomfort, distress, or disability.

In order for a 'problem' to come into existence, three things has to happen.

The 'problem' has to be felt
It has to be recognized, perceived, and labelled as a 'problem'
It has to be articulated as a 'problem'

Most people can feel that something is bothering them but they may not recognize what it is. This is typical for most TGs who are still confused and battling denial. I didn't think I had a 'problem' for the longest time.

Some people can feel and recognize what is bothering them but choose not to articulate it. Or even if they do, decide to articulate it as something else rather than as a 'problem'.

This can form a vicious cycle because how something is articulated can also affect how it is then felt and perceived. For example, I would start thinking that getting out of bed to go to work is a problem if I kept complaining about it every morning.

Any internal or external stimuli has to go through these 3 phases before a 'problem' is born, except that when it is articulated, it is no longer contained and it suddenly becomes everybody's problem.

Depending on these three internal processes, what can be a problem to one may not be a problem to others.

Love,
S

[PretzelGirl]

I will go with the fact that we all have our problems. And I think there is a balance on how they affect us. If something else hits us hard enough, maybe we don't take some of the trans* related issues so hard because being authentic is a major relief. I have felt that my transition has gone as smooth as glass. On the side, I have been working some other, really strong, issues that I haven't talked about here. It all depends on what you take ownership of...

[kimdl93]

What can I add to this discussion. Sure, some people define major problems or seemingly insurmountable obstacles where others may see something manageable. Some people take a hit and never fully recover, while others just shake it off, get back up and keep trying. Some people complain but take no steps to improve their situations.

I have been all of these peoples at given moments in my life. But transgendered or otherwise, how people respond to adversity is in part a matter personality, shaped by upbringing on a macro and micro sense, and resources in terms of educational level, support systems and maybe a bunch of other factors I couldn't think of just now.

So, I was left crushed and helpless at one time in my life, floundered for a time, but partly as I recovered my balance, and with access to competent therapy, and the invaluable support of family and friends, I got back on my feet. Not everyone has all of these things going for them. We have peers in this forum who come from financially and emotionally bankrupt families. I feel great sympathy for those suffering the damage done by abuse and neglect or other family dysfunction, coupled with poverty.

[Marcelle]

Hi Nicole,

I have a bit of an oddity in my situation in that I flip between the two genders depending on how I identify (male some days / female other days). I have little issues both in my social life (family, friends) day to day living (doing what needs to be done) or work. I do not pass whatsoever . . . the kid is definitely not pretty. I get a lot of WTF looks from people in the Vanilla world but for the most part they are harmless and make little impact. Some people at work struggle with the whole duality thing but are beginning to get it and when I identify as a woman that is for the long haul and at night it will be me with girl clothing, a wig and no make-up (definitely not a pretty sight) and my wife bless her is still very accepting of this. Don't get me wrong I still run in to "haters" but I try to ignore them unless they are being aggressively rude.

Cheers

Isha

[Kristine120]

Every human being on Earth has problems. Life IS one problem after another. My Dad used to say " If you like solving problems, then you will enjoy life."

Part of our problem was the fact the we needed to express ourselves as feminine. And then the problem of HOW to do that comes up. And then there is the problem of doing everything else that is required of life.

As Bongo the one-eared rabbit taught me " ...if you keep your expectations tiny you won't be so whiny!"

[Kate T]

I just don't get it. When I first started doing this I assumed the better one passed, the less problems they would have. There seems to be no real correlation according to stuff I have read on here and heard in real life over the years.


There isn't. For the simple and fairly obvious reason once you think about it that "passing" or being beautiful does not make you happy. I have just posted in another thread I believe what makes a person happy is love and acceptance on 3 levels. Firstly and primarily from yourself. Secondly and almost as importantly from your loved ones. And finally and least importantly from society.

"Passing" merely gains the individual acceptance from society (society will rarely give an individual love). I think a far stronger correlate with having fewer problems would be the love and acceptance an individual accepts from their loved ones. As that is inextricably linked to love and acceptance of oneself (i.e. one cannot accept love and acceptance from others without first loving and accepting oneself) then those are far better indicators of whether an individual has or is likely to have a "successful" transition.

[Badtranny]

Melissa, I remember at one time you were getting a pretty good level of acceptance at work. What brought on the change, do you think? Did it happen after you had FFS and BA, or had it been building all along under the surface?

Well, it's kind of complicated I guess. In the beginning I thought everything was gonna be great. I came out as openly transitioning about six months or so before I actually did it and everyone seemed surprisingly accepting. I worked for a subsidiary of a large publicly held multinational so I thought I had some HR protections as well. Everything looked good.

Then I went full-time. Within a couple of months I started to notice a bit of distance developing between myself and the other senior managers. It took about a year before they finally made it unbearable for me. Could I have pursued legal action? Perhaps, but I just don't have it in me. I chose to just leave on my own terms and take a job somewhere else. The job I went to turned out to be a monumentally bad decision. I wanted to try a slightly different industry so I could maybe have a tiny chance at going stealth, but it was not to be. 2014 was easily the most stressful year of my life.

Anyhoo, I can safely say that lack of confidence isn't my problem. For me it all boils down to working in a really conservative male dominated industry and transitioning in front of everybody. They just don't know how to deal with it. Guys that I used to ride mountain bikes with stopped inviting me. The apprentice board at the IBEW replaced me within two months of my transition. Nothing sinister of course, it was just time to rotate another contractor in ya know.

Transition is a hell of a thing.

[Starling]

...Transition is a hell of a thing.

It seems like a lot of people are accepting in the abstract--especially some, who despite their visceral unease with the idea, feel they should be accepting--but when it comes right down to it, they're embarrassed to be seen with a transgender person. If you don't want to be limited to "the community," it's not so easy to find people who don't give a damn what other people think. It's also fairly horrifying to listen to educated friends you haven't yet come out to, trivializing and ridiculing transgender people, just as do the "ignorant yahoos" they habitually make fun of.

:) Lallie

[charlenesomeone]

I have seen lots of WFT looks, but comments have been few. And as others said, who cares about John Q.
I have lost my marriage , extended family is no aware yet, will I miss them if they disown me, yes, will it alter my intent, no.

[Nicole Erin]

You have evolved to find a balance point where you are comfortable. I can remember reading your earlier posts where you didn't have the same comfort level.

I do remember that myself. I don't really remember what I felt unconfident about though. Doesn't matter now.
Maybe I am just lucky. Maybe I just somehow played my cards right.

I started my job being who I am, so no "transition" to deal with. Yeah sometimes customers make comments supposedly (others have said) but I just don't care.
Once I went full time, I knew it was "swim or sink". I am not doing any worse than if I had not transitioned.
I live in a big city, most of which is "the bad neighborhood".

If I cannot get along with certain people, I just do not associate with them. Plus I am just not good at taking social cues from people who do not matter. I am not one to try to work my way into others' inner circles.

The biggest thing that helped me started out as a "negative attitude". I basically said, "I don't have a lot of friends, I have crappy dating prospects, I do not have a career anyways, and people are going to have problems no matter what. I might as well do what works for me since everything is screwed up anyways."
So I did. And life has never been easier since I decided to stop giving a damn.

My job has honest potential for advancement (though I am NOT the career type), I had some fun in the dating scene, and these days I live peacefully.

[Michelle789]

If you don't want to be limited to "the community," it's not so easy to find people who don't give a damn what other people think.

I totally agree with you. Most cis people are too scared to be seen with a trans person. Most passable transwomen are too scared to be seen with a non-passable transwoman. And many non-passable transwomen, at least the ones I've encountered, are just WAY too toxic of human beings to hang out with. Most of the people who have insulted me and put me down in the trans community are not very passable and highly underprivileged. One was passable, but very overweight, and highly underprivileged in certain ways, and had insecurity issues with herself because she was overweight and wished she could wear nice dresses.

This is one of the curses of living in L.A. Cis people here truly don't accept us. Sure, in public, they might not say anything to us and they might "let us pass." But finding any meaningful friendship or getting invited to anything is quite difficult even in liberal L.A. And our trans community is extremely fragmented. In terms of a transgender community, L.A. is one of the worst places to be. Dallas is much better in that regard. My feeling is it's easier to find friends in "the community" in large cities in traditionally unaccepting states. Maybe it's time to follow my former pastor Rev. Neil and move to Dallas. Cody would certainly love that!!!

[I Am Paula]

I've been to some meetings, and I belong to a few forums, and some of the stories of transition are terrifying. With all that can go wrong, it almost embarrasses me write this.
I've had some WTF moments, and a few calls to my sister late at night, but essentially, transition has been as hitch free as it can be. I decided to transition, so I did.
I gained a lot of friends, and I actually have a social life now.
I have more business clients now than before.
There have been tense moments with my wife, including one where I was sure it was over. More than 50% of cis-couples are going to divorce, so this is not surprising.
Every aspect of my life has improved.
I've dealt with the physical aspects of transition, tho still waiting on SRS. I like the way I look. It took a LOT of convincing from my friends that I don't look like a guy in a dress. I've finally started believing them because nobody misgenders me, or has made mention of my situation unless I tell them.
The legal aspect was a breeze, and I thank living in Ontario for that. They get it here.
My parents, both deceased now, accepted me absolutely. I was just the daughter they did not know they had.
The only grief I have gotten from society has been about my being married to a woman, not about being trans. Even then it was just a couple of 'dyke' comments.
I can't make a 'cons' list, cause there really hasn't been any worth mentioning.
I only hope that a lot of new transitioners can have it as stress free as I.

[PretzelGirl]

I am going to back up Paula. It can be good. First I don't want people to put me in a box, so I don't for anyone else. I make no assumptions on who will accept, who wants to be seen with me, and I do want to be seen with everyone. I have a lot of friends who regularly post quite conservative things. But when I am around them, there is no doubt they are supportive. I don't know why it came about that way, but it is what I am experiencing.

My wife is marvelous and my kids are as supportive as they can be. I do try and accept everyone for who they are. I have one saying from the old FidoNet days (for those who are old time computer users). Don't be annoying and don't be easily annoyed. I have one friend that lives exactly the opposite and I can see her running everyone off. We can drive ourselves nuts and everyone else too if we are slighted by every comment. I know it is hard because when you are being discriminated against and marginalized, every slight is tough. But I am in a state where I can deal with it. If I even think there isn't malicious intent, I will go in as an educator. I did that recently with an ex sister-in-law and a high school girlfriend and both apologized, took the posts down, and wanted to talk more on the phone to understand. If you jump on everyone without talking, there will be no one left. We only get allies by passing on understanding.

I wish I could pass peace and serenity to everyone. It just can't be done. So we all have to deal with others at the comfort level we are each at.

[Angela Campbell]

Whether or not things go well or not is a result of many things, some of which you can control and some you cannot.

Best bet is to carefully plan and have some alternative plans in place for those things you can't control. There is a lot of risk, but a carefully planned transition is more likely to go better.